My partner has gambled all our money away AGAIN. I don’t know what to do?!

[HarperJess]

Hi, my partner has a gambling problem and has gambled all our money away for the 3rd time in 4 months. I’m talking all of it.. we won’t be able to pay our bills this month and it’s 3 weeks until Christmas so our kids will be getting nothing either.
I don’t work at the moment because we have a 6 month old and 17 month old and childcare is too expensive so he has sole access and control over our money, because technically it’s all his. I don’t know what to do.. do I leave? How am I supposed to build a life with someone who gambles everything away all the time? He won’t accept help because he’s too proud. He’s in debt, we both are. The first time it happened he lost £700 the night before we went away for a friends wedding so we had no spending money and had to eat cheap fast food all week. The second time was only last month, he lost £1,000 a week before we went to New York so again we had no spending money and it kind of ruined the trip. This time it’s before Christmas and he’s lost the money we’d put aside for that. He’s ruining everything nice that we save hard for. Sorry for rambling but I’m in shock and at a loss of what to do?!

My very best advice to you is to ;

a) Tell him to leave if its your home/tenancy
b)if you cant do (a) then pack and leave .

Trust me, if you dont, it wont get any better and your life will be hell.

I know someone like this.

They were put into the role of loser within their family of origin.

They are a reverse Robin hood of a reverse Father Christmas who takes from the poor - their children - and give to the rich -Bookmakers and rich family/friends.

They want to destroy themselves and their children they take out the envy and anger they have on the wrong people.

There is no helping them, help your children and yourself.

They often become suicidal - again this is all part of the loser mindset - they will attempt to sabotage and destroy anything good in your lives forever more, so keep contact limited, you are on the list of people in his head who must lose.

One of my former tax clients is a compulsive gambler.
It destroyed his marriage and kids kids had to become his parents in their teens.
He lives in a caravan in a layby last time I heard.
Save yourself now

Wow, I didn’t expect everyone to say leave!!

I’ve just read all of these so thank you for your responses and advice.

My problem is that I know he isn’t doing it because he’s being a dick or because he doesn’t care. He has a problem, so how can I just walk away and basically say “deal with it yourself”? He’ll sink into a hole if he loses me and the kids and things will just get worse for him. Surely when you love someone and have a family with them you don’t just walk away when they’re going through something?

There’s of course another side of me saying I need to leave now before we lose our home and everything else. I’m angry, hurt, upset but very conflicted!

Each time he’s been very upset and very apologetic, he knows he has a problem. I spoke to him yesterday and told him that the only way this can work now is if he has no access to our money at all - I’ve arranged for his wages to be paid to my account and I’ll just give him what he needs for his personal bills, I’ll sort out the rest. He’s not to go out drinking anymore and he has to get professional help.

If he doesn’t stick to any aspect of that, he loses us and he understands that.

I do feel a little like I’m giving him another chance and hoping he won’t do it again.. but if he physically doesn’t have access to our money then how can he? He can’t get loans etc because his credit is low.

Sorry to ramble! Tell me if I’m being an idiot?

Denying him access to money is not solving the problem and in a way treating him like a child. Unless he seeks help he will just find an alternative way of funding his habit. He needs to accept responsibility for what he has done and the consequences, then address it.

He will take money and gamble and drink again.

He WANTS to lose everything.

Why aren't you trying to save your children from a man trying to destroy their life?

He will get hold of money - probably loan sharks etc, or by taking out stuff in your name. And then your credit is screwed too

You’ve solved the symptoms of the illness but not the illness. He will get money again - he’ll take yours bank card, get a loan shark loan, get credit in your name - sell something from the house - something. And then he will be very very sorry. Again.

And just as sorry when he does it again after that.

No, you don’t walk away from someone you love but you don’t let that person bring your family down too.

He needs professional help but may have to go even lower in his circumstances before he lets it work.

Leave him and let him reach that point.

They can seek all the professional help they can, in my experience there is no cure for someone who WANTS to be a loser. These people get pleasure in my observation from wrecking the lives of their family as much as wrecking their own life, getting forgiveness is part of it.

It's like financial and emotional abuse S&M for them and you are not only allowing your children to be abused you are teaching that it is OK to your children.

Each time he’s been very upset and very apologetic, he knows he has a problem

Yet he's done nothing.

Leave for the sake of your children - it's no life to be constantly worried about there being no money.

You will be doing him the greatest kindness if you leave.

It will be the low point which forces him to change his ways and seek help.

It would be extremely cruel of you to stay. For yourself, your children and him. Because he won't change if you stay.

So do you want to be kind or do you want to be cruel?

Be prepared to keep a close eye on your jewellery, the kids' money boxes and the telly then.

This will not work without specialist help from gambling addiction agencies. Even then, the odds are long that it will work for the rest of your life. Every time you save for a holiday, for a special present for the DC, for Xmas, for a school trip for a DC, for a new sofa, you will have to play the odds. And I'm using the gambling analogy on purpose.

Leave, have an 18 month plan - six months of him getting treatment, a year of living gambling-free, then re-calculate the odds (but bear in mind you will always have to re-calculate if he comes under stress in any way, that is when he'll cave). If they're still not favourable, move on.

I spent half my childhood outside the pawn shop while Mum tried to sell enough to put a bit of food of the tsble (usually spam and beans) and keep the Council man away from our door.

