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Original poster

Should we give in and get married?

165 replies

Daddog · 31/12/2006 21:05

I'm not married (but 'coupled' for 12 years) with one son and another on the way. Just spent several weeks recently going through all sorts of legal hoops to clarify our relationship - getting a will made, signing a parental rights agreement, looking into pension rights, next of kin agreements etc. - all stuff that would just be sorted if we just got hitched.

Dislike all of the historical baggage which goes with marriage - even the words husband and wife get my back up - but wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to go down the registry office grab two stangers off the street and get everything straightforward.

Any experiences, attitudes to share?

OP posts:
asleep · 31/12/2006 21:10

DP and i are planning to get married in august, a bit spurred on by a thread by yorkiegirl a while ago. just a simple civil ceremony and maybe a drink or meal afterwards. we have two children together. we have been engaged for a few years, but the reason we didn't get married so far was money. i found out the other day it would cost us £100 to get married. we should/could have done it years ago.

fishie · 31/12/2006 21:13

we've been together 13 years, one ds 20months. do not have wills yet (yes i know this is beyond idiotic). we haven't married because neither of us want a wedding and aren't religious. i'd be interested to hear what others think about civil partnerships, whether they will be extended to hets or if daddog is right about registry office.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2006 21:13

We went to the registry office and grabbed two strangers off the street - plenty of folks willing to oblige b/c they think it's romantic!

We had two young professional blokes on their lunch break.

They were STARS! I asked them. DH too shy.

They were like, 'For real?'

Yes, for real.

They were like, we need to phone our bosses.

They took photos on their mobiles and the staff gave them official letters to give to their bosses.

They were calling all their pals, 'Get this! I'm going to a wedding. RIGHT NOW! For two strangers!'

Cost £75 + rings.

Best thing we ever did!

expatinscotland · 31/12/2006 21:14

Civil partnerships are for same sex couples, IIRC, b/c they cannot legally marry.

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2006 21:14

I've been thinking about this (because of a conversation with someone else) today. My parents have 5 failed marriages between them and you'd have thought it would have put me off but despite saying in my twenties that I would NEVER marry, I married dh1 at 30, divorced him at 33 and married dh2 last year, at the age of 39. We arranged it all in 3 weeks, it cost £2k and we only invited immediate family and 2 friends, so I think it was 14 adults and the same number of children. It was a fab day.

One of my unromantic reasons was that I was doing a LOT of driving at the time (2,500 miles a month) and was terrified I'd be in a crash on the M1 and he'd have no legal rights over my life support (romantic huh?!) etc.

My romantic reason is that we love each other and wanted to be married as opposed to getting married. We'd talked about if for a few years and I just thought we should get on and do it really. We have a dd, who is 3, and I have ds, who is 9, from my first marriage. Marriage #1 ended amicabably in the main though, I think that helps.

I don't mind the baggage, I don't mind being called his wife or he my husband and I am an ardent feminst who has never changed her name and reminds callers that I am Ms not Mrs or Miss.

I earn more and if we split now I'd be obliged to pay maintenance but that's the deal, I can live with that and anyway, I am, right now, very optimistic about our future while recognising that these things can and do break up.

We've been together 6.5yrs btw, I am 40, he is 30. HTH.

Drusilla · 31/12/2006 21:17

I think you should read this

Drusilla · 31/12/2006 21:17

Just the opening post though! My link is pointing to halfway through it...

Aloha · 31/12/2006 21:19

I'd say, if you love each other, envisage a life together, marry. A civil service is very simple and surprisingly moving. Do it!

Original poster
Daddog · 31/12/2006 21:22

Sounds like a good experience Expatinscotland (ditto by the way, wasn't Leith registry office was it?).

I know it all makes sense. But, but, but... still struggle against the idea. What I like about civil partnerships (oh lucky same sex couples) is that it allows you to construct the traditions as you go along. When you say "my partner" people have to find out what that means for you - whereas if you say "my wife/husband" people will make many more assumptions about the relationship.

OP posts:
BuffysMum · 31/12/2006 21:22

we already consider ourselves married but we are doing the deed in March both for us (different reasons tbh but we both want it) and for our dds. One of the things dp says he hates not being able to call me wife cos partner sounds pretentious and uncommitted and girlfriend & mother of our 4 sounds a bit odd too! On a very serious note a would do it just for the legal reasons of better security for your children.

Aloha · 31/12/2006 21:24

Being married doesn't mean you have to call each other anything. If you want to refer to your partner/lover/other half whatever, you can. It's up to you. Your marriage is your marriage. It is unique, individual and up to you. You really can make it up as you go along.

