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Original poster

My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

182 replies

HarperJess · 02/12/2018 08:53

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

OP posts:
Bumbumtaloo · 03/12/2018 14:49

OP no advice as such but I will say make sure his debit card is erased from his phone. My iPhone pre-fills me card on certain websites and if he knows the CVV number he will have access to any money that way.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 14:50

ToddCrane, I don’t like playing the victim. That’s why I’ve come to strangers for advice on this rather than telling my family that I need help. I have hidden this from both our families and all of our friends because I don’t want to be seen as victims and I don’t want pity.

Your comments are not helpful, all you’re doing is fuelling my thoughts that this is my fault not his. I understand you had a rough childhood with this and I’m sorry for that. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment again, thanks.

OP posts:
ToastyFingers · 03/12/2018 14:52

Put your kids first and leave. No excuses.

Branleuse · 03/12/2018 14:55

Please dont compare what its like to have your parents split up at 12, to how it is when they are babies/toddlers. At this age they will know no different. At 12, its a different kettle of fish

I think you need to get you and your kids out and not rely on him anymore as he really has shown multiple times now that he cannot be trusted to take care of his family.

Please get out before you lose your home. Do not be beholden to a bloke that gambles everything away.

BollocksToBrexit · 03/12/2018 14:56

Hiding it from family and friends is enabling him. He doesn't have to face the full impact of his actions as you're acting as a buffer between him and everyone else.

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2018 14:59

"The whole point of this post was to try and find a solution which didn’t mean that my children will grow up in a broken home. My dad left when I was 12 and it was horrible, I promised myself then that my children will never have to experience that and will never grow up in a sewrated family."
I do mean this kindly OP, although I fear it will not come across as such. Your personal experience may be clouding you decision. You experienced your father leaving and are probably still in pain from that; so you regard parental separation as the worst thing, to be avoided at all costs. I am not discounting your experiences. But - others have experienced parents staying together, trapping them (as children) into a dysfunctional life as the worst thing. Even on this thread, people have shared the pain and sense of betrayal they still feel. Personally, I feel it is easier for a child to deal with separated parents (many of their friends will be in the same position) than to deal with untrustworthy parents - a father who gambles and a mother who facilitates it. I'm sorry, but that could screw your children up far more than separating ever could. Sad

mysticpizza · 03/12/2018 15:00

I feel for you, OP but the fact is you are the only one who is capable of being rational in this. You only have to look at the way he lied to your face while chucking another £500 down the toilet.

Having control of the money is a start but it's not foolproof. Gamblers can and do resort to all sorts including stealing as they get more and more desperate to chase. How do you know there's no hidden debt or secret bank account? The only way you can be certain of this is access to his reports with every credit agency. Has he offered full transparency? Has he arranged to attend GA?. If he doesn't want to stop he will tell you everything you want to hear and be right back at it without batting an eye.

Clue up on gambling addiction. Lock down the family finances and don't trust him. Gamblers can and do successfully arrest it if they want it enough but you can't make him want that or choose it. Even if he does it can't be cured and it doesn't go away. They are only ever one bet away from repeating the whole cycle.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 03/12/2018 15:00

He may be an addict and not in control of his actions but you are.

You are putting HIS needs and HIS problems before your DC.

That's pretty shocking OP. Do your DC deserve to go without for the rest of their lives because Dad has no self control? And do you think they will thank you for staying and putting them through it?

You need to be the responsible parent here because he is never going to be.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2018 15:05

"We fell out, I went to bed and I knew something weird was going on by the way he was acting. He went downstairs, I said “you better not be gambling because you’re acting shady” and he said no he was just going for a cigarette. Then hours later he came to bed and I checked his PayPal and saw that he’d spent £500 on a gambling site throughout the course of the evening.

To address it, not much. I told him to leave, then changed my mind. He apologised and I came up with a plan going forward which he has agreed to"

You're an idiot and a mug.

You are complicit in his gambling by keeping it a secret from family and friends, you are protecting him.

You are failing your children.

They are already in a broken home and it will be even more broken the longer you stay.

A stable single parent is better than two parents who willingly allow a gambling problem to destroy their children's stability.

BollocksToBrexit · 03/12/2018 15:07

It's important to remember OP that you cannot change his behaviour. You can only change what you do. Are you prepared to live with a man you can never trust? A man who will steal food out of his childrens' mouths to feed his own 'hunger'? Do you want this for the rest of your life?

SillySallySingsSongs · 03/12/2018 15:10

But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment again, thanks.

