Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Should we give in and get married?

165 replies

Daddog · 31/12/2006 21:05

I'm not married (but 'coupled' for 12 years) with one son and another on the way. Just spent several weeks recently going through all sorts of legal hoops to clarify our relationship - getting a will made, signing a parental rights agreement, looking into pension rights, next of kin agreements etc. - all stuff that would just be sorted if we just got hitched.

Dislike all of the historical baggage which goes with marriage - even the words husband and wife get my back up - but wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to go down the registry office grab two stangers off the street and get everything straightforward.

Any experiences, attitudes to share?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 03/01/2007 21:30

Hmm I have re-read that Marriage thread. To summarise, here are some of Morningpaper's Reasons Against Marriage:

  1. I don't feel I can honestly promise to love and stay with the same person for the rest of my life.
  1. Marriage would change our status not just legally but also sub / un / consciously.
  1. We are both children of divorced parents. I have my own baggage about marriage, and DP has his own baggage about marriage, and both of our baggage includes divorced parents, and we are both divorced ourselves, and all of this massively increases our likelihood of splitting up if we DO get married.
  1. The Marriage comes complete with family and cultural baggage. When you are married it feels as though the relationship comprises three parts - The Wife, The Husband and The Marriage.
  1. The church does not really recognise second marriages (you can't marry in church)
  1. It probably isn't very clever to stand in front of God and make the same promises untildeathdouspart - you know, like AGAIN
  1. I like having a special bond with my ex-spouse that I don't share with anyone else, because we are still very close
  1. Being an unmarried family in a church environment is very big statement to make. It is controversial and I like being an example of an alternative family unit to my children.
  1. I like my children not to think that life is a fairytale where you get married and live happily ever after. I don't want them to be obssessed by the marriage "thing" and think that it is a rite of passage that they have to go through to validate themselves, their relationship or their families.

  1. Getting divorced was the most stressful experience of my life. It is hugely symbolic and devastating for families.

  2. It will mean either lying to our families or hurting our families - we would not want 'a wedding'.

  3. Housework is Wifework: Studies generally show that marital status affects women's household labor time but not men's.

Having said that, we will probably do it at some point this year.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2007 21:34

'5. The church does not really recognise second marriages (you can't marry in church) '

Sure it does!

My marriage was annulled on the basis of my ex spouse deciding, after our marriage, that he never ever wanted children.

Although DH and I had a civil wedding, we could marry in the church and it would be fully recognised.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2007 21:35

I agree, my divorce was painful and stressful.

But it was MY divorce, not DH's.

He wanted to marry, too, to have that experience.

I didn't want to let my past ruin my present and future, or my childrens', for that matter.

At the end of the day, yes, it's painful and stressful, but it's MY baggage. If I have issues w/that, they're mine and I need to see someone to work through it all.

morningpaper · 03/01/2007 21:41

It doesn't recognise second marriages expat - it didn't recognise your FIRST marriage. So you only had ONE marriage.

Original poster
Daddog · 03/01/2007 21:42

I think MP's reason 4 - cultural baggage - is the most significant for me by far... that and the idea that it has anything at all to do with the/a church. I do think that 'husband' and 'wife' are amongst the most loaded in the language, and for me negatively loaded. I cringe everytime someone (mistakenly) refers to 'your wife'... that cringe is probably another big stumbling block.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 03/01/2007 21:45

me too daddog

"Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?"

All I hear is "WIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFE"

Makes me want to run away screaming

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 21:48

so, spinster is sexy word then?
i would've been spinster of the parish, nearly forty..now am engaged to be married to a lucky dr creamsheets..
sod berketex bribe, living the dream i am..

Original poster
Daddog · 03/01/2007 21:49

People don't generally go round calling other people 'spinster'... do they?

OP posts:
BuffysMum · 03/01/2007 21:49

To throw a spanner in the works the church may not recognise your marriage/divorce or whatever but that is an institution. God is a different matter - don't get the two confused!

God created marriage he is for it and he forgives us our mistakes.

Original poster
Daddog · 03/01/2007 21:52

Another annoying thing: those forms that have boxes saying, married or single... when neither apply...

Recently some have had 'civil partnership' as an option, which is the one I'd really like to tick. I used to say that I wouldn't get married unless same sex couples had equal rights with heteros, now I think they're in a better position.

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 21:53

well technically its true and read alot of thomas hardy at one point and tis fair description ..at least dp could be a bachelor boy..like yourself daddog..

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 21:54

buffysmum your scarying me..what do you mean?

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 21:57

daddog..you sound a gob like me..

oh, and those boxes where nothing is relevant is just the point of it all really; if you are not married then, to them you ARE single. There is no commonlaw like we think there should be..wake up & smell the confetti my man...have yerself a party w/ mistress daddog

Original poster
Daddog · 03/01/2007 21:58

That argument, Buffysmum, is part of the problem.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/01/2007 22:52

Well it's a good thing I became a pagan then, MP .

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 22:54

daddog..are you off, down on one knee?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2007 22:56

I don't understand what the big deal is, but I guess it really freaks some folks out.

To each his own, I guess.

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 23:04

neither do i understand what the big deal to be married was..is that what you mean..

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 09:22

Well, I mean it as in, if you've already had a child w/someone, that's a HUGE commitment. They'll be in your life forever, pretty much.

To me, having a child w/someone is a bigger commitment, if you see where I'm coming from.

Sorry, I'm not making this very clear . . .

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 11:15

yes you are, and i agree, child came and have now got sensible sometimes and its now countdown to big day..call the florist,no; cars no; major financial haemorrage - er,no - it all makes perfect sense to do it this way!

motherinferior · 04/01/2007 12:13

My children demand a commitment to co-parenting. They don't demand some kind of lifelong commitment to their father.

I'm not doing it, it's too cringeworthy. And in any case my relationship history is so dreadful that I cannot face the humiliation yet another breakup being compounded by a divorce, I really can't.

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 12:24

mothersuperior..sounds like you've been there and back through the wringer again..

motherinferior · 04/01/2007 12:26

No, I'm just gloomy Actually my partner would quite like to get married, but really I can't face it.

grouchyoscar · 04/01/2007 12:59

If you do it, do it on your terms and for you reasons.

I got married 12 years ago while on holiday in Vegas. If I hadn't been there I doubt I would be married now as I couldn't face the idea of the fussing and dysfunctional family bull poo.

What's wrong with a small service at the registry office with a couple of strangers/close friends.

Plus other threads on MN have highlighted the myth of 'common law' rights etc.

Sorry if I've landed on this thread at the wrong time, I've been unable to read it all. Hope I haven't caused offence.

All the best whatever you decide to do

fennel · 04/01/2007 13:06

It's hard to do it on your terms if you think the idea of promising lifelong commitment is unrealistic and that the idea of a perfect lifelong soulmate is romantic codswallop.

When I think about whether we should get married to buy into the pension and national insurance type benefits, it feels like committing fraud, promising something we actually don't believe. It would actually be quite easy instead for the government to extend, say, widowed parents allowance and pension rights to nominated cohabitees, other countries do it, but the UK doesn't. It's not hard, Australia, New Zealand, and France have ways of accomodating cohabitants. And it is far more suitable for those who really do not feel ideologically or emotionally comfortable with all the baggage of marriage as it is historically understood.

Swipe left for the next trending thread