Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

He must be spending an absolute fortune on his own entertainment if he's in debt on £48k when he minimally contributes to quite low household bills. Is it all going on golf, expensive phones and football or does he have a drink, drug or gambling problem?

@BarbaraofSeville he likes betting on the football but that's it. Golf is anywhere between £40-£80 a round and its once or twice a week. This weekend it's four days in a row! Plus overnight stays, drinking and food. X

@PaulDacresFeministConscience when we get back from Greece I'm laying down the law and stating my position. I love work. That's not going to stop. My son is going to start school in January for 15hrs so I have no reason not to.

Willing to go harsh and say proportionally or nothing. The easy option is to just pool all the money but that's not likely. In an ideal world I'm going to suggest I get control of the outgoings to budget so I'll start high with that and settle for proportional payment of EVERYTHING.

He needs to realise that these constant treats he has need to be cut down. He is still living like he is single and giving zero consideration to the financial future of his family.

He will continue to piss his money away while you live on pennies, get more into debt and never have any savings.

He needsto grow the fuck up.

Will you actually get a new mortgage, if he is missing bills? How much debt is he in? Will you have a deposit for the new house?

The fairest way to split bills is for everything to go into the same pot to pay childcare, household bills, DCs activities, family days out, a reasonable amount of food, which is probably more like £300 pm not £70 pm, work travel, savings for insurance, Christmas, holidays, broken washing machine, car repairs etc etc and then you equally split what is left for personal spends. He pays his debts out of that, as it sounds like it's been run up on his fun activities.

It matters not a jot that he works longer hours and earns more. You spend time not working looking after his child and doing all sorts of moneysaving activities, which you might not have time for when working?

That is the fair way, and if it ends up that he has less spending money than what he is used to, then so be it. Does he not remember his marriage vows about sharing all that he has? Did it not occur to him that getting married and having a child would mean that he couldn't live like a young person living with his parents any more with all his money being available for his pleasure?

We've only been married less than a year and being a tight arse isn't really grounds for divorce.
It fits the criteria of 'unreasonable behaviour'. Get out now OP!

Please don't get a mortgage with this man - there are enough red flags for a Russian military parade..

There is something very wrong with his finances - I was a crap lazy singleton about money but.....never in that much debt that I couldn't stick my insurance on a card...I would guess hes a gambler..and in a lot more debt that he says..

He is not a singleton anymore though.....either you come up with a reasonable money plan or you must reconsider how/if you want this..

We do the all in one account -however have similar financial tastes and are not into cc and debt....

In your case I would suggest you keep your own accounts for wages as I think he as more debt than hes telling you...

(have you got a mortgage yet as he will have to disclose everything for that)

then pay x amount into household fund proportional to wages
This should include all childcare/dc activities/clothes etc as well as a reasonable amount for food £300 say...just because you can make everything doesn't mean you have to and you will be working more hours soon...

We've already been approved for a mortgage so that's fine. He's not missed bills really because they've sent me the alert that it hasn't been paid and I've paid it instantly. The fact that he has no money right now baffles me and I've asked him about it more than once. It was only when I found the receipt for his night away for £600 that I went mad and told him it's got to stop. He laughed it off but I'm not letting it drop.

He's just living the single life still and taking the fun of the family bit. I'm aware more and more of his childish behaviour and I'm getting sick of it. I will sort it out and if he resents me he can. Wanting to live within our means is certainly not grounds for divorce

The more you earn the more he will think he can spend or not pay bills because you will.
He also sounds like a show off. All these trips with his mates.

He's funny, has a gorgeous family, is a brilliant dad who loves his son, he's relatively good looking;

He's about as funny as a maggot sandwich. His family knows he abuses you financially and do FA about it, I'd rip my son a new head if he treated someone like this. People who love their children fucking well pay for them, not expect their spouse to. Good looking? Anyone who finds an abusive person attractive needs some serious therapy.

'After a lifetime of getting his own way and having things done like he likes... he's crying out for discipline! '

Are you for real? He doesn't behave this way at work! He knows exactly how to control himself and his immaturity and selfishness at work because if he behaved the way he does at home he'd be sacked.

If you left him he'd have to pay for his child.

It is not your fucking job to sort out his behaviour and he won't change it.

'Wanting to live within our means is certainly not grounds for divorce'

You just don't get it. This man is financially abusive. He's a twat excuse for a father. He's a shit example to his son.

It's truly sad to see someone so deluded.

And he's £48k in debt? Jesus wept!

What expat said. I missed the part about him being £48k in debt...and you're puzzled as to why he has no money when he seems determined to carry on living a life that he can't afford and gambling cash that he doesn't have?!

I'm bowing out now, because you seem hell-bent on trying to 'fix' him. I sincerely hope that things work out the way you want them to, but I suspect there are years of hard work and nagging in front of you before the inevitable happens.

He is t £48k in debt?

Isn't

He's on 48k, not in debt I read it.

Okay, then I misread. Even if he has no debt, he's financially abusive to you. You're in denial. Your child has a financially abusive father. Best of luck.

Remember that if you left him and he had the kids 1-2 nights per week, he'd have to pay £120 a week ish in child maintenance.

You'd receive that after tax, so it's like having an extra 9k a year in salary. At which point managing on your own would be close to viable even if you weren't working full time and got no other benefits.

Add child benefit and child tax credits and you would be okay.

That's 10x as much as he gave you when you were off work.

There's plenty of money he's just choosing to spend it all.

We are about £15k in debt between us. Mine because I have had to use my overdraft and credit card for things like the wedding.

If things are so tight why is he leaving himself so much spending money?

I think that I imagined I was just being really tight by not wanting to pay the same as him because I'll not have much money left. I asked one of my friends before posting and she said that her and her wife pay equally even though she earns twice as much.

Honestly op, I know you've had a horrible time and sometimes that can skew your thinking but this is not the behaviour of a kind man. It's the behaviour of a twat.

@BabyLedWhining he spends it when he gets paid and thinks it'll be ok. He's just bad with money. I found out recently though my SIL controls the household finances and they're happy so I'm using that as an example because if his sister can do that I don't see why he can't let me. It'll surely be one less stress

I'd have never agreed to be a sahp while we didn't have a ole bank account either. He's done really well out of this.

Joint, not ole

We've had a joint account for years now that's how he put money I. For me.

My point of all this was to check I wasn't being tight. He was more than happy for me to stop working and said we could afford it. He didn't stop doing his fun things though and weekends away with the boys. I guess I didn't want to be the one he hates for saying no when he wants to go out and his parents said it's not like he goes out every night like some men. So I accepted it.