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Original poster

My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

182 replies

HarperJess · 02/12/2018 08:53

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 13:36

😩😩 I’m so conflicted! I do agree with what you’re all saying but I really don’t want to break our family up.

We’ve already agreed a plan going forward now.. do you think I should stick to it or do a u turn? I just don’t know if I could face life on my own!!

OP posts:
Wordthe · 03/12/2018 13:37

you are telling us that his children are his world and yet earlier you told us this

He has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either

These two things are mutually incompatible they are not the actions of a man whose children are his world,

LIZS · 03/12/2018 13:38

What has he actually done to address this since you found out and how did you find out? These are not small amounts of money.

Wordthe · 03/12/2018 13:40

How can you say he is not abusive he may be smiling nice and not violent but he has deliberately caused financial ruin
he is abusive he just keep smiling and being nice while he's doing it

AgentProvocateur · 03/12/2018 13:44

He’s really not a great dad if he’s gambled away his children’s Christmas present money! Shock

ShotsFired · 03/12/2018 13:44

His children are his world and I know he would do anything for them

Really? Like the stuff you listed in your OP?

ToddCrane · 03/12/2018 13:44

You are clearly as much of a loser and into financial/Emotional abuse of Children as your DH.

You will get what you want eventually you will lose everything, your home, money, family and reputation.

I and my siblings have nothing to do with my parents, I told my Mum she's as much to blame as my gambling Dad, they are thiefs of peace, family, joy, money, experience and boundaries.

You aren't going to rob me of any more time and compassion - I reserve that for your innocent children - you teach financial and emotional S&M is OK.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 13:44

We fell out, I went to bed and I knew something weird was going on by the way he was acting. He went downstairs, I said “you better not be gambling because you’re acting shady” and he said no he was just going for a cigarette. Then hours later he came to bed and I checked his PayPal and saw that he’d spent £500 on a gambling site throughout the course of the evening.

To address it, not much. I told him to leave, then changed my mind. He apologised and I came up with a plan going forward which he has agreed to

OP posts:
Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 13:47

ToddCrane that’s not fair at all. I do not want to lose everything, are you serious? You think I want my children to suffer? No.

The whole point of this post was to try and find a solution which didn’t mean that my children will grow up in a broken home. My dad left when I was 12 and it was horrible, I promised myself then that my children will never have to experience that and will never grow up in a sewrated family.

So that’s why I’m trying to find a solution. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have even started this thread would I? I’d have told him it’s fine and carried on.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 03/12/2018 13:48

Of course he's agreed to it, whether he sticks to it will be another matter
he knows that you're not likely to leave because it would cost you a lot to do so
he knows exactly what he can get away with and he will continue to try and get away with it

ToddCrane · 03/12/2018 13:50

Your idea of fair and mine differ, you think it's fair to call a man who thieves from children - a good father. In my opinion your morals are a safeguarding concern.

christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 03/12/2018 13:51

Good luck. Whilst you can cut off his access to money he also needs to address his gambling addiction and seek help for it.

DaffydownClock · 03/12/2018 13:54

....he'll sink into a hole....' yes, and drag you and the DCs in with him if you stay.
Gamblers are inveterate liars, they can make you believe anything and until you leave this pattern will continue Op.

Whisky2014 · 03/12/2018 13:54

Its not "his"mi ey because he needs it to house and feed his family. Which he isnt doung because he keeps losing it. This is the 4th time? What action did he taje on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time?

Get him to log onto his gambling sites and get him ti "self restrict" his deposits and do it by month at £0. Or there mught actually be sime setting for an actual gambling break. Once thats done if he tries to take the restriction off he has to wait at least a month before he can deposit again. Obviously thats just a preventative measure but at least he wont get further into debt. And make sure you know all the sites he is registered with...there are tons!

Rogueone · 03/12/2018 13:54

unfortunately the only addicts I know had to hit rock bottom before ‘they’ sought help. My friends sister lived with a gambler and he lied, put there home at risk and she threw him out. He then became abusive as she too stayed with him and tried to save him and that relationship did not recover as his addiction was his priority. Your DH is going to have to do something about his problem, you taking on the saviour role won’t work and he will become more deceitful. You should do some reading on dealing with addicts

OliviaBenson · 03/12/2018 13:56

The problem is op, the change has to come from him. Instead you offered it to him on a plate- of course he was going to agree to appease you.

