Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

He sounds like a chauvinistic twat, frankly. But I would be playing the 'little woman' I think. He is the main breadwinner - and therefore should be paying for everything, including the child care - just like a proper man would. Surely your little salary should be 'pin money' and you get to keep the lot? After all, you are only doing a little part time job...and the rest of the time you are running the house and doing all the domestic jobs/child caring.

See how he reacts to that one.

stop doing stuff for him!!!!

I'm glad to see you've still got your humour considering your husband is a massive bellend OP. Don't have any more babies with this person.

Tell him no that won't work for you and you'll be putting half of your take home for the house and you'll expect half the childcare fees from him from now on. If he says no then tell him that his tightness is not attractive and eventually he'll have to fork out in CM when you leave his arse.

Love the fact that he has a go at you about being "off work" and hes had to pay for everything, and then says he dosent want you to work because he would rather you prioritise your son?!?! The blokes a knob, and a selfish one at that....

Yes. Make one leg shorter than the other.

It's for my brothers wedding in Greece so it should be done properly. If it was just a normal pair I'd be more inclined. I'll keep it in my back pocket for next time.

I honestly don't think he's meaning to be abusive I think he just has no idea how this partnership works. I've said proportionally to him and he said that's not fair. I've argued tonight that 50/50 isn't fair and he said he can't see why not.

Hang on, you already pay for childcare and he doesn't contribute to the housekeeping?!

WTAF?

@gamerchick I was all for having more and we've been trying since September 2015! Right now though the option is off the table and he's on his own. I'm putting my job first for now and until I feel more equal and respected I'm not risking my job again for another of his children. IF that day comes I'm doing it differently too and will be taking maternity leave and then getting a nursery place because I'll go in full time again after. I get 16weeks a year holiday so even a term time childminder will do.

@Bobbins43 I'm on supply and it's my friend who is a childminder so she gives me cheaper rates now and can take him at short notice if one of hers doesn't turn up. She's never really full but another girl uses her as short notice too.

Show him this thread.

Show him that every single person on here thinks he's financially abusive and a twat.

We've only been married less than a year and being a tight arse isn't really grounds for divorce.

It is actually. It's called financial abuse.

He's just not used to sharing and I think he's trying to make a point because I called him a chauvinist when he said I was choosing to work and he would rather we prioritised our son.

He is a chauvinist if he thinks you should prioritise his son while he keeps you begging for scraps (£50 a month to cover household expenses?!? Seriously?!?) while you do it. The woman's job in his mind, apparently.

OP, this sounds dreadful. He thinks paying in proportionally is unfair?!

He really does want his cake and to eat it.

He's not putting the family first. He's putting himself first.

Sharing living costs proportionately is the only fair way. That's what we are planning to do now that DH is working again after a long period out of work due to illness. I earn a lot more than he does and our outgoings would take most of his pay if he paid 50%.
He thinks that's unfair though, he thinks I should support us,...but that's a whole other story!

To him it's unfair because he's paying more money than I will be.

Also I've done his trousers wrong apparently.

LTB

Are you charging him for the tailoring?

Good god. What is it with some men who think everything has to be 50/50 as long as it benefits them?

DH and I have at times earned more than each other. We have one joint account which we contribute a set amount to each month to cover bills/mortgage. If either of us earned significantly more, we'd just recalculated our contributions or agree that one of us would pay for other things to even it out. It's never been a source of drama or arguments and when we've needed to change payments, we've just told each other and then worked out between us how we will do it.

I do find it shocking on here how many women go on mat leave/go PT/give up work with the apparent agreement of their OHs, only to find themselves the subject of massive resentment and being treated like children asking for pocket money. It makes me quite glad I never wanted children.

But he EARNS more. I'd tell him to go and eat his sodding trousers

@SayNoToCarrots to be fair he's not happy with the job so if he was paying for it he wouldn't now. He refuses payment to loads of places for doing a substandard job 😆

He's being really unfair.

Pre-kids for several years I was the main breadwinner and I fought to get my mr to agree to a percentage system. We had been paying 50:50 and it started to really annoy me that whenever I wanted to do anything he couldn't afford it.

So I worked out what the household expenses came to every month and what percentage of our total household income that was, and we both paid that percent.

Then the DC came along and the household expenses (childcare etc) went through the roof and I went back to work part time (so we now earn roughly similar amounts) and now we both keep an "allowance" (which is the same sum for both of us) from our salaries each month and the rest all goes into the communal pot.

Childcare costs should most certainly be a joint expense as it's enabling you both to work, not just enabling you to work. And if there isn't a suitable family arrangement to be made then it needs to be paid for.

A person can be this selfish from day 1 of your relationship but you don't necessarily notice it until way down the line when you have children. When you have to re-jiggle priorities, that's when it becomes apparent that the selfish one doesn't want to make any sacrifices or compromises whatsoever and the other loses out in so many ways.

@IrisLily I agree. He's actually got loads of annoying traits I never noticed. I told him today I wish he's given me a list of them all before we got married and I could have made an informed choice. He seemed to think I was joking...

Also I've done his trousers wrong apparently

Then suggest that he does them himself - after all, it's his choice.

You're married, right? Remember those vows to love, honour and cherish? Ask him if he really feels that he'll be doing right by them to ask you to spend almost the entirety of your wages on bills, whilst he swans about with £100s in disposable income?

Is he really comfortable with the fact that he'll be able to afford hobbies whilst you and your son will be in second hand clothes and unable to afford luxuries like a haircut? If I saw a man do this to his wife and child I'd think he was an abusive and selfish bastard, and I'd be advising her to call Women's Aid, find a good lawyer and file for divorce.

I think certain types of men are so scared of being rinsed by women that they demand 50/50 not realising that is potentially more damaging to an otherwise decent relationship than playing fair.

He's not budging, is he? He can't see it. How many chances will you give him? You will exhaust yourself trying to make him see how unfair he is being. He will never get it