Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

'so I'd have to stay with someone for a while as we can't rent either because of the security concerns I have. Do landlords let you bolt all the doors and windows?'

What security concerns? Of course LL's put locks in and you can lock your doors and windows, they don't want their property burgled and damaged.

You've been conditioned by your family and his to take this abuse. Get over the Stately Homes threads, but there's a lot of background that's made you to find this acceptable because it is abuse. The fact that you think you're 'being greedy' when over 100 people have told you otherwise is proof of how conditioned you are.

'It means damaging my family, my son and our wellbeing.'

It's already damaged because your spouse is financially abusive. Do you want your son turning out like him? This is a cycle of abuse and there is only one way to stop it.

MY family say I've landed on my feet getting together with him and should consider myself extremely lucky

This goes some way to explaining why you have put up with this awful, cruel controlling behaviour for so long. Your self esteem must be rock bottom if your own family are telling you that you should consider yourself extremely lucky to find yourself in the situation you have described to us. Do they know the full story? You need someone in real life who can help you see this from an objective point of view, and it's clearly not your family.

I sympathise , it's not how people do things now .
If your are a partnership you share... you bring different skills and abilities to the table.
Is he capable of looking at this from your point of view or from a reverse point of view.
If he believes that he comes first as decision maker on money or anything else you are in trouble and your child will also be in trouble.
I would have thought that any parent would be proud that their spouse whom they admire was a school teacher ; sacrificing excellent wages for the wellbeing of children.
He is abusing you but if it is learned behaviour he may not understand ..... can you enlist the help of a counsellor to help you both discuss your differences in a safe environment.
If you were my DD in this situation I would Not be thinking you were in a good situation.

What security concerns? Because of what happened to OP when she was attacked in her own home.

OP, this is shocking. He is at best an immature twat, but more likely an abuser. Just get out now. He will forced by law to pay you more than he is now so you won't starve and it's better to go while your dc is too young to understand the dynamics of your relationship.

You think you can control him, you think you can manage him, you think you can change him. Women in abusive relationships often think this, but you can't. He isn't a good man OP and it's going to get worse.

OP he has really got you brainwashed that he is a naughty child and you are his mummy who will clean up his mess while he goes out to "play"!

^ This

STOP mothering him or finding his behaviour funny or acceptable.

^ And this.

The light tone of some of your posts and justifications related to his looks and his "gorgeous family" is rather disturbing OP.

I'd have to have deadlocks everywhere and wouldn't be comfortable having someone else with access whilst I was alone with my son. My attack happened because of rented accommodation. Whilst it's unlikely to happen again I can't take the risk with a toddler to protect as well.

He's a pain in the arse but I don't consider it abusive. I've worked with girls who are abused and terrified and broken. I'm not either. I'm just not well versed in how couples work because it's my first time in this situation. My own parents split everything equally even though my mum makes a fraction of what my stepdad does and they have never had a joint account. My PIL have a traditional setup where MIL doesn't have an income so relies solely on FIL. Neither situations are the same as ours because both have enough money to not be in debt.

He is financially abusive. But if you cannot see that (and because your stepdad financially abused your mother and your in-laws are in a financially abusive relationship, it's not surprising), or don't want to, there's nothing anyone can do to help you, because you won't change him, so best of luck to you. Financial abuse is a crime.

But how can I tell between financial abuse and just being really awful with money? It's not the first time this has happened to him? His mum told me that when he first moved out he struggled and they had to bail him out AND when he was in his 20's he was calling home all the time for help financially. It might be a pride thing maybe... I'm not trying to defend him I just don't want to jump to the most extreme conclusion.

I'm well aware he's not the best. He was a crappy boyfriend and I had planned to break up with him three years ago. He improved massively when the baby was born and when we got married but this last couple of months he's gone funny

He's shit with money.

He is bad at being a grown-up - grown ups delay gratification (golf, SKY, beer, boys nights out) in order to house , clothe and feed themselves as a priority.

He is used to being bailed out of difficulty without learning any lessons.

This all leads him to behaving financially abusively towards you and your DS.

£48K + £13K = £61K

You should have enough income with only 1 DC not to be in debt. So that argument is crap- it's not that you don't have enough money, it's that he won't accept he doesn't have enough money to lead the lifestyle of champagne & golf weekends with the lads.

He is obviously shit with money, and he is also behaving abusively. The two are not mutually exclusive.

But what if I lay all my cards on the table and give him the choice of my way or I go. Either way he's going to have to change his lifestyle. My RL friend yesterday said I'm overreacting and he's just been brought up as an overmothered man child. She said I should just tell him what I want to do and if he refuses and it's not what he wants then I should tell him I won't be helping buy the house. She said he's got no real choice in the matter and he's got to grow up and put DS first.

