Missed miscarriage

[Armdjm]

Hello, I am just looking for any advice (preferably from NHS experience) as I know no one who has gone through this to ask.

I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, had a private scan yesterday which confirmed heart stopped at 6+4. I had a gut feeling (hence the scan) I can’t explain why as I still have all my symptoms.

I rang my local unit and went today for a scan who again confirmed the same as the private scan but are making us go back in 14 days for a re scan before I can have any medical management.

it just feels cruel and I have so many worries.
Will it happen naturally when it stopped so long ago?
can I end up with an infection with it just left there?
Will the NHS offer surgical management over tablets?

I just feel tortured

thank you to anyone who has read this!

@SophieRules my tests are still very positive. Though this morning it was not a dye stealer for the first time so I’m cautiously optimistic that my Hcg levels are dropping. What’s happened with you on your journey Sophie?

Hi ladies, first of all I want to say I’m so sorry for what you’ve all gone through, I’ve always had the deepest sympathies for anyone that loses a child/baby and now unfortunately (not in a bad way) I have now joined that club.

Im 10wks today and have my first midwife appt, but had some pain on weds evening before bed and some blood when I wiped.
Went to EPU y’day morning and was told my baby’s heartbeat was no longer there.
I had a scan four wks ago and baby was fine so to find out y’day that all was not well was absolutely awful.

I feel heartbroken, lost and alone, so was glad to come across this post and weirdly feel some kind of connection with you all. My partner is trying his best and also feels a bit helpless as do I, in terms of helping him through this too.

I have to decide what route to take and am leaning towards the surgical route as I don’t want to wait and see if/when it happens naturally.

Any tips on how to get through these first few days would be greatly appreciated, I do have children already, but I’m finding it hard to function without bursting into tears.
I have no friends who have gone through this so feel like they won’t understand.

Sorry for the long post and TIA x

@CrazyIsLife im so sorry you’ve found yourself in this same position.

I think from my experience (everyone’s is different) I went for surgical mostly because I have a young daughter who at the time was 17 months and I will be completely honest I was struggling to even look after her without my head being somewhere else and just crying every time I looked at her. Luckily my husband stayed off work so he did a lot of the parenting. And because of this i just wanted it over with.

I felt very alone also as no one I know had been through this and all the feelings I had no one could tell me if it was normal. I felt terrified to leave the house, I felt like everyone in the street knew I was carrying around a baby who no longer had a heartbeat it was so strange.

This group has helped me so much so please ask anything!

I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you have anyone around who can help out with the kids while you are going through this? It is a terrible thing to happen, and it can feel so lonely.

It was baby loss awareness week this week, how is everyone doing?

I lit a candle for my losses and had a bit of a cry. It was quite cathartic !
Sending lots of love. I think it is good to have solidarity during these awareness weeks but it is also triggering!

Sorry I’m so slow to reply this week.

@PurpleOrchids12345 @SophieRules @WildFinch @Lalalala77 @CrazyIsLife @TruthUnwinding I am so sorry that you’ve become a part of this ‘club’.

It truly is the most isolating and intense time and I wish that none of us had to experience it. Like @Armdjm said, this group really helped me to feel less alone and to understand the different options I had for management and how to get through all the emotion.

I am now 5 months past my miscarriage (which was my 1st pregnancy) and I can honestly say it does get better. I felt like I’d never get out of the world of miscarriage and loss and while I haven’t forgotten it’s so much easier now.

I had an MVA under local anaesthetic. I wrote a post about it and happy to link with the full experience if it’s helpful to anyone.

Sending everyone hugs and happy to answer any questions too x

Like @Bellebg says, it honestly does get easier even though at the time it absolutely does not feel like it. I felt like I’d never want to try again and felt like I’d never get over what had happened and I’m 3 months on and although it’s still sad it doesn’t hold the same gut wrenching consuming feeling it did at the time and I’m looking forward to another pregnancy hopefully in the near future!

@TruthUnwinding I lit a candle too and had a little cry. It’s nice there is a time for everyone to bring awareness to it!

I had a negative two weeks after medical management but they said there seemed to be a clot ‘or something’ there and a period should flush everything out.

Hope everyone is doing ok and welcome to everyone who has just found themselves in this rubbish club no-one wants to be a member of!

@CrazyIsLife Here are some of the things that helped me in those first few awful days:

• staying off work with my kid in nursery, so I had time to just be sad and grieve the baby I wasn't having but was still carrying (and just processing the absolute mindfuck that that was)
• doing something busy and practical with my hands so I didn't spend endless hours on the internet (I did a sewing project and did some heavy gardening work)
• getting out of the house every day and noticing nice things (a friendly dog, a butterfly)
• trying to be really present in the moment with DS - I found that surprisingly quickly I could enjoy something like playing at the beach or reading him a story

I read some journalists' accounts about their miscarriages - because good writing helps me to feel connected with other people:
https://uterusmonologues.com/about/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/13/hadley-freeman-miscarriage-silence-around-it

I also found myself listening to a lot of geeky podcasts about anything except miscarriage that gave my brain something else to think about. And read some novels and memoirs that were also not MC related.

