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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

This forum seems so quiet...

170 replies

SnookyPook · 18/04/2023 08:24

... I know everyone is grieving but I just miss the comraderie of the Pregnancy board and just feeling so sad knowing they are still all excitedly discussing their pregnancies. There were constant updates and things to catch up on every time I logged on. This time last week I was chatting with them and oblivious to what was coming... I just feel so sad right now and everything is so quiet and sad here by comparison. I guess I'm just coming to terms with the loss some more.

I burst into tears trying to think what to have for breakfast just now because I feel like what's the point now it's not nourishing my little one any more?

Sorry I don't know what I'm wanting to say. How is everyone else getting on? Anyone else right in the thick of it? Anyone further down the line and starting to feel little glimmers if hope again? Hope you're all ok. X

OP posts:
Eggling · 18/04/2023 08:40

Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here if you want to talk Smile

I had a miscarriage back in February / March (the whole thing lasted a month from start to finish), of a long awaited ivf pregnancy. It's been really hard, I'm not going to lie, and there have been some dark dark days. However, you asked about hope, and I just have some as we are gearing up to start ivf again! So it will come back, it is just a very complicated sort of grief as you are mourning all the dreams you had for your little one, and every week that goes by you are mourning that next milestone - i should be around 16 weeks now and seeing a friend at the weekend who is 18 weeks was pretty hard tbh. I've found it very up and down throughout, but clinging to what i truly believe which is that I will have another baby. When you are ready, I really really hope you will too.

sending hugs x

Hankthehonk · 18/04/2023 09:04

@SnookyPook I'm so sorry for your loss. My mc was 5 weeks ago and while the grief isn't quite so raw, I had a tough day yesterday and cried for ages last night.

I have found the "Journey after miscarriage support thread" to be a wonderful, supportive space where the camaraderie can be felt. I'm also back on some TTC threads since I ovulated last week.

What you said about breakfast really hit me, I have thoughts like that at random times every day. Today is my first day back in the office (I started back at work after 3 weeks but I've been working at home) and all I can think is the last time I was here, I was pregnant. Actually the last time I was here I was showing my colleagues scan photos as we'd just had a positive scan a few days before I miscarried.

That said, I definitely am feeling hopeful and happy some of the time. Things I have found helpful are: focusing on fitness and nutrition, looking after my body for me and also for fertility as we want to get pregnant again asap.
I went to Paris with a friend for a couple of days, just to drink wine in the sun, talk things out and have no responsibilities. I was surprised how much I was able to enjoy myself, I think getting away from home really helped. I spent the money I would have saved for mat leave last month on that trip.
I've also booked a staycation to our favourite place over the due date. I'm a planner so I guess I'm partially coping by making new plans.
Sorry this won't help if you are trying for your first baby but my daughter has got me through it, I'm more grateful for her than ever and she makes me smile every day.
And I have prioritised spending time with friends who have experienced loss themselves. I knew I'd find it too hard to be around a dear friend who is due a couple of weeks before I would have been - she has had MCs before so she understands that I just can't see her yet.
Finally, obsessing over ttc. LH testing, BBT tracking, two apps. Thinking about new potential timelines for a future pregnancy helps me not dwell so much on how things "should be".

Sorry that became a very long post! Sending you a hug, you are not alone x

SnookyPook · 18/04/2023 10:05

Thank you both so much for your replies! 🥰

@Eggling goodness that must have been so hard after ivf as well. I'm really glad that you are at a point of beginning to feel some hope and gearing up to try again. It's so strange isn't it. Hubby and I have already talked about where we're up to and we would like to try again fairly soon, though I also want to make sure I do give myself the space I need to recover first. It's a tough balance because part of me is longing to be pregnant again and almost put this 'behind me', and part just knows that a future pregnancy will be so tough emotionally etc. I guess you deal with it as it happens.

