Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

Has your mum applied for attendance allowance?

That’s quite shocking!

I’d be telling her to do one, to be honest

I have only read the OP and not the replies but no, this isn't normal. My parents wouldn't dream of asking this. As for "We took you on holidays" etc 😮😮 that was their choice, and it's, erm, a normal part of parenting....

You've had some good advice here and I hope you are able to sort things out so everyone feels heard, and find a way to pull together to support one another. Going back to what matters the most, I'm so sorry your dad is so unwell. I hope you're doing ok. Sending hugs x

I'm not in the UK, so this is a genuine query. What sort of home care is your father getting OP? If it is nursing care, doesn't the health service provide this free?

Anyway, back to your question: No, it doesn't sound normal to me for your mother to be asking for a contribution. Your parents sound quite comfortable, and the rainy day they have saved for is here and they should use their savings if required.

100k in savings isn't usually lounging in a bank doing nothing. It could be sat in a savings account doing naff all with interest rates as they are with steep penalties for dipping in.

I’d do it for my dad, he has no money though.

What she said is awful and no you don’t pay your parents back for choosing to have you. However if normally she isn’t like this could it be that she is stressed and upset plus she is dealing with this alone, carers coming into her home. Maybe she is trying to get your attention and needs more help from her children physically/emotionally, it may not just be about money.

I take covid and lockdowns seriously but if my parent was that sick, I’d be physically there in person when I could be. You can help vulnerable people and this is definitely one of those scenarios.

Difficult one she'll see that 100k they've worked for all there life as a safety net the rest of her life she could have another 20 years left thats 5k a year.

Properly pissed off that they've worked made good choices and contributed and get fuck towards care . Whilst if you contribute nothing blow all your money the state will foot the bill for you .

But what's a safety net for if you don't spend it when you need it?

They both also have pensions and a mortgage free house so it sounds like they have plenty of money. Plus if you get down to under £23k ish each in cash, it's all paid for anyway.

If you love your parents, they would help you out when needed and you can afford it then I would say do it.Make your mum feel like you're supporting her.

It is unusual to say the least , but in your circumstances I would pay it . Your mum is naturally under a lot of pressure and if this matters so much to her then personally I would do it to please her , despite it being a bonkers .
They are presumably happy with the carers and that is something to be thankful for if you and your siblings aren’t able to help out .
I hope your dad is comfortable and not suffering too much .

£50 per month will cost you all £70 because you'll lose 40% of it when you get it as inheritance. It's a mad idea.

@PinkPurpleIndigo

Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

Luckily my siblings and I are all on the same page and are definitely united. All of us could afford to contribute something, but struggle to see why we should quite frankly!

I think the posters who have said my mum’s panicked and scared are probably right. And that the payment is ‘symbolic’ in a way. And yes, once lockdown is over we should hopefully be able to visit them in person which will help, and make them feel less abandoned.

"struggle to see why we should quite frankly!" This is incredibly sad...

Maybe tell your mother you wil put £50 per month into a savings account and then if her cash drops below £x level - now or when she needs her own care in the future- you will give it to her as a lump? It might help her feel heard without this weird situation of giving her money she doesn’t need. Maybe this is the first time they’ve had to touch the capital of their savings and it’s scaring her to think how fast it could deplete- even though that’s what it’s there for.

I would also try and think of anything useful you could do or order online for her just to help her feel less abandoned whilst you’re unable to visit.

Lots of good advice here. The poster who said but isn’t nursing care at home free? Well you’ll get NHS community nurses in if he needs ‘health’ care (dressings changed or to be given IV medication for example), but the day to day care of washing, toileting, helping to move/ get out of bed, assisting with eating, giving medications, applying creams etc is classed as ‘social’ care. And you have to pay for that.

I don’t understand why they’re paying for care? It should be on the NHS and if your dad is very poorly right now it will be incredibly quick to be able to access it, I had this situation last year and it was definitely NHS care or have they gone privately?

Also do you think that perhaps they have less money than they’re letting on? I think your mum isn’t perhaps thinking straight at the moment and is probably incredibly stressed.

@Toocold

I don’t understand why they’re paying for care? It should be on the NHS and if your dad is very poorly right now it will be incredibly quick to be able to access it, I had this situation last year and it was definitely NHS care or have they gone privately?

Care is means tested. This couple have a shit load of money and assets. They won't get care for free when they could pay for it.

OP,
I am not clear on whether your Dad is actually in residential care or being nursed at home, could you clarify?

I ask because £500 - £1000, per month for a care home is a surprisingly low amount, it's more like that amount per week.

And no other adult children that I know of have been asked to contribute in this way.

Gosh this is such a sad an pitiful read. Your mum's asked for £50 a month to support your dying dad for crying out loud. And you can afford to! Who cares if its symbolic or if she genuinely feels she needs it? If you cant be around to help physically then yes you should help out in any other way you can.

Those posters saying "tell her to do one" and such sound heartless.

Unless you had a terrible upbringing and have other reasons to begrudge your parents a small amount of money in their dying days then this shouldn't even be a question.

I think if I was close to my family I would do it. To support your mum in her time of need, £50 is more of a token amount in a care situation and your parents may feel that if you and your siblings can’t be there for them in their hour of need, then they and their estate might not be there for you.

I don’t think now is the time of arguments, it doesn’t sound like your dad has long left so I would keep the peace and show support. It may be unusual but does that really matter if it makes your parents or mum feel like someone has her back and probably the worst time in her life.

I also think that I would visit and help to provide care in these circumstances. Your parents will need support.

Your mum is panicking and traumatised. She's seeing the person she loves and her long-term life partner suffering and deteriorating in front of her.

Paying the £50 a month makes no sense, but it might be worth it in the short-term if, even though it is illogical, it makes her feel better and removes some of her stress at the moment.

In your shoes, I'd organise a family video call with your siblings and your mum to discuss the situation - not only the finances but how she is feeling. Listen to her concerns, ask her to explain their financial situation and work out if there is a better way you can help than paying the money. It might be that asking for it is simply a shout-out for help because she's feeling lonely, afraid and unsupported.

Do you know if your mum will have enough in pensions to live on when your dad dies?
If not then she will presumably need to use the savings and so may be worried about ploughing through the savings now.

I guess it's another thing for her that's slipping away- the money. You spend so long building then watching something erode is difficult. I would personally give £50 and not let it divide you.