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Original poster

My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

182 replies

HarperJess · 02/12/2018 08:53

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/12/2018 08:57

Leave. Until he recognises the problem and seeks help things will not change. If you are already in debt he will only bring you down. Contact Stepchange to review how you at least can address the debt issue.

MorrisZapp · 02/12/2018 09:01

You can't live like this. You need to be on your own and supporting yourself, even if it's on benefits. In the short term, you need access to the family money so you can save and budget. It isn't his just because he's earned it, you're working too by looking after your kids.

AnotherEmma · 02/12/2018 09:02

You don't know what to do?! It's glaringly obvious. LTB

Bananalanacake · 02/12/2018 09:03

Do you have anyone you can stay with the dc.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/12/2018 09:05

You leave because he will never change. If having two tiny children to support means nothing to him, what on earth ever could?

The only way you can stop this ruining your life and that of your DC is to find a way out.

GrammarTeacher · 02/12/2018 09:06

I've never said this before but you have to leave.

Elllicam · 02/12/2018 09:09

You do need to leave. It would be different if he accepted he had a problem, tried to get help and gave you control over the money. As it is he will likely do it again and get you in more and more debt.

Inkspellme · 02/12/2018 09:09

Leave. Find somewhere to go and then go there. Have you someone? Parents? Friends?

Do you have other children other than the 17 month and 6 month old? If not - don’t worry about buying toys for Christmas morning. They won’t notice the value - get as cheap as you can in a charity shop.

After you’ve left you can begin to sort your finances that he supports his kids. Technically the money is his you say - but you provide free childcare for the kids in that case. A decent partner wouldn’t have you thinking that way of money they earn while you stay at home with the kids. It’s family income - not just his.

AnotherEmma · 02/12/2018 09:10

Do you rent or have a mortgage? Is it his name or joint names?

If it's just in his name, you'll have to move out - you could apply for social housing (there will be a waiting list obviously but you could ask the council about it).

If it's in joint names, you should stay with the children and he should go.

Check your benefit entitlement as a single mum at www.entitledto.co.uk and see www.cmoptions.org for a child maintenance calculator and payment options.

FishesThatFly · 02/12/2018 09:16

You have a choice and it depends on what you want to do.

Stay and forever be living in contant anxiety whether you'll have money that month. Also as time goes on be prepared for debt collectors to knock. My friend who went through this practised hiding with her children so when the collectors knocked they just thought they were playing a game with mummy again..... maybe you could start practicing?

Or

Take over the family finances and have all the responsibility of everything. Also pray he doesn't open credit cards or get loans instead that will need paying off....

Or

Leave now with your children and set up on your own and be independent. Maybe then he'll realise he needs help

Frosty66611 · 02/12/2018 09:19

100% LTB Flowers

Truckingonandon · 02/12/2018 09:22

Of course you know what to do, as there's only one thing to do. Leave.

RightOnTheEdge · 02/12/2018 09:22

Oh OP I know exactly how your feeling. Please get away as soon as you can.
I was in exactly the same position as you when my dc were smaller.
I was at home with them and he never paid the bills. I never slept, I was a nervous wreck worrying about bailiffs. We had to go to court because we were going to get evicted.
I would be worried sick about one of my dc being ill and I wouldn't even be able to buy Calpol while he would think nothing of throwing away £50 on a horse race.

My dc are now 6 and 8 and I am working long hours and doing two jobs. He steals my bank card details and helps himself to my wages betting online. He has stolen my whole wage and left my bank empty on the day I got paid. I have got a new bank card twice and hidden it and he's found it.
Then he somehow managed to use my PayPal too.
He is never even sorry just makes up excuses. He will never get help.

It is absolute hell to live with someone like this. It crushes you and destroys everything.
For the sake of your children and yourself get him out now. Go to Citizens Advise and find out about benefits. It will be so much better.

Don't listen to him if he says he will get help and then just carry on the same way for years like I have.

I have finally told him to leave. He has added problem drinking to our lives now. He doesn't seem to be making an effort to go. Life is too easy for him living here.
I woke up this morning and he had been out all day drinking yesterday and left all the rings on the hob on all night.

I am sending you massive hugs and support. Flowers Flowers
Maybe get in touch with one of the gambling charities that supports families. I should have done that a long time ago but now I can't be bothered I just want him out of the house.

Bettyswitch · 02/12/2018 09:38

Op leave now!

This man will effectively see his children starve, his own selfish need to gamble will see you and your kids homeless and he won't give a shit!

Put your kids first and walk away, call friend or family member and explain what has gone on I'm pretty certain someone will help you (not him) out.
If you have no one then get off mn and get on the phone to woman's aid!

Shepherdspieisminging · 02/12/2018 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brimstonenotfire · 02/12/2018 09:43

RightOnTheEdge you need to go too. That is awful. You say he won’t go so what else can you do? Get family involved or take kids and go yourself. He is abusing you and ruining your kids lives. Please don’t put up with it any longer. You are worth so so much more and so are your kids.

OP you can’t stay. Have you family you can go to for now?

ILovePierceBrosnan · 02/12/2018 09:54

Well you could stay and hope he will change. It may (probably will) mean you live like this for the next twenty years or more. Your children will grow up knowing about gambling and suffering as well but you can hope not.

Or just leave. I appreciate that is a big step but actually it is what you need to do

You’d be better off asking for help in actually carrying that bit out. I.e. tell me how I can leave.

RightOnTheEdge · 02/12/2018 10:21

Thank you Brimstonenotfire I went mad with him this morning over the cooker and he just totally denied it was him. I told him again he needs to get out but he says he will go at the end of December but I just want him out right now.

I work evenings and he has been looking after the dc but now I don't trust him to be on his own with them but at the same time I'm terrified about being sanctioned by UC if I lose my job.

I spoke to someone at my dcs school on Thursday and she said she has refered me to a charity I've never heard of who she said are great at giving support and advice. I feel totally lost at the moment but hopefully one day soon I can be out of this.

Hope your ok OP.

flirtygirl · 02/12/2018 10:34

You have given him chances. Enough is enough now. He needs to find somewhere else to live. You need to claim benefits and contact cms, get the maintenance direct from his wages.

If he ever gets help you could try mending your family then. But now you need to put your kids first.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/12/2018 12:48

What is your housing situation op rented mortgage whose name is it in. You need to separate this is no way to live is it ?

percheron67 · 02/12/2018 13:11

Leave him . For pity's sake don't have any more children with him. Very unfair on them.

Talkinpeece · 02/12/2018 16:03

OP
I normally counsel to find ways through debt and pull together and all that
but a gambler who lies and spends money that is needed for food
needs help and space
take your children and find financial security elsewhere

thethoughtfox · 02/12/2018 17:05

Does he have a relationship with his parents/ mutual friends? Telling them he has stolen and gambled away his children's food and Christmas money might shame him into getting help. ( But still leave)

ToddCrane · 02/12/2018 17:07

The man is someone who wants to lose.

Give him what he wants, leave.

Find yourself and people who want you to do well in life.

purplecorkheart · 02/12/2018 17:21

You need to throw him out or leave I am afraid. Gambling us his priority not you or his children. He chose to gamble money instead of buying christmas presents for his children.

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