Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

I earn about five times as much as DH. If he put all of his earnings into the family pot and I put in one fifth of my earnings and kept the remainder for me, I would find that deeply weird and unfair.

It is normal to leave yourselves with equal disposable income after all bills have been paid.

You mentioned that you will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft with part of the proceeds of your house sale.

How come there are debts if there is spare money knocking about after the bills are paid?

He's financially abusive.

My 'normal' - DH earns twice what I do. He pays twice what I do into a joint account, out of which we pay mortgage, bills, groceries. So yes, he pays more than I do. He also has more disposable income than I do, so he pays for meals out etc, and pays more towards holidays. And I like some degree of my money/his money as it means I know what is MINE to do whatever stupid thing I want to with. When we had childcare costs they came out of the joint account initially, and then we took salary sacrifice (he paid more than me at that point).

I don't have a fuck off fund, but I get why women do, without meaning they totally distrust their partners. Men are more likely than women to be able to walk away with no financial worries - they generally earn more (OP's DH can go and support himself on £48k with no savings, OP will struggle on £13k), and are more likely than women to walk away from the kids.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit because I paid my portion of the wedding on my credit card, I pay my own medical costs and for my contact lenses. Up until September I paid my own phone bill and often paid for the food shopping. Any treats for myself/dc I paid for and I paid my own petrol etc until march when he took over the insurance because he has a company car and work pays his insurance. Plus we share the car and both drive it.

I'm terribly sorry you went through all that, OP. I can't imagine what it took for you to move forward from it.

But... don't let this man treat you this way...

he's really weird about money. He's tried though. What he struggles with is he spent 34yrs being single and looking after himself.

Please. Everyone is single and looks after themselves before they aren't. Everyone. And most people don't act like this.

Stop defending his behaviour. It's indefensible.

I've made my feelings clear and he's said we will talk about when we are back from the wedding. I've also said I'm not providing all the spending money whilst we are there because the remaining prize money is mine.

What's so different about "after the holiday" as opposed to "now". Unless you are flying tomorrow?

You can sit down any time and discuss how to make finances fairer.

My dh was 47 when we married , 41 when we started a family. He had a very generous inheritance from his mum which he Immediately put into joint savings. Because he's not a twat.

On our wedding day, one of the vows that we said was "and with all my worldly goods I thee endow", in other words "everything I have is yours".

We have always stuck to that. We don't think of our earnings as "mine" or "his" or "hers", it's all "ours". It was only a few years ago that I realised that not all couples do the same!

What the OP's DH is proposing is appalling. I rarely say this, but something like that would make me consider LTB! I couldn't live with someone who had that attitude to money, I'm afraid.

The "talking after the holiday" business is classic controlling behavior, it's to let you know that HE will decide when you can talk, which lets you know just how much he values your opinion/input.

I'd be concerned he swooped in and 'saved' you.

Abusive men look for woman who have difficult pasts (usually through abuse) as they think it will be easy trap you in that cycle again.

Seriously ltb .

It's because he goes away tomorrow on a trip and then when he gets back we fly to Greece. So he's just trying to sort out his trip and doesn't want to talk about it. He's ducked if he thinks I'm sorting the travel money this weekend though. He can do it Himself or simply watch us eat whilst he waits for the scraps.

Well, tomato, use the time he's not here to sort out a list of bills, proportionate payments, estimated costs etc.

So that when he's back and ready to talk, you have all the figures necessary to have a productive discussion.

@youarenotkiddingme I don't think he was aware of his saving powers. It wasn't until I realised things were serious that I told him about my past. I wanted to give him an out of he wanted to. He chose to stay and that part of me is being dealt with separately. He doesn't even like to talk about it or like me mentioning it. The only thing he has ever said is that our child/ren never find out about it.

You can't be real?! No one is such a ninny. Why? Why are you breeding with this man? Why are you with him? Are you so desperate not to be single you rather be with someone who so obviously sees no value in what you do or has any idea of family?

My DH worked very long hours for many years, whilst I was SAHM when kids were small, and then worked p/t for a bit, and full time for a bit. He earned a fairly good wage self employed. We had a joint account and he rarely took any money out of it - because I did the shopping, bills paid online, etc and he doesn't buy much/worked long hours. I on the other hand frequently had lunch with friends, coffees out, playdates, etc. Bought clothes for myself and kids. He never once asked how much I was spending or on what, and accepted that we were frequently pretty skint but happy.

Now he has given up work; age/ill health related. I work full time, and earn good money. We still have joint account. And I never ask what he is drawing out of it or what he is spending. Because that's what happens when you are a partnership. I find it bizarre to be divvying up percentages. We did have times when we both worked - and all money just went into one account. Neither of us had more of a claim on it than the other!

I find it quite telling that you won money, kept it secret, and were relieved when he allowed you to spend it on a holiday for him.

You reckon he will expect you to cover all of the spends on the holiday too.

You are in debt. Partly from buying food that he eats.

Is he paying his 50% of this holiday or not?

Does he have debt too? You mentioned "our" credit cards.

Do you want to stay married to him ?

@NoSquirrels I'm going to work it out based on the estimates we have. I've decided I'm going to blackmail him. Either we pay for it my way (the fair way) or I will not be entering into a mortgage. Without me he can't afford the new house. By myself I can't afford to live alone but his family will stand by me and make him see that he either does it right or ruins everything. This month has been hard because we have fallen out a lot. I'm almost certain this will cause another argument but I'm going in calm. Money causes a lot of tension in our relationship because I don't have any and he doesn't have much left over after the current bills.

@BeepBeepMOVE he wasn't always like this. It's only been the last couple of months he's been a tool.

Ooh no address this now or it'll only get worse!

You can't split 50/50 unless you earn the same amount. Does he live on another planet or is he just mean?

At the moment we both contribute equally - I add up our total outgoings (even things we have individually) and we split it down the middle and put that into relevant accounts. But that's because we currently earn almost the same amount. When there was more of a disparity in our income, then we did it so that we worked out total outgoings and our total income, and split it so that we both had the same leftover after bills went out - even if that meant one of us was paying significantly more.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit I've paid all the holiday. It's only flights because my parents have rented a villa for us all so we can all go to the wedding. I wanted to say that as I paid the flights he should get the spends but he's left it till now when he leaves at 7am tomorrow to ask me if I'm getting the money over the weekend and not to forget. I've said I will if there's enough money in the joint account.

He does have debts yes. He has maxed out his credit cards and has a loan (although he said that has been paid off). This is because he didn't change his lifestyle when we had the baby and didn't consider how much extra things would cost in terms of extra council tax (he no longer got 25% discount), bills, water, food. He paid for my rings on credit (I purposely got a small plain one for £560 instead of the one I also liked) But it's all added up for him. He has a couple of weekends away every year too and they don't come cheap.

Wow. He has it good.

Are you really selling your house and using it to pay off debt from living expenses? Are you downsizing?