What the heck can I do?

[LordoftheDance]

I'm struggling with our finances. Just to say, this isn't a begging thread. I'm simply hoping for some solidarity from others who have or are in a similar position and for some advice and tips of things I might not have thought of. Although, I'm pretty sure I've exhausted all options at this point.

Our finances aren't sustainable longterm. Our bills come to £1550 per month; so left from DHs wages we have £380. We spend £120 on fuel & £260 on food. That's it. Money gone. There's two adults, a toddler still in nappies, four teen DSC EOW and two cats.

There's nothing I can do about any of our bills. I've cancelled Netflix and Amazon Prime this morning. Besides those, we don't have any kind of TV package. Just basic wifi and landline. I spent several hours on the phone to companies including broadband and mobiles this morning to try and negotiate on cost. No such luck. I was advised by both that I'm already on the lowest possible packages including discounts, etc.

I'm a cleaner but it's minimum wage for 7 hours a week. My wages go entirely on nursery fees for DS. A logical answer would be to take him out of nursery and use my small wage to contribute towards the living costs. However, I had a breakdown a few months ago and have diagnosed GAD & healthy anxiety. I'm on medication now and awaiting CBT but I'd struggle to cope if DS didn't have his nursery to go to. He also loves it.

I hate my job. It's an inconvenient time of day and I always feel worthless and looked down upon. I've been applying for other jobs, any and all that I can with no luck.

I don't know what else I can do. I've been selling things on FB to try and make some money for christmas presents and extra food shopping but I'm fast running out of things to sell.

We have no money for emergencies, clothes, haircuts, car repairs, home repairs, dentist appointments, etc. Our boilers been playing up intermittently for a year but I can't afford to get anyone out to have a look. I do have some kind of repair and service thing but it's still a £90 charge. I need a new pair of glasses but I can't afford that at the moment either. They've been falling off at work and now the lenses are badly scratched.

Long term the solution is obviously for me to find a new better paying job with longer hours but I can't magic one up from nowhere. We don't qualify for any benefits.

Any advice or just someone to moan to would be great! I even had a nightmare last night, I'm worrying so much. The economy crashed and we were forced out of our home and into temporary accommodation where we had neighbours from hell who harassed us. 😂

PS: Please don't tell me to get rid of my cats.

@LordoftheDance

This thread is going to escalate rapidly towards a zone of your DP is this and that and you must do this and that to protect yourself.

Take some deep breaths. You are 25. The women here are older and wiser and angry on your behalf. So they will send lots of advice and support and it will overwhelm you.

You can't change anything in your life as quickly as we all advise you so please don't try to take onboard everything at once.

Save down this thread and keep learning and reflecting. If it gets too crazy, you can start a new thread in the relationship topic and try to break down the what and if of your relationship.

We all care because you're lovely and 25 and none of us will allow him to take advantage of you.

The house is in both of our names. Everything was done equal.

He's just had a massive go at me, said I made him feel like shit, etc. To leave him alone. That he pays for everything including the fuel for my car, my phone bill, etc. And what else do I want him to do? I need to start contributing, etc. I was out of order to take that money out of the Christmas pot.

He yelled because he feels threatened by your questioning.
Men don't like a change in the status quo.

They don't actually think on their feet as well as women do.

And when he said all that did you remind him that he wouldn’t have a house to live in had it not been for your contribution?

He won't talk to me now, like I've morally offended him and insulted him.

Was he right? I mean, he does work FT. He brings in a decent wage. I bring in £0. If we are struggling financially, he is right, the onus is on me to up my hours, get a new job, etc. And bring in some more money.

@Smallsteps88 Yes, I did. He laughed and said "How Dare I". He didn't ask for anything. Apparently, it wasn't my contribution, I've contributed nothing, it was my family, not me, etc.

He brings in a decent wage. I bring in £0.

No, you bring in £60 a week and pay for your joint child’s nursery out of it. You also provide all other childcare for the DC that enables your DP to work FT, if you weren’t providing that care you would both be paying out to someone else for it. Please don’t ignore your contribution to the finances.

No he's NOT right.

You gave him plenty. AND a child. You cook and look after him entirely whilst he works so you give him and the pot PLENTY.

He gave you a warning to shut up - you just haven't interpreted this way yet because until now, you respected him.

Slowly you will respect him less from here on

Do you have a care home near by? You could do night shifts? Care work can be really hard work but they are always recruiting. Are you registered with NHS? Lots of admin work type of jobs too.

