Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

Why not ask him to do the family budget?

Offer to give him whatever figures he needs. YNAB is an excellent simple tool to help.

If this situation is merely him not understanding how to budget because he's never done it then this should sort him out.

If he has no intention / capability of ever being sensible with money then he won't do it.

Best find out before you get a mortgage or joint account with him.

Sorry I was at school and teaching from 10. However I'm home now and all clothes are ready to be packed 😲 also travel money has been sorted (£100 I put in because it's for the wedding present my sister and I are getting together so I owe her it). Maybe telling him clearly works!

I have also been given a new laptop that he went out and got for me today. I've needed one for ages and teaching/planning/marking etc was hard without one. He said he was going to get one a while ago but needed my job offer letter because you get discount off them and free Microsoft office for a year if you are a student or teacher but he needed proof. Worth knowing if anyone else is thinking of similar.

I'm going to sit down tonight and explain where I stand and how I feel. I'm going to say that between now and September we pool our finances and start paying from one account so it's fair and equal. If he refuses I will refuse to go further forward.

Thank you for the advice. Xx

Have a lovely holiday and make sure to have that discussion when you get back. Also, let him put his hand in his pocket while you're away!!

Good luck with your chat OP. Try to be firm and point out that what you're asking for is what is normal and up to now things have been abnormal.

Don't mention anything about discussing this on Mumsnet.

Thank you. He threw his toys out the pram and said we need to sell the house first and I'm being unreasonable. I told him I will not be entering into the mortgage with him and he can do what he wants regarding the house. We had an offer on it today for £20k under the asking price and he's turned it down. I will be setting my terms for when we return and he can either agree with me or go the legal route.

Tonight he changed his mind about his clothes packed for holiday and wanted to take more. I said we haven't got the baggage allowance for more so he will have to take it himself if he wants it. He came out with "well there will be washing facilities on holiday so you'll just have to put a load on whilst we are there" and I told him he can fuck right off if he thinks I'm doing that and he either does it himself or goes without. He then has a tantrum and said how it's not his job and I should have paid for more baggage. I paid for what we needed and somehow my son and I managed to only take less than half the baggage allowance put together so it's not unreasonable. He's now asking what he's done that's so wrong because I'm not speaking to anyone and I'm in a foul mood.

We go to Greece in the morning and I have paid for it so I've said he is there as my guest because it will look off if he isn't there at the wedding. I've told him when we return home he needs to take what he needs and go home to his parents until I find somewhere to live. When he accepts an offer on the house I will be taking half when we end the marriage. He wants to look out for himself and no one else... he can have his way and be alone.

Oh and I didn't mention mumsnet. He'd have been mad at that.

He's nailed his colours to the mast. Hope he decides not to go with you. Who cares how it looks if he's not there? What a fucking twat. He has zero respect for either of you, it's all him, him, him.

He doesn't think it's his job to clean his own fucking clothes?

Wow.

Total arse.

@expatinscotland it'll be more hassle than it's worth explaining to everyone why he's not there. Plus I've paid for him to go. His ticket has the suitcase extra payment too so if he doesn't go I'm not sure how that will work.

@BewareOfDragons he doesn't think it's his job on holiday to wash clothes. Well guess what it's not my job either so he can either man up or do without. I do the washing at home and that's fine; this is my one week away though and I refuse to spend it taking care of his sorry arse.

It would seem he think he's entitled to a proper holiday and you're not.

I'm glad you're standing up for yourself.

Good luck!

I've just made him pay for travel insurance... he's spared us £8.41 so he's satisfied he's contributed.

I can't believe he let his own wife who works part time to fly him to Greece, pay all the childcare and then expect her to wash his clothes on holiday. That's about as attractive as a box of rat corpses.

I will not be washing his clothes. Throw them in the sea maybe! I'm not sure how doesn't feel bad about me paying for our holiday. He says it's my choice to go because it's my brother.

You are really brave , well done

His sense of entitlement, at your expense, is astounding.

