Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

I agree with leaving him. He's an absolute tosser who already doesn't care about your baby.

Even if you went back to works early I doubt he would be paying towards childcare also and you can't force him.

If you leave him at least you can claim child maintenance then he would have no choice but to pay towards the child. What is he doing with his money and why does he not want to support his partner

Absolutely this, you are being financially abused.

If you are with him when you have this baby you will have no rights, money or freedom.

This is so risky.

I would leave, get the property on the market and get your equity out.

Is there a risk he would leave the country or change his job to avoid paying maintenance?

And you can't be working loads of jobs & care for the baby with your adhd. It'll send it through the roof. You need time for self-care.

Simplify your life as much as possible, get rid of the abusive arse wipe to reduce the drama, get support with the money & the legal side & then look after babs when they come.

Ignore his labels, asd or not, if he wanted to help, he would.

Do not get hooked on the drama I know it helps with dopamine but honestly boring is good....

(adhd, high drama family background person here)

What he envisages cannot happen. You should be a financial unit. 50/50 split is fine for flatmates or just living together on relatively equal incomes. When you have a baby you form a financial unit in order to meet the family's changed needs. The baby has half his DNA, it's not some side project or hobby of yours.

Is his autism relevant to it? Autism is no excuse for being a dick but is he a bit tunnel vision about money and plans and things? He might need help seeing the bigger picture. I would see if involving his family helps, they shouldn't want to see their grandchild and its mother treated this way.

I'd also start working out where you are if he doesn't step up and everything caves in. Are you tenants in common or joint tenants on the mortgage? Do you have any savings that you could use if you split up? Is there a risk he could piss off back to Spain and not help at all?

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like he's just pretending nothing has changed and is ignoring your financial hardship. You shouldn't have to put up with it. As to the second job - stress is not good in pregnancy, make him pay so you can rest.

Definitely leave him

That as well.

Is your name on the mortgage and deeds? This is very important. If not, stop paying towards the mortgage.

He is abusive. I would think very hard about staying with him

I know you don't want to involve his parents, but what would they think? I wonder if they would support him in his thoughts?

FFS, why do women get pregnant to utter dickheads?

“He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes”

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO Just NO

You are a family and partnership, and both your earnings should be money for the family not this mentality of it’s his money so he has the right to do what he wishes. Why do women keep getting themselves in this mess?????????

If he insists them tell him he has to pay you for your services as a stay at home mother looking after your child and use daycare rates as a guide.

Seriously what did I just read????

He will pay off his share of the mortgage and watch you continue to struggle while he spends his money on stuff for him? Jeez I’m so mad reading this and I’m more frustrated you don’t seem to realize how wrong this is expect the fact you will be short for being on maternity.

My first LTB.
Honestly, this is abuse.
He shouldn't have more money than you in any way whatsoever if you are a true partnership. This is an awful situation.

Leave and claim via CMS.

The signs were there all along she just ignored them. She waiting for him to get ready for 5 years tells a lot. Her statement “I know it’s his money to do as he wishes” says a lot.

He is ridiculous. You should either marry him or leave him. Your income and his income are both 100% the income of you as a couple. Sounds like the latter would be best though.

Does he want this baby? Childcare for a baby can cost up to £100 a day, so everyday it falls on you he should really be paying you at least £50. I'm sorry you're in this position, it sounds so stressful and wrong. Good luck.

Sorry OP but it doesn't look good. You need to be making plans to do this alone. He will at least have to pay CMS.

What a weird attitude. Where did that come from?

Does he want to be a parent? Does he want to live as a family unit?

You tell him that you will be going back to work when your pay reduces from full pay (6 weeks these days?) and that he will need to pay half the child care from that point onwards.

If he still doesn't understand, you need to leave him.

Not want you want to hear op, but I'm echoing the others. You have to leave this man. If he doesn't understand that you are a team and on mat leave that one looks after the baby, one looks after the money; and both are shared- then this will never get any better, only worse.

If you would like to save the relationship, he needs to talk to people he trusts so that he can understand that the baby is both of your responsibility, not just yours.

And I'm sorry op, but to anyone else reading - you need to agree how finances will work before having babies

Tell him he's taking 6 months of your maternity leave so you can return to work and you are not paying his share of the bills.

Your "partner" is an abusive twat.

What he's doing is financial, emotional, and psychological abuse.

He clearly sees the baby as some hobby or side interest you wanted so now you have to take the financial hit. He's punishing you for your attention to the baby. He's jealous. This won't change when the baby arrives and you are paying even more attention, night and day. It will get worse.

He has washed his hands of responsibility toward you and the baby.

If your name isn't on tbe mortgage or the deeds you need to stop paying toward it immediately.

You need to tell his parents what he is doing wrt finances.

You need to plan on leaving.
This is really important. Autism/ADHD - whatever - there is no excuse for his abuse of you and denial of partnership in parenting and in care for you and the baby. He's an entitled, immature, sorry excuse for a man. It's no coincidence that you are now seeing the real tosser under the veneer he has shown you up to now. Pregnancy brings out the bully in some men.

It will be hard for you to make a plan to leave while still telling yourself that you love him, while still fully engaged in "we" and "us" thinking, and while still firmly stuck on the "family" train tracks.

But you need to look at your "partner's" words and behaviour here and get up to speed fast - he isn't committed at all in the way you are and he is telling you that loud and clear. Believe him.

Nobody can clap with one hand. If one person has checked out of a relationship, that relationship is dead

But you knew this and you decided to have a child with him? Why?

Charge him for childcare. He's not paying it because you'll be at home. That way at least it's actually 50/50 if that's the argument he wants to make.

Little sympathy though as he's a selfish twat and bad parent if he doesn't give a shit about this baby and providing for it.

You're at best naive for deciding to bring a child into this shit show.

OP I come from a place of having many ASD/ ADHD people in my husbands family, I probably have traits myself. The majority of them are absolutely brilliant people, but the whole family agrees that ASD is not an excuse to be a shitty person.

The thing is he's stuck in a black and white mentality of 50/50 finances, but I also think he's CHOOSING to stay there for his own benefit. Leave him and force the sale of the home, he will not change.

I am upset for you to hear you've even taken on a second job while pregnant, rather than him just pitching in a little more for his pregnant partner. How awful of him. I wish you and baby all the best for the future, I'm sure this isn't an easy decision for you at all.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. If a man won’t marry you before having kids it’s a massive warning sign he’s going to be a dick when they come about to be honest. Obviously just because a man marries you it doesn’t mean he’s going to be father of the year by any stretch, but it at least means he’s willing to share the financial burden and sees you as a unit.