Going to lose all my benefits when DP moves in

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

DP and I have talked about him moving in next summer. But I've had a look on the entitled to website and I'll basically lose all my benefits if he moves in. At the moment I'm working part time on near minimum wage so my income is pitiful. At the moment about 1/3 of my total income comes from my salary, the rest is benefits and maintenance from my ex. He earns about 4x my salary. How on earth are we going to make this workable? I don't feel he should have to subsidise me, but I'm going to lose a lot of money.

Well said

Because on MN Arbeit mach frei and anyone can "just get a better job" and then "just pay for childcare"

I agree! I'm a SEN TA working M-F 8.30-4 pm and I was told on MN before to "get a better job" and/or "get two or more jobs". They couldn't quite work out how I was going to afford the childcare though!!

I'm not a TA, that was another poster. I'm a GP secretary so still valuable in my own way but not well paid unfortunately.

I don't think people were jumping on the OP for being reliant on the state. They were just pointing out that... She is, and financial independence really isn't an option for her at the moment, so the choices are financial dependence on the state or financial dependence on her partner. Both choices have benefits and risks.

How is your DP’s daughter currently cared for before and after school? How would that change when she lives with you?

@Ella1980 it would be interesting to see what would happen to wider society if everyone refused to do jobs that don't pay enough to live on in favour of focusing on finding decently paid work

@MyGastIsFlabbered i understand your problem - you can pay half but would have no disposable income whereas (if bills are split) he would have plenty. Would it be possible for him to provide childcare so you could do additional hours at an evening/weekend?

Otherwise, explain to him the position that you are in and split bills proportionately

Well that's just how it works. If you want to move in together, he's expected to subsidise you. That's part of a partnership. If you're not okay with that, don't move in together.

Ok so financial independence wasn't the right word, but at the moment the money that comes into my bank account is mine and I'm not accountable to anyone. I guess I just feel a bit uneasy about needing someone else to pay the bills, given my past experiences with my ex. I've absolutely no reason not to trust DP and yet I can't help but worry a little bit. Yes relying on state benefits isn't without risk but they can't change on a whim.

I understand why you are concerned about losing your financial independence. Personally I would want the protection of marriage before losing it, especially for your kids.

I find it interesting that most posters think that OP's partner should be paying half the outgoings whereas on a recent thread where that (different) OP's partner was the lower earner with children, the OP there was told she had no obligation to contribute towards the cost of the children.

Anyway, FWIW, I do believe that when a couple decide to live together, they also accept that financial contributions may not always be equal but they will be fair. And to me, that means that whoever earns most does contribute more. When my step-dad moved in with us, there was never any doubt in his mind that my sibling and I were part of the deal and he always treated us as though we were his children, with all the responsibilities that brings. My sibling and I were never made to feel in anyway a burden to him and wow betide anyone, who ever pointed out that we, or later on our children were not his blood relatives. He always put them straight by telling them that we were his family whatever our DNA said.

OP, I do understand that you don't want to feel beholden to your partner. But if he's even half the man my step-dad was, he will not think twice about it.

To be honest it's me who is more reticent about marriage. My living arrangements are quite complicated. I live in a shared ownership property but the owner portion is held in a lifetime (?) trust for my boys. I had to fight for nearly 4 years in court to get my ex to cough up for this and there's no way in hell I'll ever jeopardise this for anyone. My concern is that if we married and bought more equity in the property, if we then split up he could demand I buy him out and if I can't I'd have to sell up. I can't risk that.

“Don't worry about the job thing-I don't think you'll need to get another one if DP earning a good wage)”

This is the foundations of women’s reliance on male earnings.

OP: I fully get your unease about financial dependence on a partner.

However, him moving in also presents an opportunity, as you will no longer be a single parent household.

You need to be clear not just about financial contribution but about how he sees division of labour within the household. Does he see childcare as a shared responsibility, can he do his share of school pick ups / holiday cover / sick cover ?

It is beneficial to your independence to look for promotion / higher paid work / more hours because you are building your pension, your prospects for when the kids are older etc.

If the agreement is that you live ‘all in’ as a family and you, for example, pick up all the childcare then you are earning the right to half the income he is enabled to make by your domestic contribution.

Everything @AnotherEmma has said!!!!

