Going to lose all my benefits when DP moves in

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

DP and I have talked about him moving in next summer. But I've had a look on the entitled to website and I'll basically lose all my benefits if he moves in. At the moment I'm working part time on near minimum wage so my income is pitiful. At the moment about 1/3 of my total income comes from my salary, the rest is benefits and maintenance from my ex. He earns about 4x my salary. How on earth are we going to make this workable? I don't feel he should have to subsidise me, but I'm going to lose a lot of money.

If you are determined to keep your financial independence then he can't move in.

^this. To a degree, however, given most of the money coming into your house is from benefits..I wouldn’t call that ‘financially independent’

Don’t get me wrong. I have NO ISSUE with people claiming what they NEED at all, but the way I see it, you’re just moving being reliant on the state to being reliant on him AND the state will be there to support you again if things don’t work out, so you don’t have anything to lose really.

On the meantime work on a plan for true independence.

Given yourevtalking about next summer, you’ve got plenty of time to discuss this properly I hope he steps up and everything goes well for you all

And you'll still be receiving maintenance.

His DC is a year older than my eldest. As far as I'm concerned all three DCs will be treated equally and have the same opportunities. Any deviation from this will be given short sharp shrift. But again we've got plenty of time to discuss this.

FFS, I don't know how many more times I can explain I'm not annoyed about losing my benefits I'm just wary of being financially dependent on someone else.

And it's very easy to say 'get a better job' not so easy in practice.

My partner earns a good bit more than me, and we split costs according to our salaries. This year I dropped from working full time to working four days a week, and his share increased to compensate for me earning less. Previously we had a period where he was made redundant, and I paid 100% of costs. We’re a team, so we work it out together. We split social costs roughly the same, although we don’t track it in the same way - so he might pay for a fancy dinner on a Saturday night, I pay for a Thursday evening Nando’s. We also have separate money for our own interests, I like buying clothes, makeup, perfume, whereas DP rarely buys new clothes but spends a bomb on sports stuff.

Don't worry about the job thing-I don't think you'll need to get another one if DP earning a good wage).

How do you expect to provide for your children on such a low income without relying financially on this new man? Benefits go by household income.

How long have you been in this relationship?

Who minds his child while he works? Can your children access the same care to allow you to work?

I have a term time job, I’m a TA. I rely on benefits (after 21 years of paying into the system in a well paid public sector job). I also a lone parent with parents who don’t live locally (and are disabled).

My choice over whether to get a better job I limited (as I suspect OP’s is), I could retrain but how would that be paid? I could get a job that is more hours, but I can’t afford the childcare. I could win the lotto

Also I do a really valuable job, it isn’t paid well but it is valuable. I work with children with additional needs on an individual basis. If we weren’t there who would be?

I will probably retrain at some point and work in the same field at hopefully a higher pay grade but I can’t now and pay out x amount in child care. I’m stuck.

If it were me I would struggle to trust someone enough to put my financial future in their hands. That’s probably why I’m single! If he earns x4 more then he should pay 75% and you pay 25%. That’s equitable.

Old fashioned but perhaps he could propose?

Ignore TeachesofPeaches OP, she is one of the special breed on MN with the clear belief that no one with children from a previous relationship should ever dream of having another relationship- and certainly never move in together until the children are at least 35 yrs old and given you their blessing...

@Zofloramummy you mean 80/20!

@PeonyPink0 Why do they have to marry?

Yep I do mean that!! I’m tired, I’ve just had a battle of mummy I need a wee, drink, story, it’s still light outside, etc etc

But honestly, is no one allowed to move on with their life?

Yes of course, but that means losing your benefits. You can't do both, rightly so.

Just work out total household income if he moves in, minus total household expenses. Whatever's left over split equally between you.

Make sure house remains in your name...

Actually my main concern is about losing my financial independence, if he's contributing I'm going to be reliant on him and that makes me nervous.

How is being dependent on the state 'independence'? Or are you saying that the taxpayer is more reliable than your partner? If so, you shouldn't be moving in together.

@Zofloramummy Shout out to a fellow SEN TA! I'm a qualified teacher but for many, many reasons I've chosen to be in this kind of work for the time being. I'm 1:1 with a high needs child previously at risk of permanent exclusion.

A lot of people have no idea how much work a TA does for such little pay. And I know as a teacher of 15 years' experience just how incredibly important their role is! There is too much of this hierarchy in employment IMO-as if the more you earn or the higher up in the rankings you are then the "better" a person you are. As a TA I am no less valuable in the workplace than if I was there as a qualified teacher! It drives me mad when people ask me "Why don't I want a better job?" I am already doing an incredibly important one thank you!

Smallereveryday you say it like it's a bag thing

I'm sure @TeachesOfPeaches doesn't really think that?

Might have already been mentioned but if your partner is already staying over with you on a regular basis, you have to declare it.
I think it's literally as little as a couple of nights a week.

If he moves in, why wouldn't he go halves on all the bills? Maybe you could pay a bit extra towards food bills if you want to be super picky.

Ella1980 I completely agree, I’m a qualified occupational therapist. I work in secondary mainly with one child with significant needs. But I also run study/skills sessions several times a week with several students with a mix of EAL, dyslexia, autism, and behavioural issues. I also work in main stream lower set with the angry and disaffected and

I absolutely love my job. I put a lot of hard work in and I get a lot of satisfaction from it. I’m also able to be a more available mum, I’m able to bake cakes and make slime etc rather than picking dd up at 6pm after a 10 hr day. For me right now this is ideal. I wouldn’t jeopardise the fine balance I have to move a partner in. However I am not the OP and her partner could be amazing and realise the reality of a relationship with a single parent. That usually means an appropriate financial contribution the family unit.

Random and
I am a qualified occupational therapist and I am choosing to work as a TA is how it should read. I need to sleep as I have lost the power of rational speech....

You lose benefits because the Government expects him to be significantly contributing financially. If he is not prepared to do that, don't live together.

As his DC is also moving in it makes it a bit easier, I would split the costs roughly proportionally, currently ratio: 4:1 or 4:2 as you count maintenance your ex pays as part of your income. Basically after all bills are paid you should have roughly the same left over.

Will you be looking after his DC? If you are, don't wrk like you work less than him, as you'll do more childcare. Does he own a property he'll be renting out?

It can be really awkward talking about money I know from experience. I suppose it's best just to be practical and level-headed and with a goal of fairness for everyone.

I think you need to wait until you are at a point where you are comfortable to combine your households and finances. It's not unreasonable to worry about being financially dependent on this person but it does mean that you aren't ready to contemplate living together.

Why is everyone jumping on OP for being reliant on the state? She works as a TA. The wages are shit, and it’s an important job. Perhaps focus your energies on why wages are so fucking low rather than benefit bashing OP.