Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 7. ALL welcome!

[Sunbird24]

Apologies, I didn’t realise the last thread had filled up.

Some links to online resources that may be useful to anyone currently or recently going through this awful experience:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
www.tommys.org/
miss-support.org.uk/support/
blr.lifecharity.org.uk/
petalscharity.org/
www.miscarriageformen.com/

You are not alone - please post whatever you need, or just read if you aren’t ready to talk. I’ve had 5 MCs, and am now sadly at the end of my IVF journey, but want to keep this thread going for everyone else who might find it helpful.

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/4559567-support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-mcmmc-thread-6-all-welcome?page=1

@PADonk @Jess1997 Welcome but sorry that you find yourselves here, and especially that you have both had multiple losses. Hopefully you'll find it helpful to be here and share how things are feeling. Lots of love to you both.

@WolfMother326 That's great that your period has come back - feels like kind of a weird thing to celebrate, but it's a great sign that your body is getting back into some kind of rhythm and that's reassuring. Good plan to TTC again without too much expectation - it's really easy to put pressure on yourself to get pregnant again just because you've done it before, and it definitely doesn't work like that! Good luck. ❤

I've been up and down over the last few days - one thing I'm definitely finding is that when I do anything out of the ordinary, like going out for the evening (even if just with my husband), there's a really big comedown afterwards and I might have had a really lovely time but then I get home and just feel terribly upset when I go to bed. I feel like it's something I just need to push through because I'm sure it wouldn't do me any good to cut myself off and not get out and do things, but it feels awful at the time - especially if I feel like I'm spoiling a nice evening. I'm also struggling with the fact that I still don't know what my body is doing - I'm 4 weeks on from surgery with no sign of either ovulation or a period, and every day that nothing is happening is like being reminded of a failure, and it makes me feel like I'm broken.

It's interesting to see everyone's thoughts about telling family/friends - I've hardly told anyone about my MC. My parents/in laws and sister know, plus a couple of friends, but I'm seeing a whole load more friends in a few days' time and I'm really torn over whether or not to tell them what's been going on. I know I would get loads of love and support from them, but none of them knew we were TTC so I feel as though if I tell them it creates an expectation that I'll be pregnant again before too long. I'm quite private about stuff like that with my friends so I don't really want to turn it into a big thing, but it also feels kind of weird not to tell them about something so big happening.

@CluelessInLondon sorry to hear you are having a hard time just now. I know I’ve found it sad and frustrating that my body hasn’t caught up with what has happened. Just if you need a reminder however, you are absolutely not broken and hopefully in another couple of weeks time everything is feeling a little bit more ‘normal’ 💜

I am in a similar spot to you with telling family/friends. Our parents and siblings know along with one friend but I haven’t mentioned it yet to the rest of the group. They know of my previous mcs and that we have been TTC but like you, I hate the expectation that comes with it. Even when we last met up I felt I had to explain why I wasn’t drinking as I didn’t want to go into the whole story of I am pregnant but it’s not looking good! I know I will tell them eventually but I don’t fancy going into it at the moment so I’ll find the right time.

If you don’t feel comfortable just now then I don’t think there is any need to tell them immediately. As you say, they will be there with lots of love and support so whenever you feel is best 😘

@CluelessInLondon I'm so sorry you're struggling. For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way just now. I feel like for every nice thing I do and I enjoy, I almost have to suffer and pay for it afterwards. I'm not sure what the answer is; I'm trying to push through and still do the things in the hope that it eases soon but I'm finding it really tough. I suppose we just need to be kind to ourselves and remember that a life changing thing has happened.

I'm also confused about what my body is doing - I thought I had ovulated but my period hasn't started so have no idea what's going on. I'm trying to remind myself it's only just been 4 weeks since it happened and my body might need some time to figure out what's going on as it's been through a lot. It's hard though as I want to get this first period out the way.

I hope you feel better soon. Please don't be hard on yourself about being upset, it's only natural just now ❤️

Hey @CluelessInLondon it's still so soon after it happened, give yourself time and space. I hope you will get your period soon, that really felt like a reset for me.
If you want to tell friends but don't want pressure, could you just say that to them? Or, say we will take a break from trying and start again next year. But also, keeping it to yourself is ok. Just the support might feel helpful.
I hope you feel better soon. Remember this is such a hard thing and you are getting through it everyday, so it's ok to feel those hard feelings, they will eventually feel less intense.