@Hankthehonk thank you, I will try to hunt that thread out. Bless you that must be quite tough being back in today and having the memories of last time. It's crazy the way things just hit you out of the blue isn't it. Only my boss knew about the pregnancy but I think I will ask her to let people know as I don't want to hurry back so they will also be bothered I'm off. We are also working on several projects involving families with young babies etc at the moment (psychology researcher at a Uni) and I really don't know what aspects might wallop me at various moments so I think it would be helpful for colleagues to know I may sometimes need to step back.

I do actually have a DS and he is my little ray of sunshine. He turned 2 in January and is at such a lovely age. I must say that being able to snuggle him and just interact with him is helping a lot in various ways. I do feel extremely lucky to have him.

We also have a week in Italy booked at the start of May and I think that will do us the world of good so it's nice to hear that you have found trips beneficial and giving you something else to focus on and enjoy.

I do know that I will be ok but it's just so surreal moment to moment. Sometimes I almost forget I was actually pregnant and it seems like a weird dream and then it hits me that I was and I've gone through this loss etc... So weird.

Thanks again for messaging. Hugs to you both 💖

OP posts:
Hankthehonk · 18/04/2023 10:22

@SnookyPook I'll tag you on that thread!
I am actually glad that my whole team knew I was pregnant and then about the miscarriage, because it means they are giving me the space and understanding I need. If they just thought I was off sick in a "normal" way I think I would have felt more pressure to be normal/perform highly etc. I don't have it in me to pretend I haven't gone through this loss. But I know everyone is different in terms of privacy etc.

Sorry that your work is potentially triggering for you. Personally, I am finding it difficult to see or be around pregnant women, I haven't found it hard to see or spend time with babies. Again we're all different though.

I'm so glad you have your son. My wee girl will be 3 in July and she's my sunshine as well, she's joyful, hilarious and changing so much all the time. It was hard to explain to her that the baby isn't in my tummy anymore. She asks at random moments where it is, and the other night said "I know mummy, let's put the baby back in!" which obviously reduced me to floods of tears.

That is great about your holiday as well, I hope you can focus on planning for and looking forward to that.

I recognise your last paragraph as well about just remembering randomly. I don't think that will stop, it might get easier once we're finally pregnant again? I know I'll be mega anxious if/when that happens too though!

Eggling · 18/04/2023 10:54

@SnookyPook it's so important to take the time to recover. I have been doing some counselling and one thing she has said is try at it's important to actually feel the grief as otherwise you can't process it. This is one thing I'm finding hard as I think I've been trying to distract myself with plans for trying again etc - those moments where I actually have to acknowledge it are so hard and overwhelming that it's hard to sit in them. It's so important to do so though.

Your holiday in May sounds lovely. My DD is similar age to your son (turning 2 end of may) and I have definitely been relishing her cuddles!

Completely understand your point about feeling like it was all a dream. I'm the same, it's like I can't believe I was even pregnant and it comes back to it being so hard to acknowledge the loss when it does hit. It's a hard road to walk and feels very lonely, but you're not alone Flowers

Backtobed · 18/04/2023 10:58

I know how you're feeling OP, I had a MC on Easter Sunday. Today I would have been going for my first (early) scan. In fact I should be there now.

It was actually really sad for me to have to hide the thread I was on, I couldn't bare seeing everyone continue on the conversation and progressing and all of a sudden it was all gone for me.

I hope we are both on a pregnancy thread soon 💕

SnookyPook · 18/04/2023 11:21

@Backtobed big hugs to you. It's not a nice place to be. Yes I had to find a way of hiding it as notifications kept appearing and upsetting me. My official scan wasn't meant to be until 28th April (I'd have been almost 14wks so very relieved I didn't have the wait until then to find out) - I think it will be a tough day. One step at a time...

