Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

Sorry I meant joint as in that's where ALL the money goes. No secret squirrel separate account.

It's not your debt though. It's family debt. From paying for the wedding and other things where he's kept his wages and you've gone short. If he contributed fairly like a true partnership there'd be no debt.

'We've had a joint account for years now that's how he put money I. For me.'

No, for his house and his child.

'I guess I didn't want to be the one he hates for saying no when he wants to go out and his parents said it's not like he goes out every night like some men. So I accepted it.'

They collude in his abuse because they see his behaviour as acceptable. It's not.

He is financially abusive. I don't think I could live with an adult who didn't flush the toilet. I find it grim enough when my 6 year old doesn't. He is showing you that he doesn't respect you in so many ways. You laughing stuff off and saying 'it's not grounds for divorce' is sad.

Wow! OP he has really got you brainwashed that he is a naughty child and you are his mummy who will clean up his mess while he goes out to "play"! Are you really prepared to spend the next 20 years scrimping, saving and letting your child together go without so that he can behave like a teenager

He is not a child but a husband and a dad - yet you are making excuses for his behaviour so that he can keep his "play" money. - he spends double the amount playing golf than you get to spend on food.

Wake up OP - you are enabling him to not prioritise his family. Frankly you might be better off on your own with him paying child maintenance

You've also decided not to have another child at all because of this abusive manchild you live with. He spends more on his hobbies than on his own child. That's not a good father. That's a twat.

His parents are not "wonderful", they are facilitating his abuse of you by brainwashing you into compliance with his abominable behaviour.

Do they know that you have only £70 a month for food while their son waltzes off on jollies with his iphone7?
Actually they probably do know, but are glad that someone else (YOU!) cooks and does his washing for him.

pasta if you read your previous post on 01/06 @ 20:06 you say in at the beginning your DH told you he resented having to pay for everything because you weren't working and in the next sentence say that are forced to pay for child care as he doesn't believe anyone else should bring up your child. He can't have it both ways! This is controlling behaviour to take both sides of an argument as it always places you in the wrong. He also uses finances to control you.
Do not accept the financial situation he is demanding and insist on seeing all of your family's outgoings. Tell him that you are not using a penny of your wages to subsidise his spending until you see where your money goes. From what you've said I would keep an open mind as to whether his gambling might be far more than you suspect. This could be a reason why he is in unexplained debt and so secretive about it. So many of your comments are raising red flags OP

Omg! He's living it up and keeping you financially on a short leash.

I would insist on knowing everything financially and fair treatment or I'd end the relationship. There would be no 'I'll see'. Give him a deadline. You want his honesty and him to step up and be a family man, not live like a self centered singleton.

I'd want him to be accounting for what he's spending the cash on. You're being frugal and why isn't he? You need a breakdown of his outgoings. Use an app so you can both track what you spend.

So what if he agrees to pay 70% of the bills now? If he feels like spending £600 on a jolly he will, the bills won't get paid, you'll get a letter and you will pay it. The agreement is worthless.

He sees it as I've brought up how we can live fine saving money to pay off things and save. He said he's 37 and shouldn't have to live like that.

Then that means he has zero respect for his family.

He is wrong, pasta. I've been with DH for nearly 20 years and there are times when I've earned more than him and vice versa. We've always, always organised it so neither of us is out of pocket and it's been a proactive and inclusive discussion. That is normal.

Why the fuck should you have to struggle and live on nothing. Tell him to sod off. Don't sign anything. Sponging twat.

Fine. He's 37 and "shouldn't have to live like that".

Tell him to pay you child maintenance and live how he pleases the rest of the time. Separately.

Seriously, OP. I know you know this, but I'll keep saying it. NO ONE likes to pay bills, budget, scrimp, cut back. EVERYONE would like to spend as if they had no cares or responsibilities. BUT everyone else lives in the real world where they need to prioritise.

He is fucking you over cos he's a selfish special snowflake who thinks the world owes him.

I just couldn't stand for it.

Get angry. Why aren't you angry with him?

