Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

I won £900 last month and didn't tell him 😆

He found out and was pretty annoyed but I paid for us to go to Greece with it so it's not been wasted and was actual a treat for all of us.

He sounds like a right catch. Lucky you.

As a comparison I sorted out some finance for my DH last night as his savings (inheritance from a few years ago) are not earning interest so being the tech savvy one out of us I set up a new account. He insisted it be in joint names because we are married and it is not his money. His words. Not mine.

Fantastic! Stick it in your savings account now for later. The fact you didn't tell him says a lot though. You have to be sneaky, like I did. That's not a healthy relationship.

X-post. You paid for your holiday? So he gets to save more.

@IrisLily I didn't tell him because I was going to pay for our holiday (it's my brothers wedding) as a surprise. He found out though and suggested I should do it anyway. I was happy to because he'd been telling me money was tight for a few months and it was a relief. Especially as I didn't get a wage for April because easter holidays took my hours and the weeks before my DS was in hospital so I didn't work.

Is money genuinely tight though? Do you know this for a fact? I only ask because ex used to trot this one out all the time to me, yet he still could afford to pay for his stuff. Whenever I queried it, he would always have some excuse or justification for it, because he claimed he'd factored it all in. Just asking you not to blindly accept what he says all the time like me.

Have a read of this...

thebillfold.com/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund-648401263659

@IrisLily it was right because the phone bill didn't get paid (we have a joint account) and the car insurance didn't get paid so I had to do it x

I just do not understand how you can have cheerfully got into this situation, OP.

you pay for childcare when you work out of your meagre wages - because he thinks you should be home to do it, or should get it for free from someone else.

That's his WHOLE ATTITUDE TO LIFE, right there.
He thinks if you can get it for free off someone else then that's what you should do - doesn't matter if it's ethical, moral or causing someone else hardship.

You are the person he's screwing over with this attitude. The mother of his children.

It's not "a bit tight". It's fucking outrageous and I suggest you find your anger and hold onto it tight.

What a wankbadger.

OP, you need to seriously think about the message your relationship with your DH is sending to your children. They are seeing a man who thinks he's in charge by virtue of being a man. They are seeing a man treat his wife, the mother of his children, as a second class citizen in her own home. THey are seeing their father prioritize himself over his wife and his children. They are seeing their mother struggle while their father goes about his merry way expecting her to carry the load at home, with childcare, etc.

Is this really the life example you want for them?

You need to regroup and start over ... I'd honestly threaten divorce. He'll be paying more then!

That's awesome Bobbins - it's what I want my DDs to aim for. A life chasing to catch up on credit has far fewer choices than one with a fuck-off-fund.

How do these men find women who will marry and procreate with them??

Did he cut back on any of this treats, hobbies, luxuries though?

Pallisers, I had one, and he wasn't like that at the start or for a good few years. He fooled me, hook, line and sinker.

@Bobbins43 that article is fab. I actually used to have a good savings account but it all got eaten up when I was poorly.

This is the backstory I didn't think was necessary...

In 2011 I was very ill mentally and physically due to eating problems. A while later I was physically and sexually assaulted and left for dead. In my own home. I was terrified and couldn't work or leave the house even though I was constantly reminded what happened there. In late 2013 I met my husband and he made my world right. Early 2014 I fell pregnant and 2015 we had our son. He looked after me and made me feel safe. He's a massive div sometimes and he's really weird about money. He's tried though. What he struggles with is he spent 34yrs being single and looking after himself. When we had the baby I made it easy for him by taking most of the responsibility and I've done it willingly.

I'm not going to be modest about it. I've done a bloody good job looking after our child. I've made him into a genuinely caring and kind boy and he's super happy and clever. He's brilliantly behaved too. I thought people were being nice to me by saying he was amazingly good; today I had three of them and they were all crazy except mine!

I'm sorry for your past traumas, OP. That sounds horrible and distressing.

But, even a "nice guy" can act in a fuckwitted way.

I stand by my previous post - he is not "a bit tight" he is screwing you.

34 is no fucking age, so no excuse. Life changes when you are in a couple, and when you are a parent. Your money is not "yours" alone any more than the responsibility and decisions are "yours". They must be shared and equal.

Ask him if he'd agree that your DS should treat his wife/mother of his children this way in the future?

OP, my ex-DH was very much like this too. I earned less but he constantly behaved as though I was sponging off him, even after a few months when he was out of work and I supported him.

I ended up in debt and he was awful about it. He told his family and mine that I'd been spending on clothes which was totally untrue. In the end I promised myself I'd never again be financially reliant on a man and I never have been since.

Some abusive men can sense people who have been through difficult times and so are likely to be easier to abuse.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, that sounds very traumatic. But you are making excuses for him. I don't know how old you are, but you say he spent 34 years being single and looking after himself...well, so did you (give or take a few years)! No excuses. He's an adult, you became parents at the same time and you are both equally responsible for the child and making adjustments in your own lives to accommodate the change. Not just you.

I'm well aware he's a fuckwit. I just feel like I'm constantly finding fault and I don't want to be a nagging wife.

I was simply wondering if it was normal that I don't want to pay half of things. In my mind proportional paying seemed fair but I know others who simply split 50/50 and I don't want to! I'd happily pay half my wage into a joint pot if he did. Yes he's paying more but he's earning more too.

Next time you win any money use it to start an escape fund!

Once married with kids and houses I have never understood the "my money" "your money" approach. All of our money is joint money. That means I don't actually have any money of my own but how could I have money sitting in an account that's "mine" when my life is my wife and children? I've heard women recommend always having a secret account, if you need one survey you need a new relationship!

It's normal not to want to be financially disadvantaged by having children.

It's normal to want your life partner not to screw you over financially.

It's normal to discuss things you are unsatisfied with, until you reach a mutually acceptable compromise. This is not "nagging".

Don't split 50-50 on bills. It is grossly unfair on you.

@AdaColeman I was actually considering squirrelling away my spare wages. Obviously not telling him that!

You only had 50 quid a month when off work?
Fucking hell
He is abusing you op.