Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

using a time of great stress and trauma to open up a pipeline for you and your siblings to bankroll her Forever After

@loveisagirlnameddaisy

Just a small point, but an estate worth £600k between a married couple would not be subject to IHT.

Yep. I was about to say the same. After the death of a spouse, the remaining spouse 'inherits' their partner's IHT allowance. I believe a single person's IHT allowance is £350k, so a widow/er's allowance is £700k.

It’s not your responsibility and it doesn’t make financial sense for you to contribute. I also really disagree with parents feeling their children have some sort of obligation to them.

But, to make your mum feel supported (if you can afford it), could you set up a £50 a month savings account. But, tell her it’s being set up to help out if the if the funds run out, not to support them now.

However, I think solidarity with your siblings, and all giving consistent messaging is key here.

It’s not common. I would do it for my parents though

No it’s not normal. They need to use their savings, could they consider selling up if necessary?

Personally I would be happier to treat my mum for a day out every so often and perhaps pay for extra care on that day

OP, if your dad has cancer, contact Macmillan. They sent us their benefits person, who sat on our sofa (sadly that bit's not possible at the moment) and filled in the forms for every single benefit that we were entitled to. Most of which it hadn't occurred to us that we could claim/would have thought to apply for. They made it so easy. All we had to do was sign at the end.

A care home is usually more than £500- £1000 a month!! People pay that in a week sometimes.

@PanamaPattie you raise a good point there’s no guarantee that OP mother won’t also need care too using the inheritance.

@EL8888

No just no. They have the means to pay for it, your mum is being grabby and unreasonable. I don’t see why you need to act like their personal cash point? I don’t think anyone likes paying for care but there you go and they have savings to do this. I’m sure you have mortgages, cars, children etc to pay for.

Personally speaking my parents had things a lot easier than myself -free university tuition, easy to buy a house, no childcare costs etc etc. I started my working life in negative financially and have worked way more hours than my mum had at my age e.g. she thinks finishing work at 5.30 or 6.00pm is “too late”. So my parents wouldn’t get a penny from me

I'm with you.

Luckily my mum didn't try to pull that one but to her dying day, she wouldn't acknowledge how much easier her life was financially than ours.

Again, no uni fees, a house bought for £4500 in 1969 sold for £450,000 in 2014.

She was a SAHM most of my life (tho did 'pin money' jobs); when dad died in 2008, mum was left with pensions amounting to £20,000 a year, the house and savings of £80,000.

Then would not infrequently have a bit of a go at me for 'not thinking of the family' for working 8-7 three days a week, including Saturday, and being on-call overnight. Dad only ever worked 9-5 Mon-Fri. in his middle management job.

So, no, I wouldn't have been at all happy at being asked for £50 a month.

It doesn't sound normal to me either. One thing I wondered, had your parents got plans for some of that money e.g. holidays? This could be a reaction to the realisation that their retirement plans won't be happening anymore and perhaps some denial?

@Sumwin1

A care home is usually more than £500- £1000 a month!! People pay that in a week sometimes.

@PanamaPattie you raise a good point there’s no guarantee that OP mother won’t also need care too using the inheritance.

He's not in a care home though. They have domiciliary carers coming in a couple of times a day.

I think your mum feels abandoned. I'd tackle that head on instead of skirting around it with a £50 proxy war.

From what I gather they will have to use their savings until they reach about 16k. Then the state will pick up the bill. They cannot make your mother homeless. They cannot rob the pensions either. I may be wrong but this is how it worked with MIL.

Agree with everyone else.
It's not normal, or common, but more importantly, it makes no financial sense.
Ask her if she would rather any money they have put by after their deaths, went to you and your siblings or to the Government in tax. If her answer is she'd rather it (well 40% of it) went in tax, then her request would make sense.

@saraclara ahhh yes my mistake I thought OP was saying that’s what her dad was going to need.

I would guess, if your mum is usually a reasonable and caring mum, that she’s panicking about using the money that they may have had allocated to doing some things together (cruise? Renovations? Other luxury item they’ve been talking about for years) and now using that money and accepting that thing isn’t going to happen is a bit difficult and she’s trying to soften the blow - In which case, whilst I don’t agree, if it’s something you can al afford I’d probably just do it

Alternatively, is she panicking that all the money will be used on your dad, and then if she needs care at a later date, she will end up with a lower quality?
Could you chat to her a promise you’ll all always look out for her and she won’t be left with nothing

@BackforGood

Agree with everyone else. It's not normal, or common, but more importantly, it makes no financial sense. Ask her if she would rather any money they have put by after their deaths, went to you and your siblings or to the Government in tax. If her answer is she'd rather it (well 40% of it) went in tax, then her request would make sense.