I think you are minimising and I think you're doing that because you're being manipulated by him. You don't see what we can all see as plain as day.

A

Your friend sounds sensible.

What is it that you want to do?

What would happen if you refused to help buy the house?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit if I refused to help buy the house we wouldn't move. End of. He'd have to sell his house for a lot more than it's worth to get a massive deposit to afford to move by himself. My friend suggested telling him we either share entirely with one bank account or we don't move. It would be cutting my nose to spite my face a bit because we need to move for school but he'll cave.

She said he's just reluctant to give up his freedom. I actually think as long as it wasn't excessive I don't mind the odd night out with friends or game of golf. We can afford it as long as it's not constant. It's being accountable he's against I think. She's known us both for years and knows his older sister. She said he's just immature

You should listen to your friend. But that would mean putting your foot down and saying "no" and I'm not sure that's part of the dynamic of your relationship.

What you need is for both salaries to go into a joint account from which you can both draw sensible spending money and if one of you wants to draw a higher amount, the other should be consulted and say they're fine with it.

Your friend is sensible and that sounds fine.

But you'd still need to trust that he had changed his spending habits and priorities, and by then you'd have a mortgage together and it would be more worry & responsibility on your shoulders if he went back to being an immature child who kept spending from the joint account on anything he liked and letting you worry about the details.

You're already in deep- child, marrried and somewhat fallen victim to the "sunk costs" fallacy- that you've invested too much to back out now do you might as well invest more.

But now is the time to take stock. Think. Is it really worth laying more trust in him.

For me, I'd want everything your friend suggested, but before buying a new house m, and evidence of at least 6 months living that way before I could trust it was sorted and working. I appreciate you'll want to move for schools ... but that doesn't have to mean you buy with him, right now.

Start making him consider your wants and needs.

He comes across as exceedingly selfish and immature, and at 37 you have to wonder is he going to change just like that?

It is within my abilities and the dynamic of the relationship I just don't do it often enough and question if I'm right sometimes.

He said about 18mths ago it was probably about time I stopped breastfeeding because DS was getting older now and most people have stopped. It was just after a woman in a coffee shop spat at me and called me a nonce because I was making my child perform sex acts in public. I refused. A year ago before we got married my family said I had to stop and he agreed with them. Again I said no and at 2.5yrs old I am still saying no because it is my child's decision and no one is going to dictate to me. If something is important to me and I'm certain I'm right then nothing changes my mind. I know it's a bit out of the norm these days exbf 😆

What I'm saying is if I have the confidence to put my foot down and say this is how we are doing things... I will do it. I do it with kids, I do it with parents and I'll do it with my husband.

But it's not really about you, tomato. It's about him.

But if I can say no on this matter and stand firm then I will make a difference. Part of me wants to be hypocritical though and just put my basic salary into the mix. I also get TLR points on top which is extra points as well as my enrichment teaching. A sensible option would be to put that into savings so I have a backup if I want to leave.

You're hellbent on improving him, I see that. I just think that when you've got a bloke so staggeringly self-absorbed and selfish that he's happy to pay just £50 a month towards food for his son and the mother of his child, and happy to insist the mother of his child pay the whole childcare costs from a salary more than 3 times less than his, whilst at the same time spending what he likes on golf, beer and whatever else, and whose reaction to being asked to discuss it is "we'll see" ... well, I don't fancy your chances, basically.

But, you must do what you think.
I'm just here to say if it were me, there's nothing in what you've posted so far that could allow me to love a man like that.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Actions speak louder than words. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Put your money where your mouth is. All these phrases have something in common.

OP you sound awesome, with your exbf and cloth nappies. Just make sure you keep one eye on reality and realise that your financial situation is NOT normal. I'm in a lot of fb groups for these things and it shocks me how many women post about their partner allowing them to buy something or giving them money to buy it. It is not normal or desirable for one partner to have full financial control and the other one have to beg for money or be grateful when thrown a few scraps.

The bf and cloth nappies weren't about saving money but more about them being pretty and me being a lazy mum not making bottles.

I think this is just the first time I've questioned it because I'm now working as well.

OP I don't think you're ready to consider a way out yet, despite the overwhelming and unanimous support from posters confirming that what's happening to you is abuse. It took me a couple of years to finally understand what was happening & to reach the point where leaving him and the misery it caused me was the only option left. I made excuse after excuse for him but nothing ever changed. It's frustrating hearing you bounce back so chirpily from all the posts but I understand why you're doing it.

Op you are as far from being a lazy mum as it's possible to be but you don't recognise yourself do you?

You will not change the attitudes of him or anyone else in your family. You can only change your own reaction to your situation.

You don't realise it but you are coping on your own anyway so living alone with your DC would not be that much of a leap.