He keeps you short for things for your DC and spends more than double your food budget on phones, and then again on golf. And that's before he pays for all the rest of the things he likes.

Stop excusing him. It's dreadful dreadful behaviour- and he's 37. He's not even hit the excuse of youth.

OP, have you noticed that every single poster on this thread has said that his behaviour is unacceptable? Responses range from

"This is unacceptable - get this sorted out now" to

" This is unacceptable, he's abusive, LTB" .

And yet your response to these 250+ posts is

1. Give us a list of his justifications for why his behaviour is ok
2. Give us a list of your justifications for why his behaviour is ok

Why do you think that is ?

It's called "unreasonable behaviour" OP.
Financial abuse is absolutely grounds for divorce.

He sounds like an utter arsehole

My husband earns 10x my salary. Everything goes into the same pot. A few years ago he had the bright idea that he would pay the household bills and transfer £500 to my account. Out of that I would get the food, pay for the children's school meals, uniforms, trips, clothes, etc etc etc. I sat him down and made a list of how many ch this would cost. At the end of it I'd have £50 a week for personal expenses. He would have had around £400 per week. He decided this was not fair and we carried on as before. This is because he is not a selfish arse. Your husband is a selfish arse. If you want to stay then suggest that all money goes into the joint account. When all bills and savings are accounted for the balance is split 50/50. Make sure you have your own savings account and put some money in there too. Oh and stop shortening his bloody trousers.

@dazzlingdeborahrose I have to shorten his trousers because I'm not having him looking a clip on my family wedding photos.

I appreciate what everyone is saying and know what I need to say to him.

Leaving is not as easy to do as it is to say. I have nowhere to go and no finances to actually pay for somewhere. If it was easy I'd have just gone already. I went to my mums for a weekend when we had a big argument last month and all he did was call and text about how I couldn't take his son away and I was treating him like shit.

No one has suggested it's easy to leave. But it's possible.

People have suggested up thread about money and advice. Have you followed up on any of these ?

Do you want to leave him ?

Do you know it's possible to block him on the phone when he acts like this? I'm sure that he is capable of contacting your mother in the case of a genuine emergency .

To sum up - you earn a fraction of what he earns, you pay in full for everything that he doesn't want to pay for (e.g. childcare), you pay for half of everything that he does want to pay for (household bills), you do all the unpaid work (including personal care for him like laundry and altering his trousers) and you are the payer of last resort whenever he feels his frittering is more important than having utilities or a roof over your head.

I honestly would not enter into a mortgage with someone like that, it's a very long-term debt, it's terrible for your credit rating if you miss payments and you could lose your home. I think your life would be a long scramble to keep everything running smoothly interspersed with moments of panic when he fails to make his share of the mortgage repayment.

'I have nowhere to go and no finances to actually pay for somewhere.'

You start with small things. Go back to FT work. That gives you a lot of power. It's easier to rent a flat and get credit if you are working FT. Suck it up until you've passed probation, then get a flat. No mortgage. Just no. 'I'm not your flatmate. I'm not going 50/50.'

STOP mothering him or finding his behaviour funny or acceptable. It's not. It's abusive. And not just to you. Behaving the way he does, he's financially abusing his son, too. This twat spends more on fucking golf than to feed his own son, that would piss me off to no end.

@expatinscotland I won't be full time at work till easter at the earliest but more likely September next year. It's a school I've wanted to work at for a long time and I accepted the 0.5 position because it increases up slowly and that fits in with my needs.

I'm also not sure I'd get a mortgage on my own as houses round here aren't £50k so I'd have to stay with someone for a while as we can't rent either because of the security concerns I have. Do landlords let you bolt all the doors and windows?

I'm not ruling out leaving but it's a very very last resort. It means damaging my family, my son and our wellbeing. I'm literally the only one in the family who sees a problem. MY family say I've landed on my feet getting together with him and should consider myself extremely lucky. His family say that's just the way he is and always has been because he's like his dad and his before him.

I only asked if it was what people did now. We would still have the same money if we did 50/50 but I was being greedy and wanting to pay less.