It won't go in tax. Not unless they're above the inheritance tax threshold which currently they're not.

How often are you and your siblings able to go and stay with your parents and help your Mum get some respite ? It sounds like she feels very alone dealing with it all, perhaps she feels that a token monetary gesture makes up for a lack of physical care ? You mention none of you are close enough to help practically ? Would it be possible to set up a rota so you and your siblings visit every other week to offer help/support, so you would each visit once every six weeks ? As other posters have said , the toll of caring for someone who is dying of cancer is immense. A lot of the normal supportive services that people could access are not occuring due to the pandemic, so day centres at Hospices and the like.
Social care/personal care in the last weeks of life is funded, but you unfortunately need someone to make the decision that a person is entering that stage. If the funding is agreed and the person's condition plateau's as sometimes happens, then the funding can be withdrawn.

Is your mum claiming attendance allowance (24 hr if applicable)? If not, get her on to it and as PP have said, seek help and advice from groups like MacMillan who can go through individual circumstances and advise on eligibility for different benefits. It may be the case he is eligible for CHC but even if he is you have to fight for it.

She should also get financial advice to understand her financial position once widows - not fun but it is important and may be something you can do for her with the right consents in place.

Irrespective of the arguments about inheritance vs using savings it rarely makes sense to preserve a future inheritance by having the children pay for current care.

Don't contribute - it doesn't make financial sense

I think it's an odd request, for all the reasons you've named. Savings are meant to be used when they are needed. When savings are close to being depleted, that's the time to turn to family for help.

I'd be more comfortable contributing toward a specific "something" rather than giving money, under these circumstances. I'm not sure what the "something" would be, though. A cleaner, if they didn't already have one. Something that they can enjoy together? Something that would make their life a little easier or more pleasant?

However, if your mother is insistent about the money, maybe it's best to just give it, even though it makes no logical sense to give it now with the plan being that you'll simply inherit it back later (minus any taxes).

People save up money for a rainy day, now the rainy day has come and instead of being relived that she is lucky enough to have been able to save she is pissed off and wants to dip into your rainy day fund instead!
She's got a cake but she wants to keep her cake and eat someone else's!

Another one here warning that CHC has a VERY high threshold. We managed to get it for my dad in the last 3 months of his life - they funded his private care home fees of £6000 per month, but blimey, the forms are detailed. He was in a very bad way at the point at which they assessed him - was virtually paralysed and doubly incontinent and needed 2 or 3 people to move him and was on a very high medication regime.
Prior to that though, there are other forms of financial help available, and charities/websites available with lots of information. If you can get someone like Macmillan to help though, that would make it easier for you.
It is a very stressful and upsetting time for you all - I do sympathise.

You don’t have to do it, but since your Mum seems worried, I would definitely support my parents if I could afford to.

Not normal at all, I'd never expect any of my dc to do this.
You are not indebted to them, it's awful you are guilt tripped like this.
If your mum ended up in a care home she'd have to sell the house anyway, her money may not go that far to leave an inheritance.
I agree it doesn't make sense.

I agree with @TwoStepsAhead34 - it was their choice to have children so you should not be held ransom because they had to provide you with school uniform or whatever... bonkers attitude.

I know more about my PIL to be honest - before my MIL died they would discuss money matters to the nth degree with DH and I know for sure they did not consider giving away anything to the children 'early' (to avoid IHT) if it meant they could not afford their care. They have lots of savings and are incredibly cautious. FIL has since passed over more assets as it's just him now that may need long-term care; I think his outgoings are also less now MIL is no longer with us - fewer holidays etc.

They were/are all about IHT management and have planned things very carefully - my FIL would think your DM's suggestion incredibly silly, for the reason you've already given. I know less for sure about my DPs but know they have a very good pension and I feel sure must have funds in reserve to cover costs of care. They just don't spell it out to me as much as DH's family do. They are also strongly of the opinion that it makes no sense for any of the children to pay for things they can afford, for IHT reasons.

Obviously, if my parents could not afford a care home or whatever, I would certainly pay, but in an ideal world, an individual would make their own plans for possible end of life care. If your DPs have the funds it's petulant asking for you to contribute. What does your DM envisage needing all this money for anyway? It's a bit of an insensitive attitude given your DF's state of health.