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Original poster

Going to lose all my benefits when DP moves in

200 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2019 21:07

DP and I have talked about him moving in next summer. But I've had a look on the entitled to website and I'll basically lose all my benefits if he moves in. At the moment I'm working part time on near minimum wage so my income is pitiful. At the moment about 1/3 of my total income comes from my salary, the rest is benefits and maintenance from my ex. He earns about 4x my salary. How on earth are we going to make this workable? I don't feel he should have to subsidise me, but I'm going to lose a lot of money.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 03/07/2019 15:10

He won't be moving in for a year because his DC is going into year 6 in September so it doesn't seem fair to move them now. But next summer they'll l be leaving that school anyway so it makes sense to wait until then.

Apologies if I seem a bit defensive, but phrases like 'benefit scrounged', 'taking the piss out of the benefits system' etc have riled me a bit.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 03/07/2019 15:37

Not surprised really. But if he contributes to the household and you can work longer then it shouldn’t be a massive difference.

Ella1980 · 03/07/2019 22:54

@SnuggyBuggy If only life were that simple! If it was we'd all be millionaires!!!

Isleepinahedgefund · 03/07/2019 23:00

The state isn't there to maintain your "financial independence".

When he moves in you become a household and your income is treated accordingly for benefits purposes.

You need to have a conversation about finances before he moves in - or don't, and post either an "I've committed benefited fraud and they found out -help" or "my DP resents paying for everything but I gave up benefits for him AIBU" thread in a few months' time.

Starlight456 · 03/07/2019 23:15

I think the point bid op is thinking about this a year in advance. Isn’t this sensible

bluecharcoal · 03/07/2019 23:51

Ella1980 No, definitely not a good idea to marry quickly purely for financial security. It only makes sense if the relationship is meaningful in the first place, and it's always a good idea to take things slowly when dc are involved. I married DH after five years of a committed relationship, OP is already thinking one year ahead and could already have been with her DP for many years before that, as she says she's been separated from her ex for 4 years. So I don't think anyone is rushing into marriage here just for financial security at all.

starzig · 04/07/2019 00:08

Loving the irony. Financial independence off other people's money. Don't want DP to subsidise but happy with complete strangers to do so.

Bluerussian · 04/07/2019 04:03

Next summer is a year away so you have time to really think about the situation and work it out. It's refreshing to hear of someone who isn't rushing into things :-).

You're independent right now, there's a lot to be said for that. You can have a committed relationship with someone who doesn't live with you, I'd certainly think twice about having him move in. What would be the advantages?

OralBElectricToothbrush · 04/07/2019 05:17

NEVER a good idea to pin your financial status on an unmarried partner unless you are independently wealthy.

historysock · 04/07/2019 05:34

I lost all my working tax credits when dp moved in. But he pays half my mortgage (in 'rent' and half the bills so I'm actually slightly better off and so is he because that's still cheaper than him renting independently. It's not him subsidising me not would it be your partner subsiding you-it's him paying his way fairly.

You won't be losing your financial independence. If all bills and mortgage/rent come out your account and he just pays his half into it.

If it goes tits up between you and he moves out you reclaim your tax credits or whatever from that time and you are back to the same position.
Not sure what the issue is?

historysock · 04/07/2019 05:37

Your ex would still have to pay court ordered child maintenance regardless of who lives there. Any spousal maintenance would possibly be affected by your dp moving in.

Monty27 · 04/07/2019 05:48

If you're hell bent on being independent then he can't move in. Your fear that he'll abuse you financially needs deep consideration. You don't seem to trust him or your own judgement.
Maybe it's not a great idea.

malteserbunnies · 04/07/2019 06:09

Sorry op you posted at a time when you got a lot of people hell bent on benefit bashing. I've seen many a thread where women are told not to give up their benefits and be reliant on a partner.

I personally wouldn't move in with him and give up my own money. He would need to make up the shortfall. Living with him should make life financially easier for both of you, not harder. If it makes it harder then don't do it.

malteserbunnies · 04/07/2019 06:11

Op works you idiots. Like many many parents, her sole income can't cover everything and she doesn't have magic money and a magic job to give her more money. Stop acting like she's the only person to need benefits with kids and grow a brain.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 04/07/2019 06:16

Starzig do one, seriously. I'm sick of being looked at as a second class citizen because I'm on benefits.

