What the heck can I do?

[LordoftheDance]

I'm struggling with our finances. Just to say, this isn't a begging thread. I'm simply hoping for some solidarity from others who have or are in a similar position and for some advice and tips of things I might not have thought of. Although, I'm pretty sure I've exhausted all options at this point.

Our finances aren't sustainable longterm. Our bills come to £1550 per month; so left from DHs wages we have £380. We spend £120 on fuel & £260 on food. That's it. Money gone. There's two adults, a toddler still in nappies, four teen DSC EOW and two cats.

There's nothing I can do about any of our bills. I've cancelled Netflix and Amazon Prime this morning. Besides those, we don't have any kind of TV package. Just basic wifi and landline. I spent several hours on the phone to companies including broadband and mobiles this morning to try and negotiate on cost. No such luck. I was advised by both that I'm already on the lowest possible packages including discounts, etc.

I'm a cleaner but it's minimum wage for 7 hours a week. My wages go entirely on nursery fees for DS. A logical answer would be to take him out of nursery and use my small wage to contribute towards the living costs. However, I had a breakdown a few months ago and have diagnosed GAD & healthy anxiety. I'm on medication now and awaiting CBT but I'd struggle to cope if DS didn't have his nursery to go to. He also loves it.

I hate my job. It's an inconvenient time of day and I always feel worthless and looked down upon. I've been applying for other jobs, any and all that I can with no luck.

I don't know what else I can do. I've been selling things on FB to try and make some money for christmas presents and extra food shopping but I'm fast running out of things to sell.

We have no money for emergencies, clothes, haircuts, car repairs, home repairs, dentist appointments, etc. Our boilers been playing up intermittently for a year but I can't afford to get anyone out to have a look. I do have some kind of repair and service thing but it's still a £90 charge. I need a new pair of glasses but I can't afford that at the moment either. They've been falling off at work and now the lenses are badly scratched.

Long term the solution is obviously for me to find a new better paying job with longer hours but I can't magic one up from nowhere. We don't qualify for any benefits.

Any advice or just someone to moan to would be great! I even had a nightmare last night, I'm worrying so much. The economy crashed and we were forced out of our home and into temporary accommodation where we had neighbours from hell who harassed us. 😂

PS: Please don't tell me to get rid of my cats.

The only thing you can do right now is to go down to one car.

There isn't a magic answer here. One of you has to earn more and as your DP is already working FT and has 4 DCs to fund, then it comes down to you to increase the family income.

You seem quite set on not cutting your outgoings any more (car/nursery/pets) so working more hours, at a better rate is your only option.

Have you considered some bar or restaurant work seeing as you can work evenings when partner is home? unless OP has a lifetime experience in this already it is not a sector to get into now- too many redundancies and not enough roles

I'd be quite prepared to go down to one car, provided it's my car that we keep. My car is an auto which I really need, it's five years old, has less than 10k on the clock and is efficient on petrol. DHs car is eleven years old, has 200k on the clock and guzzles diesel at an unbelievable rate. Put of our £120 fuel budget, £80-90 goes on DHs car. £30 - £40 on mine. My car seems the more reliable long term of the two to keep. Plus, said helpful family member bought me that car a year ago to help me get back on the road, would be a bit poor form to sell it a year later. It isnt even worth mentioning the car issue to DH because he won't entertain the idea of getting rid of his.

@OllyBJolly 5 DCs to fund.

Could you not discuss with DH him getting rid of his car as a temporary measure or trading them both in for something efficient that you can both drive? May have to be a small 7 seater but the monthly savings could be notable.

Another option is to take his off the road - so SORN and park it on the drive and only reinsure and tax it when things improve?

It's really unfortunate you're in this situation. But to be totally honest having 5 kids on a 32k salary isn't going to be easy. Obviously you can't put your child back! But I don't think either of you should be particularly surprised this is hard financially. By the ages of the children is your dh a good amount older than you? He's brought up 4 children. Did he have no insight into the costs involved? I know your situation had changed with your job loss but it still sounds tough while you were working.

They whys don't really matter but it obviously have an effect on your mental health so I think he needs to compromise a bit on his car.

Have asked DH tonight and he just said it wasn't doable because he wouldn't be able to take the DCs out without his car. He said if I'm so keen on the idea I should sell mine and just drive his. He knows I can't drive his.

