emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

[EisAHandbagaHolic]

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

emm76 welcome to the thread, like villagemum says you have every reason to feel sad after what has happened but hopefully she has given you a explination to what could be happening to you. Never the less the feelings will still be painful as anyone else so glad you found us here.

storkexpectedinapril My heart sank when I seen your name on here, I remember you from the April ante-natal thread. I put myself on the list but didn't post much as I wasn't feeling to confident this time around, unfortunately I was right. Reading your post could have been me back in May when I had my second mc. You are right it does feel better to know that you are not alone going thru this and that's why this thread works so well for help and support.

villagemum you step up to the post again with your advice you are now becoming our resident expert on here. How are you doing today, we are both starting to limit ourselves a little more, not for too long I hope.

Well had my appointment with my GP this morning and it went pretty well. She has now referred us to an obsteotrician (spelling?) who has a pretty high success rate in our area, can't remember his name atm but at least it gets the ball rolling. Not too sure how long we will have to wait for the appointment and cannot go private but at least hopefully we are on the right track. She has also referred my to a mc counsellor (again spelling doesn't look right). I actually don't feel too bad atm but know that I need to deal with the emotions as we now don't know what will happen in the future. She has also signed me off work for another week so won't be weaning myself off here too soon. Hope everyone is doing well today, lot of hugs to all mm xxx

same here stork you were on my antenatal thread, i am very sorry for your loss honey, mmc are harder i think because you keep thinking "all that time" because you were planning and getting excited, not knowing you had already lost the baby. its heartbreaking, and i am thinking of you xxx

Oh, ladies, it's hard, isn't it? Natty has just put into words exactly what I felt when I discovered the mmc - 'all that time'. All that time you didn't know, and you were living in a fool's paradise, busy being happy, and then - wham. Reality hits and you have to rethink everything that's gone before. But Stork, maybe don't change your name completely - the stork will still come for you, I'm sure, even if not in April. Maybe storkexpectedsoon? mm - so wonderful that you have an obstetrician on board! Way to go! Now you'll be in good hands...

Only reason I haven't posted here millions of times today is because I've been having tea with a girlfriend and bending her ear instead ... But I will be doing some gentle work again tomorrow (yeah, right). Onwards and upwards... x

thank you for your kind thoughts. This is still very raw for me, I didn't expect that it would be so difficult, but then again it's not something that you plan for. I will read the thread and all your experiences later. I'm usually a fairly optimistic person so hopefully this will help. Hope you're all OK.

i feel for the mums that dont have children. i do consider myself lucky to have 2 DC before all these sudden problems are cropping up, and im so glad i had kids young, cos if i had waited who knows?

tell you what though, those of u with DC, when u m/c did you feel like u were so lucky to have the kids you have already? that you could have lost them so easliy? makes me hug them so tight at night now, or am i being silly?

forgot to add, hello to mm1509 and Natty, I do remember you both from the April thread. Hope you're doing OK.

Natty, yes, I think I was 'OK' outwardly at the scan this morning because I know that I have two DC already. I did think about those ladies who miscarry time and again and are still waiting to have a complete pregnancy. We have friends in that situation. I know have a much deeper understanding of what it must feel like for them.

Natty - I did feel like that. Still do. After I had the mc, I just felt amazed that my ds (now 7) had ever been born at all - and blamed myself, too, for having been so arrogant, first time round, as to think that it would all be plain sailing (it was, with him - but I now know not to take this for granted again, ever.) I look at him now and think he's a total miracle.

Hello and welcome to Stork Natty Emm76 Jesta Jemima Emmahelena Redfrog.. How very heartbreaking that there are so many more of us now on here.. All united in our grief and confusions, hopefully also united in strength and hope.. Suddenly I looked back to see your names and read all of your very sad stories.. I'm sorry I havent individually acknowledged each of your experiences but hope this site gives you as much help as it has with me.. These girls on here are great...

Waves and hugs to Mm Vm Barbie Sfx Hope you are all doing ok today?