You can't stop posters from posting.

plaidlife · 03/12/2018 15:24

OP, the only way I can see you staying together as a family will work is if he attends GA, is generally much more open about his problem and you receive some counseling to address why you facilitate this behavior.
You must only have seen pretty terrible examples of fatherhood if you believe that regularly spending all of the family money and leaving dc without a Xmas is being a good parent, it is truly awful parenting.
You personally need a much higher sense of self worth, you are an equal partner in your relationship and should be treated as one.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 15:26

I feel like this has become a bit toxic, and it feels like I’m being attacked for not being able to easily walk out on my family.
You have to appreciate how hard a decision this is. This isn’t breaking up with a boyfriend, this is breaking apart my whole family and everything I’ve wanted and worked hard for.
We were a normal happy family like most of you are before this, so this is tough.

Sorry I’m not jumping at the chance to leave but it’s not something I can decide in one day. I probably will leave, or at least have a break while he hopefully sorts himself out because I know that’s the right thing to do, but you have to understand why I’m going backwards and forwards.

Thank you for your advice though I really do appreciate it.

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 03/12/2018 15:28

Go to your friends or family and leave him, he will ruin all of your lives! You Nd your children deserve better.

Talkinpeece · 03/12/2018 15:29

Harper
You are not breaking your family apart.
He is.
Leave now.
Make him get sorted out with GA
Then get back together when he cares enough to give up gambling.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 03/12/2018 15:31

No one is attacking you OP.

If anyone deserves attacking here, it is your selfish and feckless DP.

But it's hard to understand how you can even think of staying I suppose. There is no way in hell I would let my DC stay in a home where Dad will gamble away the food out their mouths.

Sunisshining5346 · 03/12/2018 15:40

You don't want ToddCrane to comment again..why?! They advice should be the advice you listen to the most, as they have been your children in years to come!!!!!

That is exactly how your children will see you!
I seem to care more about yourself and your husband than your children. Bless their little souls Sad
Well I hope you and your husband have a nice Christmas..because your children won't!!

BMW6 · 03/12/2018 15:41

You could start by telling your family and his the truth of his gambling addiction. Be honest and open. Then you can get the support you and your children need for your welfare now, and in the future.

I suspect you will be horrified by my suggestion, as it will shatter the illusion of the "happy family" that you appear desperate to hang onto.

But please believe me - nothing will help unless his addiction is acknowledged by all around him, and ultimately by himself.

I DO know what you are going through. Mine committed suicide and wasn't nearly as bad as your dh is - We had no children.

Sunisshining5346 · 03/12/2018 15:41

Their*

Sunisshining5346 · 03/12/2018 15:44

You not I. Bloody phone.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2018 15:46

I understand that it's very difficult to decide to end a relationship, especially when there are children involved. I still think that you need to woman up and do it, for the sake of your children if not yourself, but in the meantime here are some other steps that you absolutely must take immediately:

  1. Tell your family and friends about his gambling problem.
  2. Get counselling for yourself (not couple's counselling) to explore your self esteem, your standards when it comes to a "good father" and "good partner", and your fears about the future - whether that's continuing the relationship or ending it.
  3. Insist that he attends Gamblers Anonymous, if he won't go perhaps you could go yourself, this will give you some insight into what you are dealing with, and you might get some support.
  4. Ensure you are completely separate in terms of banking, credit and finances. No joint bank accounts, no shared credit cards or credit agreements, rent/mortgage should be in your name only. Minimise the opportunities he has to make you bankrupt and homeless.
ToddCrane · 03/12/2018 16:08

Poor OP, isn't it awful what she puts up with, she's so loving and forgiving, she will do anything for her family.

Is that what you want to hear, is that what you think people say about you and how they see you?

I see safeguarding concerns, two adults abusive playing S&M games and them thieving from innocent children, I won't be alone.

OhLemons · 03/12/2018 16:13

I would t insist upon him going to GA, I would wait and see if he's motivated enough to do it himself. I suspect he won't.

Sakura7 · 03/12/2018 16:17

OP I get that it's difficult to leave, but you have to wake up and see the reality of your situation. You're not breaking the family up, he is. You're putting him and his needs ahead of everything and everyone else. You may not see it but you are enabling him, and by doing so you are exposing your children to a world of hurt. You should be protecting them.

In most dysfunctional families there's a 'difficult' parent (with addiction/mental illness/personality disorder) and an enabling parent. The enabler is just as dangerous to the children as the volatile parent, because in their quest to fix them, they end up neglecting and/or perpetuating the abuse of their children. If you don't leave, this is what will happen. The children need to have at least one parent on their side.

I know it's scary and painful, but if you love your children and want them to have a decent childhood, you have to leave. You must be brave for them or you'll set them up for a world of pain in the future.