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Settling the bill after holiday with a friend...

274 replies

KathyLoves · 21/10/2022 13:30

So, my friend and I planned a once in a lifetime kid-free trip to Mexico. Finally, we got to go in September however I was signed off on stress leave from work the month before and I was very clear that I needed a break. It turned into a disaster, despite her being older and (I thought) more responsibile than me, (she's a very very senior civil servant and is often on the news for her job), she was a nightmare and the trip felt like I was her personal assistant not her friend.

Basically, she was inconsiderate throughout and showed no common sense.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip so expected me to pay for everything and said she'd pay me back.

I'm so stressed because she owes me a lot of money and we're not on the best terms because she made the trip so miserable for me and I told her I needed some space to de-stress as it wasn't the trip I was expecting.

More details-
This went on for the week we were away... she wanted to buy duty free ciggies and split them (but changed her mind after I bought them), she was sending me to pay for diet cokes on the beach (when I was drinking my own bottled water), she wanted to go on expensive day trips and the whole thing was incredibly stressful as she also couldn't organise anything herself (even her excess luggage on the way back she couldn't get sorted so I had to pay it at the airport for her... £130!!!!).

Anyway, when we came back I said I'd plug the expenses in to our cost share app when I had the chance (frankly, I was already stressed enough after the expensive holiday from hell and the idea of going through all of the receipts wasn't a priority). I paid the huge credit card bill out of my savings (which are now down to £300) and finally put the expense list together today... she owes me £1500. I was shocked (but it makes me feel better about that huge bill). This doesn't include the stuff I paid for her in cash (like tips, taxis, some drinks), the cigarettes she changed her mind about (fine, I'll keep them even though I don't need them) or little things like buying the odd coffee for her or snack.

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble over things like foreign exchange fees or credit card fees (the first time she disrupted me on the beach to pay her bar bill she said 'I'll make a note that I owe you £2.50 for the diet coke!' and I said I'll be charged more on my card because of fees and it doesn't seem fair that I'm paying the difference... she pouted and just said again 'it says £2.50 on the menu')

OP posts:
Adultchildofelderlyparents · 21/10/2022 15:28

Gosh, where to start.

  1. You call her a friend, but you don't seem to like her. The dig about her senior job and being on the news in your first post, threatening to our her on twitter in a comment. These are not the words of a friend, even if that friend has done something to upset you. It's clearly not a friendship, I suggest you both give it up.
  1. Learn to stand up for yourself and learn to say no! Your behaviour as you describe it is passive, even the language you use to describe it. Ok she didn't have a working card. I would have told her to log on to online banking and transfer me money upfront before spending huge amounts on my card for her. She bought some cigarettes on your card then didn't want them, so you are keeping them even though you don't want them? They are hers to pay for and hers to dispose of if she doesn't want them. Stand up for yourself!
  1. Don't wait for the app to notify her. Contact her yourself. Take control of the situation.
ifIwerenotanandroid · 21/10/2022 15:28

KathyLoves · 21/10/2022 14:42

I've known this woman for years. She's behaved well and this behaviour is so out of character for her that yes, I guess I'm trying to hold on to some hope that she had a brain tumour suddenly affecting her personality or something rather than she's a terrible person biding her time... It's very very strange for her to have been this ignorant on the trip.

Sometimes people behave quite differently to different people; or differently to the same person at different times, depending on the circumstances. I had relatives who could be generous one time I saw them, even-handed the next & absolute CFs & users the time after that.

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 15:30

when did you get back from the holiday?
and when did you ask her for the money (how much time has passed?)

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 21/10/2022 15:33

I'm sure I read a thread on here a few months ago with practically the exact same scenario. Only, the OP in this one had gone to Berlin with a friend..... a friend who conveniently turned out to not have any spending money for what was, if I remember rightly, was a 5 day break. The OP ended up subbing her friend too. Can't remember the outcome though.

icelollycraving · 21/10/2022 15:35

If you’ve been back a month with no offer of paying, I think you’ll struggle to get paid back.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/10/2022 15:36

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble

& if she does - give her both barrels, she's behaved disgracefully. Tell her how many incidental cash expenses you've omitted from the account, & that if she doesn't transfer TODAY that you will add these to the total.

Sorry you had such a shit trip after an illness. She's kinda shown you that she's not much of a friend, no? So stop worrying about her reaction, & make sure you get your money back.

mellicauli · 21/10/2022 15:37

She's no friend.
I would text her saying she has wiped out your savings. She's got 7 days to pay or you'll start a small claim. It costs £80 for up to £1500
It's all online, no solicitor required
www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/court-fees

theDudesmummy · 21/10/2022 15:38

She is not, and never was, planning to pay you back. I once had to borrow some money from someone in an emergency situation on holiday. I transferred the money to her bank account the moment I next got to a computer, so within about six hours (this was in the days before you could do banking on your phone). Why did she not just whip out her phone before you even left Mexico and ask you for your bank account details and the total she owed? Of course she never intended to pay.

