This forum seems so quiet...

[SnookyPook]

... I know everyone is grieving but I just miss the comraderie of the Pregnancy board and just feeling so sad knowing they are still all excitedly discussing their pregnancies. There were constant updates and things to catch up on every time I logged on. This time last week I was chatting with them and oblivious to what was coming... I just feel so sad right now and everything is so quiet and sad here by comparison. I guess I'm just coming to terms with the loss some more.

I burst into tears trying to think what to have for breakfast just now because I feel like what's the point now it's not nourishing my little one any more?

Sorry I don't know what I'm wanting to say. How is everyone else getting on? Anyone else right in the thick of it? Anyone further down the line and starting to feel little glimmers if hope again? Hope you're all ok. X

@BuzzieBo couldn't have said it better myself! I really feel like giving myself the space and compassion to just sob and rage and whatever in those first dark days has been really beneficial now. I can't quite believe how far I've come in just under a month. Obviously there are still sad moment etc but like you, I do feel like I've processed it a lot and reached a place of acceptance and now I am feeling hope again and feeling like there are definitely better days ahead.

Your comments about surrounding yourself with the right people are also spot on. This has brought me closer to some friends and put distance in with some others but I feel ok about it all. The friendships that have strengthened from this have been a really unexpected and beautiful silver lining and I'm choosing to see that as a gift from little bean for showing me where the best people in my life are and where to focus my energy. 💕

Hey all, just wanted to check in and see how you are all doing? Also wanted to get your advice... my husband and I have been trying again since I had my first period after the miscarriage. It's way to early really to say (haven't done a test yet but suspect it would show as negative) but I've been having the same symptoms I had when I fell pregnant in January these past few days so suspect it might be that...

Now for the question! I am off on a hen do this weekend, 3 days in Ireland, it's going to be mainly pubs and bars and everyone will be drunk. Do you think I need to stay completely sober for the whole thing? I'm worried that if I do turn out to be pregnant, have a drink or two and then have another miscarriage I will always blame myself... also if I'm not pregnant and I don't drink I'll regret it as it won't be fun at all! Wise Mumsnet, please help, what do I do?

Hi @sweetpotato29 good to hear your update. Fingers crossed for you! It’s a tricky question… In all likelihood a drink or two over three days probably wouldn’t make any difference to the success of a pregnancy. But I can understand not wanting to risk it in case it does then go wrong and you worry it was caused by drinking. Would the timings be right to test just before you go, or even while you’re out there?

Another way to think of it: would it make a difference to fun levels having just a drink or two, or would you still feel sober and have no fun compared to the rest of the group? If one drink wouldn’t make a huge difference to enjoyment levels, but would increase stress levels, it might be worth going without.

Just thinking aloud, though! No judgement at all if you do end up drinking. It’s so hard being in this in-between state all the time, worrying about the what-if, and after a tough time it’s completely understandable to want a few days of fun with friends!

@sweetpotato29 I am in the exact same situation! Trying again after a miscarriage and also on a three day hen do this weekend
Wondering whether to drink. It's too early for me to test before I go, I'm due on my period 4 days after we get back.

I'm stuck on what to do. I think I will probably have just a couple and try to limit myself..although I already feel guilty just typing that out!

Ah nice to hear from you all.. and that there might be potential BFPs in the near future! I've just finished my first period since the loss so hoping to be in a similar place in 3 weeks!!

I'm not a massive drinker tbh so personally it wouldn't ruin the weekend for me to not overindulge and I'm not sure I could if there was a chance of being pregnant. That said, I'm sure I've heard something along the lines of "it's safe to drink until it turns pink" - IE, until the pregnancy test is positive...? I guess because until implantation you're not passing the alcohol on..?

If you need a weekend of fun and the drinking would add to that, then it probably wouldn't harm so early on. ❤️

@Oxalis00 that was a helpful way to put it thank you! It's so hard isn't it, I expect whatever I choose I'll end up feeling guilty in some way or another! I probably will do a test right before k leave, but am guessing it'll be too early to show up. Hope that all is going ok for you.

