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Original poster

My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

182 replies

HarperJess · 02/12/2018 08:53

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

OP posts:
MrDonut · 03/12/2018 14:03

He'll still find a way. Secret credit card, hidden cash stash.

I understand you have to give him one more chance, but make sure this is the last one.

Sunisshining5346 · 03/12/2018 14:03

ToddCrane is being fair. They have been the child in a situation just like yours. And that's exactly how your children will see you when they are older.

You said you wanted a solution not to break up the family? But in your OP you ask should you leave??

Everyone has told you too and now your giving poor excuses on why you should stay. The children aren't going to have a bloody christmas because of your husband?!!!!

Your children should be your main priority!!!!!!

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 14:04

So if I did decide to leave him, what should I do?

I’ve already told him he can stay, what do I say now?

Every other aspect of our life, relationship and family is perfect, it’s just this one problem, that’s why I’m finding it hard to see it as a big enough reason to split our whole world apart.

OP posts:
ltk · 03/12/2018 14:06

That's like saying cancer is just one health problem.

steppemum · 03/12/2018 14:08

there are two issues here.

  1. he gambles away all your money
  2. he controls all the money and doesn;t let you hve access to it.

in some ways the second is more scary than the first

LIZS · 03/12/2018 14:08

One almighty problem which impacts on all areas of life. How does he have a paypal account and where did the balance come from? Does he have mood swings often? Just tell him that you have had time to reflect and cannot process it with him in the house. In the meantime you want to see positive steps to dealing with his addiction.

Lollipop30 · 03/12/2018 14:09

Leave.

We lost everything, our house, credit rating, etc 6weeks before my 1st was born.
Feel free to PM me, and for what it’s worth we’re now years down the line, back together, happy, healing and have a further two children.

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2018 14:10

This 'one problem' which has left your DC with no Christmas presents OP, how bad does it have to get?! You are allowed to change your mind, tell him you've thought it over and realised you can't live like that, having to control his money and live in fear of him doing it again. Tell him he needs to move out, get proper help and not come back until he can be the man you and DC need him to be.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 14:11

Steppemum I understand what you’re saying, but I let him have control over the money because I felt like it wasn’t mine. He gives me money whenever I ask for it it’s just that he has it in his bank account

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 03/12/2018 14:11

So if he had already gambled all your money, where did he get the £500 from?

RightOnTheEdge · 03/12/2018 14:15

HavelockVetinari I have told him twice now that I want him to leave ASAP but he is refusing and sayings he's going at the end of the month.

I've told my work all about it and my manager has been great. She is doing her best to arrange my work shifts around school as much as possible in the new year. For now I'm juggling between family and friends so he is never alone with them.

School have made a referal for me to someone who they say is great at giving advice in these situations. Unfortunately I can't remember the name. It's one I've never heard before.

I'm getting my ducks in a row.
I just wish he would just go. I'm hoping to start the New Year without him and in a much better place.

Unlike the OP though I feel I have finally emotionally detached from him. I'm sure when he's gone I'll grieve for our family and how it should have been, we could have been such a happy family and a lot of the time we were.

But it's the end of the line now. I just need to block it out for now and concentrate on the practical stuff and doing the right thing for my children.

Original poster
HarperJess · 03/12/2018 14:15

Silysally, he did it in August then in November then the other day. He gets paid a good wage so in between those dates he had money coming in which is what he’s gambled.

It’s like just as we rebuild the money back up he gambles it away again

OP posts:
Theknacktoflying · 03/12/2018 14:16

Have you gone to GA? You are as implicit in his addition as he is. You need to see that you are playing a big role in his addiction and enabling him to continue behaviour where both of you and his family are going to see your arse ..

FusionChefGeoff · 03/12/2018 14:17

You could justify giving him one last chance if he IMMEDIATELY as in tonight, looked up his nearest gamblers anonymous or similar and committed to attend and get help.

Otherwise it's pointless.

Frouby · 03/12/2018 14:17

Op, I have been in a similar situation with my now DH. Not quite as bad but he woud take £100 and blow it on those roulette machines in the bookies. Never enough to leave us destitute but it was usually money that was saved for something else.

I gave him the same ultimatum and thankfully he knows I am serious. Gambling is an addiction and an evil one at that.

I now have full control of all the bank accounts and he knows the first time he takes a card and blows money he is gone. He had come to terms with that and knows I mean it.

But it took time and a major arguement for him to accept he was wrong. I suspect your dh isn't quite there yet. Change the pin on your card, every password for everything you have and keep your card with you. Online accounts dont need a pin number for deposits, just the card details, name, address and date of birth which he will know as you are married. So could open up casino accounts in your name using your card and have no problem deposting money. I would suggest using a savings account which he doesn't know the log in details for and transferring between your current and savings account as you need to. Trust me a gamblet will find a way.

Pm me if you want anymore advice.

Zoflorabore · 03/12/2018 14:19

And he will continue to do so any way he can op because you're enabling him.

Put your kids first. They will have a miserable life with a gambler for a father.

