Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

No, it's not normal and makes no financial sense, but as you say it's a stressful time for them. What do your siblings think? I think you need to discuss with them and agree on a united approach.

It's bizarre. I've never heard of this in my life. And I've had grandparents, parents and later my husband, who needed care.

I'm confused though. Why are they having to pay for care for your DF if he has cancer? None of my late DH home care had to be paid for. It was nursing care, so health-related and FOC. In fact I also got carer's allowance, even though he had carers coming in twice a day to do his personal care as well as the District nurses doing the nursing care.

Thank you for the CHC links - I’ll look into that. Part of me thinks that for an easy life I should just pay a symbolic contribution each month, but it just feels wrong

It’s a symbolic gesture. £50 is nothing in the grand scheme of schemes. Your poor mum sounds stressed. And my your own account, it seems that she has done a lot for you.

If my parents asked me, I would do it without giving it a second thought.

*things -
Not schemes

As your dad has cancer, is he not eligible to have his care paid by the state (CHC I think it's called). This isn't means tested. Does he have a Macmillan nurse or similar to talk to about this?

This isn't normal.

Some basic advice for your mum. She needs to split the £100k in half now. His half and her. His is spent on the care. When his half is down to the £22,250 threshold - if it gets that low with pensions income and life expectancy- then she asks the local authority to assess to help fund.

£50k with a £23250 cut off is actually only £26k for his care.

That leaves your mum her £50k for her care.

The house isn't counted while they live in it.

If your mum later needs care and you dad is not around the house only counts if she goes into a home.

If they don't split the money they could be spending on his care a lot sooner than they should be.

Speak to age uk or Macmillan- with cancer funding can be fast tracked.
Make sure they are getting all they are entitled to like attendance allowance.

It's not as uncommon as posters on here see it for wider family members to contribute, often for residential care but also to get more homecare to keep the parent in their own home.

The issues here are:
For the purpose of social care he has 50k in savings. He'd not get any contribution until he'd spent just over 25 k. Then it would be a sliding scale.of support, probably still way over the ceiling of the local authority allowance.
Atm if the costs are circa 1k,likelihood is that he's already got 4 visits a day. He may then need night support if intending to stay at home, or live in carers maybe cheaper. That 25k will reduce very quickly. However, without being morbid, it sounds as though he may not have a long life expectancy, so this may be a moot point.
Your mum maybe concerned also for herself, if she is aware it's looking likely she will be alone, possibly for a decade or more, 10k a year to top up their incomes isn't actually a great deal for their standard of living. And probably the thought of selling to release equity won't go down well in the initial period....
In your shoes, given you can afford it and are not supporting as such, I'd probably give the money. And provide anything that makes your dad's life just a little bit more comfortable and less painful.

@saraclara They have paid carers coming in to their house a couple of times a day I think, as my dad has loss of mobility and so needs help washing, going to toilet etc.

For those saying CHC having cancer and being 'end of life' means nothing in CHC terms. People can be 'end of life' for years. If at the moment his needs are all personal care etc then he's social care.

@cautiouscovidity

As your dad has cancer, is he not eligible to have his care paid by the state (CHC I think it's called). This isn't means tested. Does he have a Macmillan nurse or similar to talk to about this?

It's unlikely and if he does become eligible, there's likely to be such a short period of time when this is has any bearing on their situation.

Plus chc applications process is an absolute balls ache outside of covid, let alone now. And it's nigh impossible to get awarded.

I think I'd focus on explaining the following to DM:

• It actually makes more sense to spend your "inheritance" rather than it being taxed when they die so less left to you. Also that if use up savings then government would start to contribute to care if needed (once they had less than £23k in savings on current rates).
• Look into CHC.
• If they did run out of money then of course you would help then and not seen her/them on the street.

Your mother won't die at the same time as your father, £100k in savings is for the rest of her life too. Maybe your father is thinking of her.

If you can afford £50 help out. If you can't. Don't.

People with cancer don't pay care costs as far as I'm aware

Uncomfortable elements of control/manipulation to have to deal with at an emotional time for you and your siblings too. 💐

No, not normal at all, but possibly 'normal' from your mums perspective as she sounds stressed and irrational. Has she sought any professional advice for her finances or investigating what care would be provided free? Has she considered downsizing?

Have you spoken to your siblings? This needs to be a combined front from you all as to the best way forward. My worry would be that its £50 each now, and in 2 months she asks for £100 each, then in 6mths its £200 each!

IF, I contributed at all, I'd prefer it was for specific things in the carehome- a haircut, massage, day out etc, rather than just random money into a pot.

On a side note, your parents chose to give birth to you! Its dreaful and manipulative to blackmail you with the cost of raising you, uni fees etc. Could you suggest counselling for her or just book it? If this is a sudden, out of character reaction, it does sound more like its stress induced rather than rational thought.

Not normal. It’s normal to contribute if parents can’t pay themselves or if children are in much better financial position than parents.

Just a small point, but an estate worth £600k between a married couple would not be subject to IHT.

I just don't understand it. Your parents were good people who loved and cared for you and paid for extras like uni. (You don't say they were toxic drunks or anything.)
Now your father is sick and your mother is scared that all the savings will be used for his care and she will be penniless. You have enough money to pay the 50 GPB (which is $70 US). It's two takeaways a month but you "don't feel right" about it?

It's not about how YOU feel -- it's about how your mother feels. She feels scared. She is afraid all the money will be gone and she will be stuck in a nursing home. From what you said here, I would be afraid of that too.

I think residential care can be much more expensive - if DF needs it - it's about £900 a week - that's why people get so upset about losing all their assets and inheritance.

Plus chc applications process is an absolute balls ache outside of covid, let alone now

It is difficult, for sure. But still worth looking into I'd say, and any other funding that might be available.

I dont think £50 a month is a big ask tbh. I would just pay it unless I was very hard up.

It makes more sense for them to use their savings, and for you to contribute once the savings run out. I'd certainly expect to contribute to my parents' care if they run out of cash.