Should we give in and get married?

[Daddog]

I'm not married (but 'coupled' for 12 years) with one son and another on the way. Just spent several weeks recently going through all sorts of legal hoops to clarify our relationship - getting a will made, signing a parental rights agreement, looking into pension rights, next of kin agreements etc. - all stuff that would just be sorted if we just got hitched.

Dislike all of the historical baggage which goes with marriage - even the words husband and wife get my back up - but wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to go down the registry office grab two stangers off the street and get everything straightforward.

Any experiences, attitudes to share?

Daddog isn't sure if he is qualified to comment on wifework - isn't one telling sign of it that men by and large don't notice it happening but would miss it if it stopped? But I think and hope that a fair amount of mutual support goes on for cohabiting couples, including soothing each other's egos. You'd have to ask "There is no such person Mrs Daddog" how equal she felt it was...

And in passing on bra burning - I teach HE and am always shocked at how anti-feminist my students are. A good number of them are pretty sure that equal gender rights have been achieved and that any that haven't are god given.

Fennel, you do not have to promise lifelong anything in a civil ceremony. It just asks you to confirm you want to enter a legal agreement.

daddog..what the monkey is HD; and suspected that of younger generation sorry er rl taking me over and out..not even got started..

thanks Aloha. am trying to brainwash myself that it's just an insurance document, then we might be able to gear up to doing it. and then filing it away in a back drawer and trying to pretend we are still free radical spirits

For me - I wouldn't want dh's MIL to get the main say over his medical treatment if he was critically ill. I wouldn't want to wonder if he would have had a better chance if I had been allowed to make the decisions.

That's not about money, or about having to put a person first, or doing wifework - that's a pretty selfish motive actually when I see it written down like that (but it's not supposed to be).

The next of kin thing is tricky because officially, the NHS guidelines are to accept cohabitees as next of kin. And there are forms you can fill out stating your wish for this - we've done it. Some medical staff know this but most don't. So it might be a problem, but officially it shouldn't be.

It seems even more irritating to get married for something which legally you do already have access to, such as next of kin, but which most people are wrongly informed on.

daddog..meant to say what is HE? what do you teach? dont get feeling that 'the kids' are political at all ...

Yes, but what about if you were overseas or something - presumably different rules in different countries?

sorry was busy last night! Which part of the church/God argument is the isuue?????

I personally had an issue getting married (again) as a christian to a non-christian which is insane when we live together have dc together etc but it was a big thing to me. Finally got my act together when someone pointed out my mistakes (leaving ex-dh, shacking up with a non christian etc) were in the past & forgiven, God is for marriage so what's the problem - hmmm good point so we're getting married and were both happy about it.

What I found hilarious in the conversation was that they asked me if I knew it wasn't biblical to live with someone (or have sex outside of marriage for that matter) - of course I replied, well apparantly lots of "Christians" don't seem to have read that bit........

Anyway if you don't believe God then it's not an issue anyway.

The church that a go to (not ever asked to become a member cos I thought it would put them in a tricky situation re my non-marital status) are absoulutely thrilled for me - can't do enough to help.

just wanted to add I still get moments of being terrified at the thought of making those vows tho twas a registry office first time around. Guess I'm taking it very seriously!

Fennel, there are lots of misconceptions about marriage vows. You don't have to do the 'death til us part' thing or even promise to be faithful. Actually the only things you both have to say are these:

In England and Wales the statutory declaration is:
"I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, [your name], may not be joined in matrimony to [your partner's name]."

followed by these contracting words:
"I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, [your name], do take thee [your partner's name] to be my lawful wedded husband [or wife]."

Thosugh most people opt for a bit more!

I also had a lovely humanist ceremony (not hippy at all, honest) and funny readings from friends and a lot of champagne, which was nice.I am severely remiss in the wifework department, I think. I did more housework & cooking when I lived with previous boyfriends, but that was because I didn't have any pesky kids getting under my feet so could enjoy making my designer flat look beautiful and make my own blooming pastry.

aloha, i think i would like to have had humanist ceremony if organised etc though only thought they were for deaths
sounds a really nice day and celebration

I just wish the state would stick to civil unions and leave the marriages/weddings to the religious institutions

I don't!

Some of us who don't believe in God or organised religion like to get married, too.

The state gives us that option.

just to go back to the financial aspects of marriage If you are married and you die your estate goes to the husband/wife without inheritance tax being payable. But if you are not married then if the estate is worth more than £285,000, sounds a lot but will include your house, then inheritance tax is payable at 40% on the whole estate not just the bit over £285K.

Don't really mind paying tax (except for the bit that gets spent on Trident obviously) although seeing as my entire estate would come under the inheritance tax threshold then it should be clear I don't pay much anyway...

... might have run out of things to say about marriage... want to take a (non-binding) vote? Should Daddog and "I'm not Mrs Daddog" get married?

In the end it comes down to what in your heart you want to do.

I have a very similar dilemma we are fine not married unless we get really ill or even worse die, not very romantic I know.

daddog..why am i going to bother taking part in a non binding vote? can do that every four years in rl ta
make the vote count and i'll do it! ya wimp

If Daddog and his non-missus decide to get hitched, DH and I will offer to take time off work to stand as witnesses.

To return the favour done to us!

And FWIW, DH and EIS keep secrets as long as someone wants.

I've got a couple that are going w/me to my grave.

you guys all know each other?

No.

I'm a stranger.

dont go all jim morrison on me

Mmm, Jim Morrison was hot before he got all bloated.