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Original poster

My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

182 replies

HarperJess · 02/12/2018 08:53

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

OP posts:
Amortentia · 03/12/2018 18:49

You should leave ASAP. I grew up with a father like this, he made loads of apologies and promises. By the time I was 12 he didn’t care that his children lost their home, had holes in their shoes and had no food. My mum was a nurse at the time and could only work partime shifts, that’s all we had to live on. He would get to the bank as soon as her wages went in a would take the lot. Such a miserable childood, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

This man will hit rock bottom eventually, do you want him to take his children with him?

BollocksToBrexit · 03/12/2018 18:52

Yep, my ex sold everything of value. Then I got him under control for quite a while. Until I was ill in bed for a few days. He took that opportunity to riffle through my bag and purse and cleared out every penny we had. Both cash and in my account.

I know we may sound harsh OP and I know you probably don't want to hear it. But we are trying to help you. I remember being angry at everyone I sought help from because they didn't help. It's only with hindsight that I see how it was easier to put the blame on others than where it belonged.

peachypetite · 03/12/2018 18:57

Stop having children with this man!

mysticpizza · 03/12/2018 19:01

Some employers won't pay into a bank account that's not in the employee's own name. Having been where OP is (and worse) a good option is a basic bank account where overdrafts aren't allowed. The banks don't promote them because they don't make them money but several offer them. Barclays, Co-op and Nationwide among others. If you go this route, OP you will need to hold the card and make transfers for household expenses into accounts he can't get into. I think you said he's having a small allowance? See receipts.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 19:13

Fairenuff he’s a self employed contractor and is currently working with his friend, so that’s why he’d agreed to pay it into my account, some employers will do this anyway though it just depends on their policies

OP posts:
Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 19:25

Peachypetite he wasn’t like this before we had children, this has stemmed from him putting pressure on himself to have loads of money for the children (which sounds backwards I know and is something he’ll hopefully address in his councilling)
Our children have been in a very happy home until the last few months!

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 03/12/2018 19:25

He’ll never change, you will have to mother him and restrict his access to money forever. Wouldnt be worth it to me. I’d move on

Sethis · 03/12/2018 19:35

this has stemmed from him putting pressure on himself to have loads of money for the children

No, this has stemmed from his utter lack of self control.

Any rational person would see after binning the first few grand that gambling is fucking his children over, not helping them.

The fact that he continues to do it just shows what his real motivations are i.e. compulsive, irrational, harmful behaviour.

Please don't ascribe noble motivations to him. It just makes it harder for you to do what needs to be done, and it makes it harder for him to stop.

Hopefully his therapist will tell him the best way to provide for his kids is to stop throwing money out of the window like there's no tomorrow.

purplecorkheart · 03/12/2018 20:06

Op he is using the kids as an excuse, he is an addict and will always try to pass of blame.

You have been excellent advice in this thread and I know the truth tough to hear.

However may I add two words of advice. Remove anything of value in your house because he will sell it, wedding rings, engagement rings etc.

If your kids have an bank accounts etc open for them make sure your husband's name is not on them.

Also keep a close eye on your credit report and male him show you a current copy of his. You need to know if there are any secret credit cards/loans etc.

Please do remember he will need treatment. This is not something that you and him can fix. Contact Gamblers Anonymous and ask them for advice and if they know of support groups for families of addicts.

Talkinpeece · 03/12/2018 20:08

How is the packing going?
Honestly Harper you have to be strong here and stand up for your kids

CoolCarrie · 03/12/2018 20:14

You need to put your children first before him, and that means believe what his behaviour is telling you, that he is a liar, a cheat and a thief, stop making excuses for him, he needs to get help ASAP.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2018 20:16

Excellent advice from purplecorkheart.

Especially this:
"Also keep a close eye on your credit report and male him show you a current copy of his."
You can sign up for regular emails with updates on your credit score, via the MSE Credit Club or directly with Experian. You should definitely do this for yourself and you could also ask him to show you his credit report as purple suggested. You could even get email updates on his credit score sent to you, although I don't think that's a sensible route to go down tbh, it wouldn't be appropriate for you to be policing and micromanaging him. He has to seek help and manage it himself.

