emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

[EisAHandbagaHolic]

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

Hi

Had my ERCP this morning and I do feel a lot better. Already feel more ositive about everything and that I can suddenly start looking forwards and put what has happened out of my mind.

I was the only patient on the day surgery ward today, so it was all nice and quiet with all of the ward staff dedicated to looking after me! Like going private but without any expense.

Feeling a little bit sore, but a lot better than I expected to.

They said I shouldn't think about going back to work until Thursday at the earliest - does that sound about right to those of you who have been through this?

Hi Lix, I had my ERPC a week ago today. Like you I felt more positive immediately and actually quite guilty about not going back to work. But a little warning....the hormones will potentially have your emotions all over the place in the next few days. I am back at work today and I did a couple of hours from home on Friday but wasn't very productive. Today feels like the most normal day I have had for ages. I was glad I took the majority of the week off which was as advised by the hospital. I know everyone reacts differently, and I don't want to make you feel glum, but don't rush back straight away in case you have a few wobbles later in the week. Sending you big (((hugs))) for a speedy recovery.

Hi Lix, glad it went okay and that you're alright... Everyone's different, but I took just over two weeks off after my ERPC's and found that by the time I returned to work I felt just about strong enough emotionally to deal with people's questions. I struggled with feeling as though I was leaving behind what had happened and feeling guilty but by then it had eased a bit.

As Fifi said be prepared to be messed around by your hormones. They're absolute buggers in the aftermath of what's just happened. Prepare dh/dp too - my dh found my mood swings and crying very difficult to deal with the first time.

You take as long as you need to take. Don't feel pressurised into rushing back to work before you're ready.

Take care x

Hi everyone,the longest weekend ever 2 boxes of chocolates, one and a half books, endless films all the sunday papers and then into the EPU this morning. The bleeding intensified through saturday with cramps etc so we knew and sure enough the baby is gone and a neg result today. Barbie please dont feel bad about 'only' having one mc. My first was definatley the worst and as I write that I dont mean to scare anyone that that could happen again. I was almost prepared for this and feel.. at the moment... in more control and that at least it all happened at home and naturally. Most importanty to me I didn't have to go in THAT room. Excercise is great and I am going back to the gym asap it does help keep the depression away. love and strength to you all, especially Mollie xx

Oh Mollie, I've just read back through the posts and seen yours . I'm so sorry.

There's nothing I can say that will make it any better, but know that I am thinking of you xxx

OH mollie.....just been catching up, i wish i could hug you now...

there has been a fair few post since i last checked, you guys are the one thing i miss being back full time, apart from the lie in's!

lix i had a week off after op, and the week before while i waited to see if it happened naturally. Take your time going back, like you i felt fine for the first few days and then wham, the emotions hit and i was thankful that i was still off. Im ok now just suffering from other stresses and a bloody cold and the headache that has lasted for 5 days that refuses to shift!

Ive just come in from work, you ladies are the first post of call so id better sort myself out, hello to all of you tonight x

mermaidspurse so sorry for what happened to you over the weekend, and I know what you mean about going in "that room", I will need to go in there again tomorrow to find out if I still need the ERPC on Wed.

lix glad you are feeling better after today but as others are saying don't rush back to work unless you think it will help. I have been signed off by my GP until next Friday and even then I have to see her before I go back, right now work has been put on the back burner. Don't feel guilty about this either, take what you need.

sarah sounds like you have been doing really good, well done to you for this. Sounds like you are determined and this is helping you get thru, sometimes when you have a focus like you clearly have it is amazing what you can achieve. Keep up the good work.

villagemum thanks for the link, I had a quick look earlier, will definitely be looking again when I have more time.

mollie how are you holding up.....thinking about you today

barbie making me smile I feel as if I can't make it thru the day without my daily dose of mumsnet so know where you are coming from. Hope your cold lifts soon.

