Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

Perhaps your parents are using that £100k to provide a top up income to the pensions and are worried that basic living costs won't be covered if that's eaten into too much?
Maybe the £150 from you and siblings is to replace that income rather than the capital?

You are allowed to visit to provide care, BTW, which includes helping your mum to care for your dad.

What I don't understand is why there is such a variance in the fees,
£500-1000 a month ? if your Dad needs two care visits a day, every day, then you would expect the fees to be very similar month to month ?
Two care visits of an hour each visit , still leave your Mum dealing with the other 22 hours in the day, that is a lot for anyone to deal with on their own without significant support.
I do think you and your siblings need to look at how you can support your Mum and Dad in the future. I appreciate that most people don't have the ability to take over the whole care burden, but what can you do ? To be honest a £50 contribution sounds quite small, when you consider the circumstances your parents are dealing with.

I'd just pay it. You'll get back: sorry if that sounds bad. But I do think it's more of a connection thing than financial.

I can imagine your mother is feeling worried about the future. I would certainly help out if it meant that she would feel less stressed.

To be honest a £50 contribution sounds quite small, when you consider the circumstances your parents are dealing with
the circumstances are that they have plenty of money there for a financial contribution is not necessary surely
One does not need charity when one already has plenty of money

I can’t believe how mean it is to not want to help out with such a small amount.

@Branleuse

If it makes her feel better. It sounds symbolic more than anything. She feels alone

£600 a year for an unspecified number of years is not symbolic

I think it is symbolic and, as such, you should pay, especially as it is not a huge amount. Your mother wants some evidence that her children care

@Coyoacan

I think it is symbolic and, as such, you should pay, especially as it is not a huge amount. Your mother wants some evidence that her children care

I can't imagine asking my children to chip in for my medical bills even though I had 100 grand in the bank, it's as if she wants to set up a tithing system where you are forced to demonstrate your fealty I would never take money from my children, never! Especially not if I was already wealthy 😳 It's like she's a feudal landlord and you are the serfs

It’s not standard, and this is what their savings are for - but £50 a month is not a large amount so it’s not worth the bad blood of saying no.

Who would really begrudge a parent cancer care?

If his cancer is deteriorating it won’t be for a huge amount of time.

His care fees are low in the general scheme of things. Care homes in London start at £1000 a week.

It doesn’t really make sense financially to do this. They will be expected to use their savings for their care so if you are topping up it will be even longer before they reach the threshold where they no longer have to pay out of their savings. So you’re saving the council money rather than your parents, if you see what I mean? Is she worried about finances? There is protection for the spouse for the jointly owned home so that she won’t have to move out, and of 100k savings 50k would be hers rather than your Dads. Would it be possible for you or your siblings to sit and go through it with her?

@PickAChew

You are allowed to visit to provide care, BTW, which includes helping your mum to care for your dad.

This, Go and visit them, it really sounds like your mum is feeling abandoned and looking for family support.

Worried about her own future and not having any money.

I'd chance your luck with the GP and ask for the vaccine as a carer for your mum and dad.

Logically it makes no sense to help pay for care. As was pointed out the less people having in savings the sooner the state steps up.
But your mum is dealing with some of the toughest times in her life and needs support, to help support your Dad.

Been wondering about the amount.
Perhaps it's more for Dad. Perhaps he has expressed panic about the future of his wife and maybe is refusing all sorts of possible care because of the expense and the concern that later down the line she too will need to fork out for her own care.
So if she can tell him "it's ok because all three are helping out in this" then he is more reassured. She doesnt need to tell him how much.
If you live long enough in the habit of money coming and saving some, it can be very hard to be in a position of spending it all very fast. The psychology of it is that you'd want to spend it as slowly as possible otherwise there is panic.
So maybe dad is panicking.
For many things, you can't just give care to somebody-they have to also accept it-physio, hygiene, therapy, personal grooming etc
The 3x£50 might make dad more accepting.

No I don't think I makes logical sense at all for you and siblings to contribute £50..

But your dad's dying from cancer, your mom's obviously really stressed, and your worried about logic and principle (& of course the £50).

It's one of those occasions that a mumsnet post really isn't required...

Those saying it's only £600 a year so they should all pay it so Mom feels loved. What if she doesn't? What if she looks at the paltry £150 a month coming in from their children and she still feels unloved--? Should they up it to £100 a month? What if two can afford to do so and one not? Does the one who can't love them less?

If money were right and this was about affordability it would b different, but they have £100,000 in savings, a £500,000 home and four lots of pensions coming in.

Ops Mom is struggling but I don't think throwing something they already have at it is the answer

Is it at all possible they're not as well off as you think? Have you seen proof of their savings for example?

It seems an unusual ask given the savings to hand but if you can afford the £50 per month then do it...it does sound like perhaps your Mum is panicking & possibly afraid for her financial future should she need care herself at some point. Do it for now & perhaps once you can check out whatever supports are available to your Dad, financial & otherwise, you can revisit the topic with your Mum & have a better discussion about it when all is a little clearer. It is a difficult time for your family & made more so by covid & lockdowns...your Mum is likely v stressed, as no doubt are you all, and hard to have these conversations & decision making at this point in time. But for your Mum's peace of mind in the short term & family harmony, do it for the timebeing.

If they've always been careful with money, the care fees might seem like a lot to be spending even though they can well afford it. My Dad is similar in that he was brought up frugally and finds it hard to spend money despite being financially comfortable now. Add in the stress of your Dad's deteriorating health and they may have got in a panic as PP's have suggested.

Either you or one of your siblings should prioritize visiting them as soon as possible. What they probably need is reassurance that you're there for them at this difficult time. If they want to discuss finances, it'll be much easier face-to-face - perhaps there's a genuine cause for concern that you're not aware of, or your Mum might just need reassurance that she's going to be OK.

What care is he requiring for that money?

Is there not charities that can help?

She wants you siblings to help out so she doesn't have to use her 'share' of the savings.......

She might end up needing care at some point - has she thought about how that would be managed?

They have the money and the financial income to set up something that is more cost effective in the long run.

I get the feeling she's probably feeling a lot of pressure also re your dads care needs.....i doubt he's the same kind of person he used to be and it will have taken a toll on their relationship.......so she needs somewhere to turn for the support she needs.

Perhaps she could look into contacting some organisations/groups dealing with the same issues?

No, that's not normal.
That's horrible.
None of you asked to be born, that was a decision your parents made.
You're not their indentured servant.

I'd probably pay the money because i could afford it but i think its grasping and mean.

She is being silly but probably overwhelmed and not thinking straight.

Spell out to her about the 40% tax and that you don't care about inheritance, that this is exactly what their savings are for - caring for them.

If she brings it up again just breezily "we've already discussed that mum", change of conversation.

If it makes your mum feel cared for and loved I'd do it. Obviously not good economics but that's not the issue I don't think.

@DfEisashambles

I can’t believe how mean it is to not want to help out with such a small amount.

But the parents are much wealthier than the children, as is usually the case with the age demographics in question.

The parents have good pensions, a lot of savings, and a paid for house.

It sounds like the children are solvent, but will have much larger mortgages, inferior pensions and families to support.

But I agree with the suggestion that each sibling spends a weekend a month with the parents, or whatever is practical, the OPs DF is teminally ill, so visiting and helping with care is a reasonable excuse wrt to the lockdown rules - presumably the parents have been vaccinated now, so the risk of covid transmission isn't so much of a worry.

Also to provide help with looking into allowances for the OPs DM and moving their savings around to make the best of what will be left for DM after DF passes.

OP.