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Original poster

Should we give in and get married?

165 replies

Daddog · 31/12/2006 21:05

I'm not married (but 'coupled' for 12 years) with one son and another on the way. Just spent several weeks recently going through all sorts of legal hoops to clarify our relationship - getting a will made, signing a parental rights agreement, looking into pension rights, next of kin agreements etc. - all stuff that would just be sorted if we just got hitched.

Dislike all of the historical baggage which goes with marriage - even the words husband and wife get my back up - but wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to go down the registry office grab two stangers off the street and get everything straightforward.

Any experiences, attitudes to share?

OP posts:
franke · 01/01/2007 10:32

Agree with Freckle. I was against the principle, tradition and attitudes associated with marriage. But once we decide to leave the UK for Germany, I pretty quickly decided that I and the dcs needed the security and the rights which come with being married.

It's a 5 minute wonder and then you get on with your life.

Judy1234 · 01/01/2007 12:04

Depends who earns the most. Would you like some spousal maintenance if you split up? You don't get a penny of that if you break up unmarried. Also do you have any assets which are not in joint names? Again massive difference if you split up over that (until Labour's cohabitants law changes come in, if they do).

Also you will have to pay Blair 40% of assets of that person who died for IHT over the ceiling in most cases if you are unmarried but your assets may well be under that level so may not matter.

Marriage is special and lovely and much more right and proper and religiously correct so hop off to a local church and get it done properly.

By the way on cost churches do not charge at all if you are very poor. A church wedding need not cost much at all. You don't even need to have guests so no one shoudl assume church - expensive £10k job, registry office not. Instead you have church lovely place much nicer proper v horrible old registry office which is a bit tacky really.

hippmummy · 01/01/2007 12:07

Are all non-Christians who marry tacky then?
I assume that no one else would marry in a church

Tinker · 01/01/2007 12:14

Like expat's wedding. Know someone else who nipped out at lunchtime and told us she'd got married when she returned. Like that but, oh, having to deal with the number of "offended" people.

Judy1234 · 01/01/2007 13:11

Synagogue weddings are great. Hindu weddings are probably the best of all.
How can atheists avoid tacky weddings? Well obviously number one pick your register office with care and find nice architecture. Avoid La Vegas. Avoid most of the foreign weddings which always seem a bit down market.

WideWebWitch · 01/01/2007 13:12

Lots of register offices are in lovely old buildings.

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 01/01/2007 13:26

Xenia, I know it's not your intention but your snobbery does make me laugh .

I think that not getting married because you don't like the traditions and attitudes associated with it is a bit silly tbh. Get married and make your own traditions, challenge people's assumptions about your relationship. Being married doesn't have to change how you relate to each other or how you describe your relationship. You could always keep it a romantic secret between the two of you.

PS, do as I say, not as I do; unmarried cohabitee that I am .

Judy1234 · 01/01/2007 13:29

I suppose I send my on line persona up, that's all. Those married stay together longer if they have children than those who don't and some people protect their income by choosing not to marry so those are considerations. The venue doesn't really matter. In fact I wish people would spend double what they do on the wedding on pre marriage counselling

NAB3 · 01/01/2007 13:32

The If it ain't broke, don't fix it line always makes me think of the people whose relationship is going down the toilet, they decide to get married/have a baby in an attempt to make things right, but they still go wrong. That's why, not because they got married. IMO.

Pruni · 01/01/2007 13:37

Message withdrawn

CatherineEarnshaw · 01/01/2007 15:35

nab3 ?????????

Marriage is such an outdated institution

There is an awful lot of bigoted ideas related to it

Successful co-habitees ROCK

NAB3 · 01/01/2007 15:38

Just my opinion.

suzycreamcheese · 01/01/2007 16:50

if had cash, kitsch would be my first choice, las vegas definately my style!!
it means what it means to you and whoever you marry, and saves a load of hassle, finally woken up to it!

catherineearnshaw - knew one at school, is this your real name?

Original poster
Daddog · 01/01/2007 18:32

Yes, as Deckthehalls puts it, not getting married because you don't like the associations that go with it might be silly - especially if something happens and one's principles come back to haunt you in someway or another.

And yes maybe marriage means what it means to you, except as Xenia puts it so much more right and proper and religiously correct if done in the church... and so yes it is still wrapped up in the whole religion thing...

... or as this thread also makes clear it is still wrapped up in the whole money thing, which it always has been with dowries and cattle and all...

Religion and money, neither really my thing. But completely agree, stupid position, but even I come round to the idea would still have to persuade dp.

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 01/01/2007 18:39

just tell them of all the less hassle they / you will have if something happens ..its a no brainer in the end and if you like a party or need a toaster..we are sworn to secrecy hell would be our 2 families together quite like the idea now !

HappyTwoFRAUsandAndSeven · 01/01/2007 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yorkiegirl · 01/01/2007 18:47

Message withdrawn

franke · 01/01/2007 18:49

Money - yes, religion - not at all for me. But as someone else mentioned, it's the power of attorney type issues which marriage confers if your other half is gravely ill or if one of you dies and there are kids to be looked after. These were the most compelling reasons for me to finally take the plunge, over and above any financial consideration.

(Well apart from the fact that you pay a lot less tax in Germany if you're married )

Twiglett · 01/01/2007 18:52

think of the tax position and just do it

southeastastra · 01/01/2007 18:53

we're in the same position (been together for 17 years) and have to say expat's way seems the most appealing!

DizzyBint · 01/01/2007 18:55

what historical baggage do you not like about it? marriage is what you make it surely. it is only a legal contract which fulfills all the paperwork bits you've just done. up to you whether you tell anyone you're married, or have a big do and what not.

StrawberrySnowflakes · 01/01/2007 19:21

we were discussing this with friends last night, i had read Anna's thread and was in back of mind about looking into civil ceremonies...mentioned it (in pub last night, to dp and friends at same time..oops)..and although me and dp have said from early on we didnt want to be married, i didnt realise there were 'issues' behind it..apparently i once said i wouldnt take his surname(i had my name changed by deed poll 12 years ago and took my mothers maiden name, which i love as it was also my dear grandads surname)..this seemed to be a bit of a 'wound'?...but i did let him know that i have considered taking his name,even without marrage as im always getting calldmrs xxx at dd's school and everyone just 'assumes' these days that hes my 'husband and i his 'wife'..will have to see what i can find and what beneifts there are?

suzycreamcheese · 01/01/2007 20:10

what is the tax position? seriously, what changes?

Original poster
Daddog · 01/01/2007 20:19

From what I understand, Suzy, at the moment there is no tax advantage to being married (while you're alive at least, if one or other of you die then that is where it becomes very significant, as Yorkiegirl says - and thanks for the msg btw).

The income tax advantages were written out several years ago, although there are always suggestions that they will be brought in again. But not 100% sure so happy to be corrected if I'm wrong about this...

StrawberrySnowflakes, if some one calls my dp Mrs Daddog she always snaps back "there's no such person as Mrs Daddog." Means delivery drivers sometimes get all confused but...

OP posts:
StrawberrySnowflakes · 01/01/2007 21:00

yeah..i go..actually its miss xxx..them: pardon?..er...dur fgs everybody doesnt have to be a mrs doncha know!!!