@xxcxdonxx @Bugdem123 @WolfMother326 Thank you so much for the kind messages, I really appreciate them - they remind me that I'm not alone and I'm not going crazy! xx

Hi ladies,
@CluelessInLondon i think you’re doing brilliantly! When I had my first MC several years ago now I just couldn’t face seeing anyone. I told my friends on the phone but couldn’t bear going out so the fact you’re keeping yourself busy is great and a really positive step forward. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling low when you get home, the highs and the lows are to be expected and it’s only been a few weeks. Honestly, you’re stronger than you think you are! Strangely, I chose to keep future MCs to myself. Im not sure why as my friends were lovely with my first one but I don’t think anyone understands why you feel down or low for a while afterwards if they haven’t been through it themselves. I felt like after a few weeks it was just forgotten about which I completely get from their perspective but it did make me decide not to tell everyone when it happened again. You’ll find your way and do what’s right for you. There’s no textbook on how to feel / handle the situation so go with your gut and what feels right x

I’m having a really rubbish day. I actually discovered I’m pregnant on Friday night but my tests aren’t progressing (lighter today than yesterday) and I feel like it’s headed towards a chemical. I just don’t trust it all to work and my history tells me that when tests don’t get darker it signals trouble. I’ve had two chemicals before. I know everyone says “step away from the tests” and yes that’s absolutely the sane, rational thing to do but TTC makes me anything but sane 😆 I pray for the reassurance a darker test offers and then stress and cry when it doesn’t give me what I need. If this goes tits up, it will be my 6th MC - 3rd this year - and I just feel frightened and sad. Why can’t it just work??!! X

@CrazyMILonthecase I'll keep everything crossed the tests are darker tomorrow. I know what you mean about losing your mind over testing. I told myself I wouldn't test until my period was late every cycle and started testing multiple times a day from 9DPO every cycle and it only got worse when I finally got a positive.

I'm so sorry for all your losses, that must be so hard to bear. Have the doctors been able to do any tests or investigations?

@Bugdem123 thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve not got any more tests - I think it’s inevitable it will end. It’s just a waiting game now. I’ve had all the tests, scans etc and everything was normal - my MCs have been put down to ageing eggs (coming up to 40). I do think I might try and push for another referral as this will be my third in a row this year alone and one after the other pretty much but I don’t know whether they will take me seriously. During my last MC in August the sonographer prescribed progesterone and said I could use it if I fell pregnant again but I feel like taking it wouldn’t help - just prevent everything from taking course as it should? I think I would rather it’s just over and I can start afresh 🤷‍♀️ x

@CrazyMILonthecase sorry you're going through this - it sounds so difficult. I'm going through my first miscarriage and I don't know how people get through it more than once.

Definitely push for another referral - hopefully there's something that can be done to help xx

@ThelastRolo20 thank you. The sad part is I now expect them! I’ve had children so I know my body can do it and it’s just a case of getting the right egg but honestly some days it just feels hopeless!! X

@CrazyMILonthecase aw lovely I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. That was me last weekend. Absolutely convinced I was having another chemical after seeing no progression on tests... However, I've had no spotting or bleeding and am currently 5+5. I still hardly dare believe it after my MMC in April and CP last month... But... Not out yet. Due to get HCG bloods back tomorrow and a 6 week scan on Tues all being well. I'm really nervous but just trying to take a day at a time.

I would personally take the progesterone. It may not just delay the inevitable... It can prevent miscarriage... I will keep everything crossed for you 🙏🌈

I've had a busy weekend (keeping myself busy more than anything else) but I just wanted to pop on to say how sorry I am and big hugs to @PADonk and @Jess1997, this is not a club anyone wants to join but hope we can all in some small way help each other through nonetheless

@CluelessInLondon I feel a little like you too and just wanted you to know your not on your own. Our hormones and emotions have been on the worst rollercoaster ride - hope this next week brings more good days

@CrazyMILonthecase that's lovely news I will keep everything crossed for you - try if at all possible to keep positive, although I understand how you feel, and the negative thoughts are as much a defence mechanism (perhaps that's just me) hope you are ok and we are here to support no matter what

@SnookyPook good luck for Tuesday I'm rooting for you x

@Gemandi2 thanks - it may not be the most coveted club in town but it’s v clear already you’re an amazingly lovely and supportive group so thanks v much for the welcome 🙏🏼

@CluelessInLondon @CrazyMILonthecase sorry you’re both having such a time of it at the minute, sending lots of love xx

@SnookyPook got absolutely everything crossed for you 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Got a few questions if anyone’s able to opine on any of them please?