How can you not see this?
You say you don't want to split the family up, doing exactly that would be the best thing for your dc. Bangs head....

ltk · 03/12/2018 14:19

Think through how you might live without his income, because that's a likely outcome whether you stay with him or not. Do you live in rented accommodation? Who could you stay with, or how might the rent/mortgage get paid? Did you have work before the dc?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/12/2018 14:20

If he's got a proper gambling problem; he won't be able to stop because you told him too. That won't happen. He'll need to hand over all money and seek treatment, and he'll need to self exclude himself from all the sites. He'll still look for ways round that. You might have taken his card now but he's got PayPal, or he'll get an online account, or a new bank account. It is a compulsion to gamble and he will find a way to do it.

It's a slog to get through enough treatment that you lose that urge, and in all likelihood, he won't ever be able to gamble again - not a little flutter on his team or the Grand National or at the races.

If his compulsion is that bad; he needs to hit rock bottom to give him the momentum to push through. Him leaving for a while would do that. You saying you don't want to have a split home does the opposite; it suggests you'd never leave anyway.

If it's not that bad; he probably can control it more but that means he chose to gamble away your children's Christmas present money and your rent, and that will not be easy to get past either.

What is your plan now? If you're blindly believing he'll stick to your agreement; you're inviting a world of pain onto you all. He is set up to fail; and you're set up to fall.

Whisky2014 · 03/12/2018 14:22

He wont stop op. He will want to keep trying to win his money back. And if he does he will risk it all and lose it all again.

Mitzimaybe · 03/12/2018 14:27

OP I respect your right to give him one more chance but you have drawn your line in the sand and you must stick to it if he gambles again. Unfortunately he's already lying to you about it and it seems likely that he will continue to do so. As others have said, there's always a way for a gambler to find money to fuel their addiction. Just don't let him drag you down with him.

You're correct that it's an illness and he doesn't intend to hurt you and the children. However, the effect of it is exactly the same - you can't pay your bills this month and you can't afford Christmas for the children. Supposing he had an illness that meant he couldn't help himself hitting you and the children. It's really not his fault that one child has a broken arm and the other has a huge bruise on their face, is it? It's just the illness. However, you couldn't keep your children in that house with him because, no matter how non-deliberate it is, the net result is that the children get hurt. This is the exact same situation.

Eastie77 · 03/12/2018 14:28

OP asked for advice. Everyone on this thread has responded with the same guidance. OP does not want to follow the advice given and has decided on a different course of action.

There doesn't seem to be anything anyone can say that will convince the her to leave her 'D'H so I don't see the point of continuing for now except to say good luck and we'll be here in a few months when it all goes wrong again. I say that because before long the thread tone will change and posters will stop being supportive and begin accusing the OP of being an unfit parent, stubborn, as bad as her abusive DH etc. That's the way all of these threads go when the OP refuses to heed the advice everyone is giving and sticks to an alternative (bad) plan. It usually gets quite unpleasant.

Unfortunately it seems he has to hit rock bottom and drag her down with him before she sees sense. I hope and pray it doesn't get to that point but sadly I've seen from personal experience that some women do not get the wake up call until the worst happens (e.g. debt induced homelessness)

FuzzyShadowChatter · 03/12/2018 14:30

he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his.

That plus his gambling repeatedly - especially with one appearing to be linked to a falling out (which kinda reads to me like part of it is to punish you) makes me agree with others that there are red flags of financial abuse. Either you're a family and there should be family money you should have access for yourself and the kids...or you're not.

Step one, to me, whether you leave him or not, is pushing his supposedly very apologetic self to move his bank account to one of the ones set up to exclude gambling sites. There are a few, there are pros and cons that can be googled, but if he has so little self-control, he needs to be pushed to change his environment to deal with it instead. The fact he hasn't done so already suggests he doesn't mind as much as he might profess to you.

Take it from someone whose father ran up 6-figure debts for his habits, unless drastic changes happen soon, this will not end well, you and the kids will end up even more hurt than you already are, and no amount of playing good dad will make up for not being a responsible one.

ToddCrane · 03/12/2018 14:32

Oh believe me, it is deliberate not conscious, deep down they do know - the masochist mother knows deep down, as does the sadist father, they also know they are sadistic towards their children who they are training up in their dysfunctional chaos, mess and uproar of unhappiness.

OP is thieving more from everyone on this thread she knows to leave - she loves playing the victim - as a child who grew up with this dynamic - I see you!

RubyJuan · 03/12/2018 14:36

This reply has been deleted

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BollocksToBrexit · 03/12/2018 14:40

I know a lot of you disagree but I think it’s easy to just say “leave him” when you’re not in this situation, it would be so difficult for me on my own, emotionally.

The reason many posters are not in this situation is precisely because they've left him.

Your plan is to control him. You can't. You can create a illusion of control but it's is only an illusion. The minute you let your guard down reality will bite. Been there, done that, got the divorce to prove it.

This year your kids won't notice that Santa didn't come. What will you do when he steals their Christmas in years to come?