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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

missed miscarriage, just sat here waiting.....

500 replies

dramaqueen72 · 13/01/2005 09:37

anyone out there relate to this? this is my second missed m/c, tho i had a baby inbetween. the shock of a diasterous scan still hurts like mad i found out yesterday. i now have to wait a week for a rescan, and then choose how i want ot proceed. either a eprc (d&c), or pills to force m/c, or 'sit and wait' with poss return to surgery. absolutely crap awful choices. i feel so numb and like my life is on hold. still havent told hardly anyone but struggling to day to appear 'normal' and jolly.
bloatella if youre out there......i couldnt find your thread so am wittering away on this one.

OP posts:
girlfromip · 06/04/2005 10:35

hello and hugs to everyone here for their loss. I felt so sad when I read your post wishingchair - 16 weeks seems such a long time, thinking of you.
I had a mc four months ago at 10weeks (also from the notoriously unlucky aug 05 thread) and I've been feeling really well for about a week or so and finally starting to feel back to my old self. But I had a big dip yesterday when I decided to tell an old friend (who I hadn't told because I often find her insensitive) because I felt hardy enough to tell her. Any way I got a text back saying - she's stunned by my news but was 'half expecting it anyway' (!)(?) and that it was cold comfort but that it 'probably had a defect' anyway.
I'd love to know - am I being hypersenstive at finding that to be a very tactless msg? So irritated by it but anyway sorry to go on about something so trivial but I'm just annoyed that I told her at all and left myself open to such a crass response. Any way thanks for the therapy as always hugs to all and good luck with the move teatime!

Bella - are you in London, I can't remember if you are or not. Because if you're interested at all or anyone else is - I know a really good massage therapist who has loads of fertility/maternity clients - I always tell her that she got me pg (in a manner of speaking!) last time after trying for ages (nearly 2 yrs).

wishingchair · 06/04/2005 16:37

Good you're feeling better but not good to have that awful response. I wonder if maybe she meant she was half expecting it because she hadn't heard from you so imagined the worst or something like that. Not a tactful way of putting it though. I think people forget that so many hopes and dreams were wrapped up in your pregnancy and the fact that the maybe might have had a defect (!! what an awful way of putting it!) and therefore it was OK or even a good thing doesn't help at all. Whatever the reason for your loss was, I think it's almost irrelevant, the end result is the same. So no, I don't think you're over-reacting but maybe if you know she's an insensitive type, you grit your teeth and put it out of your mind. I'm sure she only meant well. If she tries to talk to you again, maybe you just say you don't want to talk about it. Hopefully you have other people around you who can give you the support you need ... and there's always mumsnet! xxx

Bella23 · 06/04/2005 16:55

GFP - speechless over your friend to be honest....very hurtful even though I am sure not intended...poor you
Yes am in London, am trying reflexology noxt week but would be happy to try massage as well perhaps the following month so would be greatful for the details.

bossykate · 06/04/2005 17:01

gfip, it was the fear of responses like that which made me hold back from telling any rl friends about my m/c until i was 12wks+ pg with dd. i also have a friend who can be a bit blunt and tactless at times. when i told her about the pg and previous mc i said that i hadn't told anyone at the time because of "people's well meant but tactless and insensitive responses..." i love her dearly but i could easily picture her saying something like "probably all for the best" or something equally crass. anyway i think i forestalled that.

hope you don't get any more comments like this and good luck.

girlfromip · 06/04/2005 18:04

thanks for your thoughts, bella, bossy kate (great name) and wishingchair (another great name...), feel better about it today. I'm sure her intention was good. I agree, it's just so odd that anyone would use such a horrible word about what was, for us, the hope of a baby!
You're right - I'm walking away from it today and won't let it get me down.
Bella, I'll try to CAT you her number.

girlfromip · 06/04/2005 18:14

Bella, I couldn't manage to CAT you so here are her details: Sjoukje 0777 556 3955 (pronounced Showkia - she's Dutch), she said I could post her number.

george32 · 07/04/2005 09:55

Girl, Just seen your post below. How awful. I'm so sorry that someone would say that, especially a friend.
Hope you feel brighter today.