MM fingers crossed for tomorrow, I too know all about "that room" and how it only ever holds bad memories, really hope the scan shows no further intervention needed so you can start to move on hun
Barbie MN rocks
Mermaid Sorry to hear about your weekend, although the chocolate sure sounded good, it's such a good healer You are sounding very strong and positive, good on you x
Sarah Glad to hear you're starting to feel better (and without the medication) you must feel very proud of yourself.
villagemum I will be using your list for Sarah for my consultants appt tomorrow if you don't mind

Still spotting but no cramps and no sign of AF, so no idea what's happening will just have to wait and see

sarah - great that you're getting a follow-up with the consultant - could just be the way things work in your area, yay, make the most of it! Really hope all goes well. Yes, I think most AD studies in pregnancy have been done on Prozac (fluoxetine)- but if that doesn't work for you then you'd have to think again, I guess... Glad to hear you're feeling better now. Sounds as if you've coped marvellously with coming off the ADs. Being a wuss myself, I'm full of admiration! xx

lix - so glad to hear the ERPC went well. I think two weeks is considered the normal healing time afterwards, and taking time off work till Thursday (minimum!) sounds perfectly sane and sensible. The hormone withdrawal as your levels of hcg (pregnancy hormone) start to fall can be quite startling in the next few days, so don't get a shock... your reproductive system just gearing up for the next cycle, which is (I had to keep reminding myself while I sobbed and bit everyone's head off!) a GOOD thing! xx

mollie - I'll be thinking of you as you see your consultant; sure, go ahead and use all the questions if they're useful! Just wish I knew more... this whole experience is turning me into the sort of learner I never wanted to be, if you know what I mean... but that's life. xx

mm - hope you are feeling a bit better and that you will know more today about whether or not you'll need the ERPC on Wednesday. xx

barbie1 - poor you! You sound a bit run down. Hope work today goes OK! xx

As for me... today I can feel a bit of the old spirit returning, after feeling just plain flattened since about 5 September (when we first found out about the mmc).You have all been the most fantastic support and I can't thank you enough. xx

mollie hope you are doing ok and that today went well for you, don't know what to say your emotions must feel as if they are being thrown back and forward atm. Take care

villagemum so glad to hear you are starting to feel better, god knows you deserve to. And in response to your thanks about the support you received don't forget the support you are to us also.

barbie how are you feeling today, always remember we are here for a rant chat anytime.

lix how are you feeling after the ERPC, hope you are doing well and the hormone drop doesn't hit too hard.

mbm hope you are well today and being back at work is helping.

Well I went for another scan today , yes still in "that room" and the sac is still intact meaning I still need the ERPC tomorrow. It now feels as if I have taken a huge step back and I have been grieving for a physical loss that has still to happen. Mixed emotions about tomorrow but I just need some closure, this has been going on for weeks and now it needs to end. Although as fast as I say that I feel sad that by this time tomorrow it will all be gone.

Take care everyone else mm xxx

mm, I really hope tomorrow's ERPC gives you that feeling of being able to start a new phase, hard as it is. I also felt very sad when I finally had to 'let go' of my baby. But you have done everything for him or her - and I mean everything, at every stage, reading all your posts in the last weeks - that you can. Which is what being a mother is about. You're a great one. Much love and many hugs. xxx

mm you have been so brave and you must be exhausted. After all my brave talk yesterday I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom and then fell apart completely and was ordered back to the sofa by dh who keeps popping in from work because he forgot something, yeah right! Keep trying to think of positive things to be doing but have decided to stay on the sofa a bit longer the world can manage without me for a bit. Sending out some warm seaside breezes to you all x

mm So sorry to hear that you still have to go through an ERPC tomorrow, I only hope it goes quickly and uneventfully for you so that you can grieve properly. You take care of yourself hun, we're here when you get home
mermaidspurse Your seaside breezes made me smile I know what you mean about distractions, it's good not to think too much and clean, I love cleaning, my DH says I have OCD but it's so therapeutic! But do take it easy too, you've been through the mill
Barbie How are you doing lovely?
Mollie waves to everyone else and settles in to have a moan!
I will copy my post from another thread as to what happened today

