Please or to access all these features

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels part 4 xxxxx

770 replies

littlebellsmum · 13/03/2009 20:44

Less sadness, more joy but always lots of lovely people who understand

OP posts:
GracieGirl · 22/03/2009 22:01

Bionic I hope all is ok with your scan tomorrow.

I've been really grumpy today, I think the Mothers Day thing has got to me a bit. Just burst into tears over something completely unrelated and quite trivial.

GracieGirl · 22/03/2009 22:17

2ndDestiny - Are you me? You sound very much like me! We were probably due the same week but had my scan a week after you. I too got pregnant just after my honeymoon on the first cycle of TTC. I was quite nervous about the idea of being pregnant before it happened, I work full time in a stressful job, have a full social life and my husband works away, but the second I started to feel a bit funny a week before my period was due I was 100% taken over by the whole thing, it was just perfect. I was happy to give up my whole career and completely change my idea of a social life. Even my best friend was giving up a day of work each week so he could help with child care. And now - there's a baby shaped hole in my life, I'm back at work but I have no enthusiasm for it, and I'm pi**ed off that I've ovulated this weekend and my DH is miles away. I have no reason to worry about getting pregnant again, but I don't want to start again, I want to be 16 and a half weeks pregnant where I should have been this weekend, getting excited about Mothers Day.

2ndDestiny · 22/03/2009 22:59

Gracie Sounds like we've had a very similar experience.. I know exactly what you mean. I was walking round the park today trying to enjoy the warm weather with DH, watching all the families with babies and small kids... but kept thinking, I should have been proudly sporting a 17.5 wk bump by now... it haunts me every day. My EDD was our wedding anniversary which somehow makes it more poignant. Sorry that your DH is away, I can understand that it's frustrating missing out on TTC - but it's good that you are ov... am still waiting for my cycle to get started again...

Btw BlueMoon and Littlebig, I've also had crampy pains and soreness in the abdomen on and off since my mc, even though it was weeks ago... In my case it turned out to be (sorry if TMI) a urinary tract infection prob'ly caused by the ERPC, am now on a course of anti'b's. Was much more worried about having an infection in my womb so very relieved to find out it wasn't that and won't affect fertility... but my point is, might be worth telling your gp and getting swabs taken if the pains persist.

good night all x

happyjules · 22/03/2009 23:30

Goood evening every one I hope you've all survived the comercial fest that is Mothers day as we know it. I would like to share with you a poem that was written for me by a very dear friend just after this miscarriage and I hope you can take some comfort as I have.

The unfinished story - for Julie

Life is like a tapestry
With many coloured threads.
Each colour tells a story
Of the things we've done and said.

How hard it is to lose a babe
No matter at what stage.
To see a story just begin
Then grief on every page.

A story hardly started,
A body still to grow.
Memories not created
A life you'll never know.

Creator God who makes all things,
And loves mankind so much.
How could you let a little one
Not feel her mothers touch?

"I know of pain and heartache,"
Says the One who made the earth.
"I watched my Son die on a cross
because of what your worth.

Step back from life to where I am
And we will go together -
Lifes journey has it's highs and lows
But I will leave you never.

The tale begins with life on earth
But doesn't finish there.
For those who chose to walk with me
I offer life elsewhere.

The tale continues to unfold
As life goes on forever.
Your little on lives on with me
And she will leave me never."

Like I said this was written especially for me by a very dear friend but I felt it was too good to keep a secret, enjoy.

MummyLovesSadie · 23/03/2009 07:47

Oh God Jules that has made me cry reading your lovely poem... & I thought I was feeling much better!

Sorry ladies for not posting for a while. I've been lurking & reading the thread every day but I've been massively busy doing things in the garden in this lovely weather & have so far successfully been able to block out all thoughts of due dates/how many weeks I'd be now/how big my bump would be etc etc. I've also been doing my temps & discovered I ov'd a few days ago so managed to fit in one bd the day before so I've been trying to think positive baby thoughts.

Sad welcome to all the newcomers, you are in a very warm & comforting place - the right place for you all right now.

kate030284 · 23/03/2009 09:07

hi girls

sorry not been on in a while . hello to all new ladies and welcome .

hi bionic hope scan goes ok and im going back to work tues im scared i went into work the other day and got really emotional stupid girl had no reason to had a wedding stuff filled day that day lol

hope everyone coped ok yeatersday as i found it quite hard as had to go to church for wedding banns and the service was all bout children and mothers and how amazing it is to have a family. i just cried into the hynm sheet .

big hugs to everyone xxxxxxx

Littlebig · 23/03/2009 16:19

Hi,
Thank you to all the responses, am having a blood test in a couple weeks to check hormone levels etc back to normal, will ask GP about it then.
Yesterday was hard got teary over hymns (kept referring to mothers who had loved and lost) in church, but luckily my toddler was there to keep my spirits up! (She kept shouting out during prayers and shouting No at the vicar!)
xxx

littlebellsmum · 23/03/2009 21:06

Evening ladies - 2nd destiny, welcome to our cave and very sorry for your loss.