He knows he has a problem yet refuses to do anything about it - he'd rather ruin family trips and see his kids go without at Christmas.

Taking away his access to cash will not stop him. Gamblers (addicts of any kind) are manipulative liars - it's how they fuel their addictions.

In the nicest possible way, you really need to realise the enormity of what you're dealing with. No access to cash does not make the problem go away.

I don't know if it's still possible, but my friend married a gambler and her husband even managed to place bets through Sky tv and she had no idea until they got a £1200 Sky bill. She had taken control of their bank account. She also went on to find credit cards had been taken out in her name. She chose not to report her husband for fraud so the debt had to be repaid. They were so busy paying off debt that they couldn't afford to have children. She then got to a point where so much of the debt was in her name she couldn't afford to leave as she couldn't make what had become her debt repayments without his salary. He was always sorry though. Every. Single. Time.

If she'd left at the beginning she would be in a much better place financially and emotionally.

RightOneTheEdge you need to leave this man, he's not safe to leave your precious DC alone with

Dh's brother is a gambler. SIL always knew there was a low level issue there but when she found out he'd gambled away most of his redundancy money she gave him an ultimatum which she was ready to follow through on. Join gamblers anonymous and get help or me and the girls are leaving.

He went to a GA meeting that week and it gave him the shock he needed to hear the messes some of the member had made of their lives. He recognises he has a problem and not unlike an alcoholic accepts he need to ensure temptation is out his way.

As recommended by GA SIL now controls all the family finances, he has no access to any significant money other than what he needs and doesn't have a credit card. His work credit card she has access to online to check and monitors.

It has worked well for them for the last 14 years and since he joined GA he hasn't gambled at all. Mostly I think because he knows SIL is serious and will leave in a heartbeat it he did. He accepts he does not have instant access to money. He still attends occasional GA meetings if he feels he needs some support.

I'm sorry to say you have to do the same, and mean it. If he wont commit to facing his problem you are better leaving him before it painfully destroys both of you, which it will eventually. You cant help him unless he helps himself and you are not abandoning him, he is pushing you away.

I'm another one who seldom says leave, but in this case, leave. If he can't support you because he gambles away all your money, you're better off with out him and will have a better chance of family security. And it's downright abusive to insist on controlling all the money and then gambling it away - as other posters have said, if he can't see the problem with doing this with you and the kids to support, he will never see it.

You have two choices
stay with him and he destroys you all
or leave

I think that’s a bit far don’t you? He’s actually the best dad I’ve known, far better than my own or any of the other dads I know. His children are his world and I know he would do anything for them. He has a problem yes, but that doesn’t make him an unsafe person to be around.

Harper
He will only change when he hits rock bottom.

In the case of my client it involved bankruptcy and court orders banning him from going near the family home.

You have got to make your partner realise that you value your children more than you value his need to gamble.
Only leaving will achieve that. Sadly.

But he does not do everything for them - he regularly jeopardises their home, future etc. They come second , if that, to his need to gamble.

I agree with the others I'm afraid. I understand the 'when you love someone...' thinking but that applies equally to your DC, your love for them is what should make you walk away from a person and situation which will only mean hardship and pain for them.

Also, is he applying that thinking to you and DC? Is he sticking by you all and supporting you through a hard time by blowing all the money for Christmas presents? No, he's making you all suffer for his 'problem' instead and is not even the one coming up with strategies to manage his problem, that's all coming from you.

He should be moving heaven and earth to ensure this doesn't happen again, he should have been the one putting restrictions on money and he should be seeking help from GA/Gamcare etc but all the effort seems to be coming from you. Doesn't that tell you something? PP's are right, he doesn't want to fix it right now, he hasn't reached rock bottom and that's the only way he'll make significant, permanent change, until then it will be a life of empty promises, disappointment and picking up the pieces after the latest financial mess he's left you in for you.

Don't underestimate how bad this could get either, if he can't get at his own money he will start borrowing and, with no access to conventional credit, that means he will be bringing people to your door you really don't want anywhere near you or DC. I'm praying you listen OP because this is the kind of problem which won't go away on its own, he needs professional, specialised help but he won't seek it until he's forced to because he has nothing and nobody else left.

This is he agreement we’ve come to for now.. I initially told him to leave but then the more I thought about it the more I just couldn’t bare the thought. He’s an amazing person, he’s not a lads lad, he never gets angry, he’s not abusive. He’s a normal lovely guy who has a problem.

So we’ve agree the same as what you’ve just said - he has no access to our money now, I’ve spoken to his boss and his wages will be paid to me instead. I’ll only leave enough in his account for what he absolutely needs. He has no access to credit cards and he wouldn’t be able to take a new one out.

If he gambles again, even in a fruit machine - I’m out. 100% no turning back out. And he knows that.

I think this is what I need to do for now because I can’t just give up on him.

I know a lot of you disagree but I think it’s easy to just say “leave him” when you’re not in this situation, it would be so difficult for me on my own, emotionally.

Well - you just have to leave him. If he sees from that you are seriously unwilling to go on living this way he might - just might - seek appropriate treatment. But sure as eggs, you can't be asked to live like this.

And when he has cleared out his allowance but has nothing left for travel to work, petrol, lunch ?

The best Dad ever is one that gambles away the kids Christmas presents??? OP you are really minimising here.