emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

[EisAHandbagaHolic]

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

Just a quick one to say hello to you all on this grey Monday morning. Hope you all are feeling positive.
Have had a busy weekend (DH turned 30 last week so have been concentrating my energies on making it a good week for him).
Would have been 17 weeks today.
SIL coming to town this week with baby so have to make sure I keep my emotions in check when I see them both.
Met someone yesterday who has 6 miscarriages in total, but has had 4 beautiful daughters in between that.

Hello ladies - sorry havent read thru but hope you are all doing ok and keeping your heads up?

I'm not particuarly, and back on here to rant! Again, don't know if I'm being unreasonable.. Yesterday our church did a memorial service, as they did my dads funeral they read out names of lost loved ones & light a candle for them. Last year I mentioned to the vicar I would also be remembering our lost baby (only 1mc at that point). However I was shocked when he read out the name Baby Baker. I hadnt asked for it and felt like our privacy had been infringed, we hadnt named our lost angels, and it just didnt feel right. We remember them in our own special way (flowers in the garden, dates, balloons etc, but all very private). So last week I e-mailed the vicar to explain whilst we were grateful, please dont refer to them by name this year, perhaps just 'to all lost babies'... (also thinking that eventually one day, our newborns are going to be referred to as Baby Baker). Well I wanted the ground to open me up when yesterday they read out again 'Baby Baker and all the lost babies'. I felt like I may as well have had a flashing arow above my head saying 'look at her she's had multiple mc!'. I've felt so angry & woke at 3am not to go back to sleep just thinking about it. No-one at work knows, only v close friends and family so I'm so annoyed. I saw the vicar afterwards & smiled & said nothing, which I'm now kicking myself for. I'm about to write an e-mail saying how it made me feel but thought I'd better get some of it off my chest here first. He also said whilst they had prayed for us, it doesnt work just like that, which I felt was a bit condescending, as if I think of god like father christmas I can write a request too! I felt like saying I know it doesnt work just like that, or we'd be ok by now after all the prayers that have been prayed! This all probably hasnt been helped that I did do a -ive early test. Feel so emotional I was thinking we'd done it, this will be the longest between pregs, 2nd was 3months after mc, 3rd was 10 weeks after mc. Its been 4months since mc, so as will now be next month, looks like at least 5months, I know its prob better my body is healing but I just feel it would make everything feel better if I was (even tho would be a nervous wreck). Anyway, apologies for superlong post. Been so angry, obsessing since 3am so am a bit delirious I think. xxxx

4ever, I really, really feel for you! Vicars/priests can be such bulls in china shops - what a grossly insensitive thing to say to a woman who has experienced what you have. Sod him. Feel free to rant! And as Emmsy says above, we will get there - just trust to nature. Your body is healing. Thinking of you... x

sausage, this sounds like your period but keep that hospital appointment in any case! Let them check and confirm.

Emmsy, thanks for sharing your story - it gives me hope!

sabs, barbie, mm, hello!

Well, half term is over and now it's back to real life... I'm hoping being back in a routine again will help keep me steady...

Hi everyone, quick one as at work today.

Emmsy thankyou so much for reminding us of the good news stories out there, you are the inspiration we hope to achieve.

4ever The description vm gives of bull and china shops is pretty accurate. I struggled myself at church on Sun when the priest spoke of remembering all who we have lost over the last year, it took all of my strength not to break down in front of dd and the rest of the congregation, the words really affected me bringing it all back. I guess clergy fall in to the catagory of people who if they have not experienced mc know little of the emotions attached, stupid man.

vm Real life kicks in yet again, hope you are still feeling positive and focusing on the future. You know you are much stronger than you think , we can all vouch for that.

sabs keep your chin up and I hope seeing sil with her baby is not too upseting, just think it will be you one day soon hun.

Need to go for now (work calling) but hope everyone is doing well today and barbie is not working too hard, take care everyone mm xxx

Hi mm, sorry to hear you've had the trial by clergy experience too... bad experiences such as 4ever's and yours are the reason I steer clear of clergy in times of crisis (when I was in hospital for my mc I ticked the 'no chaplain visit' box in boldest, blackest biro! If there had been a 'fire the chaplain out of a cannon' option to tick I would have chosen that one instead.)

Today started well but I'm full of gloom again because I'm due to ovulate around now in this cycle and haven't so far. Have managed to work myself up into a real state about it, even though we're not even ttc yet... . I really miss the days when my insides didn't take up so much of my attention! Think I will go and do a few chores...