Apparently, it wasn't my contribution, I've contributed nothing,

Well thats bollocks because you qualified for your mortgage based on your joint FT incomes of £3500k. Without your wage at the time of applying and your contributions to the mortgage since then his ass would not be in the house he’s sitting in right now!

I’m so angry for you right now OP. How dare he tell you you’ve contributed nothing!

@OllyBJolly

There isn't a magic answer here. One of you has to earn more and as your DP is already working FT and has 4 DCs to fund, then it comes down to you to increase the family income.

You seem quite set on not cutting your outgoings any more (car/nursery/pets) so working more hours, at a better rate is your only option.

I think this is the only solution too. £400 in CM is a lot. So that’s a big chunk gone straight away.

@Smallsteps88 he doesn't see it like that. I contribute £0 because my wages solely pay for DS to attend nursery which theoretically he doesn't need to attend as I could look after him during the hours. He sees it as me, doing a a laugh a minute hour a day evening cleaning job, so I can have a few mornings a week to put myself to put my feet up without DS around.

@chuffedasbuttons DH mainly cooks actually whilst I'm at work in the evening. He also does his fair share of household related things, emptying and loading the dishwasher daily, changing the bins and litter tray. That kind of stuff.

he doesn't see it like that.

Well that’s ok, because he doesn’t need to see it like that for it to be true. It’s true whether he acknowledges it or not. He isn’t the boss of your family.

He's decided to sleep on the sofa in protest. 😂

Tell him he can only sleep on his own half of it

Well, look. You recognise that you need to bring in more money and you’re trying to. But it’s a hard jobs environment out there at the moment. Once he’s finished having a teenage tantrum he needs to get over himself and sit down with you and have an adult conversation about how you’re going to cope with your joint finances if you can’t find work straight away.

What a knob! I am petty as fuck. I would absolutely pack up some of dc’s stuff and my own and go and stay with your mother for a while. I’d let him stew in it and see how he gets on with budgeting for himself and his kids, while juggling a job, a house and kids. Just like you do every day!😁💕

I would probably be a bit miffed too if I were him. I know you are trying to get more work etc but he seems to be doing all he can too. He is working full time. It must be hard though and i do feel for you.

do you think he would put up with wonky glasses.

sorry to say, i think you will have to exit from this set-up, sooner or later.
the sooner the better for you.

@DENMAN03

I would probably be a bit miffed too if I were him. I know you are trying to get more work etc but he seems to be doing all he can too. He is working full time. It must be hard though and i do feel for you.

He's not doing all he can do though is he?

How much money has been wasted by paying £60 pm for years to store things he never uses?

He insists on driving a big thirsty car, that is only needed a couple of times a month.

OP, could you swap the big car for another small cheap one and if everyone goes somewhere when all his DC are with you, take both cars? Should save a bit on fuel, tax and insurance.

You say your inheritance paid for the deposit on your house, did your solicitor arrange a 'deed of trust' for you to protect the amount you provided? If not, & you end up selling the house in the future, he may well be entitled to half

Sorry, I know that's not money saving, but if things go south, you will need to know what your financial situation will be

Hate to say it, but I think he saw you as a good opportunity, a young girl, with money, with probably more of it to come. He's got a house he now owns half of, had a new kitchen (which you paid for) one of your family members bought you a car, & one of your family members is helping to pay nursery fees till Xmas. I suspect there's other things too you've paid for as well from your inheritance?

After years of paying rent & having debt, he's got used to being on the gravy train & realises it's coming to a stop..

He may not be able to bring any more money in, but he certainly should have the attitude that you're a team to increase the household income & unfortunately he doesn't, because he never saw you as an equal in the first place

@DENMAN03

I would probably be a bit miffed too if I were him. I know you are trying to get more work etc but he seems to be doing all he can too. He is working full time. It must be hard though and i do feel for you.

I agree. OP had another child to him even though her husband had 4 already. OP needs to do more hours. It’s not of a case of cutting back on their spending because I wouldn’t say lots of money is being wasted as such it’s OPs lack of hours and plus the nursery place... so something has to give.

Let's get to the solution: it sounds like your family have ££ and I bet they would throw every penny needed to get you out of this set up. How do they feel about the situation?

Your boyfriend is an absolute prick with more children than he can provide for. Unfortunately, he now stands to profit heavily from your inheritance upon the sale of your property. But as you currently stand 50% of something is better than 100% of nothing. While you're with him and living like this you have nothing.

You are 25!! You have got a whole life ahead of you, choose to spend it with a man who values you.