Well appt today was at 4.30pm but the consultant was running 1.5hrs late so we saw his registrar at 5.45pm, unfortnately her english wasn't very good so we had trouble understanding her. She started to fill in a form with my pg/mc history on it, when I mentioned that I'd had +ve tests last week I asked if it could be residual hormones and she said no, that I was pg, so she stopped filling in the form and said there was no point continuing with that. She then took bloods to check HCG levels to see if it's a viable pg, told me to call for the results tomorrow, if they are too low then the ward will rebook me to see consultant (God knows when probably next year!) if they are high enough I will have repeat bloods on Thursday.
So she's confirmed that I am or have been pg but that's about it, it's just another bloody waiting game and I didn't even get to see the consultant. I'd gone armed with all these questions and info and got nothing
I did 2 more HPT's this morning, I did a clearblue digital which said "not pregnant" god those words hurt don't they? And a third sainsburys one which was +ve again, confused - I certainly am!
My spotting which stopped this morning, started again this afternoon, I don't feel the tiniest bit pg, so have decided I've lost this one too, will just make it easier when they tell me tomorrow.
Sorry for such a long rant, but feel miles better for getting it all off my chest.

mm you must feel like the last few weeks have been lost in sadness and worry. Hope the ERPC goes smoothly tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

VillageMum glad you are feeling a lot better. I too started having problems round about 5th September, and all of a sudden it's nearly October. Although they were the slowest days of my life at the time it now feels like I have just skipped a month of my life.

I've decided to start taking the folic acid again today. I couldn't bear to take it once I knew there was nothing to take it for, but I'm already feeling much more positive just over a week after ERPC.

mm just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. not sure of the right thing to say about tomorrow, take care and hope the hospital look after you. x

Mollie think our posts crossed. Was wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you have had a frustrating day - rant on as much as you like - that's what we're here for. Wish I could fast forward the next couple of weeks for you. You sound like you are being amazingly strong. I don't have any seaside breezes to send you - but would some fresh country air full off the scent of ripe apples & blackberries do ?

mollie that sounds really bad, I hate it when doctors seem to fob us off presumably so as not to have to deal with 'emotional' women.
I hope you have clear answers soon

mm I hope all goes as well as possible tomorrow, do take your take to heal, not easy but hopefully it will be a clear point from which to start healing.

hi everyone else hope you are all ok

Mollie - how frustrating! My guess would be that the Clearblue digital pg test and the Sainsbury's one are set at different sensitivities to HCG (but could the Sainsbury's really be more sensitive than the Clearblue? possible, I guess!) Anyway, you know you've had a +ve result recently, so only the bloods will be able to tell you if the pg is ongoing or not... It's so awful having to wait for these results. I really hope you get a clearer answer tomorrow. Thinking of you! xx

Fifi - good for you, go and take that folic acid! I resumed the prenatal vitamins and folic acid too after stopping for a few days when I discovered my mmc - starting again helped me to believe that I really AM going to have another chance at this. Feel just the same as you do about September. Snap. Actually wrote in my diary today, 'this whole month has been spent on suffering in one way or another'. I'm still bleeding, but hoping that this is just the blood and the clot I had left after my second ERPC now being passed. The scan I'm having on Thursday will tell. Hope October is a better month for us! xx

mermaidspurse - your dh sounds great!
I'm afraid I can't send any pleasant country smells, only the smell of burnt sausages (ds's supper).

barbie where are you? Feeling OK I hope! xx

mollie you must be ready to scream by now. I am afraid I don't have a clue as to what is going on but at least you have had the bloods taken so you should start to get some answers in the next few days. Hang in there hun. xx

fifi well done on taking the folic acid. I am making a point of not taking prenatal vitamins atm, if I don't take them then it stops me from being tempted to start ttc. I know this time we really need a break but the niggles are starting already. I'll leave it for a couple of months then probably start taking them again.

sfxmum good to hear from you, I really hope you are doing well and if you start to feel down we are all here.

villagemum your posts always bring me to tears, they are so touching. You have made me think and you are right we really did do everything we could, even taking the baby aspirin this time. I hadn't thought like this until after reading your post. The words you use and the time you take for all of us on here, you really are so thoughtful and I am so glad to have found someone like you on here. All this and after the horrible time you have had. I hope your bleeding stops soon and that your scan is now all clear on Thurs. xxx

scotlass how moving that you have came over here to post a message for me, thank you so much and you take care.

mermaidspurse you dh sounds so sweet.

barbie like villagemum say where are you, hope you are ok and just busy, we miss you already.