1. My HCG hasn’t been halving, more like reducing by a 3rd every 2 days, so they’ve kept my scan appointment on Tuesday which I was really hoping I could avoid. Has anyone else had similar and what ended up happening? They haven’t said much about likely causes/ outcomes and Google’s not particularly helpful
2. i only started my new job 2 weeks ago and Tues will be my 3rd hospital appt. So far I’ve just been saying ‘urgent medical appt’ which has been fine, but given I don’t know how the aboves going to pan out / I can feel my hormones starting to go haywire I’m wondering if I should tell them - have most people here told work or decided to keep private?
3. the thing that’s getting me most down is the thought of a 3rd mc - it took us 8 months to conceive again after the last one and the stress and anxiety of TTC and then spotting and bleeding during pregnancy has just been overwhelming. I know nhs guidelines says you need 3 before a referral to a clinic but I was wondering if anyone here had had any luck in getting one after 2? And if so how did you approach it?

Sorry for the exam questions! and sorry to all of you for your losses - sending buckets of love ❤️

@PADonk you could just say it’s your third? They way we are kept waiting, fobbed off and passed around - I’d not worry about saying that if it were me (appreciate we are all different on that score though). At least then you may get answers but it’s still not guaranteed. x

I had what I thought was start of period yesterday. In the morning, wiped and it was a bit bloody. Since then - absolutely nothing. No idea what’s going on 😩

Morning ladies- thank you so much for your lovely messages of support. @SnookyPook i thought of you as I remember you feeling this same worry last week. The trouble is mine haven’t just stayed the same, they’ve got lighter (same test) so I think the writing is on the wall 😞 I don’t know whether I bother buying more tests - will it just make me more upset seeing a negative test? I just don’t know any more.
Thats amazing news about yours, I’ve got everything crossed for you. Let us know how you get on with your bloods - sending you so much luck 🤞🏻
@PADonk oh that’s so tough! The stress of a new job and all this going on. I’ve personally told work in the past but I felt very comfortable and got on well with my boss whose wife had also had two MCs so he understood what I was going through. Do you get on well with your manager? I know how you feel about further MCs, no pearls of wisdom here but a huge hand hold. It’s a real mix of emotions, excitement, trepidation, worry, anxiety…it’s just rubbish! X

@PADonk also, im with @Noodles4Me and would say this is your third. There will be a wait for the referral and you may as well get the ball rolling! X

@CrazyMILonthecase @Gemandi2 @PADonk Thanks for the support and kindness, it is so appreciated. ❤

@CrazyMILonthecase Really keeping fingers crossed for you that this one does progress, and I definitely agree with taking the progesterone - it's not over until it's over so sending lots of support and positivity your way.

@SnookyPook Hope you get good news from the bloods today and you get that scan tomorrow - keeping everything crossed for you!

@PADonk If you have a good relationship with your new manager at work then I would definitely tell them what's going on - it's also worth notifying your HR department in confidence as pregnancy-related sickness is protected by law so any time off that you need won't count as normal sickness absence. I told my manager and another colleague when I suffered my MC and found it really helpful - I got a lot of support, and even though I didn't end up taking much time off at all, it gave me the reassurance that I didn't have to be working if it was too much for me.

@PADonk my 2nd MC took several weeks to emerge and I had to have several scans, so sorry you are going through this.
Even though you are relatively new at work I would suggest confiding in your manager or HR as otherwise they may wonder what is going on and wonder if you are job hunting elsewhere and you want their support not suspicion- people are really supportive even when u don't expect it so I would share.

@PADonk sorry you're going through this. I head up an HR team so for anyone wanting advice I'm here! You're absolutely covered by the equality act here, as you're new I'd absolutely advise you speak to them. You can speak to HR or your manage confidentially - I'm sure they'll just want to support you and they'll ring fence your absence so they don't "manage" you for it.

I'm also waiting for HCG to drop, are you having blood tests then? Xx

Morning everyone. Unfortunately the bloods aren't looking great. HCG is low. I feel so exhausted of being sad and worried. Should be 6 weeks tomorrow. No spotting or bleeding still but just a feeling of inevitable doom now. Still got my scan tomorrow and I'll have repeat bloods again on Weds. I'm just feeling really really low right now 😞 I don't want to update my other threads but I know you ladies get it. I can't believe this is looking like my third loss in the space of 6 months. I don't know if I can muster up the energy and hope to go again any time soon. But I'll be 38 in December...

@SnookyPook sending a virtual hug 💐

Oh @SnookyPook I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't looking positive - I'm holding out hope for you that there's something in the scan tomorrow to give you some optimism. Sending you a huge hug in the meantime xx