There is a podcast called "The worst girl gang ever" which has some episodes about missed miscarriage and other aspects of baby loss. It wasn't what I needed at the time, but it's very popular and a lot of people get a lot from it.

A bit further down the line, I made a list of milestones back to normality (back to work, bleeding stops, negative pregnancy test, first period after MC) which I am still working through, but which are a good reminder of how I am getting through this and have lots of things to look forward to.

Thanks all for the warm welcome 😊

@PurpleOrchids12345 I've tested positive since the MMC - had a blood test last Friday with HCG of 13 and progesterone of 4.8 so they didn’t think it was a new pregnancy. My test today was much lighter so fingers crossed it’s coming to an end and I can start TTC this cycle!
I’m sorry that things are still ongoing for you at the moment, hopefully everything passes naturally for you soon.

@CrazyIsLife I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it’s truly heart breaking. I echo everyone else though on that it really does get better. I was also bursting into tears in the days following finding out and the actual miscarriage but in time it will get easier. That’s not to say I’ve stopped obsessing over it all yet though! I miscarried spontaneously both times but during my most recent one I wish I had gotten surgery instead of waiting as I didn’t have control over when it would happen and it was pretty painful (but bearable if you do go down that route). My first miscarriage wasn’t as painful oddly so it can be different each time. It’s a personal decision but I’m sure there’s many different experiences in this group who can help guide your decision if you want it. Sending you loads of hugs.

Finally finished my first period post MMC so now looking forward to TTC again! My mum is coming to stay tonight for 5 days though so might have to be a bit sneaky with it 😅

Sorry you are going through this, what helped me was

-Being busy at work (but I did need time off for pain)
-Talking to my friends and sister, some of who have been through it
-Hearing about those who had miscarriages but then got pregnant again
-Continually reminding myself how common miscarriages are
-Being grateful that I have the ability to conceive with my husband
-just telling myself as sad as it is, it just wasn’t meant to be and there will be a right time

x

Morning all, thank you all so so much for all your responses with advice, kindness and honesty, I’ve taken note of them all.

I’m not 100% sure, but I think it may have started early hours this morning, I was woken up by quite a bit of pain. I’ve just taken some paracetamol so hoping that helps (I don’t usually take any meds, but feel this is something I should allow for).

I did call the EPU y’day and they got back to me saying Tues is available for me to come in and have the surgery. I was hoping I could hold off until then as I don’t think I’m able to let it happen naturally through fear of being traumatised, that’s not to say any of the routes are less traumatic.

I’m a very active person usually so being laid up in pain is so restricting for me, but once the meds set in, I’ll see to sorting the kids breakfast etc.

Partner has to work today for a couple of hours so I’m in charge of my kids and his which is a welcome distraction.

I hope you are all feeling okay, it’s uplifting to see that things do get better and some of you are TTC, I’m terrified to try again, but also was so excited to meet our little one.

You really are truly inspirational and I’m glad to have this thread to help me through this journey - sending you all positives xx

That should have said “positive vibes”, but thinking about it, also sending you BFP for those trying 🤞🏽

@CrazyIsLife oh bless you I was the same I was terrified it would happen on its own before my surgery I don’t even know why but I just had such a fear about it. Do you think it has progressed? if you do make it to the surgery I took paracetamol the night of my surgery (same as you I never take anything) then never needed anymore and was back to normal physically the next day although maybe I pushed it a bit far as I was a bit sore that evening.

Honestly the thought of trying again at the time terrified me, I was adamant we never would because I felt so traumatised by what had happened, but for me that feeling quickly went away and I actually am really excited to fall pregnant again which I didn’t think I would be especially only 3 months later

Sorry you're joining us @CrazyIsLife excellent advice from folks on this thread. It does get better. My first pregnancy ended in MMC in July with surgical management under general anesthetic on 23 July. It took my body a while to recover. I'm just having my first period now, so around 12 weeks later. Maybe that's my age, I've just turned 39. Hope you're doing as well as possible and take the drugs if you need them. I actually had very little pain after the surgery.

Hi all, hope I could join for some support as really struggling now 😔
Today we had 8w scan (or maybe a bit earlier), but dr couldn't find a heartbeat, said 6w1d by measurement and whether my dates could be wrong... Unfortunately I don't think, or actually sure should be more than 6w. Also at 6w supposed to be a heartbeat in any case 😥
She said to come to rescan on Friday to be sure and then decide how to proceed.. After reading all posts here I think I would go for a surgery, really scared of a long painful wait..

This will be the end of the journey for us, I am 42, and it was the last hope after lots of chemicals and none of the viable embryos after ivf.. We are blessed with kids, just this dream is not realistic anymore and this is the most difficult part to accept we failed.

Sorry for everyone who also had to go through this, it is very difficult 😞

@TT82 i am so sorry you are joining us! It’s difficult isn’t it when they say dates could be wrong when you know they aren’t, I had the same thing and I just felt like they were trying to give me a glimmer of hope that I knew wasn’t there.

I am sorry you’ve also been through chemical pregnancies along the way!

