Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

so - why are you with him? does he have any redeeming features?

i£50 a MONTH????? and you spent it on the food bill

I'm not normally a LTB, but i wouldnt be planning a move with this person, i would be running a mile

Does he mean 50% of your wages each? Because that would make sense and be equal

50% of the essential outgoings would be grossly unfair

Well, if you are genuinely doing 50/50 for everything, then he should be paying you half the daily childminder rate for the days that you are looking after your DS. But TBH 50/50 is NOT fair or kind in your situation. You should be aiming to each have around the same amount of money left over after paying for all the joint stuff. I would not be above blackmail if my H did this to me, I would tell him that I feel taken advantage of and until there is a more equitable relationship I would not be co-operating with anything, no signing of mortgage or legal stuff for the new house, possibly leaving the house before he leaves for work on the days that you don't have a childminder so that he has to sort out childcare. It's a bit childish, but he doesn't appreciate the difference that you make to his life so he is treating you like shit undervaluing you.

Bloody hell - why did you marry this man? What a miser.

He's financially abusing you. He is in a position of power. What a nasty piece of work - him not you.

Well even at it's most basic, he should pay all the childminder fees.

You do your own childcare for half the week, when you are not working, he can pay for the other half of the week. Just tell him he needs to sort it out and pay or else stay at home and do childcare, as you do, for the days you are at work.

I would just stop paying it, and tell him if he needs cover, he needs to pay,

His attitude, anyway, is outrageous. Are you married?

You can't change someone who's that tight.

I'd be very tempted to split up and get him to pay child support. You can't argue with someone who thinks £50 per month goes anywhere.

LTB

Sorry but this does not sound like a partnership at all. I'd love to know what he does with all the extra money he has each month if he's not investing it in his family in some way.

@PurplePidjin I would be happy with the 50/50 of our wages going into the joint account because that would be proportional and fair. I suspect it would also easily cover the bills so we could save the rest.

@jennyyard he's just used to having his own money and doing with it what he wants. I'm really tight with money too (as my post suggests) and literally only spend what I have to and save the rest for a rainy day/emergency.

I don't understand why the childminder fees are your cost? Are they not his children?

No way in hell, OP.

If he is insisting, then you demand the smallest, tiniest, cheapest flat you can find and tell him that's what you can afford under his idiotically unfair proposal.

He is your husband! He is supposed to have your back, not be sticking knives into it for his own benefit.

The more you post the more this turns my stomach. Financial abuse. I would advise you to re post this thread on the Relationship board, you'll get sage advice there .

He's not just tight, he's abusive. He's financially abusing you.

He sounds horribly selfish. Leave, get him to pay child support. You'll almost certainly be better off financially and I would imagine emotionally too.

I will pay for the childminder when I start work. I do now on my supply wage. I don't get any housekeeping money now that I've started work.

It sounds like you pay for everything bar housing costs! You pay for his child to be cared for - both by paying the childminder & forgoing your own salary + pension contributions. Then you seem to be saying you buy all the groceries - you say you don't get any "housekeeping money" from him?

He's a tosser.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being cheap before I went ahead and said hell no to the splitting of everything 50/50. I will happily put half my wage into the pot but not pay everything I earn into the account.

Maybe I'll start charging for my services...
Ironing £10
Lunch £7.95
Breakfast
Dinner £15 (two-course)
Childcare £35per day
Lifts to and from the football £7 each way but £15 after 10pm
Cleaning £40 a week

He should pay for his days of childcare, as you pay for yours ( by doing them). It's just plain bullshit the way he's doing it now! Don't stand for it for 1 more day. Bill him back charges, even ( assuming they are his dc). This is either financial abuse or close to it. I hope you can get out of this situation without serious hardship. Definitely your dc should not be learning that the woman is responsible for half the bills and all the childcare!! Or that marriage isn't an equal partnership.

Why on earth are you paying childcare costs?

If it was me I'd be considering leaving, not moving into a new house with him

Hell yes and your childcare at at least 65£ per child per day, extra for additional hours outside 8-6.

He is a prize bellend. Do you have access to his savings etc or does he keep everything secret. Do you know where all that extra money he has goes each month?

Why the hell does he think childcare is your problem?

do you do all the housework as well??

this just gets better....

He shouldn't be telling you it's 50/50, you should both be agreeing together. Please please please sort this out with him now before it's too late. If he refuses to compromise, there's your answer. My ex did this to me when I was earning far far less than me, I was always overdrawn even though I worked like a dog and did most of the childcare and housework, while he was minted and could afford any trips, hobbies and expenses he liked. I ended up leaving him once I recognised this was indeed financial abuse. You should be a team, not disadvantaged because you earn less but do more unpaid work.

He sounds like a huge twat

We had a big fight about three weeks ago and he pulled out the card of "I've had to pay for everything whilst you've been off work" so I said now I was back at work I can contribute and take the pressure off him. He seems to have taken it the wrong way though.

I pay childcare costs because he is of the belief we don't need someone else bringing our son up and I should rely on our parents to help out until he starts school. They help out when they can but it's not fair to make them drive over an hour to get him or have him as well as three other children as my SIL uses her parents as childcare two days a week.