Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

OP, I have no idea if this is "normal" or not. It's not conventional but lots of things are unconventional.

I agree with those who say that, if you and your siblings can afford it, please do contribute.

Your mum is probably frightened, lonely and anxious and may be displacing those emotions by discussing contributions from her children. No, it may not be logical but emotions aren't always logical.

If £50 a month from you buys your mum some peace of mind, I do hope you can find your way to making that contribution.

£1k amonth is cheap in a home can be that a week here, Friends mum cost £243k with dementia before she died

Wow that's a lot of money Justasking111

In the case of someone who's parents have paid for them to go to University and may have a good job, perhaps they do have enough spare income and a solid enough financial base that they could afford £50 a month.

But in the case of someone who has not had any education paid for by their parents, has not got a job or not great prospects maybe living in a rental and does not have a pension yet then no- I think they should not contribute if they have their own descendants to raise.

I suppose you reap what you sow. If nothing is put in, nothing can be taken out because the child will already be struggling in today's world.

@justasking111

£1k amonth is cheap in a home can be that a week here, Friends mum cost £243k with dementia before she died

Again, OP's DF is not in a care home. He's getting visits from domiciliary carers in his own home.

My mum's care in a nursing home was £6,000-7,000 a month. It burned through two houses and all her savings, and now we're at the point where the council is having to pay the difference between her pension/benefits income, so they moved her to somewhere cheaper.

@SaraClara that's a lot of money too. Tbh £50 a month would go nowhere towards care like that and a lot of grown kids could find themselves in the position of throwing money into a bottomless pit ( if they were even in a position to contribute at all) I think the problem might be that if you do assume some type of liability by beginning to contribute that it would be your liability because you have started it?

If worried about money, home care is always going to be more economic because even a 24 hour care package with a live in carer is considerably cheaper than a place in a care home, thus allowing the money to last longer. If someone is placed in a care home the money will deplete faster and the house will have to be sold to pay for it, but if they are cared for at home the local authority will help them with a care package if they have under a certain amount of money.

Adult kids can help their parents in a lot of ways, but I don't think most parents want to bankrupt their kids by expecting them to pay for care that they are actually entitled to by their local authority.

the idea that a parent can expect compensation from the child for the sacrifices they made....well it's a risky position for a parent to take, the child could easily make a counterclaim that the parent is to blame for psychological traumas due to upbringing or similar.
Appreciate that doesnt apply in this case but if a parent expects payback it may come in the form of revenge.
If my parents wanted me to pay them back then the 'fitting' response would be to leave them in the care of a sexual predator and laugh it off they complained
howdya like them apples mommie dearest

oil0W0lio so sorry to read your experiences but what you say is true. Some parents are lucky they didn't end up in court for their negligence, abuse and cruelty.
For an abusive parent to be insisting on being bankrolled and asking for care and compassion that they didnt ever give to their child must surely be horrendous. No one can pour from an empty cup.

@oil0W0lio

Half a million-pound property, 100 grand in the bank and they've got the begging bowl out😳 Crikey I wish I was poor like that!

Me too. Shocking isn't it! 😳 It's like Help, help I'm down to my last 50k! Sorry, what?! I've never even had 50k or a decent education because they were so "poor" that I had to get a job instead of doing further education.

But they suddenly found a lot of money to educate their other children so guess who is financially equipped to help out (and who might be pointing them in that direction= cue me directing them to their golden child) It sounds harsh, but I am in no way able to help and my siblings are in a very different position because of the advantages they were given. We cannot do equal because we are not equal and have never been treated equal.

In an ideal world we would all do the same because we'd have had the same house deposit and good start, the same education and support. But realistically that doesn't happen for everyone so it's impossible to generalise.

Bit ranty, sorry. The post made me quite cross actually, especially all the people saying of course you should pay £50 a month and that you're horrible if you dont. They need to realise that not everyone can. We haven't all had those advantages. Some haven't had any advantages.
Also OP you should be careful about accepting liability as well. By giving cash you are leaving yourself wide open.
What are you going to do if the amount goes up? Can you afford it a limitless care bill and still keep a roof over your own head?

Do you have a pension and savings of your own?
Are you debt free and a home owner?
All of these things matter for your Own security. It sounds like your Mum has everything she needs financially right now, but losing your Dad is going to hit her hard and she must be struggling a lot- so maybe say no to the money and concentrate on emotional support. As you say, she is a property owner and has pension and savings. Not everyone is so fortunate, or will be as fortunate in our generation.

But I'm pretty sure that only one allowance is payable per disabled person. So not both people in a couple where only one is disabled.

No
We are all individual and just because a partner or spouse maybe claiming it doesn’t mean we can’t claim the same benefit. It’s not means tested or stipulated to one person per household

www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/attendance-allowance/ Here is a link outlining the basic criteria for attendance allowence

OP has stated her mother already claim AA
OPs father may well be able to claim for himself as terminally ill and it’s a much simpler process and the higher rate awarded

When was the last time that you or your siblings visited your parents ?

How often do you or your siblings phone, email, write ?

Can your DM get any time out of the home alone or is she constantly stuck "on duty" ?

I would send her a big bunch of flowers or a flowering plant, instead of the £50 if you are unable to visit

OP you know something isn't ok or you wouldn't be asking.

I would also see what support is available in their community if you aren't nearby. It could be good to suggest respite for your Mum by suggesting she arranges a carer to sit with your Dad while she goes for a walk. As with many parents, we can't fix their problems- but they do need to engage with people who can

Have you contacted Social services yet to do an assessment of needs? If not, that would be the next step TBH. Get a professional assessment of exactly what your parents needs are.