I took the surgical option as by the time of my re scan the baby heart had stopped 3 weeks before and I just thought it would have happened on its own by then if it was going to. Also wanted to just go to sleep and wake up and it be over and not be at home doing medical management with my young daughter at home. But I think everyone on here shares the good and bad experiences of all the methods and it’s really helpful. I think everyone’s experience is so different. My surgical management recovery was very painless. My only thing is since the MC my periods have been incredibly painful which I’ve never had before. This is my 3rd one since and the pain hasn’t died down so don’t know if this is my new normal/from surgery/just a change in periods after another pregnancy I’m not sure.

This group is so supportive and helpful during the worst time

@TT82 I'm really really really sorry to hear about your lost. I am in a very similiar position- am 41 and there was no heart beat found at my scan around 8 weeks. I was sure of my dates and of course the follow-up scan a week later confirmed a missed miscarriage. A trial of expectant management didn't work and I went on to have medical management. There is still a clot in my uterus at my last scan and if my pregnancy tests are still positive in 2 weeks I will have an MVA. I have opted for the least invasive option but if I end up with an MVA , i suspect I may kick myself for not choosing for option to begin with and avoid so many horrible weeks of waiting!

I have found this group to be very supportive and kind, and I hope you dont feel alone. I am in my 40s like you, and totally feel like time is not on my side. You are not alone.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this loss and experience @TT82. I know we’ve all said on here that waiting and unknown really is tough so hoping you have easier days coming your way. We are all here for you!

I had an MVA and found the speed of the procedure and it all suddenly being ‘over’ really helped me. Of course depends on how you’re feeling but it definitely was the right choice for me if that’s useful to know.

Take care and thinking of you this week! X

@Bellebg , @PurpleOrchids12345 , @Armdjm thank you so much for your support and sharing your experience 🙏
Nobody knows we are trying for a 3d dreamed child for years (2nd with my DH), so I can not cry even to anyone but my husband. At my age they think we are done, especially when my eldest is an adult now.
So having this support really valuable ❤️
I will go for a full surgical as have a low pain threshold and from fear of anticipating a pain can faint.. Also cannot cope mentally to wait.. I wish the dr just said sorry it is mmc, but I guess they need to protect themselves.

Sorry you’re joining us @TT82, sending love.
I had medical management and if I could turn back time I wish I had gone for surgical..

Also sorry to hear you’re suffering with your periods @Armdjm. I was getting my hopes up because my luteal phase has been getting longer with each cycle then this cycle was 21 days total and I’m on CD2 of a heavy and painful period.. feels like a cruel game that I don’t know the rules for at the moment 🙄

@Confusedmermaid1 ive only really had 2 proper cycles since my surgery, obviously 1 period after the surgery which I can’t really count as a cycle as it was 6 weeks. But since my 1st one was 29 days with a 9-10 day luteal phase and this one was 35 days with a 11-12 day luteal phase. It’s hard when you don’t know when to actually expect your period as like you I really got my hopes up this month with it being longer than the month before! But yes mine was extremely painful now compared to before my MMC.

@TT82 I'm so sorry - I had a similar wait for them to officially confirm the mmc and it was excruciating at first - although they were quite frank that it was a formality in my case. I think in the long run it did weirdly help a bit though, as it gave me a few days to just grieve the baby I was carrying, before having to start the management process.

@TT82 sorry to hear your experience. It's so tough isn't it. I opted straight for surgical management, it was a general anesthetic, they didn't offer local where I live. I was lucky in that I found out at a private scan then confirmed NHS the next day. I didn't have to wait, perhaps because they had seen a heartbeat at a scan two weeks earlier. Anyway, I've just had my first period it took nearly 12 weeks to come back but I am finding it easier now to look forward.

@Armdjm sorry to hear about your painful periods. I weirdly had little pain with this period despite it being 12 weeks in the making. Normally I have really bad cramps for the first day. Hormones have so much to answer for!

I'm currently going through this and I'm so glad I've stumbled across this thread this evening as it feels like such a lonely place to be.

Due to an ectopic six months ago, I've had scans at 5, 6, 7 and 8 weeks. There's been growth each time but not enough and at last Friday's 8-week scan they said I was measuring 5w5d (a 3mm foetal pole, no heartbeat yet) which clearly means it's not viable but frustratingly all they would say in EPU is to 'keep positive'. Not only am I certain of my dates but the HCG tests and scan at 5 weeks clearly indicated I was 5 weeks at that point. The thought of waiting until 1 November (the 10-week point) to have this confirmed is breaking me as I've known something wasn't right since the 6-week scan and I just want this over with and closure now.

I had a miscarriage in February at the 5-week mark and that was painful enough so want surgical management this time (under general) even though I'm worried this will bring back bad memories of the ectopic (going from a scan down to emergency surgery in the space of an hour).

Just wondered how long everyone had to wait between having the miscarriage confirmed and surgical management? I don't know whether to try and bring my scan forward by a few days as my EPU is always manic on a Friday... unsure why the other scans were all one week apart and this one needs to be two weeks.

Sorry for the long post. Three losses in 9 months is a lot and it's just good to get it off my chest. Sending love to everyone who has found themselves in this horrible situation.