Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

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My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

I don't think this is normal personally.

Have a look at the Alzheimer's Society forum and search for funding care. I don't think it is reasonable to expect you to contribute out of some sense of injustice that your mum is having to cope with the experience alone (in a practical sense).

I have known people to contribute to care when doing so provides a greater level of choice about care options (topping up), but not when the parents simply begrudge paying for it themselves.

Children are in no way "in debt" with parents for them paying childrens holidays, tuition fees, shoes, clothes, food etc. That's parents responsibility and to guilt trip you with this is absolutely outrageous!!!
They need to use their savings for their everyday needs if necessary, not mentally manipulate their children. Disgusting!!!

No not normal hut your mum is obviously stressed and worried. £50 is reasonable if treats all it is

No

And ofcourse, if parents CAN NOT pay, I'd seek help and obviously give as much as I can.
Bit simply because the don't want to and insist you to foot their bill while they save their pennies... outrageous.

It does not make sense to contribute now. They should use the savings. The point to contribute is when the savings run out. That is when they will need money for the little things that the state will view as luxuries, but which you will want them to have.

I’ve not heard of it before if I’m honest and it does sound off.

Maybe it’s because they don’t want to use the savings but then I can’t see how only a £50 contribution from maybe what, 3/4 siblings would help either?

Does seem strange!

Nope not normal. Its different if your contribution would improve care or quality of life but sounds like that's not the case. I would maybe suggest saying you will contribute when their savings run out

If it makes her feel better. It sounds symbolic more than anything. She feels alone

No, it's not normal. There's no logic to saying they're protecting your inheritance pot if your using your own funds to do so.

It's a shame that they've found themselves in this situation, and I think they must be panicking a bit and not thinking straight.

Well, she sounds like she will cut you out of the will if you don't so you might need to be a united front with your siblings (or secretly help more so that they get disinherited).

No, not normal at all.

Has your mum (or anyone) looked into CHC (Continuing Health Care) to see if your dad is eligible? I warn you, it is quite an exhausting process, but it's definitely worth looking into. Even if you can't get CHC for your dad, there are other options.

I think it's shocking that your mother has demanded this, tbh, with that amount of money in savings.

No, you don't have to pay your parents back for parenting you. You're their children, not indentured servants.

I don’t think it’s normal. However if it was my parents I’d do it, because I’d just think my mum was anxious and worried about money, my dad, things going wrong etc

Thanks for the quick responses, and for confirming exactly what I felt! I think the poster who said it’s ‘symbolic’ is exactly right, mum feels we should be contributing in some way and the only way we can do this is through a financial contribution. And yes, even if all three of us pay say £50 a month that’s not going to make a significant contribution to the overall cost of care anyway.

This is not normal and granted it is a terribly sad time for your mother it’s horribly manipulative for her to bring up tuition fees etc. Even from an objective perspective it makes more sense to use savings which will be eaten up by inheritance tax (rather than you paying out of taxed income).

No it makes no sense because any inheritance will be taxed.
Maybe reassure your mum that you will support her if all her savings are used up. I guess she’s feeling anxious about running out of money to live on.

What's happens if your Mother needs care? Their savings should be spent now as the "rainy day" has arrived. If they want to save their money and pass it onto to you, they won't benefit. They either spend the money on care or leave it to you. Either way it's a lose/lose for them.

No just no. They have the means to pay for it, your mum is being grabby and unreasonable. I don’t see why you need to act like their personal cash point? I don’t think anyone likes paying for care but there you go and they have savings to do this. I’m sure you have mortgages, cars, children etc to pay for.

Personally speaking my parents had things a lot easier than myself -free university tuition, easy to buy a house, no childcare costs etc etc. I started my working life in negative financially and have worked way more hours than my mum had at my age e.g. she thinks finishing work at 5.30 or 6.00pm is “too late”. So my parents wouldn’t get a penny from me

No I don’t think this makes sense at all. Surely £50 per month barely covers anything anyway.... unless there are 8 of you?! Why wouldn’t they use their savings...... are you sure they are in the financial position you think they’re in?!

I find it sad that they would use things they did for you as a child as emotional leverage too. I find that quite low personally.

Can you offer other support such as visiting fortnightly to help or something?

Overall if I could afford it I’d just pay the money off it made a difference, but if begrudge passing it off it made things hard for me or affected my own financial stability.

Have your parents sought any advice about their financial position? It may be that your Mum is really quite frightened about her future and that's manifesting itself in anger and her kind of trying to clutch you all around her for security by asking for a financial commitment. In her head she may be seeing her house and all her savings slipping away being spent on your Dad and there being nothing left to support her if she needs care too.

Would they be willing to speak with someone who is a member of the Society of Later Life Advisers perhaps? They are the gold standard of providing financial advice to people in just such a situation as your parents and will be familiar with the highly emotional side of things as well as the practical. If she can see how their financial affairs can be arranged to best advantage and protect her interests this may ease her anxiety and in turn stop the guilt trip on you.

It sounds to me that your mum is massively stressed and watching your partner die with cancer is not to be underestimated. If it was me, I’d pay. I think it’s less to do with the actual money and more to do with your mums beliefs about money and maybe fear that she will be left alone/ is terrified and broke. It is probably irrational and she may well benefit from counselling during this awful time. If it’s reassuring for her, then yes, why not? It may be that once you begin to pay she will relax a bit more and soon not bother to ask. Whatever happens it won’t be for long unfortunately, and I am not sure that making a stand will benefit anyone

Yes agree it's symbolic. I'm wondering if your parents have applied for CHC funding given your dad's diagnosis.

Your mum is likely anticipating the death of your father and the lead up to it leaving her homeless and with no savings. She is probably panicking and overestimating that they will spend their whole nest egg, sell the house, your father will die and she (if she is in decent health) will be destitute.

I assume that’s why she is being so weird about ££ as the figures she is asking for don’t make sense but I guess if they do spend £100k in care, he does and she is left with just the house and a pension, £150 pcm would top her up to not feel panicked.

Do what you like obviously, you don’t owe her anything but that’s why I would think is the root of her behaviour and requests.

Crosspost!