@BuzzieBo ah fingers crossed for everything for you! I hope you get your good news. It's really tricky isn't it, I can't really tell anyone about it either and as it's in Ireland it's going to be all pubs, bars etc. The guilt is so hard to live with! At the end of the day only you can decide what you feel comfortable with, I wish someone could tell me what to do 😂

@SnookyPook glad to hear you've finished your first period! It's another step in the process complete. Will keep everything crossed for you. I have no idea tbh, the guidance all seem to say different things! One of the symptoms I think I've had is implantation cramps, I had them last time too but can't be sure and too early to show on a test! Ahh no idea what to do

@sweetpotato29 I totally relate to this dilemma as I'm quite a big social drinker. When I just got my bfp (with the pregnancy I lost) I had a night out and I managed to fake drink all night and fool everyone. Some tips if you go that route:
Be the one in charge of the kitty, always go to the bar
You'll probably need to get bartenders in on it
Take a soft drink in your bag that looks like your alcohol of choice in case someone buys you a real one - I tipped a gin down the loo and replaced it with soda

This would be harder to maintain for a whole weekend than one evening but just in case it helps!
The other option is to be honest and tell your friends you're not drinking because you're trying to get pregnant? Depends how close you are to everyone.

I had a hen last month so i was worrying about her this but af showed up the day before....which resulted in me drinking way too much tbh!

I've decided to go sober! And I've told one of the bridesmaids I'm close to so that she can help cover for me and help me with drinks!

Will let you all know how goes :)

Im on a 3 day hen do with lots of pregnant ladies, lots of baby talk....thought it would be easier but finding it all a bit tricky. I would of been 22 weeks and had pictured this hen do very differently. Don't want to be miserable so just ranting on here so I don't moan to anyone else!

@sweetpotato29 Hope it goes to plan! Think it's a good decision...but I'm already feeling like I'll need a drink to get through the next few days.

@sweetpotato29 ah good stuff! Great you've got an accomplice too! Hope you still have a lovely time and 🤞🏻 you get your BFP in a few days!

Just thought... @BuzzieBo @sweetpotato29 how funny would it be if you're on the same Hen-do?! 😁

@SnookyPook 😂

@sweetpotato29 If I spot someone trying to secretly not drink I'll know its you 😂

I got my first ever bfp last Feb, and then went on a weekend hen do a few weeks later when I was 6weeks. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone, on one evening we were drinking Prosecco in the hotel room, I just poured it down the sink and sipped on lemonade. The part that was hard was an activity where they give you free Prosecco and I just left it, said I had a bit of a headache and would wait until the evening. In the evening at a bar I just went up and ordered a mock tail and paid for it separately. No one clicked on because they were all enjoying themselves/the hen do. I then found out in early April the pregnancy had stopped.

I didn’t even make it to the April wedding in the end because I went through the miscarriage on that weekend and it kept me close to the bedroom/bathroom no matter how much I wanted to go to the wedding. To make it worse it ended up incomplete and I had surgery in late May. From finding out in the scan it had ended to the surgery it was 7 weeks and 2 days, they were the longest and hardest 7 weeks of my life.

Positive spin for anyone looking for hope - I conceived again three months later. My baby arrived 5 weeks early and on the same day in April that I found out the previous pregnancy had ended. I even said to dh that morning I don’t want a baby on this date because it made me sad, but that evening I needed an emergency C-section and the health of my baby was of course more important than a date. Now it’s a happy date as it’s the day I got to meet my baby.

I had 2 small beers yesterday but have woken up with sore boobs so I'm going to pretend drink today... if I was home I would be rushing out for a test but I'm glamping in the middle of nowhere 😂

@Blue2020 sorry for your loss but so happy to hear the ending of your story. What are the chances of baby arriving 5 weeks early and on that exact date? I've heard some people say that they try and get back to us if they aren't successful the first time 🤷🏼‍♀️😊

@BuzzieBo @SnookyPook that would be so weird 😅 alas we're not glamping so I don't think I have my secret buddy! Hope it all goes ok for you @BuzzieBo - just do what feels best for you and don't worry about anyone else.

Hen do not too bad so far, but todays the big day of activities and drinking so we'll see how we go! Hopefully people don't question things too much.

@Blue2020 that sounds so tough, I'm sorry you had to experience all that, all those wedding moments for your friend wrapped up in your pain. Glad to hear you had a happy ending in the end!