Hi vm in the defence of the priest he was only doing his 'remember who we have lost' preach that he does every time this year, he actually mean't it as a comfort and in some strange way it did help although because I wasn't prepared for this and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have heard mentioned before that what clergy do is to bring out all of the emotions so that it actually helps with the healing process, a bit sceptical on this although I can see it from a certain angle. Bottom line not what you want to hear atm. Sorry you are feeling down today, it is almost impossible not to obsess but your body may not yet be back to clockwork yet to try not to worry too much. I so hear you when you say how much you miss the old days, how innocent and naive we were back then.....makes me feel old saying that. You take care of yourself hun as you have a busy month coming up. Will try and check in later if you need to chat.

mm, I totally take your point, and I'm glad you find your priest sympathetic; my own experiences with clergy have been pretty uniformly disappointing, and I speak as a lifelong catholic. As I get older (makes me sound ancient!) I find dogma applied to human emotion ever more of a recipe for disaster as it actually blocks the true expression of what one really feels. But that's just me... no doubt I'm too individualist, and much too rebellious .
Thanks for being there as always... I'd say you're a pretty good advertisement for the core values! x

Hi everyone, hope you're all OK..having read all the posts about clergy and such like, all I can say is, thank god goodness I'm an atheist!!!

Back to school today which is great because it means I can resume frequenting the steam room and pool again!

vm - not having had af yet, I've got no idea how regular I'll be when I do eventually get back to normal, so I don't know whether your cycle is typical post-mc or not. Chances are you'll ovulate in the coming week, especially if you've had any accompanying signs that you're about to? Fingers crossed that you do, then you can really start to look ahead!!

Hello to everyone else!

vm As I get older I find my feelings on religion split, on one hand I find myself turning to religion for the moral and core values it holds and on the other pulling away for the reasons you have said. The church seems to hold such idealistic views that they don't truely connect with the real life events that we all go thru day to day. Like I said before the only way I can continue with religion is to take what I feel is right and try to lead my life in that way but certainly our religion is at best frustrating and at worst hypocritical.
I wouldn't call you rebellious maybe more a realist trying to cope with a whole lot atm. We really do have so much in common don't wexxx.

Hi circular good to hear you are back to you swimming regime again, you are right being an atheist would be so much easier at times.

Circular, for what it's worth, I think of atheists as being far more mature and intellectually developed than us theists - wish I could deprogramme myself completely and join you!

Glad to hear you're swimming again - I'm still at it too. Maybe I will start worshipping the pool instead.

I think I'll ovulate in the next few days... actually first ov'd three weeks after my ERPC, had AF two weeks after that as usual, and naively assumed that this meant that everything would be like clockwork again from then on, ha ha. I've read though that it can take months for anything like a normal pattern of cycles to reassert itself... Groan. Not good for a control freak/ projectaholic like me.

mm, you've clearly got great values and a lot of patience too... all in all I think you're a pretty special lady. Hope you're feeling OK at the moment and not too tired out by work. x

vm you always make me feel good about myself, thank you, you are a special lady yourself btw. Feeling ok just now, heard a song on the radio today that a couple of weeks ago would have really got to me, I won't say that it didn't affect me but not in the way it would have prev......getting there! I think I am doing ok as I don't need to handle the emotions of ttc again atm but I do so know how you are feeling in that respect. Remember I have been there before so if you need to let it all out I am never too far away. You take care hun xxx

groan.....im ill! MM warned me not too work too hard and now im paying the price! doh!
I had to be in work for 7.30 this morning but due to one of my staff calling in sick i could leave at 3.30 like i was meant to and ended up staying until 6.30 and now i have a full two hours of paper work/ wages to do and if i dont do them we wont get paid so no skipping it for me!
I have such a sore throat and a cold like presence around me, im just hoping that is a far as it goes.
Talking about religon today i recieved an invite for the remberance service of lost angels due to be held next week, i my gosh how i cried this morning. Im i bad in not wanting to go? if james was here i might of gone with him but im not strong enough on my own and im scared of unearthing all the emotions again, id rather remember in my own way, but i worry i will be the only 'mummy' not to turn up, i really cant stop crying as i type this...a song from our wedding also played on the radio on the way to work and i cried for the happy times we had and how things have changed so much since then. I have been doing so well its freaked me out to have these feelings again, i guess being run down doesnt help.
I did another test today as my body is feeling something? still negative of course so i can understand how you are all feeling too.
So for such a me me me post

xxxxxxbarbiexxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sorry that was meant to read

'I think of atheists as being far more mature and intellectually developed than us theists'

Not sure about that! There are many top scientists (particularly mathematicians) who are very religious; horses for courses I say!

barbie - hope you feel better tomorrow; this time of year does seem to be when all the bugs do their rounds, not nice.

