Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc
presume you do the same for your children, you cant pay it back and pay it forward, did she support her parents to pay them back for feeding & clothing her?

Could one of you visit and arrange a simultaneous meeting (zoom, probably) with a financial advisor or Macmillan specialist? Help mum understand the situation.

It would be hurtful to your mum if you all declined as it doesn't make financial sense, and at the same time are unable to be physically present. She must feel quite abandoned. I understand it may be impossible for you to be there, but She's possibly simply be reaching out for some acknowledgment of her situation from her DC.

It’s only £50 quid a mth, it’s worth it if it gives them both some sense of comfort. If u couldn’t afford it and they had 100k then it would be a different story.

What do your siblings think?

No not normal at all.
I would probably pay it but your mum is being irrational and unreasonable. What does your dad say?

I have noticed in a lot of older people, my parents included, there is a sense that they should not have to give up assets to pay for their care. My parents firmly believe that, despite all the things they have had (affordable housing, free education, final salary pensions) they are worse off than younger generations and were furious with me when I showed them the economic reports that people under 40 are going to be the first generation since WW2 to be worse off than their parents. I wonder if something like that is happening here? It sounds really hard for you and I am sorry you are getting the guilt trips. No parents should hold what they did for their children against them. I think you will just have to repeat that you want them to use the money for themselves now rather than waiting to give it to you.

When my DH had terminal cancer, I thought I was coping well, keeping calm, being rational. But some of the decisions I made back then were, with hindsight, really poor.

So unless they have form, I'd cut your DPs a little bit of slack. They're going to be in panic mode even if they're convincing themselves that they're not.

This really is where a cool and informed, impartial head is required. I'll be forever grateful to the Macmillan benefits advisor for what she did for us.

You don’t “owe” her this, but I would pay the 50 pounds. It’s a small price to pay for making your mum and dad feel your love and support at this difficult time. If you can’t pay 50 pounds, talk to your mum and contribute what you can.

Sorry to go against the grain but if you think you can afford it then, yes, I think you should pay. Your parents may not be struggling financially but may well be emotionally and it sounds as though they are physically isolated from their children. Also the symbolic contribution may help allay your Mums fears about finances. Whatever you decide I am sorry OP that you and your family are having to go through this. Xx

Do they have life insurance? That will often pay out early.

I would pay the £50 if you can afford it...its not a lot...but what happens if he goes into a home full time and fees are now around 2k a week for a good home...difficulte situation would then arise.

I don’t know any parent that would expect their children’s to pay for their care, most would use their savings would downsize their house!

My grans savings are gone as is the cost of her home approx 220k all gone on care over the last 3 years! It’s ridiculous that others are receiving the same care and getting it paid for them!

In answer to you question no this isn’t normal or widespread, it up to you if you contribute. I wouldn’t be guilted into it based on your parents having ‘parented’ you though.

The IHT angle is irrelevant as unless they’ve got several hundreds of thousands of pounds hidden somewhere they aren’t even close to the threshold.

Encourage your mum to seek proper financial advice regarding funding care, it isn’t an unreasonable request before you start paying out to expect all avenues to have been explored.

I am inclined to agree with frumpety 's point, in principle though.
Unless you are all abroad, is it really not possible for you to take turns to go and spend the weekend with you Mum and Dad ?
I'm aware we've been in lockdown, but would have thought one of you might have been able to go, and hopefully the full lockdown will be ending soon.

Not normal at all. This is what their savings are for.
If your Dad requires home care now and he's not expected to improve and he needs a nursing home in future, you're talking thousands a month. That's going to be a real shock to them.

Contact Age UK, they can help with advice on CHC funding (incredibly difficult to get) and also anything else they may be entitled to. But with assets like theirs it's going to be little to nothing.

So sorry - it's not easy. My DGMs care is over £3k a month, she has a few years left from the sale of her house to fund her own care.

£50 is going to make no difference on what could be near on a grand a month!

No this is not normal, and you shouldn’t be pressurised into doing it.

Your parents need to get legal advice. It would be a good idea to divide their assets in two, so that your mum’s share can’t be touched to pay for your dad's care. This includes the house, if it’s owned joint tenants get it changed to tenants in common (these are terms which apply to owning a house not renting one by the way). All your dad’s assets can be taken to pay for care down to £23,000 (I think) which he can keep, so if you contribute that is money down the drain if the situation goes on for a long time.

They could try applying for CHC but the criteria are incredibly high and it’s a lot to go through, we were only eligible to get it for my dad 2 weeks before he died and it was too much hassle in the end.

I’m sorry to hear your situation OP, it’s very sad

No, it's not normal.

I don’t think it’s normal, I don’t like my mother at all she’s very toxic but I know she’d give her last penny to make sure my dad was cared for. She’d obviously expect us to keep her after wards but that’s a different story.

Maybe your mum is worried she’s going to be left with nothing and destitute at the end of it all. Or she’s wanting to make sure she’s got a comfy next egg when your dad passes..

I also think as others have said it could be just symbolic.

I agree with pp, as he has cancer they should not be paying care costs. My late DH didn’t pay for any care, at home or in the hospice.

My mother had cancer and substantial savings but for her care for free....

Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

Luckily my siblings and I are all on the same page and are definitely united. All of us could afford to contribute something, but struggle to see why we should quite frankly!

I think the posters who have said my mum’s panicked and scared are probably right. And that the payment is ‘symbolic’ in a way. And yes, once lockdown is over we should hopefully be able to visit them in person which will help, and make them feel less abandoned.

All families are different but in this case all though it seems a lot, the money won’t go far. However once their savings are below £16,000 they will be eligible for some help, so in reality you would be better to put some money aside rather than paying now.

got her care for free’ sorry, hit post by accident...maybe you should look into this?

It’s not normal.

Ok, my mum did contribute to her mother’s care but that was because my parents are very well off. My grandmother was living in a council house with no savings. My mum’s siblings except one didn’t contribute (one is on benefits herself looking after a severely disabled partner.