The main problem here is your DH. What is HIS suggestion for saving money? How many hours does HE spend fretting about how to make ends meet? It doesn’t sound as though you’re working as a team. Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

I think you need to start thinking of your own finances separately from his. Yes most of the earnings are his but so are many of the expenses by the sound of it. He needs to contribute equally to childcare and other costs of your child. You need to find some other ways of earning for yourself. He needs to identify how he can cut back too.

@Battlestaricedcoffee Yeah, DH is 12 years older. He and his Ex had their first when they were both quite young still and earning very little. I believe they spent a long time receiving help from the government. Slowly DH wages did increase over the years but I believe they had quite a bit debt, funded Christmas on catalogues, etc. They rented too but as I said, they recieved quite a bit of government support. Obviously we were earning jointing £3500 when we decided to have our DS and I think that's the best off financially DH had ever been with our combined wages. Obviously we did think about finances but thought we'd be okay. We spent over a year trying for our DS and he will be my only child.

Is he a good partner in other ways?

OP have you thought abt working in schools ? Hours will fit in around childcare and school holidays. If you have admin experience you could apply for school office jobs. Or schools are always looking for midday supervisors - which could fit in with nursery hours ? These jobs will be advertised on council websites .

Sorry I think I sounded quite harsh! I just see a lot of posts on here where men are not very financially supportive! I'm not sure if that is the deal here.

In all honesty you definitely need to get away from the idea you've failed. You've had a hard time health wise. We all have with the bloody pandemic and you've had to leave a job. So whatever you decide do try to remember this is not forever. You'll get a better job. You will start to progress your career too your only 25!

Ack. Just tried mentioning finances to DH. Explained that I was worried and I feel like the onus is totally on me to sort it out rather than both of us together. And he said he worked full time and I was out of order for saying that. And he cant do anything else.

Oh well, when there is no petrol for his car he might decide he needs to do something.

I hope you have a separate account with some money squirrelled away for yourself should you need it OP. Your DP clearly doesn’t see you as a team.

You'd be better off on your own I suspect OP.

That was actually really out of character for him. He's so kind, caring and supportive. A fantastic parent and a good guy.

After what he said, I transferred some money out of the christmas pot. £100 for new glasses and £99 for our boiler call out charge. Not sure how much the glasses will be but took £100 just in case. That £199 in the Christmas Pot was 99% the money I put in there from selling my possessions. DH asked why I transferred the money out so I explained and asked him genuinely, in his mind what was more important, Christmas Presents or glasses for me and he admitted christmas presents because my glasses aren't currently completely broken (though I doubt itll be long before they are). Quite upset tbh.

It was my inheritance that paid our mortgage deposit. My inheritance that paid for our new kitchen when we moved in. It was my family member who bought and paid for both of our cars. It feels like a kick in the teeth that this financial burden and worry has been placed on me, he can't do anything, he works FT, it's my issue to solve. The monthly mortgage cost I listed was actually incorrect. £60 of that figure is actually rent that goes toward storage for something of DHs. A project of his that he hasn't the time or money to do. So we pay £60 per month for storage rent for DHs item that's been sat there for over a decade gathering dust. I included it on here as part of the mortgage payment because I didn't want you all to slate him.

He won't get rid of the storage. He won't get rid of his car. I asked him a few weeks ago if he was planning on selling any of his possessions like me. He protested that he had nothing to sell. I sold a few of my DS' old toys too. I then suggested selling a couple of his DDs old dolls as they aren't played with anymore and DD is 16 now. Again he protested and agreed only to sell them if we give the money made to DD as the dolls are hers. That annoyed me as I was selling both mine and DS' things to basically fund his DCs Christmas Presents and there was no complaints from him then, no protesting that the money from DS' toys should be given to DS.

Hang on, you’re not married but you forked out the deposit? Is your name on everything in terms of paperwork? I think you need legal advice tbh.

Getting a distinct smell of cocklodger I’m afraid.

It was my inheritance that paid our mortgage deposit.

Has that been recognised in the ownership deeds? Your share should be protected. Please tell me it is. You aren’t married- you are so vulnerable financially here.

@SuzieCarmichael

Getting a distinct smell of cocklodger I’m afraid.

Yup

Woah woah woah...what does he bring to this? How legally watertight is your house ownership? I bloody well hope you bought it in your name and he just lives in it.

You should leave him. Simple as that. What did you think was going to happen having his FIFTH child?! obviously he can’t afford it!