Sorry OP, rough night with post jabs 3 year old

People don’t seem to realise how much someone would have to earn to NOT be claiming tax credits. And as a single parent it’s pretty much impossible.

My ExH was financially abusive too OP. I doubt I’ll ever live with a man again.

Tell your DP how much you’ll lose and what he proposes for finances going forward.

Another one here who would want marriage before tying myself to this man and losing my financial independence.

Living together used to be a kind of "trial marriage" thing, to see if you were compatible. Now it seems to be a financial thing, for both parties to have more disposable income. Not sure that's a good thing to be honest.

I lost all of my means tested benefits when I moved in with DH. I insisted on getting married before we moved in together, as I felt I needed the financial security. I do still get some other benefits like carers allowance and pip, but it's a tiny fraction of what DH earns.

I explained to DH how much I'd be losing (a large amount in tax credits as I was getting a disability premium for my dc) and we agreed to pool our finances, so now we view all income as household income and I have full access to everything. I don't see it as him subsidising me, but simply sharing finances as a family . DC's father isn't involved in their lives, so DH takes full responsibility for them as a stepdad (including domestic tasks and childcare), and doesn't separate their costs in any way, it's all just family expenses. I think it would be hard to make it work any other way, especially as we have another dc now, so we wouldn't want to treat the children differently. It wouldn't make sense for us to break down expenses in terms of percentages to contribute, as I'd still end up paying just a small amount compared to DH, and it would end up just being a token payment. It's all just much easier to combine everything and work as a single family unit.

Marriage is a real financial and legal commitment so things like your shared owner property arrangements will be affected. It is up to you whether the benefits and security of marriage outweigh the risk in what you might lose. For me, it was definitely worth it as I didn't want to live in DH's (owned) house without it being seen as a marital home and all the security that comes with that.

You've got young children OP so can't have had this boyfriend for long. I would act with extreme caution and really consider what the benefits are of having this man and his child moving into your family home and then becoming financially reliant on him.

I lost everything when dp moved in I only had ds and was part time. I explained this and he offered to pay everything.
He moved in. From day 1 handed me all his bank details and paid everything. Still does now. I'm. Now a sahm and got dd too now. We do now get some top up though. But for 3 years we didn't.

I've been with my partner for a year. He hasn't yet met EXH & my DDs (DD1 4yo & DD2 2yo). It's only something we're now discussing. I get nothing from EXH as financially I am comfortable enough to not need it because I work FT, receive no benefits. EXH gives nothing as I don't need it I'd rather he used it for his home & the DDs 'second home' he has them around 50% of the time. It's all very friendly between me & him which was hard bloody work both sides.

If all goes well with partner I'd like to drop a day or two so I could spend more time with DDs as I would have another earning adult to share the financial burden. I will expect him to pay proportional amount of his pay. So he earns a third of what I do. So he will be expected to pay a third of bills. Child related or not as we will be a blended family! He has no children however if he did I'd deduct maintenance from his income and expect him to pay a % that way.

I really don't recommend marrying quickly purely for "financial security".

So really what you want is your cake and eating it. You want to live and possibly marry the man you are in love with, but you don't want to be financially dependent on him not do you want to increase your earned income.

Don't we all wish we could work PT and still have money coming into our bank account to do what we want with. You need to wake up OP, it doesn't work like that.

If his DD going to move in with you, then she'll need look after care too, so really you'll need to discuss how this is going to work. Maybe you could share the school drop/pick up so you can do more hours. Or if he can't because of his work, maybe you could get a childminder for all 3 kids and share the cost.

However, you need to accept that if you want financial independence, you'll have to look for another job and increase your hours.

Where did I say I didn't want to increase my income? FFS people really are reading things that aren't there? I mentioned it's difficult increasing my hours because I earn less per hour than I pay in childcare. DP won't be moving in for a year at least and I have to make ends meet in the meantime. Once he moves in I can think about weekend/evening work but it's just not worth it at the moment.

Retraining just isn't an option for me - I'm 45, already have a degree I don't use and really don't have any spare money for training. Plus I've got no idea what I'd like to do.

All these people saying 'get a better job' do you honestly think it's that easy? I must have been for over a dozen interviews before I got this job, and applied for I don't know how many others.

I’m confused. He won’t be moving In for a year? So you won’t lose any benefits before then. If he move in he will contribute financially and you can work more hours??