Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Going to lose all my benefits when DP moves in

200 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2019 21:07

DP and I have talked about him moving in next summer. But I've had a look on the entitled to website and I'll basically lose all my benefits if he moves in. At the moment I'm working part time on near minimum wage so my income is pitiful. At the moment about 1/3 of my total income comes from my salary, the rest is benefits and maintenance from my ex. He earns about 4x my salary. How on earth are we going to make this workable? I don't feel he should have to subsidise me, but I'm going to lose a lot of money.

OP posts:
QuickQuestion2019 · 02/07/2019 21:44

As he will be able to help with childcare can you pick up a second job?

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2019 21:46

Ok compared to you @Ella1980 jointly we're going to be significantly better off, but my ex husband always made it very clear there was 'our' money and 'his' money. So the idea of just 'our' money is quite alien to me.

I wish I could explain this better. I just feel uncomfortable giving up 'my' income however it's earned. And I do worry if half our combined expenses is more than his lone ones he'll feel like he's subsidising us.

I've been called a gold-digger more than once by my ex's family and I guess I'm quite sensitive about this. DP also earns considerably more than my ex-is there any way he can use this to wriggle out of paying court ordered maintenance?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 02/07/2019 21:47

"I was wondering whether it was fair to expect him to pay over half because of how his salary is compared to mine. Or whether half and half is a fair way to split things?"

When DH and I first moved in together, before we were married, we split our rent and bills proportionate to income. It works something like this:

Partner 1 earns £1000/month
Partner 2 earns £2000/month
Total household income £3000/month

Total bills (rent, Council Tax, utilities etc) £1200/month
Partner 1 pays £400/month (1/3 of total)
Partner 2 pays £800/month (2/3 of total)

In your situation, if he earns 4x your salary, you would pay 20% of the total and he would pay 80%. However, you might also want to include your child maintenance in your income. In that case the spilt might be closer to 35/65 or however it works out.

If he starts complaining about having to pay for you and your children, at least you'll know now - better to find out before he moves in and all your benefits stop.

VeThings · 02/07/2019 21:48

This is al academic without knowing the actual numbers.

You need to work out:

  1. Amount he should contribute to make up for your loss in benefits
  2. Amount he should contribute for the increase in bills (food, electricity, water if metered, half of council tax, etc)

This is the amount it is costing you to have him move in. If he’s not prepared to contribute this amount as a minimum, then I’d suggest he’s not going to be a good partner.

Don’t get distracted by being seen as ‘taking advantage’. You’re simply working out how much it’s going to cost you to be in a partnership with him.

Personally, I’d be expecting him to cover the cost of him moving in (as calculated above) and wanting to contribute more to make family life more comfortable if he’s earning 4x the amount you do.

AnotherEmma · 02/07/2019 21:49

"DP also earns considerably more than my ex-is there any way he can use this to wriggle out of paying court ordered maintenance?"

No. Your ex's child maintenance is calculated according to his income. It will not be affected by your partner's income.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/07/2019 21:49

I think an open discussion with him is fair, it’s up to him to say if he wants to move in knowing he is to be the main breadwinner for the household.
This isn’t like when two single people move in and each is responsible for their half, if he moves in he is taking on a family. He accepts that or he doesn’t.

BertieBotts · 02/07/2019 21:49

Think very carefully about whether it's the right time for him to move in.

As you have children this will not be a casual arrangement. You unfortunately don't get that luxury any more - him moving in essentially cements you as a couple who ar head of a household involving children. You are jointly responsible for all household bills and the costs of the children. The benefits office sees it this way which is why you (as a single person) will no longer be entitled to benefits because you (as a couple) will earn too much to be deemed in need of them.

Essentially, if it's too soon for you to consider marriage with him I would also not consider moving in together yet. You don't get a trial run of this unfortunately as children are involved meaning if they got used to him being around and then you split up, it's very unsettling to them as that's a major person in their lives they have built a relationship with. Obviously spend time at each other's homes and potentially go away together, things like that but you want to be trying to scope out how living together would work without actually living together as much as poss.

Talk about how finances would work as well, if you can't be open about this stuff I would also say that's a sign to hold back for a while. It really does pay to have this kind of groundwork in place long term. Good luck!

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/07/2019 21:51

Why do you need to move a new man into your children's home?

Ella1980 · 02/07/2019 21:53

If you're moving in together you are expected to pool resources-if you don't feel comfortable with that then my advice is don't move him in until you are. My abusive ex earns over £105k so I get the "his money" and like I said, no maintenance payable. But a healthy relationship shouldn't be like that.

I very unexpectedly found myself out if work for six months the end of last year. If it hadn't been for the financial support of my fiance we wouldnt have been able to pay the rent etc. We managed on just his income of £1500 pm until I found a new job.

BummyKnocker · 02/07/2019 21:53

Just don't have him move in, many a beautiful love story scuppered by domestic drudgery. Stay independent.

RubberTreePlant · 02/07/2019 21:54

Delay until you're able to work more hours.

