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Original poster

Aibu to want to spend this much on an engagement ring? (Honest advice please)

314 replies

Notsureiftheringistoomuch · 10/02/2020 18:14

Hello, not sure if this is the best place to post this or not... have name changed anywho

Basically, I have an issue. Me and DP have been discussing engagement/marriage and we are pretty much on the same page for all budgeting aspects, both have the same idea of how much we want to spend on wedding/honeymoon etc. We both earn good money, not obscene amounts by any means but combined income of ~£80kish, both on similar salaries. Basically we are in a good position financially but we also dont go around splashing money for no reason on pointless things, eg we go on one relatively cheap holiday once per year, dont have a brand new car etc. Live within our means with a nice quality of life.

I always told DP I dont want a really expensive engagement ring as it's a waste of money. Would tell him when we were discussing, dont spend more than £1,000. We have been looking at rings and I'm dismayed to say I have fallen in love with a £2,000 ring. :-(

Aibu to really want this ring? It is like one of those moments when people say they found "the one" eg when referring to a wedding dress/house/whatever. I feel guilty thinking my DP may spend that much on a ring (as he likes it too) and cant stop thinking that I'm being ridiculous/greedy/etc. I worry a little if he does buy this ring I will spend ages feeling bad about it because of the cost. Also worried DP will now feel like he must buy that ring no matter what as any other ring will just be a disappointment. I do feel if he got another ring I would still be really happy, not as happy as if I got the £2,000 one obviously, but still happy. But I feel like he would constantly be thinking I'm pretending to be happy if he got a cheaper one. Confused

Ultimately if everything goes to shit with our finances I dont care, I just want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him no matter how rich/poor we are. I just feel very bratty for feeling this way over a stupid ring ffs

Does any of this make sense and if so can anyone offer any advice? Sad

OP posts:
ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 22:36

@74NewStreet
Could you quote my reply please and indicate where I said I don't own an engagement ring? Thanks

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 22:41

@ShirleyPhallus Why do you find it “cringe” to wear one?

Imo it looks like a desperate attempt to display your marital status and/or wealth to everyone you meet.

Imo neither of those things are anyone else's business.

I wonder if people ever stop to consider (a) why they want everyone to know that they are engaged/married and (b) why it's only women (99% of the time) who wear an engagement ring.

It seems to me to be very much of a piece with the embarrassing assumptions shown in this thread about how it's "the man's role" to buy the ring, the grasping materialism of calculating its value against his salary, and the presumption that the woman is essentially being bought and that her value is proportionate to how much the man is prepared to fork out.

I am surprised that on a site like MN , where there are usually a fair proportion of independent, feminist women who reject this kind of set-up, that I'm the only one on this thread. I suspect that most women who think the way I do didn't bother clicking on a thread that's obviously intended to attract a load of hunz to squee about how gawj the ring is & how she's totes worth it.

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 22:42

Oh, ffs! Still, I’m sure your incoherent ramblings haven’t put op off buying (and wearing!) her ring, so no great harm done

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 22:46

@74NewStreet Hi, still waiting for you to quote any of my posts where I said I don't own an engagement ring, as apparently it would invalidate my opinion if I didn't. Thanks.

I’m sure your incoherent ramblings haven’t put op off buying (and wearing!) her ring, so no great harm done

I don't think she has ever had any intention of buying her ring, has she?

rockingrobin1 · 11/02/2020 22:51

I don't think 2k is that much but then mine is insured for 8k 🤷‍♀️

MrsSilverVWGolf · 11/02/2020 22:54

scarlettBlaize

It seems to me to be very much of a piece with the embarrassing assumptions shown in this thread about how it's "the man's role" to buy the ring, the grasping materialism of calculating its value against his salary, and the presumption that the woman is essentially being bought and that her value is proportionate to how much the man is prepared to fork out

Totally agree with you.

earsup · 11/02/2020 22:58

Some dim people saying its an investment and will go up in value...ha ha...with a mark up of around 800% on this type of jewellery...if you spend 2k you will be lucky to get £200 if you ever sell it....[An ex Hatton Garden employee in the trade..!!]

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:00

Elbeagle asked “If they make you cringe why did your partner buy you one ScarlettBlaize? He must have known you disliked them?“
And you replied: “Do you know something I don’t?”

rockingrobin1 · 11/02/2020 23:00

Engagement rings get lost stolen and not worn for most of the working day. What is the point

I've never taken my off on 10 years & it's insured if anything happens to it.

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:02

@74NewStreet Elbeagle asked “If they make you cringe why did your partner buy you one ScarlettBlaize? He must have known you disliked them?“ And you replied: “Do you know something I don’t?”

Yes - that was the post. I asked you (three times now) to quote the part where I said I don't own an engagement ring. Could you do that please? Thanks.

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:04

I took it to mean he did know and therefore hadn’t bought you one

Immaback · 11/02/2020 23:04

Buy it for sure!

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:05

What exactly did it mean? I’m agog now!

rockingrobin1 · 11/02/2020 23:05

OP I wouldn't buy from EJ though

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:07

@74NewStreet I took it to mean he did know and therefore hadn’t bought you one

He didn't buy me one (at my request). I do have one though.

mimiasovitch · 11/02/2020 23:07

I think it's better to splash out on the ring you'll wear and look at everyday, rather than the wedding dress that'll get one wear only.

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:08

Oh sweet Jesus... I give up (you are as boring as fuck, tbh)

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:09

It’s like debating with a three year old.

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:11

@74NewStreet I posted a detailed argument upthread that you have completely ignored.

Very impressed that the three-year-olds you know have a working understanding of feminism, misogyny, materialism and gender politics. What a clever mummy you must be.

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:12

I did read it. And yet, you do have a ring...

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:12

@74NewStreet Btw, it's slightly frightening that you genuinely can't get your head around the possibility that a woman might own something that wasn't bought for her by a man.

I bet you couldn't wait to change your name on Facebook, could you?

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:13

@74NewStreet I did read it. And yet, you do have a ring...

Yes, I do. And no, it wasn't bought for me by a man.

74NewStreet · 11/02/2020 23:13

Did you buy it yourself? I didn’t change my name, btw, not that it’s particularly relevant.

rockingrobin1 · 11/02/2020 23:17

@ScarlettBlaize why do you have an engagement ring if you find them cringe??

ScarlettBlaize · 11/02/2020 23:18

@74NewStreet No, I inherited it.

If you didn't change your name, presumably for ideological reasons, then I'm really surprised that you are so baffled by the idea that this entire thread (and the whole discourse around engagement rings in our society) is founded on incredibly sexist and materialistic assumptions. It seems really obvious to me.