Graphista · 03/12/2018 20:56

I would be VERY surprised if he wasn't a gambler before you had DC, these things don't come out the clear blue sky they start gradually it was probably easier to hide before DC too.

Definitely keep an eye on your credit records and valuables.

They'll pawn/sell anything someone will give them money for. Even cheap kids toys.

Fashionista101 · 03/12/2018 21:06

Crikey, do the right thing. Do it for your kiddies Sad

Wordthe · 03/12/2018 21:23

We all find it hard to adjust when children come along but we know that in order to thrive children need a secure stable home so we do our best to provide that for them

His response to having children has been totally the opposite, acting like a mad man losing money left right and centre
he is telling you that he is not prepared to make sacrifices and do what's best for the children
he is telling you (because actions speak louder than words) that you need to get away for your own good

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 03/12/2018 21:25

My parents split up over my Father's gambling back in 1972 when I was a small child. My Mum coped and he didn't come back into our lives until I met him as an adult.

I'm almost 50 and I don't have any contact now after I got fed up of the frequent requests for money. He's almost 75 and I know he spends his time in his flat in much the same way as he has done for years (or at least since the local casinos barred him) - hiding from the doorbell and screening his phone calls to avoid debt-collectors.

My biological Father was a smart, intelligent young man who couldn't control his urges and never sorted himself out despite having several good jobs and long-term relationships.

My Mum did the right thing, my DB and I were fine and she remarried to a good man who has never put a coin in a slot machine.

supergrains · 04/12/2018 01:18

Leave. My father was a gambler. My mother didn't leave him, just bailed him out as best she could. They both stooped pretty low.
They thought they hid it completely from their children....they wish.
My mother died young, I believe in part due to the stress.
It destroyed my childhood, and in a lot of ways my happiness as an adult, I always feel a sense of dread about my financial security.
I married a miserable man because he seemed the opposite of my father, but they shared many traits so it worked out.
Luckily I am out of the unhappy marriage.
Make no mistake you and your children will be destroyed if you stay.
They don't change.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 04/12/2018 01:49

I couldn't stay married to someone who lied to me so blatantly. The gambling is terrible but the lying is awful too.

You can't trust him. He has shown you that repeatedly.

Gina2012 · 04/12/2018 01:57

*You're an idiot and a mug.

You are complicit in his gambling by keeping it a secret from family and friends, you are protecting him.

You are failing your children.

They are already in a broken home and it will be even more broken the longer you stay.

A stable single parent is better than two parents who willingly allow a gambling problem to destroy their children's stability.*

This

JustWhatINeededNow · 04/12/2018 09:19

My marriage failed due to addiction- not gambling.

It's the lying and checking up that eventually destroyed us. It placed me in a parental role when we already had 2 young children. It was so unfair.

SushiMonster · 05/12/2018 10:03

Would you stay with a heroin addict who blew all your money on heroin and was a shitty fucking useless husband and father?

No. You probably wouldn't even consider it.

A gambling addiction is just the same. Addicts do not make good fathers or husbands.

Leave him before he takes your children down with him.

RightOnTheEdge · 06/12/2018 13:06

My dp's employer paid his wages into my bank account. I paid the bills and then put what was left in his bank. So it does happen.

It worked well for a while until he left his job and went somewhere else.

LauraMipsum · 06/12/2018 13:22

Have a look at this site Surviving Economic Abuse

Not all gamblers are economic abusers but there is crossover:

"making important financial decisions without discussing them first"

"refusing to contribute towards household bills and the cost of bringing up children, whilst spending own money on non-essential items."

Gambling away money set aside for Christmas presents for the children without mentioning it ticks both of those boxes.

I can understand why you want to give him one last chance but I would make it the last.

Talkinpeece · 06/12/2018 20:01

@HarperJess
I hope you are OK and that he has settled in to where he is living now and that you and your kids are getting used to more space

MLMsuperfan · 06/12/2018 22:48

There was an episode of A Matter of Life and Debt (BBC) this week with a gambling addict. His wife walked out on him and he says that's the best thing that could have happened as it started his journey to recovery. They since reconciled.

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