@Hankthehonk oh bless her, little ones are so naive and innocent in it all aren't they. The day we found out we'd lost the baby, my little one chose that day to excitedly say for the first time "baby! Baby in tummy!" I had to gently say "no I'm afraid the baby had to go away... Bye bye baby" and he looked really thoughtful and somber but doesn't really have a clue. It was so poignant having to say it out loud like that to him.

@Eggling yes it's so important to process these things isn't it. I don't want to rush through and store up problems for later. One day at a time. Just trying to ride the waves as they hit. 💕

OP posts:
HistoryFanatic · 19/04/2023 19:04

Eggling · 18/04/2023 08:40

Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here if you want to talk Smile

I had a miscarriage back in February / March (the whole thing lasted a month from start to finish), of a long awaited ivf pregnancy. It's been really hard, I'm not going to lie, and there have been some dark dark days. However, you asked about hope, and I just have some as we are gearing up to start ivf again! So it will come back, it is just a very complicated sort of grief as you are mourning all the dreams you had for your little one, and every week that goes by you are mourning that next milestone - i should be around 16 weeks now and seeing a friend at the weekend who is 18 weeks was pretty hard tbh. I've found it very up and down throughout, but clinging to what i truly believe which is that I will have another baby. When you are ready, I really really hope you will too.

sending hugs x

Just to give you hope. I had a miscarriage (IVF) whilst trying to conceive a sibling for my DD who is also IVF. About two years later after saving funds and covid I used another frozen embryo and had my son.

Miscarried at 10 weeks at the end of March with a surprise natural pregnancy. Feel a bit awful for thinking why are other IVF ladies getting to keep their natural pregnancies but I couldn't? Luckily my older child didn't know about it and my youngest is too young to know. Good luck for your next round. I think I would have been about 14 weeks now.

Mummytobe2023 · 19/04/2023 19:15

Hi ladies,

A post I didn’t ever want to write, but I found out today I’ve had a MMC. I was 9+2 but baby stopped growing at 7+2 from my private scan. Local EPU have been great and saw me today to confirm with a vaginal scan and have me booked in tomorrow at 8.30am for medically managed treatment.

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

WhiteHorse92 · 19/04/2023 19:30

Just come on to say I'm also going through this. This time last week I was looking forward to my Christmas baby and now it's all over. I have a beautiful son who has just turned 2, it was my first pregnancy and everything was fine. Started trying for a second in the new year, fell pregnant first cycle in January but ended in a chemical at 4.5 weeks. I was disappointed but thought, well, it happens, I'm sure everything will be fine next time and I wasn't expecting to fall pregnant first month trying anyway. I then fell pregnant again 2 months later and found out I was expecting on 2nd April. I had a nice strong line on the pregnancy test, I had pregnancy symptoms, I felt absolutely fine, had such a lovely day at work Thursday last week and then took my little boy swimming last Friday and had such a lovely morning, I felt like everything was going to be fine. Had a nap Friday afternoon whilst my toddler was napping, went upstairs when he woke up and went to the toilet only to see I was bleeding slightly, I was 5+5. I was trying not to panic, I thought it was only a little bit it might be normal. I had a spare pregnancy test in the draw and decided to use it to reassure myself as I knew I'd have a dye stealer at this point. I was wrong. The line was there but no darker than the one 11 days previously and that was still lighter than the control line. I knew something was going wrong and HCG levels must be dropping. The tiny bit of bleeding turned to spotting which quickly turned to full on red period type bleeding with period type cramps, I knew it was over then. I did another test the next day, the line was so faint it was almost negative. I genuinely thought I'd be having another baby this year. I was starting to make plans, thinking about scan dates and had my first midwife appointment booked. I'd had a healthy pregnancy before, I had no reason to think anything could go wrong. I think it's one of those things you think it won't happen to you.... Until it does.