As you will know with your lurking, we all know pretty much exactly how you feel...

I agree with you , Graciegirl - I don't want to be ttc, I just want to be about 16 weeks pregnant now, which is where I should be . I want to be past the am I / am I not stage, the feeling crappy and well into the blooming stage. I want to be telling the world, rather than getting fat on mini eggs. I want to be planning maternity leave.

Rant over!
MLS - good to see you back. Hope the bd worked.
Hope work is OK, Bionic and Kate

OP posts:
gigglewitch · 24/03/2009 00:46

another one joining the "I wanna be 16wks pg" notion. Bump envy and everything. Instead I'm waiting for surgery - at best d&c, at worst, well worse

Feel for you all. All we can do is keep sticking together eh girls...

Neeko · 24/03/2009 09:33

Hi everyone. I've been reading this for the last few days and it has really helped me. I discovered I had a MMC ten days ago (thought I was 12 weeks but baby stopped growing at 9wks 1d)I had a D&C on Mon 16th- the day after I found out the baby had died and now i really don't know how I feel.
My best friend is pg and has the same due date as I had (which is also my 2 year old daughter's birthday) but friend has no idea I was pregnant. We were both due to have 1st scan on Thurs 15 mins apart and I was planning on telling her this week so it wasn't a big susprise when she came in for her scan. I feel so cheated and yet so happy for her. This is her first baby and i have all my fingers and toes crossed for her but secretly hope that she has her dates slightly wrong just so her EDD isn't the same as mine was.
I am planning to go back to work on Thurs as I can't face sitting at home thinking I should be having my scan now or waiting on her text.
Is it wrong to just want to fall pg again immediately? It seems to be all I can think about and then i feel guilty because it's as if I'm trying to replace my lost baby and I'm not but I ache to be pg again.
So confused

GracieGirl · 24/03/2009 10:46

Neeko welcome to our thread and big hug! Of course its not wrong to want to fall pregnant again immediately. Physically I don't think you'll get pregnant until your body is healthy and ready for it again which might take a few weeks even if you're not anaemic and there were no other complications. I didn't ovulate until 6 weeks after my ERPC for MMC at 11 weeks. Emotionally you are not trying to replace your lost baby, this will be a new one entirely who you will love individually. I think there is something strange about a MMC as you get to find out almost the exact day your baby died. I then counted those lost weeks in my panic to get pregnant again. I remember writing back on thread 3 how annoyed I was that I couldn't even miscarry properly.
Getting pregnant again won't stop you remembering your lost baby and we'll all still be here on your due date to hold your hand.

Bionic how did your scan go?

Kate - good luck for your first day back at work. I wish I could come with you and hold your hand.

MummyLovesSadie · 24/03/2009 12:17

Neeko you are not wrong to want to get pregnant asap. I am the same, as well as many other ladies on this thread. I had mc nearly 6 weeks ago & am already ttc again. I ovulated last week so am now just waiting to see if we were lucky with our 1 bd the night before. I have just come downstairs after putting my dd down for her nap & immediately did a pg test..... silly me of course I'm not going to get a bfp yet as my period isn't even due until next week! That shows how desperate (& slightly neurotic) I am now.

I sympathise with you for having a friend who is pregnant, I have two good friends who are pregnant & while I'm happy for them, I really don't want to look at their bumps & be reminded of the fact that I don't have one.

Neeko · 24/03/2009 13:32

Thanks to both of you for your nice comments. It's good to know that I'm not crazy -or if I am it's not just me!

MummyLovesSadie that the kind of neurotic thing I'd do. in fact I've had to physically restrain myself from buying more pregnancy tests even though it'll be a while before I need them again.Hopefully next week you'll have a bfp and we'll all be so happy for you. (These abbreviations take a bit of getting used to!)

I've fallen pregnant really easily with both my daughter and the baby I lost and I'm really scared that I can't trust my body now. It's let me down before and statistics say there's the same chance that it'll let me down again. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers.
Does anyone have any tips for surviving the first day back at work?
Sending positive thoughts to all...

GracieGirl · 24/03/2009 13:48

I think you're probably right Neeko we are all crazy!

First day back at work, not sure, do any of your work colleagues know whats happened to you? Just don't go back till you're ready. I work in A&E and my first day back I had to look after 3 people having miscarriages, 2 ectopic pregnancies and a woman in labour! Take lots of tissues and tell everyone you have conjunctivitis?! Then come home at the end of the day and have a rant on Mumsnet about it!