I have been bleeding pretty heavy and have passed some more clots tonight so don't know for certain if the ERPC will still go ahead. I know they will scan me in the morning at the hospital. Reading back at my post and feeling pretty emotional, sorry if it is too soppy but I really have been touched by all the messages of support on here tonight. It means so much and cannot thank you all enough it does make whatever comes tomorrow easier.

Take care everyone mm xxx

im here!!!!

Sorry ladies, missing just one day on mn feels like a life time. I had doctors yesterday morning and the crappy late shft in work 12 until 9pm so i didnt get home until nearly 10p..i of course got right on line to check on all of you but my sister needed me so i ended up spending an hour talking/ helping her and her husband. Thought to be honest by talking i mean via face book! neither feeling strong enough to talk to me personally so i had ech of them typing conversations to me from different houses, each telling me there thoughts etc. To be honest it drained me completely, i ended up in the bath closer to 11.30pm sobbing my heart out. Its frustrating for me because they both love each other but just dont love the things each other does! rant over!

The doctors were so rubbish yesterday, what is with the after care after a mc? mollie i cant believe what you are having to go through hun...a 1.5 hour wait??? you must of been livid i was just reading your post...i think not having the answers or even seeing someone who can speak english well enough to answer you is shocking. Im thinking of you and hope someone can give you the answers you need.
All i got at the doctors was 'what are you hear for?' it was them that booked the bloody appointment! I was told if the bleeding has stopped then i have nothing to worry about and im fine/ normal....The headaches are down to stress and the cold (which is getting worse) is because my immune system is down end of!

villagemum glad you are feeling more back to normal, i guess the herbal tea works?! good luck for thursday, i hope you finally finally get some closer

mm you too lovely lady, i hope everything is finally over for you this week, you can grieve fianlly and get your body, mind and emotions to some kind of normality, i really feel for you having to still be coping with it all, you are so brave and an inspiration to us all.

fifi hi hun, im too taking folic acid, felt lost for a few weeks and didnt feel the need for it, but i bought one with a multi vitamin in too to hopefully it will make me stronger all round.

lix how are you coping now, i hope you are still resting and taking it easy, you said strong so thats good, just do go and over do it...doctor barbie orders ok?!

Hello and goodmorning to sfx monkey sarah and mermaid ...and all you other lovely people

Speak soon love barbie xxx

p.s grammer and spelling is awful this morning...i'm very nearly late for work but had to email you all!

lix i was meant to type you sound strong and don't go over doing things!

Serves me right for not checking back over what i had written.

xxx

Morning all.

mollie just can' believe what they're putting you through.

Thanks for everyone's advice - it really helps.

Haven't felt ny hormone drop yet - maybe 'll escae it (optimsm/wishful thinking is one of my strongest talents!!!)

My little girl (3yrs 6 mths) has beenaway with her grandparents for a few days and is coming back in a couple of hours, so frantically tidying the house before my mum and dad arrive!

I am stillplanning to go back to work tomorrrow, even hough my boss thinks I should wait until Monday> I just thinkthe longer I put it offf the harder it will be. Maybe I can jsut do 2 short days and start 'properly' on Monday.

Fifi I have also decided to start taking the folic acid again at the weekend. It's definitely time for me to look forwards and obviously not forget what has happened, but at least learn to deal with it the best I can. I think starting to take the folic acid again is a good step n the rightirection.

Hope you all have as good a day as possible and I'll go get on with hiding my mess!