Fast forward to today, I'm slowly coming to terms with it, I think. The first few days in the evening after taking my toddler to bed I'd sit in the dark and cry. I still feel so sad but feel like it's getting better slightly each day. Everytime I open the kitchen cupboard the folic acid and decaf coffee beans are there, and then I remember I don't need them anymore... I'm trying to think of the positives... I have my gorgeous son, I don't have any issues falling pregnant, I've had a healthy pregnancy before, at least I miscarried naturally early on and didn't find out at a scan. I know it's one of those things, it happens a lot, 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, it doesn't make the pain any less though. That's my story anyway. I don't really know anyone in real life who's been through a miscarriage so just being able to write my thoughts down here feels like a relief somewhat. I feel so empty and alone but I feel less alone here and hope you feel less alone too 🩷

Swillis09 · 19/04/2023 20:21

I really felt that comment about breakfast! I’m having an awful day today emotionally. I had my operation on Monday and I was actually doing ok yesterday, was joking with my partner and planned a nice day out today. When I woke up I just didn’t have it in me, i jsut wanted to stay in bed and not speak to anyone.

I even went to help my partner bring the shopping in and for a split second thought “oh I shouldn’t be carrying this bag it might be too heavy” and then thought “oh wait, I’m not pregnant anymore.” It’s awful looking at plans for the year, hen dos, weddings, concerts thinking - I’ll be 5 months pregnant then, 7 months pregnant for that etc, now I’m not going to pregnant for any of it and it makes you feel so empty. My partner said we’d book a holiday which would be lovely but the truth is Im not looking forward to any of it - I just want my little baby back but I know that’s not possible.

I suppose it’s just going to be a slow process and each day will be different. First pregnancy and first miscarriage so Just praying I will get a baby one day!

sending love and strength to each of you as well ❤️

SnookyPook · 19/04/2023 21:17

@HistoryFanatic so sorry for your recent loss. 😔 Hope you are doing ok

@Mummytobe2023 so sorry for your loss 😔 it's just a pain like no other isn't it. I'm really glad that your EPU were kind - mine were fantastic and it did make a horrible time that little bit more bearable. I really hope that your treatment tomorrow goes as well as possible and that it provides some peace/relief to know that the worst is over. Then the healing can properly begin. 💕

@WhiteHorse92 so sorry got your loss 😔 really glad we can be here for you though. I think it really does help to talk to people who 'get it'. You're so right about the thinking it won't happen to you... It's made me realise just how lucky I was with my first pregnancy. Any future ones now will be much more anxiety-filled I'm sure but will cross that bridge when and if we get to it. The little things like the decaf products etc can really hit you can't they? My DH poured me a glass of wine the other night and I almost couldn't drink it. Anyway, I'm glad you feel less alone here with us - happy to chat whenever you need. Hugs!

@Swillis09 again, so sorry for your loss. We've been chatting a bit on your thread too. How are you doing now since your surgery? Your shopping bag comment really hit me as I did the same thing the other day 😌 Completely get you on the not having it in you. I was in my pyjamas until 4pm today as I just couldn't motivate myself to get dressed. I'm trying to do something each day. I have a golden retriever who is such a good boy and hasn't left my side since I miscarried. He has been following me everywhere, sleeping at my side etc. So I'm trying to take him for a walk each day. And when my toddler gets home after nursery he does keep me busy in the evenings which helps. But I just don't feel like doing much at all.

Hopefully we will all get our rainbow babies when we are ready to try again. In the meantime, it really is lovely to be able to chat, though obviously gutted for you all that you are also going through this. Hugs all round ❤️

OP posts:
Hankthehonk · 19/04/2023 22:02

@Mummytobe2023 @Swillis09 I'm so so sorry for your losses.
I really get what you said about plans and how pregnant you'd expected to be. We have a family wedding in the summer and I thought I'd need a maternity dress, cried buckets the other night suddenly remembering I won't need to anymore. I guess all these milestones and triggers might lessen over time but this is true grief we're experiencing so I suppose it will never be completely gone. It amazes me that so many women go through this and just function, because we have no choice.