AnotherEmma · 02/07/2019 21:55

I agree with Bertie.

I was going to say that the proportional split worked for DH and I when we first got together because we didn't have children and it seemed the fairest way to do it. But if you already have children it's different, you don't just move in together and see how it goes - keeping finances separate. Moving in with someone when you already have children means becoming a family and all the financial (and other) responsibility involved.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2019 21:57

Thanks everyone. We will have a discussion about it, I just wanted to make sure that what I was thinking was reasonable before starting 'negotiations!'

As to why I need to move a man into my children's home why shouldn't I? We love each other, our children get on fantastically, even my children have asked when I'm getting married again. I've been separated from their dad for 4 years now, the DCs are happy, settled and secure. I know it's a huge step and really isn't one I take lightly. But honestly, is no one allowed to move on with their life?

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/07/2019 21:59

You need to have a long and frank conversation with your DP about your finances and how it's going to work when he moves in.

If he earns 4 times more than you, clearly he is going to have to pay more - especially if by him moving in you are losing your income.

But it makes no sense for the benefits system to continue to pay for your household once the pair of you are living there together, with enough income not to need the benefits.

Being financially abused by a previous partner is obviously making you cautious, which is entirely understandable - but this is why you need to talk things through and agree how it's all going to work before your new partner moves in.

Fairenuff · 02/07/2019 21:59

If he is an actual partner and not just someone you're dating then you work together as a team to pay the bills. Talk to him about how you are going to do this when your income is X and his income is Y and your joint outgoings are Z.

If you are determined to keep your financial independence then he can't move in.

Your choice.

Ella1980 · 02/07/2019 22:02

Did you say he has children? So he'll be paying maintenance for them from his salary?

pallisers · 02/07/2019 22:03

I agree with everything Bertie Botts has said. This isn't a casual moving in. Your financial situation will significantly change and your children's living situation will change. Honestly, I don't think I'd give up any income I had myself to be dependent on a man who wasn't married to me. Ask yourself who is more vulnerable here? I wouldn't have him move in in these circumstances.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2019 22:04

No his daughter lives with him so she'll be moving in too.

Just to reiterate, I completely don't expect the state to provide benefits when the household doesn't need them, I'm just wary of being reliant on someone else. My ex was a nasty, abusive POS and it's taking time for me to learn to trust again.

The move isn't going to happen until next summer at the earliest so there's plenty of time to hammer out the details.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 02/07/2019 22:07

Can I just suggest you sit down tell him what you said in your first post .

As you were financially abused before never let anyone move on you can’t feel you can discuss money with .

See what he says

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 02/07/2019 22:13

I understand why you don't want to feel reliant on a man again after your abusive ex, but by moving him in, you will be reliant on him as you need his income to top up what you lose in benefits.
In your situation, i would expect a complete pooling of resources where all the money becomes joint.
He may end up paying 'more' but that's the price of a partnership.
The other thing to factor in, is if you are only working school hours, you are saving him childcare costs by looking after his dc while he at work ft. Also, you will do more of the domestic chores, as you will be home more to do them.

VeThings · 02/07/2019 22:13

His DC moving in too? IMO that changes things again. How old is she and will you be looking after her before / after school? If she’s younger than your DC, will you be delaying going back to FT work even longer?

How are you going to treat activities and gifts for DC? Will he give her more expensive gifts as he earns more, let her do more clubs and activities as he has more disposable income?

I truly believe that DC living in a household together should be treated equally. Otherwise it’s not fair in DC who won’t understand why they get fewer opportunities or gifts.

If he’s not prepared to pay his fair share and make sure you and your DC are actually better off by him moving in, I’d be very very wary about combining households.

Ella1980 · 02/07/2019 22:14

The reality is, we can't really every know the fimancial future.

When I met my now fiance I was the main earner-I was on £24ish k net and he on about £17k. But then I was made redundant and then became ill-out of work for 6 months. Now back in work but on a much lower salary and now fiance is main earner (still on £17k).

You can't really say "Don't move him in until you can be financially independent in your own right" as this can change in the blink of an eye.

I guess a healthy financial relationship is all about teamwork and giving what you can, but understanding that things can change.

What if your DH lost his salary for any reason? How would things work then? Would you get by with increased benefits if that was the case? Would you be happy with this?

All questions worth considering...

Ella1980 · 02/07/2019 22:16

I can't really comment on the mixing kids issue as fiance doesn't have his own.

stucknoue · 02/07/2019 22:16

Firstly child maintenance is not related to the income of your partner, it is to cover the costs of raising the children, secondly, the long term goal has to be to get off benefits surely? School hours are good as a starting point but many mums work full time, or you can jointly decide to pool money and you work fewer hours.

I'm very much in favour of the welfare state but it's meant to be a temporary safety net in most circumstances (plus to support the elderly and those unable to work due to disability), use your new circumstances to find a better job perhaps?

Ella1980 · 02/07/2019 22:18

Will you need another job or can you manage if DP is earning 4x more than you? Doesn't sound bad to me...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.