Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

Wow.

He has no one to blame but himself. Remember that, as I'm sure he will be applying the pressure when you get home.

Sounds like your parents have let you down, sorry to hear that.

Oh dear. Sorry OP. But the view is nice! Soak up the sun, use the time to think.

Well he chose my brothers wedding to tell me it's my fault he has £30k debt and we have no money. It's me who causes the arguments and it's me who is at fault.

My parents told my sister off for getting drunk and she told our mum that she's controlling. I agreed and told mother some home truths so now she said I've ruined my brothers wedding and her entire holiday. They clearly take DH side and say I am controlling him. He's such a good person I'm so lucky to have him and if I keep going I'll lose him. I said I was going to leave him anyway and they said they will fully support him having full custody of DC if I do.

Bloody hell, tomato your parents sound like assholes. Your sister on the other hand sounds usefully unblinkered.

He wouldn't get "full custody" & they've no idea what they're talking about. Ugh, poor you.

My sister is her best friend again today whilst dm is completely not talking to me

I've now been told to stop making a fuss and sleeping in the spare room with DS because he should be in his bed. I don't want to share with DH right now and he won't get up in the night

Ignore them. If they like him so much they can share a room with him. What a deluded idiot blaming you for his debt.

Can you come home early? Or stay away from the lot of them as much as possible?

Maybe keep a big list of why they are cunts, for future reference.

I can't fly home early as DH has the baggage allowance on his ticket and I have none. Also he has the house keys in his car at the airport. Plus I looked at ticket prices and it would have to be a London airport (leaving me 300miles from home) and cost about £300 just for me. I'll make it till Wednesday when I'm back. My new school has messaged me too and I can start in July so will start having my own money in sooner than expected!

My mother isn't speaking to me and walking round with a face like a slapped arse. I've ruined her sons wedding she said and that is unforgivable. My brother has no idea we fell out last night and the two of them even thanked me for last night at the party because I helped diffuse a situation with two sisters fighting! I did the opposite of ruin things really! Plus one girl left me with her little boy all night because he wanted to play with mine.

They've all said the common problem is me and that I have mental health problems so cause trouble for the sake of it. My mum also doesn't speak to her little sister though and treats her like crap... however when they tell you something enough times i start to question if maybe I am the problem and abnormal one.

They sound completely charming, tomato

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Consider counselling to work through for you your relationships and internalised thought patterns.

Sorry they're all such bastards. It doesn't sound like you're the problem to me.

I do have BPD though and went through therapy for years ending about 5yrs ago. My family hold it against me though all the time. What's interesting is that they think it's from childhood trauma or abuse.

I also told my mum she was a narcissist and she flipped out. That might have been a step too far!

Blimey OP. Have just read this and what a journey you've had! Well done for seeing the light and taking action. I hope you are proud.

Yes well done, you're amazing!. One day at a time, but soon you'll have your new job, your own place and a very happy home.

I'm just fed up of being blamed for everything. I've always believed what people tell me so it's a risk because I don't want to get it wrong. I don't want my DS to suffer and I don't want to cut my family out because it'll cause heartbreak. I just wish there was a way to run away together and live happily by the sea!

Home time tomorrow. My mum declared it the most amazing holiday ever...

I hope you can work through this. Go see your GP?

What will my gp be able to do? X

Reading through the posts I was getting increasingly irritated with you not being able to see wood for the trees and literally wondered if you were trolling. But the last page looks great. Fantastic decision to leave the *** and I hope you'll stay strong.

Reading through the stuff, it basically looks like you were a very easy, vulnerable target when you first met. And very desperate to have a good, happy marriage to the point of taking yourself into believing the marriage was OK despite being a victim of financial abuse and the husband being an unsupportive, selfish ***.

All this skewed perspective probably down to having grown up is a pretty dysfunctional family (based on all these comments, fights etc).

Best of luck moving out and starting the next chapter. You'll probably have times when you feel shit and doubt yourself, but I hope you do stay strong and resilient.

On the GP front - perhaps for a referral to therapy? Unless you're seeing someone already.

To be fair to him he's picked up his game the last couple of days and has already changed all banking so his full salary goes into our joint account.

He's also apologised to me about my family as they've shocked him this week with the way they speak to me, interact with me and treat me. I know we were there for my brother and his wedding but they've literally chosen every opportunity to tell me how wonderful his wedding was and how she's never had such an amazing day. She also took us to a restaurant they knew from before we arrived that she knew I couldn't eat in and then told everyone how it's the best place they've been to and best food.

It's hard. Part of me thinks jumping in to ending the marriage might be a bit harsh. I will still be moving out and still separating for a while till I am sure. You all think I'm weak and changing my mind again but I'm just being cautious.

Changing all his banking details throws a bit of a curveball... I'm not sure if I'd trust him to change/have a sudden personality transplant, though.

@JoJoSM2 I know. I've not even told him I was planning on leaving him because I didn't want to make an awkward situation worse! He's done it he said because he's realised what a shit deal I have at home and how everything I've been saying to him about them is true. He said he realises that things between us are crappy too and that he doesn't help the hard situation I have with no support.

He's shown me online how he's set up a transfer amount for the time being till he can change his details through work once we get home. Temporarily he's emptied that account into the joint one 😲 he's also said he will support me in having no contact with my mum.

It's tricky suddenly. However I'm still going to trial a separation and make him work for his family properly once we are back. A couple of immediate changes are good but not a fix for being an arse.

In good news I've lost nearly 5lb in a week because Greece thinks you eat fish whilst vegetarian and my mother agrees so I've been eating nothing but fruit and salad!

Ok.... so true to my intentions I am home alone with a sleeping child.

I explained I needed some time apart because too much has happened between us and he said no. He said I couldn't just move out because it wasn't fair on DS so he has said for the weekend he will be the one to move out so we have time apart but he knows we are safe.

He'd usually fight it and I'm wondering why he hasn't and has instead said he'll move out and give me the weekend (he's babysitting five kids[only one is ours] on Monday due to local school closure so has to be here!) should I worry there was no resistance?

Also he got the hr lady to call me abut changing payroll so he can say he has done it. Again I don't know.

Would he consider counselling with you, so you can both talk in a "safe space" about issues around fairness, control etc?

Do you get the impression he is serious about realising the extent of changes needed, or is it likely that when this "crisis" has passed, he'll still be spending money on golf and beers with the boys?

You do have more issues to resolve than just the joint account/salary and he needs to address his attitude and understand yours.