BuzzieBo · 19/04/2023 22:51

Hey everyone,

Thanks @SnookyPook for sending me to this thread. It's so helpful to hear of people going through the same situation and emotions as me as I'm feeling pretty alone.

I had a miscarriage with my first baby at 11 weeks, just over a month ago. I feel that it's something you just couldn't understand unless you've been there.

Anyone got any tips for managing being around pregnant friends? I've got two close friends/colleagues who have just announced their both pregnant. I hate to admit it but the jealously and anger is starting to get the better of me! I'm really struggling to even be around them...not ideal when we work together!

BuzzieBo · 19/04/2023 23:03

@Swillis09 I'm so sorry for your loss.

I completely understand not wanting to go on holiday! I normally love a holiday so a couple of weeks after my miscarriage my partner booked a weekend in Rome, thinking he was doing a nice thing.

I was dreading it. It was the last thing I needed. I had spent the days before in bed, crying, unable to even get myself dressed, let alone fly to Rome!! But... I put on a brave face and at the end of our first day there I realised for the first time since the miscarriage I had been able to think about other things! I had spent every minute before thinking of my miscarriage and the trip really allowed me to just have a break away from it all.

SnookyPook · 19/04/2023 23:57

@BuzzieBo so glad you've joined us here 💕

Sorry I don't really have advice on the friends front. One of my good friends is due in June and my SIL at the end of July. So far, because they are quite far ahead of me I've managed to kind of compartmentalise a bit - also I don't see them too regularly... But I was meant to be arranging the baby shower for my friend 😬 Another friend has stepped in and taken that on but I still need to decide if I can face going etc. The date of it will be exactly one month after the scan where I found we'd lost little one 😔

No easy answers are there. I'm just trying to be kind to myself and hoping that loved ones will understand as much as they can and make some accommodations for me when needed. Part of that will be me trying to be brave and communicate when I'm feeling vulnerable etc. 🤷🏼‍♀️ One day at a time..

OP posts:
SnookyPook · 20/04/2023 18:48

How's everyone doing today? I had a fairly good day and managed to shower and dress before midday etc and felt some hope for the future and then this evening I'm just feeling really rubbish again 😞

OP posts:
Swillis09 · 20/04/2023 21:33

@SnookyPook aw I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling this evening. It really does come in waves so suddenly… I had a bit of a better day then yesterday - managed to go out for the day but trying to push it to back of your head is really difficult! when I suddenly get upset partner keeps asking what’s brought it on and what’s triggered it. He’s only trying to help but I keep trying to explain that nothing triggers it, you just get this really horrible empty feeling that takes over. Had a work colleague who’s wife gave birth this evening as well so hearing all the congratulations has been a hard pill to swallow as well!

I started reading about celebrities who have opened up about miscarriages as well which has been an odd sense of comfort for some reason!

rest up and be kind to yourself ❤️

Hankthehonk · 20/04/2023 21:42

@SnookyPook so sorry to hear that. I had a similar thing for the first couple of weeks after my mc. I seemed to run out of energy and just needed to lie down and cry by late afternoon each day.
It still just hits me randomly at times but less often. I haven't cried about it since Sunday which I think is a record. But the tears are important, we need to feel all these feelings, as tough as it is. Sending a hug x

BuzzieBo · 20/04/2023 21:50

I had a horrible night and morning, didn't get out of bed until midday but had a better afternoon and evening. It really does come in waves and I thought I would be feeling better than I am by now.

I've also read up on celebrities who have had miscarriages - it was strangely helpful.

Just wondering - has only else considered or had therapy after their miscarriage? I'm not sure if I'm bordering on depression or if this is just all part of a normal grieving process.

SnookyPook · 20/04/2023 22:50

Thanks ladies. Yes it does indeed hit in waves. I'm just trying to ride all the ups and downs - it's all you can do isn't it.