So sorry to see others joining this thread. I hope you find some comfort on here, it certainly helped me.
Hope to see some of you on the cautious TTCers thread in time (

Good luck with the move TeaTime.
Hope you are OK Arabica.

Bella23 · 07/04/2005 10:44

GFP - that's very kind, thank you for the details. I shall look into that next month xx

Arabica · 07/04/2005 14:31

Hi everyone, I am sort of OK, but very depressed, I have to say. Physically my cycle seems to be all over the place--I've ben starting what seems to be a new period every 2 weeks. I just can't seem to galvanise myself to do anything. Urgent chores get left until the very last minute, work not getting done, etc. Can't see the point. Everything still feels very flat after the miscarriage and yet I still don't feel I want to ttc.

Bella23 · 07/04/2005 14:38

Arabica - sorry to hear that you are still feeling so low. I remember only too well these feelings. I would suggest that you get yourself some Starflower capsules as these really help to regulate your hormones which helps with the desperation feelings. Hang in there and really do try and deal with just each day. I have managed to "come out the other side" (m/c was in Jan) and can promise you that you won't feel this way forever, it will ease. {{{{HUGS}}}}}

Arabica · 07/04/2005 14:55

Thanks for your message. Starflower sounds worth a try--I'm going to the healthfood supermarket this afternoon anyway.

girlfromip · 07/04/2005 15:31

Arabica, (((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))) thinking of you, and sending empathy and my best.

It's taken me ages and I still have really down times. I think it takes longer for some of us maybe than others, not that that necessarily helps.

I'm worse when I've spoken to gloriously pg friends or friends complaining of sleep deprivation with new babies.... Of course they're entitled to their whole experience and to express all their feelings - but it's still hard to hear for me!

george32 · 07/04/2005 18:10

So sorry you are down Arabica {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} from me too. I'm also taking starflower oil (along with Evening Primrose) to help with my hormones. I seem to be on an even keel at the moment out so maybe it does work. Staying away from alcohol is helping me too.
I hope the day is brighter tomorrow for you.

Arabica · 07/04/2005 18:38

Thanks for your messages, have bought the starflower and will be taking first capsule with dinner. I don't really like alcohol unless I am socialising and that happens so infrequently I'm virtually teetotal.

girlfromip · 08/04/2005 14:18

How are you today Arabica? Was just thinking of you. I'm cold to my bones and have just but the heat on to try and thaw my fingers.
Hope everyone is well.

Arabica · 08/04/2005 16:04

I'm feeling a bit more enthusiastic today, girlfromip. The whole m/c thing ahs tapped into my feelings of 'what on earth shall I do with my life?' cos although I like writing, I am pretty fed up with the kind of journalism I do. So I have been getting all excited about maybe doing some kind of college course.

girlfromip · 09/04/2005 21:36

Me too Arabica! I mean as an alternative to being a SAHM.
Had a nice day today but saw so many pg woman in the park - feel so jealous - they look so happy.
I'm still up and down, and thought I'd got back on track with my cycle last w/end but no - started af again......... so bored with not being over mc physically that it's hard to really move my head on either.
Hope your w/end is going well - mine not too bad but I'm being a bit mean to dh

girlfromip · 12/04/2005 00:32

Hello Arabica and anyone else who's around, I think I may have killed this ancient old thread! Many apologies if so. Hope everyone is well.
My cycle is still way off anything predictable - so I always end up back here, feel far from ttc physically and emotionally......
How was your Monday Arabica?

george32 · 12/04/2005 09:00

Hi Girl, I don't think this thread can be killed until everyone is OK. Think it has just slowed a lot as people recover and move to the TTC thread.
I spent a few weeks rebounding back across here as I tried to make it across to the other thread so don't be hard on yourself. It can get a bit overwhelming esp when you don't know where your cycle is (mine is only just starting to recover now).
Arabica, how are you getting on with your starflower?
Hope everyone else is OK. Bonkerz, Wishingchair, Littleweed, Madness, Bubble?