Oh lovely I feel for you. I can give more than a glimmer of hope. I lost my baby at 17 weeks and 5 days early last year. It was soul destroying. I was nearly half way, it was so beyond real to me, we'd bought things, my eldest was already 3 and very much aware and excited about baby coming. He didn't understand the concept of death and I had to somehow explain to him that his little brother wasn't coming after all, and I could feel the age gap getting bigger and bigger when I so wanted them to be close in age. I had horrible hyperemesis and was so, so unwell for the first 12 weeks and it felt like an extra level of torture to go through that and then lose him. I had a shocking experience in the hospital and an agonising rapidly induced labour knowing full well I was giving birth to him sleeping, which will forever haunt me. It was such a dark time and I remember thinking there's no way I could ever go through it again.

My husband and me had sex once, 8 weeks later, before deciding that I just wasn't ready and needed more time to heal. Turns out that was all it took and I have a gorgeous four month old snuggled up on me right now. I won't lie the pregnancy was tough and until he was in my arms I never believed he'd actually make it earthside alive. He had a rocky start in HDU and I was paralysed that I was losing him. But he's a happy healthy smiley little chunk.

I think in all honesty I have a lot of accepting to do, because when I think of what happens now I don't really feel anything, I feel very detached, and I think it was a coping mechanism and I do want to be able to feel and acknowledge my son that isn't here. There just wasn't enough time for me to process both him and the new pregnancy in a way. It sounds horrible I know! These things never leave us but life can and will move on. I struggled at first with guilt for how much I love my baby because if my other baby hadn't died I'd never of had him, but I can't love him any less because of that. He is perfect and I can't imagine him being any different. It's all a bit contradictory and as I said, processing to be done.. but right now I'm just in my love bubble. And my 3 year old loves being a big brother

@doingitalllagain oh my, what a lot to go through. So sorry for your loss... That sounds so tough 😞 But.... So happy to hear that you got your rainbow baby. Sounds like he was determined to get here, whether or not you felt ready! I can understand the later pregnancy sort of interrupting the grieving and processing but I would definitely not feel guilty about that. Maybe your middle son knew that you needed another baby to snuggle and help you heal, or maybe it's the same soul, come back to you again. Who knows... 💕 Anyway, glad you're doing so much better. I'm sure all of our little lost babies would only want love and happiness for us ❤️

... one of the girls who was on the hen do has just sent a positive covid test... I've been having a horrid sore throat all day since I got back! Just taken a test and mine is negative, but am still worrried. Does anyone know if covid is risky in early pregnancy or can cause a miscarriage?

Not that I know of @sweetpotato29 unless you have a very high fever, which you could get with any other type of infection. It’s very possible (if inexplicable) to be in close prolonged contact and not catch it. (I had covid for a second time last year and DH didn’t get it, despite us taking zero precautions!) You’ll most likely be fine, but I can understand the worry. Have you taken a pregnancy test yet?

Hey! Thought I'd check in... How's everyone doing? @sweetpotato29 @BuzzieBo , how were the hen-dos and did you get your BFPs? Did you manage to avoid COVID @sweetpotato29 ?

I'm currently in the tww... Trying not to symptom spot!

Hey @SnookyPook the hen do was fun and it was surprisingly easy to not drink without others noticing, just had a night on the mocktails. Wish I had a few beers now though as AF arrived not long after the hen do was over 🙄😂

Ah I hate the TTW... its torture 😂 really hoping you get that BFP as the end 🙏

@BuzzieBo ah bless you! Bit gutting to do a Hen-Do sober for no reason!! Hope AF didn't wallop you too hard?

Thanks! You too! 😊🌈🤞🏻

Hey all, so unfortunately definitely have covid, been feeling rotten this last week. And my period just came this morning 😞 so no bfp for me. Exactly the same situation as you @BuzzieBo it's rubbish isn't it. The hen do was pretty hard to do sober!

Ah @SnookyPook hope that all goes well for you! I know it feels like a long wait, just try to distract yourself if you can 🤞🏼

Yes @sweetpotato29 it is rubbish! Having a difficult day today. Getting a BFN after a late AF sucks and I'm also at work listening to my colleague tell everyone about her baby kicking for the first time, so badly wishing that was me.