Havent really had the strength to chat today, was gonna leave it but then saw all these new names on here and felt a duty to welcome them like you all welcomed me.. Still a state cos of postponed appt dramas.. Got AF today as well, its horrendous. Never been so heavy, I'm taking the co-dydromol hospital gave me after erpc. 1st one after mc still had retained product, had 2nd erpc 2 weeks later, and 2 weeks after that got another AF, but cos of several weeks of bleeding before didnt feel like a proper one. This AF that started yesterday is 1st 28 day cycle since April! Dont I know it.. Cant believe I'm still at work but took half day every day this week!

Anyway was gonna bore you with my appt drama but will save that for tomorrow. Its been unbelievable!

hello all

and hi and welcome to Stork Natty Emm76 Jesta Jemima Emmahelena Redfrog

am sorry for your losses, please feel free to rage or be sad as you feel it

4everhopeful am fine thanks yesterday I finished my essay and today went for a nice run, so pretty and sunny out, these things keep me sane

I hope everyone is ok today, have plans for the weekend as dh will be working both days I need to keep busy and keep dd entertained

villagemum I have just read you last post and to answer natty's question your words sum up exactly how I have been feeling about DD, I struggle to think how I would have got thru the last year without her extra hugs. Miracle really is the right description for them.

Hiya all just popping in today - had a bad day (well in the grand sceme of things it was ok but the dog ate a toy i brought for the baby, dragged it out of my wardrobe and ripped its eyes out)
redfrog - i used to call my little bump toad so i get the whole frog thing, im so sorry to hear of your loss but i agree he/she is a little angel now.
storkexpectedinapril heres a hug, im so sorry to hear of your loss.
Also hi natty & emm76
I hope everyone is well today, thanks again to all for the warm welcome!

hi girlies, still so many newbies which is sad because you are here for a horrible reason but at the same time more people to rant to, laugh with, cry with etc...all one big (one day, happy!) family!
AF IS HERE!!!!!!! started to get browny red discharge (tmi! if sorry) my stomach is killing me and i know that it will be a full blown af in a matter of a few hours im gutted if truth be know as i was hoping that maybe i might fall again before husband goes away but now no chance in hell as he is off monday silly i know, but i really thought that everything would work out, even though deep down i know my body needs the rest....
Dont you all go deserting me now will you, i cant try till feb now so im going to be here for agessssssssssssssssssssssss!
My hubby had his interview today and is currently mid air on the way home, so i had to tell you all the news first that he got the job so we should be off feb! do they have mumsnet in dubai????
Sorry its all me and not indiviual messages but i hope you are all well, how are the bruises mermaid mm was thinking about your doctors appointment, glad it went well

Hi everyone! Have tried on numerous occasions over the last few days to post, but keep getting interrupted by various things... In case I get disturbed again I shall just make this a short one. Should stand a chance of actually posting it then!

Have had a quick scan over the last few posts, gosh, there have been a lot of newbies. Welcome to all of you, and I hope that we manage to give you a bit of support.

Natty You're not being silly at all. I might have said this before on here, but after my mc's my ds has become even more precious to me, if that's possible. To think of how naive I was going through the pregnancy makes me shudder now. I really didn't think anything would go wrong. Children certainly are little miracles.

Mermaid Saw your post the other day about your crash . Really hope you're okay and not too sore and shaken up? You poor thing. What an awful thing to happen.

4ever and Barbie We must be in sync! Hope your AF's aren't too bad - mine started on Tuesday, and I was weepy the whole day. Couldn't stop thinking that it was so wrong to be coming on when I should still be pg, twofold . Oh it's just so sad. Barbie we can be hand-holders till Feb if you like . Am defo waiting till then to start trying again, even though it does seem like a very looooong time away. It'll come round in no time .

I booked an appt with a counsellor today for next week. mm are you going to go and see the mc counsellor? I pretty much felt like I wasn't ready, but then on Tuesday (which was an awful day anyway) a colleague came up to me and asked me if I was okay. She said normally I am lovely and 'shiny' but that now I look so sad. I just burst into tears and told her what had happened. I had this urge to just get it all out, all this hurt and grief that I've been trying to ignore. Managed to gain control of myself thank goodness, and decided that I was finally ready.