Oh dear OP, what a position to be put in. I agree that it's not fair that elderly people who have saved should need to spend it on care, but equally, why wouldn't they? I'm in a similar situation, although my parents haven't asked us to contribute. My dad is still being looked after at home by my mum but they have a huge amount of savings and fully expect to use them when the time comes.
In all honesty, the only time I'd see the need for children to be financially supporting their parents is if they have no savings and don't own their own home. I hope you find a solution.

On the fence here after just having lost DF and finding when he died all his annuities and pensions stopped.

Mum has gone from having a joint 1200+ a month to live on to just £320 pension for all bills and food.

It’s likely her state pension will be upped to 130 a week In the coming weeks but because of savings she isn’t entitled to pension credit or Any other benefits. That’s ok, but if she had spent all their savings on care she would have been in a difficult situation and massive drop in standard of living now, and after working all their lives.

Your parents house will cover any care she may need but if they spend all their savings on care for dad, she may be living on very little after his death.

I’m going for her being scared and panicked. If they’re paying out a grand a month they are much worse off the than they’re used to and probably a bit overwhelmed over money,

Perhaps have a family conversation about it?

TBF "overwhelmed over money" is a young family with no electric or food or someone who lost their job and has rent to pay- not an elderly person with no husing costs, with thousands in the bank who now must contribute to their own care.
What else would they spend it on, especially now during covid? Assuming that they saved money for "a rainy day", here it is.

@Sunseed

Have your parents sought any advice about their financial position? It may be that your Mum is really quite frightened about her future and that's manifesting itself in anger and her kind of trying to clutch you all around her for security by asking for a financial commitment. In her head she may be seeing her house and all her savings slipping away being spent on your Dad and there being nothing left to support her if she needs care too.

Would they be willing to speak with someone who is a member of the Society of Later Life Advisers perhaps? They are the gold standard of providing financial advice to people in just such a situation as your parents and will be familiar with the highly emotional side of things as well as the practical. If she can see how their financial affairs can be arranged to best advantage and protect her interests this may ease her anxiety and in turn stop the guilt trip on you.

Agree with @Sunseed

I think she's probably frightened about her own future and what will happen when she needs care later if all of her savings have gone. Could you afford the contribution? If you can and it saves her anxiety and offers support I would do it. If it will be a struggle to contribute that's another matter

Being able to afford it is a relative term. I'd say if OP was making the maximum allowed pension contributions and to AVCs then yes she can afford it. But someone late 30s is going to be unlikely to retire with a decent work pension when they reach retirement age, which of course is a lot later than it used to be.

For my DPs, I'd happily spend money on groceries and petrol to visit them , but giving money to someone who is better off than you are ever likely to be in retirement,just feels a bit off and it would be better to address the emotional rather than financial aspect of the ask.

If you can afford it I’d pay it. It is symbolic and I’d imagine your mums worries are manifesting in needing to see you and siblings do something. I think your mum is worried about her long term financial situation and doesn’t want to have to lose everything till she gets help of family.

@rookiemere

Being able to afford it is a relative term. I'd say if OP was making the maximum allowed pension contributions and to AVCs then yes she can afford it. But someone late 30s is going to be unlikely to retire with a decent work pension when they reach retirement age, which of course is a lot later than it used to be.

For my DPs, I'd happily spend money on groceries and petrol to visit them , but giving money to someone who is better off than you are ever likely to be in retirement,just feels a bit off and it would be better to address the emotional rather than financial aspect of the ask.

This^

What kind of parents want their child to be in a worse situation than they are?

Many of us face a dire retirement without owning property or having pensions. Any decent parent needs to stop being so selfish and consider the life they brought into this world. We did not choose to be born, but the way our parents have nurtured us (or not) have shaped our financial ability to provide for ourselves.

@Shaiva

If you can afford it I’d pay it. It is symbolic and I’d imagine your mums worries are manifesting in needing to see you and siblings do something. I think your mum is worried about her long term financial situation and doesn’t want to have to lose everything till she gets help of family.

We will all face this prospect though if you own your own home. The costs will be endless and will increase is OP and her siblings expected to cough up. There’s an element of cheekiness we are in a pandemic is that not enough for a wake up call? If OP looses her job would her mother bail her out?

@SugarfreeBlitz

TBF "overwhelmed over money" is a young family with no electric or food or someone who lost their job and has rent to pay- not an elderly person with no husing costs, with thousands in the bank who now must contribute to their own care. What else would they spend it on, especially now during covid? Assuming that they saved money for "a rainy day", here it is.

Absolutely

Not normal in my experience OP

It is normal for family to be asked/given the option to contribute towards care home fees
For example where someone was self funding and chose a more expensive home than the LA would normally fund.

Once their funds run out, Sometimes the person is then faced with having to move to a cheaper home, or there can be a “3rd party top up” from other family members to make up the difference and enable the person to stay where they are.

I have to ask people sometimes and I feel horrible asking.
No one should feel obliged, and not many can commit to paying a couple of hundred a week top up.

Especially no one should agree unless the LA have come up with a suitable alternative that does cost less. If there isn’t anywhere else then the LA should continue to fund the current high cost home.
(Sorry to derail j know that’s not the situation here)

You would be wise to keep in mind when your dads care needs reach a certain level, or if he is a rapidly deteriorating terminal phase, then the NHS could be liable to fund his care costs.
This is called NHS continuing healthcare. If there’s a community or hospice nurse involved they will know about this.

And the costs are not endless.
Once your dads savings deplete to £24000 (only half of any joint accounts) the local authority may have to pay (depending on income too) unless he has become eligible for nhs funding by then (see above).

Primary property is never taken into account for care at home, only when moving to a cafe home permanently and if there’s no spouse still living there.

Sumwin1 she may well do. I know I would with my kids and I know my mother would for me. I know dh parents would him as they have in the past when his business was in trouble. I suppose it depends on the dynamics of the family.