TokyoSushi · 21/10/2022 15:39

I'm wondering who it is...? (news nerd)

surreygirl1987 · 21/10/2022 15:40

Wow... I was totally thinking about Inventing Anna as well while reading this!

theDudesmummy · 21/10/2022 15:43

And yes, give her an ultimatum (a short one) and then if she doesn't pay go to moneyclaim online.

Notjusta · 21/10/2022 15:44

TokyoSushi · 21/10/2022 15:39

I'm wondering who it is...? (news nerd)

Me too!

Newusernameaug · 21/10/2022 15:48

I’ve had something similar from a ‘best friend’ only it was £7k and I never got the money back.

There will be no proof, there is none, so police and employer won’t be interested so other than small claims court - and that only works if they have assets. So unless you get it off her asap you’ve no chance of getting it back and threats won’t do anything.

Oh and the media will not run with a news article accusing someone of theft with no proof - yes you have the receipts but who’s to say you didn’t offer to pay?

Newusernameaug · 21/10/2022 15:50

And I’m giving you this advice as if you start threatening her you can’t back down and it may stop her paying you - I want you to know your threats are empty ones.

whynotwhatknot · 21/10/2022 15:51

Sounds like she knew you were a soft touch and exploited it

theres no way she could use her app to transfer anything to you?-oh and all the cash she had you said she took out more how did she do that

theDudesmummy · 21/10/2022 15:53

If she is a high-profile person, she won't want a judgment which goes on her record so moneyclaim online is your best bet. Personally I wouldn't ruin someones' career for £1500, but I would be hellbent on getting my money back, even if just for the principle of the thing (and sorry you had such a shit holiday).

hardtochangename · 21/10/2022 15:53

Have you never been away with her before or has she never acted like this with you before? It's an astonishing level of entitlement for someone who should be relatively intelligent. Is she used to being' kept' whilst she's on holiday with her partner as in he/she pays for everything and takes care of all arrangements so she just parks her brain for the week?

drpet49 · 21/10/2022 15:55

mellicauli · 21/10/2022 15:37

She's no friend.
I would text her saying she has wiped out your savings. She's got 7 days to pay or you'll start a small claim. It costs £80 for up to £1500
It's all online, no solicitor required
www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/court-fees

This. And if she doesn’t comply I would happily outed the chancer on Twitter etc.

Randomword6 · 21/10/2022 15:56

The OP is clearly not going to threaten to out this person to the media when she feels so bad about even asking for the money. I think the friend's behaviour is sociopathic. Perhaps this specific behaviour is triggered by going abroad. However the OP said she had concerns before they went. It sounds as if the other woman is definitely good at using people, and perhaps keeps her powder dry, behaves well for a time to ensure trust.

Randomword6 · 21/10/2022 15:57

The friend sounds like Linda Tripp!

burnoutbabe · 21/10/2022 16:07

i think you are overthinking it.

Just send her a text to say "hi, finally updated the app with receipts for our trip, it shows you owe me £x. Can you check it over weekend and then transfer me the money to XYZ by end of the week.
then worry if no response.

as you took ages to prepare the split, she hasn't actually said I WILL NOT PAY YOU, so just assume its all okay and she's just a bit lacks about these sort of things.
I mean she MAY be a complete scammer. But unlikely if you have been mates for years. She's probably just waiting for you to contact her about it, rather than her keep chasing you.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/10/2022 16:11

There will be no proof, there is none, so police and employer won’t be interested so other than small claims court - and that only works if they have assets. So unless you get it off her asap you’ve no chance of getting it back and threats won’t do anything.

I think OP has proof - she's been texting about the sums owed.

bewarethetides · 21/10/2022 16:16

KathyLoves · 21/10/2022 14:08

You're right but even the idea of this seems so stressful to me. I'm the one who took a month to go through the creditcard statements (I used two cards when I was away).

She away this weekend for a family birthday and this is also a lot of money for her so I don't want to immediately start giving her a hard time plus I'm sure there's a few things I owe her money for (but I'd be shocked if it's more than £50-100... I think one taxi and maybe a night at a hotel).

Who cares if it's a lot of money for her? SHE wanted it spent for her and promised to pay you back. So tell her it needs to be paid back now, including the conversion fees, etc, or you'll take her to small claims.

She's not your friend. I think you know that.

Piggieinthemiddle · 21/10/2022 16:17

Once I was solo travelling and my wallet got stolen. I had to ring my mum, who had to ring the bank, pretending to be me, to cancel my cards as I couldn't find the international number. Then I had to get her to transfer a large sum of money to the account of a fellow British traveller I had just met (as I did not trust the Internet cafes not to steal my details) so that he could withdraw it for me in cash. Not an ideal situation, but it worked out okay. I can't believe she didn't do something similar. You could have lent her the money to call her bank, transferred you some money and it would all have been fine. She must have had some idea of the ballpark figure for the hotels at least, so she should have transferred you that immediately.

burnoutbabe · 21/10/2022 16:18

if you think you owe her money for a few bits (or needs to be added to the app) then you need to ask her the details so you can add those to the calculation.

So mention that in your text - you have put in your bits - can she put in hers, then the net can be paid.

else it looks like YOU are trying to ask her for more than is due.

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