He thinks everyone should make him the centre of the universe. I wonder if his sudden turn to childishness has gone about because I have started making decisions like how I don't want a baby yet, I want to go back to work and I think we should pool our money. He's losing control and I think being a sulky teenager is what has worked at home for him. Unfortunately for him I deal with ACTUAL sulky teenagers and am immune to it. I took DS out for his dinner tonight because I like to leave the fridge empty and gave DH the option to come. He said he had things to do and we'd have to wait till he was finished. I said he could stay at home or come now and he sulked... so we left him out! It's actually something his mum told me to do with him ages ago because once he realises he's missing out he'll make more of an effort 😲 it's like everyone accepts he's a toddler and throws strops to get his own way. I'm not treating him like that forever.

He's been given his one and only ultimatum and a week to decide if he wants to grow up or move out.

Op, I am encouraged by your updates.

FWIW, I think you are amazing with your budgeting, home baking, gardening, crafty skills, and un-want-y attitude to material things like wine. But you have got yourself trapped in this 'can cope on £12.50 a week' mindset which is laudable but should be entirely unnecessary on your household income. When you are working full time, how on earth will you have the time or energy to live so parsimoniously? Please see that if your excellent efforts had to be curtailed due to work demands that your current household budget just for sibsistence would be shot. This is not normal. Where is his money going? Really, where?

@SeanOSneachta I actually lived on far less when it was just me and that was working full time 7-7 term time. Living cheap has been a lifestyle choice for most of my life due to growing up with nothing. My family never spent beyond their means and so sometimes we went without because the budget wouldn't afford us things. E.g. I'd never had a proper haircut till I left home because my mum hacked at it, joint Christmas presents and birthday presents, never went on holiday till I was about 14!

I'm happy to live well within a budget but will then want to save the rest so we can afford holidays or treats. I'd like my Child to be able to do school trips or go out with friends. I'd like to simply not ever be in debt and save for the future.

Thank you for saying it's a good thing me being all savings orientated. Most of it is from choice not necessity but I agree that it's made it easy for DH to hold onto his money.

He's got a simple choice though. Pool the money from both jobs OR I go it alone. It shouldn't be a hard choice but it depends if he's willing to be equal.

'I took DS out for his dinner tonight because I like to leave the fridge empty and gave DH the option to come. He said he had things to do and we'd have to wait till he was finished. I said he could stay at home or come now and he sulked... so we left him out! It's actually something his mum told me to do with him ages ago because once he realises he's missing out he'll make more of an effort 😲 it's like everyone accepts he's a toddler and throws strops to get his own way. I'm not treating him like that forever.

He's been given his one and only ultimatum and a week to decide if he wants to grow up or move out.'

He'd have paid for just himself, too. He can sulk all he likes in court, he'll still be ordered to pay for his kid, more than he's doing now. What a selfish prick, to not even want to treat his own child. And he wants another baby?

He's not a 'good dad', a 'good dad' is as 'good' as the mother you are, wanting to do the best for their kids in all ways, not just what suits them, not someone who spends more on himself and his hobbies than his own kid.

Don't back down on holiday. He needs to get the message. He's not a teenager and if he wants to act like one he can get out.

I've just realised that says "I like to leave the fridge empty" I meant before holidays not just a general thing. It's just a hassle getting back to gone off milk etc.

He'd have paid for everyone it's just he wanted to leave when HE was ready and not when we were. I'm bored of everything being on his terms and no one else. DC was ready to go out to get dinner and I was too.

I would love to have an easy life where everyone just shared and cared but I don't think that's very usual or achievable in our family:

It sounds like you've got a grip on what you want and have made it clear to your H. Well done.

Just bear in mind that after the bluster might come the apparent cooperation. If this does happen and you're willing to play along, make sure you have a firm list of the changes that must be made and to immediately be on your guard if he tries to not comply with sensible stuff.

But the main thing is that if he does cooperate, this will only be in response to you having made the most dire threat and even then it doesn't seem to have made that much of an impact, ie he's currently weighing up acting in the best interests of his family vs losing control of "his" money. A man having such selfishness running through his veins is unlikely to really change.

it's simple you put all your incomes into a joint account which you pay all shared and child related costs from.
you both take X amount across to your personal accounts for spendsies. he sounds like an abusive bastard.

@plaintomatopasta How's it going?

Hi from zakynthos! I will not be home till Wednesday but have taken my son to stay in a separate room from my DH and on my return I will be
a) none contact with my parents
b) finding a new home
c) looking into how I file for divorce.

Other than that it's a lovely holiday 😆