Hi ladies! Want to say something to all of you but sittin here in work so will have to be quick!

mm Thinking of you today, I also had heavy bleeding 4 weeks after 1st ERPC and thought all retained product passed but unfortuneatly still needed 2nd ERPC. Cant believe this would be your 3rd. Each time you think its over, and its not. I felt like my body was holding me hostage. Really feeling it for you hon & just hope your back at home with your feet up as I write this.. In the end I was desperate for closure & to move on and be 'normal' again, i think its perfectly natural, we knew how much we wanted our babys, but to be in limbo for weeks, wearing pads everyday, tons of antiobio's, no sex! Its natural to want it to be over, without feeling any guilt for that feeling..

monkey Thank you for your welcome and lovely words, I dont feel that strong but I'm trying to be! Its a case of having to (I feel I've said that a zillion times this year, but its true!) I would be honoured if you do a balloon to mark your babys edd in Dec.. We just attached a message by string to the bottom and me & hubby wrote our message and signed off mummy & daddy, it was to all 3 of our angels and felt good watching it fly up to heaven..

barbie your headaches I'm sure were hormone related, I never suffer but had them daily after last dragged out mmc and 2 erpcs, took 6 weeks in all so hormones were obviously crazy, only just getting back to normal now I think..

Mollie Thank you for your welcome too.. I'm so sorry you're having your head messed up like this, if it means anything, with last preg I had really faint +ive tests, and had spotting for 2 weeks, but baby grew normally til week 13, we think it was a chromosome issue & by that point were under fetal meds, so dont think the spotting was anything to do with a problem, so fingers crossed your HCG is just confused as so close to your erpc..

villagemum You always say the right thing and you're an inspiration!

Sorry to anyone I forgot, so many issues crossover and I can relate to all of you so deeply, which is why this site is so needed..

My latest is I had a scan on monday as part of recurrent mc clinic tests, everything looks normal thankfully, no pcc, so thats one thing ruled out. See specialist again next thursday for results of all blood tests. Cant rememeber who was waiting on tissue tests taken from baby, but we had that done and came back inconclusive, which apparently they do in 50% of cases. We do know our chromosomes are clear thank god. Am wierdly hoping that will be autoimmune, NK, or Lupus so we can get the aspirin & heparin started or try the steroids, I'm a bit scared of outcome. Want something to be wrong so it can be put right, but have no idea how I will react to either outcome. Heads still not really straight, just keepin on keeping on (said that alot in recent years too!). Miss my babys every day and constantly torture myself thinking babys 1 & 2 would be here now, and would be 6 months gone with baby I lost in July. Always looking yearnfully at pregnant women. Almost a bit OCD! In same instance Im due on next week and hoping I wont be! However only had one period since cos of 2 erpc's and know deep down I need test results and body time to recover but still hoping! Must be mad! Anyway - all bit garbled reading this back! Better do some work!

Sending love, strength, hope, hugs and very best wishes to you all.. xxx

mm Am thinking of you today, and hoping that everything's gone smoothly, whether you had the ERPC or not. Make sure you get lots of rest when you come home x

Mollie How are you doing? Did you get the results of the blood tests? I hope you're alright. You must be so frustrated and confused not knowing what's going on...

Villagemum So glad you're feeling a bit brighter, and hear hear to October being a better month for us all . You really are an inspiration as 4everhopeful said. You constantly seem to know exactly the right thing to say, and your messages come from the heart. Thanks to you for all your support x

4ever Glad the scan was normal, that must be a huge relief. Know what you mean when you say you want something to be wrong then it can be put right - it is terrifying though isn't it. I can't figure out whether it's better to have something wrong, or for them to say it's just very bad luck. Feel like I have to DO something next time round, rather than just leave it to fate. Argh! Lots of love to you too, and hope you're having a good day!

Barbie Poor you having to deal with your sisters situation at the same time as all this. You must be exhausted, both mentally and physically. Make sure you take time for you though. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job as mediator. Hope they manage to get things sorted out for the best.

Well, I went to see my GP today, who didn't know about this last mc (gynae and GP obviously don't communicate much ). She thinks i should go and see a mc counsellor. TBH I don't see the point as I reckon I'd get so upset I wouldn't be able to talk anyway! Maybe in a while... Has anyone been to see one? Did it help at all?
Another interesting thing she said was that my sudden obsession with cleaning/tidying/washing everything that moves is apparently normal. I think some of you have experienced the cleaning madness... She said it's a way of trying to take control of your life when something like this has happened. At least I'm normal .

Lots of love to you all, and Hello to anyone I haven't mentioned