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/03/2009 13:54

I think im an offical weirdo. Saw a girl i know in town today, she is same age as me (24) and pg with her 6th now, walking up town smoking, calling her 3rd boy a C*, i wanted my baby you know and would have done anything to keep him/her safe in my tummy.

Sorry i am not meaning to offend any smokers or anything, im really not, i just dont understand how some can be so blase about their babies in their tummies when i just wanted mine.

Should be having a scan this week and finding that thought hard.

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/03/2009 13:54

I think im weird because i am almost jealous of her.

GracieGirl · 24/03/2009 14:04

oh Scorpio you're not weird (no more weird than the rest of us anyway!). You stay here with us, we'll look after you.

I've just bought myself some mothers day flowers at half price (its ok I'll remove the Happy Mothers Day label else my DH might get me sectioned!)

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/03/2009 14:05

am crying today about it for the first time in a while.

Neeko · 24/03/2009 14:13

scorpio I know exactly how you feel. When I left the hospital after having the scan that told me about mmc I had to walk past several very heavily pregnant women in the smokers shelter. I just wanted to shout at them. My baby was planned and I was very careful - even down to sneaking de-caf teabags into the tea canister at work! -and it just seems so unfair that some women can carry healthy babies without worrying bout what they put into their bodies.However probably not healthy to dwell on it.

GG Selected people at work know and have been very supportive. No one is rushing me back but think it might help me to feel 'normal'again - whatever that feels like! I'm a teacher though and have a real fear of bursting into tears in front of a class. On the plus side work is very full on so might provide a welcome distraction?!?

MummyLovesSadie · 24/03/2009 18:06

Neeko when you go back to work you should hold a metal pencil sharpener in your hand & if you feel like crying dig it into your skin..... either that or throw it at the annoying brat spirited child at the back of the class! That should do the trick!

kate030284 · 24/03/2009 18:07

hi girls here goes im just about to go to work for my first day back i feel so werid slightly emotional but i just want to get back to normal routine . i hope i dont have a shift like yours gracie . il phone ya if im a blubbering mess lol xxxxxxx

hope everyone is ok

MummyLovesSadie · 24/03/2009 19:25

Good luck Kate, it will probably do you loads of good.

BlueMoon1981 · 24/03/2009 19:42

evening all, sorry not said hello for a few days, but been thinking of everyone.

scorpio and neeko i'm on the same wavelength too, it seems everywhere i look there are crowds of teenage mums with unplanned babies,who don't seem bothered either way whether they have kids or not - how come they're so lucky and we're not? (no offence to any teenage mums). my baby was planned and i was so careful about what i did and ate, i would have done anything to keep him in there. when i was bleeding and i knew i was losing my baby, i used to rest my hand on my stomach and tell him i would do anything if he just hung on - i would have given him my heartbeat if it was possible.

mls its taking all my willpower and restraint not to do a pg test, i keep thinking about it, but i am gonna wait and try not to tempt fate too much, even though its killing me!

keep your chins up everyone it'll be our turn soon xxxxx

Neeko · 24/03/2009 20:11

Hi everyone.
Feels so good to know that others out there know how I feel.
Kate good luck for your shift. Have my fingers crossed for you.
MLS love the pencil sharpener idea - even allowed myself a teeny little fantasy about which pupil to aim for, so must be picking up!!!
Bluemoon and Scorpio I'm feeling positive tonight so our time will come - for everyone on this thread I hope.

Definitely feel stronger since making contact so thanks everyone. Thinking of you all.

2ndDestiny · 24/03/2009 20:18

Evening all and thank you for welcoming me to your cave. Think I will stay for a while if no-one minds. Hope everyone's ok this evening.

Neeko everything you said just really struck a chord with me. I also felt completely cheated, especially because for weeks I was wondering around thinking I was pregnant and making plans and not realising that the baby had already died. Also felt in a complete mad rush to conceive again, as if that would fix everything. Don't feel guilty about it, I think it's normal and it doesn't mean replacing the baby you lost - it does subside a little after some time - well I still want to conceive again but am trying to force myself to relax about it (in as much as relaxation can be forced!) because my body is taking its time to get back into a normal cycle.

scorprio and bluemoon I know what you all mean about the bump envy and seeing pregnant women casually smoking - before I would have thought oh it's none of my business but now it just seems so royally unjust that they still get their babies and we lost ours.

Good luck to kate going back to work and also to MLS and bluemoon on the 2ww already

right, my best work friend has ordered pizza so I'm off to stuff my face (in total violation of Zita West's rules for getting pregnant! Oh well...)