@Swillis09 ah bless him. My DH is slightly baffled too I think. I don't think the pregnancy had become real for him yet so the loss hasn't quite hit him the same way. I tried to explain to him earlier that empty feeling you described above - that's exactly it.

@Hankthehonk yes the crying is exhausting but necessary. Hugs to you too.

@BuzzieBo that was me yesterday! Think I was in bed until 1pm yesterday! It's like sleeping provided some relief from having to face reality. This morning I woke feeling quite positive and motivated to get up and out but by the time I'd showered and dressed I had used up all my reserves for another few hours! I wouldn't rule therapy out, although I feel it's such early days that I need to kind of work through the grief a bit more on my own first. I feel like my reaction is probably well within normal bounds (and talking to you ladies is helpful in they regard too) but of course that doesn't mean that I won't need extra support with it. Have you looked up the miscarriage association? They have a number which I've considered calling once or twice. Could be a good middle ground before therapy to kind of talk things over etc.

Interesting that a couple of you have taken comfort from celebrity stories - not something I'd considered looking up but maybe I will now.

OP posts:
WhiteHorse92 · 20/04/2023 22:54

I think I feel much better today. The bleeding has stopped now so at least I feel like it's over, physically, at least. I was trying to process the whole thing this morning and just kept telling myself that obviously something went wrong when sperm met egg and it wasn't developing properly and my body did the right thing and did what it needed to do. I guess I need some kind of positive way of looking at it. I agree the evenings are the worst. During the day my toddler is a good distraction but once he's in bed and I have time to myself in the evening the whole thing comes to the front of my mind again. I haven't cried for a few days now so hopefully I'm slowly healing x

Swillis09 · 21/04/2023 08:34

I had a sudden panic this morning and I don’t even know where it’s come from!
i have a beagle who has a dog crate (we never actually close it, she just likes small spaces). Last week when I was pregnant still, I moved the crate a few inches back and felt a twinge in my stomach muscles and remember thinking “oh god, I shouldn’t have done that”. Later that night I got a tiny bit of bleeding and any time around then would have been when the baby’s heart stopped. Now I’m so worried it was me that caused it, even though I know the likelihood is so tiny!

Is anyone else thinking about the days leading up the miscarriage and wondering if you did anything wrong? X

SnookyPook · 21/04/2023 09:24

Morning all. Goodness I woke up so angry and sad today. I've been crying since I woke up. It's a week today since we found out that we'd lost little one 😞 I think you mark the weeks so much when pregnant it's just hit me extra hard today.

@Swillis09 the nurses were so keen to impress on me that it was nothing I did and that unfortunately some little ones just aren't viable - I am taking them at their word and I do actually believe that. It's also one benefit I suppose of it having happened weeks before I knew is that I can't dissect the moments leading up to it because I don't really remember how things were around the time it's heart would have stopped. I really highly doubt that what you described played any part in things. Viable baby's are actually super resilient and you hear of pregnant women going through all sorts and the baby still being fine. If it makes you feel any better I was lugging my 2 stone toddler round loads throughout and I'm sure women's bodies are designed to do such things whilst carrying another child.

It is highly likely to be chromosomal/developmental in the first trimester. The gestation I lost mine at is when there is loads of neural development so I suspect there was an issue with the brain/nerves. Of course we can never know for absolute sure. Please don't torment yourself too much with what-ifs etc. I really do think that a viable baby will find a way.

These little ones knew nothing but love and nourishment and a safe home inside us and unfortunately they just weren't for this world. 💔💕

OP posts:
BuzzieBo · 21/04/2023 13:12

@Swillis09 I often think about all the things I may of done to cause it, I think it's a natural response to want to know why. But everything @SnookyPook has said is so right! I try and tell myself that my body did the right thing as the baby wasn't viable, rather thinking my body is wrong or let me down.
Sorry to hear of that you are both having a difficult morning. I try to set myself one small task, even if it's just making a cup of tea, which can help.

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