Emmsy Thanks for your post my lovely, I can't believe Amy has been with you a month now! You must be so proud of what you have achieved and how much support you have given everybody in the world of MN
4ever How are you feeling now hun? I am not surprised that you felt so frustrated yesterday after the church service. at the vicar and his actions, he obviously acted like a "man" and didn't think about what you were asking.
Barbie Sorry to hear you are feeling poorly, shall I come and look after you ?
Sabs Hope it goes better than expected with SIL, sending you positive strong thoughts.
AF finally left yesterday after 7 whole days of teasing me! DH bought condoms yesterday, said it was a flashback to his teens but with less emmbarassment even though he had to ask the girl in boots where the non-latex ones were I can't remember the last time we used contraceptives, very wierd

Mollie waves to VM MM Circular & Sausage

What a lovely idea to be able to talk to people who completely understand how you feel. I am currently mc-ing, had a scan on Friday morning and everything looked 'normal' for 7 weeks, heartbeat etc; no reason for my bleeding. Left EPAU still feeling that something wasn't right and I passed my baby at 5pm that day. I feel stronger knowing that I 'held my bb in my hand' as I actually separated the sac from the blood after wiping (sorry for so much detail)! wrapped it in some clean tissue and took it to the hospital who confirmed that it was the sac and baby.
I don't think anyone can understand, unless they have been through it the rollercoaster of emotions that you go through when you mc. My friend explained to me today that your body thinks that it has delivered a bb and you hcg levels are still high and so you have the same bb blues that you have after birthing a bb without the highs; that makes so much sense, why don't the Dr's explain that??
I feel sad, guilty, devastated, cheated, prickly and agitated and at the same time calm and at peace; that for some reason my bb wasn't to live any longer and I am grateful that nature took a course that meant no harm or suffering came to it. It will always be my little angel, with hopes and dreams that I can only imagine

a sad hello aspi stick around because this is the best thread for loads of support..im so sorry for your sad news, post any time there is always someone to listen x

please come and look after me mollie im feeling a little sorry for myself right now!

I know we've only just met , but sending you hugs Barbie as you're not feeling great either but are kind enough to give your support to others x

aspi thanks for your concern hun, tbh its more my own fault for overworking!
So how are you anyway? i hope you are managing to get through this tough week, have you any other children? I lost my first baby at 12 weeks, mmc heart beat seen etc at 7 weeks and then sadly nothing no other children but hoping to try in the new year xxx

Havent had a chance to read the whole thread properly so apologies for not addressing posters personally.
Welcome aspi, although we dont meet in the best circumstances, but agree with barbie1 this is one of the best threads and the ladies on here are simply wonderful and so brave, they are all like my support network in these dark times.
Barbie1 I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but we have similar circumstances. I lost my first pregnancy on 23rd september this, at 11 weeks. Am planning to try again in the new year like you too. Maybe we should start another thread for all those who are also planning to ttc in the new year

sabs good idea, ill let you do the link cant remember if you have had your af yet? im sorry for being ignorant but im full of cold and not remembering much!

no worries for not remembering! Had my first AF last thursday, 38 days after MC. Was at work when she visited, and just spent the last hour of work crying in the loo. Was the first time since being back at work that I broke down during work hours. It just brought back so many memories, I got so emotional
Hope you feel better soon barbie1

Will start the New Year, New Hope post soon...

Sweet dreams to all...

barbie, poor you! Keep warm, drink lots of juice, and try to have a nap... it really does help! Don't go to the service unless it feels right for you - nobody will blame you if you prefer to remember in your own way.

Aspi, welcome; I'm so sorry that you've also had to go through this. The hormones afterwards are horrible. Big hugs...

Circular, I think those top scientists are in denial, hehehe [bad catholic wicked laugh icon]... how's the swimming today?

Sabs, that new thread sounds like a very positive idea. Hope you're doing OK.

Mollie, yes, trying NOT to conceive (tntc?) is weird, isn't it?

Ah well... back to work! Hello to anyone I haven't mentioned by name!

I would love to do all of the above vm but sadly i have to work 1 until 10 today urghhhhhh!
I have been up doing the paper work this morning so no like in for me either. My company isnt impressed with my sickness record owing the the month off i had spread over three months with the pregnancy even though im never off sick usually...
I will catch up with you all in the next few days, even if i dont post ill be lurking
Love you everyone xxx

Hi everyone,

barbie sorry I wasn't on last night glad to see sabs was here for a chat, hope you are feeling better both emotionally and physically, btw your work cannot do anything about a pregnancy related issue so don't worry too much about that but I know it is not easy when you need to work with people. Take it easy until you feel better hun.

vm how are you today, just get thru the next couple of weeks the best way you know how then you can start ttc. Focus on the future if you can and the thought of all the BFP's .

sabs like the idea of the new thread, was beginning to think along those lines myself, somewhere we can move to when ready.

aspi welcome and sorry you had to join, we are here if you need to talk.

mollie I guess we are both in the same boat of tntc, it does feel strange and goes against all you are feeling, and btw I absolutely hate having to use condoms needs must I suppose.

I am so tired today, it's probably just a combination of working and rl but struggling a little today. There is a church service of rememberance on Sat and debating if I should go or not, I guess it's the guilt if I don't go, maybe all the church stuff will help in the long run but it is bringing a lot of stuff to the surface again. Barbie you do what is right for you regarding the service I think I will wait and see how I feel come Sat.