I get the princely sum of £1 per annum spousal maintenance (which I'm not sure I've ever actually received) so I'm not too worried about that, I was more concerned my ex would use this as an excuse not to pay the child maintenance but I've been told he can't.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 04/07/2019 06:28

But you're not 'independent' as it's not all your own money. You could work more hours - I had to when mine were tiny as DH was in his first year of teaching so on 18k a year. It's frustrating when people refuse to work more in case they lose benefits. Sounds like your new DP can easily take the financial burden.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/07/2019 06:37

Hi OP, looks like you’re getting a bit of a battering here...

Yanbu to expect him to contribute to the bills and rent etc for him and his dc. He’d have to pay this if he was on his own anyway. Him moving in should enhance your life (that includes financially), not make it harder. I’d recommend you sit down with a pen, paper and calculator and work out the sums with him, if he’s a good man he’ll have no problem with this and it’ll be an easy discussion. You’ll soon see the measure of him if you feel uncomfortable or you’re at a loss when discussing it with him. Do this before he moves in tho.

Plus I’d recommend you speak to a solicitor re your shared ownership and any possible repercussions on this if he moves in and you split up. If you do intend to marry him, I’d also mention this and talk to him about being able to ring fence this for your dc.

edgeofheaven · 04/07/2019 06:40

My humble suggestion is that you look into counselling to deal with your fears about financial abuse and tools for A) how to identify it and B) how to discuss it with your DP in a healthy way.

If you're not prepared to be open and honest with him about finances than you're not ready to move in together. And if the reason you can't be open with him is for emotional fears on your part, then you need to address those first.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 04/07/2019 06:44

I never said I refused to work more hours, I said that childcare costs £2 an hour MORE than I earn. Even if I worked full time I'd still only be on about half of DP's salary. Realistically I'm not suddenly going to find a job that pays double what I'm on now-it's just not going to happen. I actually have a meeting with my manager today about upping my hours.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 04/07/2019 06:54

I think you will find you need to increase your hours, particularly as your dc get older, if you were on your own, you would at some point need to increase your hours, you would lose benefits.

it is a conversation to be had with your partner op, not with mn

Ellapaella · 04/07/2019 07:40

With all the doubts you have the only thing you can do is sit down with your partner and tell him what you are worried about. Just explain that if he moves in he will have the cover the costs of everything that you will be losing out on financially. If he loves you and wants to move in with you why would he have a problem with that? He'll surely be expecting it? He earns significantly more than you, of course he has to contribute. Are you worried he is going to argue about money with you? Have there been warning signs already?

Riceandthings · 04/07/2019 07:42

I work during school hours. I earn around £10 an hour. Childcare is £12 an hour around here...you do the maths

You would get 70% of your childcare paid by tax credits on top of your benefits.

So if your childcare was £500 a month you pay £150 towards, and can work more hours & earn more.

Ella1980 · 04/07/2019 07:44

I do underating your position. The only extra income I was getting as a lone parent (except Child Benefit for one of my boys) was £115 p/w CTC which (quite rightly) went when my DP moved in. It can be a daunting time!

Ella1980 · 04/07/2019 07:45

*understand not underating!

Wittsendargh · 04/07/2019 07:49

I haven't ready the whole thread, but this is where I believe the system is flawed. I work 30 hours but due to wrap around care my childcare bill is £360 a month. I was receiving 70% of this through child/working tax credit. After 7 years, my partner finally moved in with me as we felt it was right, but that meant that my TCs stopped. Although he pays half of the household bills, I don't believe he should have to pay the contribution to MY children's childcare. They're not his. I don't get any financial support from their father. Likewise for uniform, trips etc I pay everything. I get that overall my household income has gone up, but I'm with OP, it meant now that I would have to rely on my partner for childcare contributions, something I've never had to do previously or ever wanted to, as they're not his kids to provide for.

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