Addiction is a family disease. My dad is an addict and I resent my mum more for not being the adult and leaving him. She thought she could manage him but my childhood was horrific because she stayed.

You can't do this for him. You can however protect yourself and your children and you must. He is not a good dad or husband. You need to face up to that.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2018 13:57

His children are his world and I know he would do anything for them.

Anything except stop gambling the family money away.

You've come up with a plan and I see no reason not to stick with it, assuming you really mean it when you say you will leave if he gambles again. Your children deserve better than a life of wondering if ther will be enough money for X, Y or Z (I realise that many live like this through no fault of the family but this is different).

Good luck.

Wordthe · 03/12/2018 13:57

Causing ruin and chaos makes him feel Powerful
through his problem he is able to control the whole family
his problem is very useful to him

OhLemons · 03/12/2018 13:57

Has he closed his PayPal account as well, presume that is linked to a bank account? Any gambling websites? They can all be linked to a debit card or bank account. Mobile phone, if it's contract then that can be used and it gets added to your phone bill.

I appreciate that you may not have included everything on here, but your posts read as though you believe that controlling his salary/bank account will solve the problem - financially at least.

RandomMess · 03/12/2018 13:59

I understand why you are desperately hoping it can work.

I think you need to be very aware he will getting increasingly devious in order to continue. Ex BIL somehow managed to get credit cards again when it shouldn't have been possible and he just intercepted the postman at the end of the road so SIL didn't know.

Thanks
Holstenlane · 03/12/2018 13:59

He needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to WANT to stop. And he won't want to stop until it's his only option.
Leave.

Wallywobbles · 03/12/2018 13:59

Correct me if I'm wrong. He kept to your new agreement for less than 24 hours? You really don't get it do you?

I can't see where you've said what your housing situation is. I hope to god you don't own a house together, cos you can kiss it goodbye now and for ever.

Sethis · 03/12/2018 14:00

You leave: he damages himself

You stay: he damages you, he damages your children, he damages himself

He damages you, by forcing you into the role of parent to him. You're not his parent, you're his partner.

He damages your children, by taking food out of their mouths, and destroying/preventing/ruining their holidays - which are supposed to be some of the happiest times of their entire lives, and the experiences they'll look back on when they're older.

He damages himself, because he suffers even more guilt that he's doing all of the above. He's not just sorry about his own life, he feels bad for all of you. Yet not enough to stop doing it.

How much money does he have to flush down the toilet before it becomes too much? Like, literally flush down the toilet. Would you take thousands out of a cash machine, and then go chuck it in the river? This is what he's done. Thousands of pounds. In the river. Of your money, and money for your children.

You've been told to leave. Anyone else would tell you exactly the same. Pity your children for not taking the advice.

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2018 14:01

Is life on your own really worse than reliving that gut wrenching moment when you realise he's done it again, taken money you needed for your family and left you in the shit, over and over again, potentially for the rest of your life? Can you live with that kind of insecurity, that constant rollercoaster of just starting to trust him again and hoping that 'this time it will be different' only to be let down and devastated all over again, and again, and again? Can you (and DC as they get older and more aware) live like that and not end up damaged by it?

The alternative is that you draw a very clear line in the sand. He goes away and sorts himself out, gets help to resolve the root of the problem (not just a plaster over the symptoms like no access to money) and comes back a changed man, or he loses you forever.

The reality here is that he won't stop without something huge (like you leaving/kicking him out) because this addiction has him firmly in its grip. Without treatment, which he won't seek until he faces losing everything, he can't hope to beat this and you will be here again, with no money for the things you/DC need, before you know it.

This situation will just keep repeating unless you take decisive action, the only question is whether you do it this time or wait til next time, or the time after that. Only you know how much you can/will take before you crack but don't be naive enough to think you can fix this by restricting his access to money. You can't because it's an illness and he needs treatment you're not qualified to give, problem is he won't seek that treatment until he's faced with losing everything.

Zoflorabore · 03/12/2018 14:02

Wow op. What is it going to take for you to grow a pair and throw him out? I also have never ever said LTB on here before until now.

Where did he get the £500 from if you said was no money for Christmas? So he says sorry and it's all ok again... you're a mug.

Also, he is not the best dad. What type of dad leaves his children in a precarious financial state for gambling and frittering away money on drinking? A shit one.

You need to wake up and see what's happening in your family. When was the bar set so low for you? This is not model dad/partner behaviour, quite the opposite and you and your children deserve much better.
Harsh but true.