Drusilla · 31/12/2006 21:25

But if you don't want to make a big thing about being maried, just don't tell anyone. You don't have to call her "my wife" - you can call her naything you are both happy with

WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr · 31/12/2006 21:30

if its not what you want then no. btw didn't notice ur mn id til just and now i know you are male, but didn't realise when i first read it in answer to your other thread.

notanotter · 31/12/2006 21:33

we have been together 15 years 5 children.
now late 30's i say 'if it aint broken dont fix it'

wheresthehamster · 31/12/2006 21:53

Have to agree really.

Late 40s been together 24 years, 3 dds.

Possibly consider it in 10 years time (pensions and all that) but not for any lovey dovey reasons.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2006 21:55

Yes, we married in the Leith registry office.

Where DH's birth was registered. And both the DDs.

Who knows, maybe they'll elope there, too!

Original poster
Daddog · 31/12/2006 21:57

Yes I know it all makes sense, legally and money-wise, and have looked at that previous post. But I also believe that principles are important (as important, more important, less important I don't know, depends on circumstances I suppose)....

Also heard all sorts of stories - one of a guy whose son was adopted by his ex-partner's new husband. Not sure if this is true but apparently she didn't even have to tell him, but only did out of politeness. (Think his name wasn't on the birth certificate and I know laws on this, in Scotland at least, have recently changed).

Also know that Jenni Murray recently got married against her principles for all these kind of reasons - and as a kind of god she can't be wrong... but still...

Anyway, back to Fanny Craddock on telly.

OP posts:
QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 31/12/2006 21:58

Yep, just do it. Even just for the piece of paper. You don't even have to change your names if you don't want. Costs £37.50 or something, £30 each for a licence if I remember rightly. Go in you jeans even ! No point not getting married to try and prove a point, you'll only end up the "loser", if you see what I mean.

suzycreamcheese · 31/12/2006 21:59

after nearly 20 years i'll, er we'll be doing it very very soon..for legal / security reasons, pension rights and one less thing to worry about if something happended!
finally realised you have to play the system sometimes; never wanted to be 'given' away never dreamt of a big day white wedding stuff..dp & bm in cycling gear and me as I fancy as maid of honour; no ring, cant wear them all year round!! its fun actually do it your own way..
down to post the bans on the 3rd jan ha ha can keep you posted!

Original poster
Daddog · 31/12/2006 22:00

Expatin... well IF we change our minds hang around Leith Registry office often enough and you might be the stranger dragged into a wedding...

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 31/12/2006 22:04

its costing us £30 each to post bans, £60 for the day w/ registar (England) and is cheaper or at least less hassle than few legal options etc.. wish me luck for the BiG day!

WideWebWitch · 01/01/2007 09:32

daddog, you sound as if you really DON'T want to get married. So don't! Make sure wills etc reflect your wishes and so on instead.

Wrt the adoption thing, my dp had no parental responsibility for ds (who's from my first marriage) until we were married. Being married automatically gave him PR for ds, which since he was sole carer for both children while I worked away during the week was a good thing. So that may be what happened in the case you heard about. dh1 already had PR for ds because we used to be married so that was fine but given that during the week ex dh (ds's father) was in London and I was an hour even further north, we were both at least 3 hours drive away, dp (as he was at the time) wouldn't have been able to make any decision wrt ds in the event of any emergency. So it made sense from that pov for us too. Dh2 has known ds since he was 3 and lived with us from when he was 3.5 so already was significant in his life.

averymerrymonkeymooXmastoyou · 01/01/2007 09:33

IMHO I think it sounds easier from a legal perspective just to get hitched! Like you say quick dash to the registry office would save you this hassle.

But this doesn't factor in your personal views on marriage.

averymerrymonkeymooXmastoyou · 01/01/2007 09:35

To add, I was widowed 6 years ago and if we hadn't been married the tax implications would have been unbearable and a lot more complicated.

For the sake of those who might be left in such (unlikely, hopefully) circumstances I believe marriage is the way forward.

Freckle · 01/01/2007 10:08

The point is that marriage can bring so many more benefits than those that you can sort by wills, etc. You become your partner's next of kin (which you aren't if you're not married), you have a right to be maintained by your partner even after divorce (which might not be something you want!), etc.

As Quootiepie said, don't NOT get married just to make a point. If something happened and you were at a disadvantage because you weren't married, no one would "get" your point.

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