My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

[HarperJess]

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

all you’re doing is fuelling my thoughts that this is my fault not his Tell me how this can be your fault please.
Its he who is breaking yoilir family up. How long are you willing to stay? How many months of him gambling all the family money and living in more debt are you willing to put up with?

If he really is that great of a dad why is he spending money that now can't pay for milk or food for his children? Until he recognises he has a problem and needs help he will keep doing it. He knows your a pushover who will forgive him every time, open your eyes!

It is interesting that you talk about not wanting to leave your family, your dc are your family too.
Has your DH agreed to attend GA?
This has got to be the basic minimum for anything to actually change.

Been there and got the t shirt, I'm much further along the line than you OP.
Like you said, he's ill, He needs to go to Gamblers Anonymous or contact Gamcare asap, and actually able to engage in his own recovery.
Bear in mind, he may not be 'ready', so you'll have a lot more of this to come.
This is going to be much harder to tackle than just you taking the reins of the money, and giving him some ultimatums, he needs specialist help that he needs to want to access.
Read up on gambling addiction to have an understanding what you're up against. Also read up about the dynamics in a relationship between partner and addict.
You sound like you're at the beginning of the journey as the partner of an addict atm, and still have hope and a bit of naviety (not a judgement op). Not to say it won't turn out ok in the end, but know where your own boundaries are in regards to his behaviour.

Please leave op. It honestly is the worst addiction.

You can avoid alcohol and reduce the temptation (although it's hard in our society)
You can avoid heroin (although addicts often have to leave everything behind to escape from it)

You can't avoid money in our society. You can't avoid that nagging itch telling you that just this once... this time you'll win.

There's a very good chance he will never get better, and he'll drag you down with him. You will never be able to trust him, know no peace, compulsively check and recheck to make sure he hasn't stolen from you (because he has been stealing - he's been stealing from you and from your children and he'll do it again).

If he does want to have a chance to get better then he needs to get professional help. There are no guarantees it will work, but if he doesn't then I can guarantee that he'll do this to you again. And again, and again.

I am so sorry. What a miserable, miserable thing to be going through.

I know nothing about gambling, If she is being put in charge of family finances and incoming money, that does sound like a genuinely useful first step. The advice from AnotherEmma sounds incredibly useful.

OP's most recent post ("I feel like this has become a bit toxic...") sounds right on the money. Even if the pessimists on here end up being right (they all seem to be assuming that OP's partner will never be able to fix this), the change in bank account control and the advice from AnotherEmma should hopefully help with damage control while either OP accepts that a breakup is inevitable, or OP's partner surprises us all by going to GA and addressing his issue.

There is NO CURE for people who want to be a loser. My parents are in their late 70s. They are toddlers in the bodies of old people.

He has gambled away two houses, threw away his family and everything he could, his freedom (prison and mental health inpatient), his reputation, inheritance for him and us, love, joy, nice experiences, he destroys it for himself and his children.

My parents get off feeling sorry for themselves acting the victim and going irate at how bad things are, they destroyed themselves and everyone around them and refuse to accept it.

My parents who divorced years ago still independently display these behaviours because even apart they are sadistic and masochistic - they will bend over backwards for certain people and do a reverse Robin hood for them, bookmakers, their siblings and rich friends, they will take from themself and took from us children to give to these people, they do nothing for me and make a mess of everything.

My parents give advice and put me in life situations to sabotage me over and over again, it took a while for me to wise up to them. They are abusive people and I honestly don't think people like this have any hope of rehabilitation without WANTING to change this is rare, OP and her DP don't want to change, they don't want to so they still abuse.

"Surely when you love someone and have a family with them you don’t just walk away when they’re going through something?" You do when their actions are harming those children. They take priority over an addict.

They deserve to live in a secure, tension free home.

They don't deserve going without, having God knows who coming to the door demanding money, their home at risk, their mother on edge constantly due to the stress.

"but if he physically doesn’t have access to our money then how can he? He can’t get loans etc because his credit is low." Gamblers ALWAYS find a way! If he has no access to legit sources he'll use your name, sell stuff (do you have a half decent phone? Jewellery? Car? including the kids stuff - what ages are they do they have items of value? Phones? Gaming equipment? Bikes?), get in debt to loan sharks, steal...

3 things always true if you have an addict in your life:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Maybe these people can help

www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family

But honestly, as someone who comes from a family of addicts THIS is the one that never seems to get "cured". Alcoholics & drug addicts eventually their addiction makes them very ill or dead and that stops them/motivates them to stop, ditto exercise addiction - the body stops being able to take it. There's no such issue with gambling. They can gamble till there's 100 from their death bed! They're also ime the ones most likely to relapse.

"He’s actually the best dad I’ve known, far better than my own or any of the other dads I know. His children are his world and I know he would do anything for them" anything except not gamble, not leave them short, not ruin their Christmas...

How bad was your dad you think he's great? Less bad does not equal good.

"he’s not abusive." Yes he is - financially. That's even recognised as abuse legally.

"You think I want my children to suffer? " you're not doing what you need to protect them though.

"Addiction is a family disease." Absolutely, my dads alcoholic but my mother enabled him from the beginning.

My siblings and I would have been FAR better off in a "broken home" than we were in a supposedly whole one. It's a facade. Your home is already broken you're just ignoring the debris!