girlfromip · 12/04/2005 09:52

thanks george, I'm sure you're right. I think I'm just a little jealous of everyone on the ttc thread because, I can't help it but, I'm not there yet and can't seem to move on until my cycle gets regular. I'm sure my feelings are natural for what is happening to me. I guess I just miss that great sense of belonging we had - (a little pathetic of me)but of course I celebrate the ttc-ers and their sense of camaraderie! (spelling?)
Any way hope you are well too and Arabica if you're there. I'm trying to keep busy today and my chin up....

littleweed · 12/04/2005 12:37

Thnaks George. haven't posted for a while as feeling far too down to do it. Had my second ERPC on friday in 6 monhts. First was a blighted ovum discovered at 7 weeks. this time they gave me an early scan to reassure me (ha bloody ha) to discoveer that it had died at 6 weeks - no heartbeat. am devastated as I didn't think it would happen twice in a row, also cos I'm almost 40 i feel i'm in teh last chance saloon adn with that i feel that it must be my eggs thatare at fault _ i don't see what else it can be. my Dr has been great adn referred me to teh consultant asap. i just feel like i've had teh rug pulled from under me adn I feel really low. i've told people this time which I didn't do last time. all i want to do is cry. I feel every emotion youcan imagine adn getting through teh days is a real struggle. i'm trying to keep busy but finding it really hard. i hope evryone ele is having an easier time of it!!!!

wishingchair · 12/04/2005 12:42

Hi everyone ... I can't bring myself to talk about this with dh or anyone else as I know I'm probably being really silly so will ask you! I can feel myself start to get obsessed with the thought that something might happen to DD (she's 2). And because I am letting myself think these awful thoughts, I'm wondering (and I told you this is bordering on mad) in case I'm having a premonition something will happen.

I say this because when I was 7 wks with DS I wrote in my diary that I can't help but think it is all too good to be true and this pg will end in sadness. On the day I found out he'd died I had thought in the morning how awful it would be if they couldn't find a heartbeat when I went for my appointment. I also saw a lone magpie on my way into work so seeing them now freaks me out. Now I do need to say that I was starting to wonder if something was wrong as I didn't think I was as big as I should be and thought I should have been feeling regular movements so me wondering about heartbeats isn't that surprising.

But now I wonder if in my heart I knew this pregnancy wasn't a goer; and whether now when I imagine something awful happening to DD whether it's some kind of mother's instinct. Is this normal? Please tell me I'm not psychic and I'm just being hormonal and loopy. Does anyone else think these things? I'm going mad here.

And last thing ... the last time I got this crazy about it was when DD was 2/3 months old and the Iraq war was starting and there was lots of talk about terrorist attacks in london, and I had to go to my friend's birthday party and leave DD with a relative in London, and I couldn't do it because I had a dream about there being a terrorist attack and I couldn't get to her. It is 2 motnhs since I lost DS so maybe this is just my post-natal madness. Plus its my period too.

Sorry for the long message. Hoping someone can help! (lots of love to everyone by the way)

wishingchair · 12/04/2005 12:52

Oh littleweed I'm sorry - our posts must have crossed. I think you are right to tell people so they understand what you're going through and if you feel like crying you should. Don't feel under any pressure to get back on your feet. I'm sending you my love xxxxx

Bella23 · 12/04/2005 12:54

Wishing Chair - firstly I would like to point out that you are not being mad.
I think that because you have suffered such a terrible loss it has made you realise that bad things can happen. Most people coast through life not really thinking about what can go wrong until that is something does. Understandably you know feel more protective to your family as you have experienced the pain of losing part of it and therefore your mind is racing thinking of all the terrible things that could happen.
I think we all look back retrospectively to things and think that we knew deep down something was wrong but I think sometimes this is just the brain sorting through what happened and trying to make some sense of it.
My advice would be to try and recognise these thoughts as just fears and to not dwell on them too much. When they come, just then concentrate on the positives, eventually they will get fewer.
Hugs to you .....this is all part of the grieving process and if you find it doesn't get any better then I think perhaps you should seek some kind of counselling as they would be able to work through this with you.
Hope this helps a little

littleweed · 12/04/2005 12:55

wishing chair - nothing to add but hugs, adn say that i hate ba*rd magpies too..! i also waver between wanting to hug DS to bits adn not wanting to go near him beacuse I'm scared I might love him too much.

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