Just been interrupted so have to go.

Lots of love and hugs to you all x

ps name is because I was lacking in inspiration, looked round, saw ds, who was being a monkeybum at the time, and Bob's your uncle! Imagination isn't exactly my strong point .

Hey ladies, sorry to be away so long! Are we still passing around the spot cream? And the wrinkle cream? And the hair dye? Stupid PCOS means I've had acne starting at age 12 and still continuing 20 years later. Four years ago came the grey hairs, and sometime in the last couple of years I've seen the forehead wrinkles start to appear, along with the crow's feet around my eyes.

MC was 3.5 weeks ago but it feels like such a long time has passed. Day to day I'm generally okay, but sometimes stuff happens. . .like I found just found one of the big pad/adult nappy things I had to wear after the MC. Then I was on the phone to my mom, telling her about how thrown I was when I had to sign some papers after the MC. It said 'mother's signature' and it completely freaked me out because the whole point of what happened to me was that I WASN'T a mother---I felt like I shouldn't even be signing it, like I was a fake.

Sort of back to the business of TTC now, but still waiting to ovulate. This is pretty normal for me...with the PCOS I never have a clue when/if it's going to happen, so just trying to watch the CM and continuing to take my temp. The problem with that is, my sleep is so screwed up that I rarely wake up to the alarm, and if I do, I probably haven't even been asleep for the recommended three hours before I take my temp. Hoping next week will be better, I should be starting my job.

Also here to report that I am nearly three weeks without my anti-depressant of choice (venlafaxine) and still doing well. Not screaming at anyone (much), not suicidal/homicidal, not terribly anxious, not depressed (at least not any more than would be expected after MC). I am just worried something will burst my little bubble of sanity. Hoping to cope without drugs until I can get pg again.

hi all

Sarah76 I am sorry if am telling you things you know already but are you being treated for PCOS? I have it too, of course it is a syndrome which affects people in a very individual way, but diet and exercise seems to help control the symptoms. A diet which is based on eating low GI foods and plenty of lean protein, small meals frequently to stabilise blood sugar.

the exercise helps control mood as depression is often a feature for almost all PCOS sufferers. some doctors, mostly gynae and endocrinologists have been prescribing Metformin to control blood sugar and stave off cravings and of course for conception quite a few doctors prescribe Clomid

again sorry if you know all this already, hope everyone is ok today

Hi sarah76, welcome back - glad to hear you're feeling OK! Just take it day by day... The motherhood thing: the way I see it is, we were all mothers in the most real sense. We did all we could for our babies: carried them, nurtured them, and then, when they could not stay, let them go, without forgetting them. That is exactly what being a mother is about. So please don't feel like a fake: you did well. And you're doing well now: you're obviously a strong woman. There will be a next time! x

barbie - never fear, we won't desert you! In any case I'm by now surgically grafted to Mumsnet... Personally, I'm dreading the runup to Christmas and the whole winter itself. The decorations, trees, lights etc are already popping up all over the shops, filling me with dismay. Just don't feel I can cope with the fake cheer and the dark and cold this year.

monkeybumsmum, I have a monkeybum too - his other name is Captain Underpants!

thejesta2 - hope today is better...

mm - are you lying low?

((VM rolls up her sleeves and decides to get down to some serious work for a change!))

I've been lurking for a while, trying to get head sorted but after reading Villagemum last post I had to say something!
Oh my god Villagemum you have just made me cry at my desk! What a lovely way of thinking of things about us all being mum's, that really moved me and I have to agree with the others you always say the right things at the right times and are very insightful. Thank you so much for lifting my spirits on a day that would otherwise be bleak, thank you from the bottom of my heart

villagemum thats a lovely way of thinking about things - i still cosider myself a mother although it just eneded too soon, i found mothersday heart breaking but luckily my own mum brought me a little gift on behalf of my lost angel which made me feel better - my mum had been amazing and helped me realise i am a mother and i will always tell people i had my first child at 21 which was true, shes just not here now