I'm 46 I'm still suffering the consequences of my mother choosing to stay with an addict, as are my siblings. 2 of us Dx serious ongoing MH issues, the 3rd barely has contact with any of us and has a very tight rein on all areas of his life, it worries me what will happen if something happens to affect that.

The worst gambler in my family lost 2 families, 3 houses, numerous hospital stays due to punishment from bookies & loan sharks (dead men don't pay so they "just" break bones, threaten their families instead. I've heard of gamblers kids being kidnapped).

"I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive"

Perhaps you could get an evening or weekend job (ie times when your partner will be able to look after the children) so that you have some independent income. Being in work will make it easier for you to increase your hours or find another job if needed, and you certainly will need to, whether you end the relationship or have to make up for the shortfall and debts created by his gambling.

When your oldest turns 3 you will be entitled to some funded childcare hours and if you become a single parent on a low income you will get help with childcare costs.

Harper I think it is ok you have given him the final ultimatum and laid down your boundaries, but you need to make sure he has recognised he has a real problem and committed to resolving it and not just doing it because he is scared he is going to lose his family. That is not enough to get through this.

He needs to be at a GA meeting this week and ongoing until he really understands that he has an addiction and its impact on his family and him, he needs to fight it and find coping mechanisms rather than just avoid.

Zero tolerance from you from now on and make sure he knows it. GA this week and ongoing or he leaves, any lapses he leaves. Zero tolerance is the only way you will possible get through this as a couple.

Good luck, you will need it, it is more likely he will have to leave. It would perhaps also make sense to speak to a solicitor so you know what you need to do when that happens.

OP, I haven't been through what you're going through. But many on this thread have. Been there, got the t shirt. Sadder and wiser. You may not like the message they have to give, but don't blame the messenger. They do understand exactly, they are trying to warn you. You don't seem ready for the next step, fair enough, but please, acknowledge to yourself that all these people may not be wrong, and prepare yourself for having to put your children first. There may well be a next time. Be watchful. No more excuses.

AnotherEmma Don’t worry I’m not one of those people who could work but finds excuses not to. I’m desperate to go back to work and the second my oldest turns 3 that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.

OH works 6am-7/8pm with travel time, we looked at me getting an evening job but I wouldn’t be able to start until 8/9pm earliest so would have to work till 1/2 am to do a full shift and the kids get up at 4 at the moment. So I’ve looked into it believe me.

I work from home selling Usborne Books which doesn’t make a lot but it’s enough for pocket money. I also do an ironing service which again is pocket money but helpful.

Ok you will stay with him.

What line are you going to draw in the sand? One that you won’t move because .....it’s been awhile since he last did it/he can’t help it/I don’t want to leave him/it’s not his fault/he’s said he’ll get help/it’s not a good time right now/he is a good dad/he’s a kind man/he makes good money/he won’t get better without me/ (any excuse you can come up with)

Seriously it’s your life so I don’t give a toffee crunch what you do but don’t kid yourself that ‘building a life with someone who gambles away everything all the time’ and is ‘ruining everything we save for’ is ever going to be blissful. It’s going to be hard. As the kids grow up it’s going to be harder. Whilst you make it alright for him, he will carry on. Gradually he will get control back over finances enough to do it again.

Where is that line?

I’ve told him he needs to move out and get professional help. I said once he can prove to me that he’s not gambled a penny or gone out drinking for a while (he’s not a binge drinker or alcoholic but that seems to be his trigger) then we can start to rebuild.

We’re gonna talk about it when he gets home later.

Scary times ahead

Harper
Talk about it but then pack his things TONIGHT
and
WELL DONE You are doing the right thing
for your kids
for you
for him

Whilst I totally get how hard and painful it is to call time on a relationship I dont think I would ever feel safe or secure with someone who repeatedly and deliberately plunged me into chaos with 2 very young children.
A good partner is calm and steady
this man is a loose cannon

Op you are not the one breaking up the family he is. He has gambled your bills money and your kids Christmas presents money
You either give him an ultimatum he gets help and gives you full financial control or leaves
If he continues you and dc could end up losing your home.

It will be a matter now of staying strong in the face of the emotional upheaval, inconveniences and impracticality of living separately and, in all likelihood, him trying to convince you he can stay and still make the changes he needs to. It will be hard (and so tempting to cave in and just go back to normal) but you have to keep at the forefront of your mind that knowledge that you can't live a life in fear of him pulling the rug from under you financially, if the lies and deceit didn't kill your relationship finding yourself repeatedly unable to feed your DC would. This is your best chance, both of you, he needs this whether he realises it or not so you need to be strong and make him stick to it and stay away until he's beaten his addiction.

I really hope you stick to this decision because currently he doesn't respect you or take what you say seriously at all.

If he did he'd have sought help.... instead he wasted another £500.

How many sold books or hour's ironing would it take to even make that amount....

Don't look on him moving out as breaking up your family, because it isn't. It's ultimately going to be what saves it.

Honestly they are such large sums of money I would leave him over it. It’s a big problem that he feels ok about loosing £700 and then does it again.

There’s so much he needs to do to ban himself and get in the right track he needs to do it himsel, you cannot do it for him, there’s too many ways for him to gamble.

I think him telling everyone he had a problem and making it public will help him realise it’s a big problem

OP how can his employer pay his wages direct to you? I think you've been fed a line there.

I wasn't convinced about that either.

Dh's wages were paid direct to me at one point (not for that reason). You can nominate any bank account you like.