Mollie and thejesta2 - we are mothers, truly. When I had to go in for the 48 hour blood tests to confirm my missed mc - which was by then 90% certain from the scan - I remember saying silently to my baby, 'don't worry, whatever has happened to you, I will sort this out, and I will be there'. I realised then that I was already a mum to this particular child. Having the ERPC a week later and finally letting go was very hard. I spent an hour or two before the surgery on my own, saying goodbye. But of course they don't leave us, ever. I don't even know if I had a boy or a girl, but I do know that he or she has changed me - too small for a grave, this child will live forever: in the person I have become because of him or her, and by the fact that we were once, however briefly, together.

I really hope that there will be a next time for all of us. I do believe that life is good and that this pain we've shared is only one part of it. I've found the dignity and courage of the women on this thread very humbling. You've all faced up so bravely to your experiences - you've owned them completely, however difficult. I think your children will be very lucky one day to have you as mums. xx

Hi everyone

mollie so good to see you back, have been thinking about you. Good to hear vm has lifted your spirits she always know the right thing to say to make us feel better.

villagemum the amount of times your words have me in tears and you have done it again. You seem to look inside me and put it into words. You are right this has changed us all and that will make all of us much better mums. P.S. you know I am never that far away so not lying too low.

barbie glad to hear you are here for the long run because I am going no where. Chat buddies for a long time to come.

mbm good to hear from you again. I haven't called the mc counsellor yet but I think I will. I am scared how this may eat me up in the future if I don't deal with this now, I know family members that still struggle many years on after mc and don't want this to happen to us. I need to remember but in a way that is healthy for us all.

sarah76 you are doing so well coming off the AD, you are right most of the time you are ok but then something just throws you, I guess that's why we are all here for each other in these moments.

sfxmum and thejesta hope you are doing well today.

Haven't been on this morning, feeling kind of flat after the docs appointment yesterday. I am happy I have been referred but also feel down that it has came to this. Now we officially have fertility problems and if feels as if a lot of choices have been taken from our hands. It's now in the hands of a consultant whether we have another child or not. I should be happy as the doctors appointment went exactly how I hoped but last night I just felt so down and it has carried on today. Sorry to be so glum and I don't want to sound ungrateful but I guess the lack of control over our own bodies is getting to me again.

VillageMum Stop it now, I can't keep rushing off to wipe my mascara Seriously though I love the attitude and the outlook on life that you have, are you a counsellor by any chance, if not you should be

mm, hi - have missed you! Being referred to a consultant is a good thing, believe me - fertility problems usually have fertility solutions and this guy (or lady?) is going to take a careful look and give you some considered answers. You should have more control over your body afterwards, not less... But I know it's tough having to go through the whole medical 'process' of being seen again when you just want to get on with life. I feel like that, anyway. I have to go back for another scan on 6 November with consultant follow-up - I like to think they're just being careful with me, but I wish the hospital would leave me alone now. Oh well.
Guess I will have to drink some more raspberry leaf tea to cheer myself up.

Mollie - hahaha, no, I'm just a spotty wrinkly (but not yet grey ) raspberry-leaf-tea-addicted wuss! xx

But there are not many spotty wrinkly (but not yet grey ) raspberry-leaf-tea-addicted wuss's with their own fan club
I realised I haven't said hello and welcome to the newbies, so hello and welcome to you all, sorry you have had to join us but hope you can find the support you need with us girls
I will catch up properly when I'm home from work Mollie now disappears so she can finish at a reasonable time, but waves hello to Barbie & mm

Thanks villagemum you are right it is a good thing and I have checked out the consultant and he looks good, it just feels like everything has now stepped up a level. I think a large part of if is confirming what I knew would happen. I probably just need a little time to process this in my head, by tomorrow i will be fine when reality kicks back being a taxi service for dd, dancing and swimming lessons on Sat morning, I won't have time to dwell on any of this. Actually you do sum it up I do just want to be left alone but also want another child so will do what it takes to get there. See there is some positive talk in there. It is so good to know you are there I knew it wouldn't be too long before you posted. xxx