Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 7. ALL welcome!

[Sunbird24]

Apologies, I didn’t realise the last thread had filled up.

Some links to online resources that may be useful to anyone currently or recently going through this awful experience:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
www.tommys.org/
miss-support.org.uk/support/
blr.lifecharity.org.uk/
petalscharity.org/
www.miscarriageformen.com/

You are not alone - please post whatever you need, or just read if you aren’t ready to talk. I’ve had 5 MCs, and am now sadly at the end of my IVF journey, but want to keep this thread going for everyone else who might find it helpful.

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/4559567-support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-mcmmc-thread-6-all-welcome?page=1

That’s such a shame your husband couldn’t sit with you @CluelessInLondon but I’m glad the procedure itself went well and that’s great your bleeding has slowed right down. Fingers crossed everything goes back to normal quickly.
Thank you for your kind words. I think I was concentrating so hard on trying again that it distracted me from everything that’s happened and to see a negative test was just a horrid reminder. You’re right, I do need to give my body a chance and I’d rather it waited for the perfect egg/time than go through another MC. Just so difficult being patient! Especially when you hear a bloody great biological clock ticking 🤦‍♀️ x

@CrazyMILonthecase thank you for checking in. I'm so sorry about your negative test. I haven't had one post MC yet obviously but I know how disappointed I was when were TTC so I can imagine it's even more amplified. It's definitely hard to be patient when you can hear the ever louder ticking in the back of your head and as everyone around you seems to be popping out babies!

@CluelessInLondon I'm so sorry your partner wasn't allowed to be with you, that must have been so hard. I hope you're feeling physically better today and this is the start of the healing for you.

For me, yesterday went as well as it could have. I feel like I was lucky as I passed them at home about an hour before I had to be at the ward. I don't know if I was in shock but I felt an enormous sense of peace from knowing that I had passed them in my own home and that I'd got to hold them. My bleeding was very heavy so I still went to the ward and I still had some big clots retained so I was given a dose of the misoprostol and allowed home after a couple of hours. I'm pretty sure I've passed them as the bleeding has slowed right down. I'm so glad I passed them at home as I was in a 4 in a room ward with one girl who was going through the same thing, another who was in complications with an abortion and one who was in 70s and didn't stop moaning. There was no privacy or dignity at all.

I slept for 12 hours in total last night so I feel like this is the start of the physical recovery for me.

Mentally, I don't know where I am. I'm glad the physical part is over, but feel so weird, sad and empty knowing they aren't inside me anymore. How can you be so connected to something you only had for 2 months? We were supposed to go on holiday today but had to cancel so I'm going to spend the weekend looking for other holidays for later in the year. I was thinking of writing a letter to them so I might do that too.

The consultant said that physically we could start trying whenever we wanted but that mentally she recommends waiting at least a period, if not longer, as in her experience the earlier you get pregnant after a miscarriage the more difficult and less enjoyable you find it for worrying. I'm a worrier anyway so I don't know if there's any length of time that'll take that away but I can see her point.

@Bugdem123 Glad to hear that you are feeling well-rested and you can focus on processing the loss and the emotional side of things now - there is a definite relief for me in at least not being in the 'in between' stage waiting for something to happen. I think the connection you felt is totally natural - your baby was real, even if only for a while, and you lived through the hopes and dreams of what you thought was to come. It's never going to be possible to just switch those feelings off. I'm choosing to see it as this baby just wasn't meant to be, and hope that the next one will be.

I had a really terrible night's sleep last night - thought I would be wiped out after the early start yesterday to get to hospital and the after effects of the surgery but I found it really hard to get to sleep and then woke up before 5am. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've just woken up from a very long nap which was much needed! Haven't bled at all since this morning which I'm really pleased about - I have had some discomfort on one side this afternoon but I was warned that I might get some pain as the ovary that I ovulated from returns back to normal size so I'm assuming it's just that. Anybody else experienced similar?

@CluelessInLondon I hope you had a better sleep last night. I have a one sided pain today too, so I suppose it must be common?

I'm not very good today. I haven't been able to stop crying since I got up this morning and just feel utterly heartbroken. I can't believe this has happened to us. I just wish I still had my baby. I know this won't last forever but I'm struggling right in the middle of it just now.

Oh @Bugdem123 , sorry to hear you are feeling like that today. Is there anything you can do that might lift your mood or allow you to focus your mind on something else for a little while? I've found that even just something like putting on an easy-watching film helps, just for a distraction. Sometimes I don't even want to be distracted and I just want to think about it, but the emotions can be very exhausting so I'm finding it helps to focus on some other things where I can. It's all a gradual process so be gentle with yourself. Sending you a virtual hug xx

@CluelessInLondon thank you, I've been doing a paint by numbers, watching old comfort shows, and planning our next holiday but I think I really need to let myself feel it even though it's so painful and exhausting. I know that this will get better and it won't always feel like this even though I'm finding it so hard to believe that right now.

Hope you're feeling better today.

@Bugdem123 I thought I was doing quite well and then have really been set back this evening - think I might be experiencing the big hormone crash that I was warned would happen in the couple of days after the surgery. I felt pretty good yesterday other than being tired, and it almost felt like the start of getting back to normal, but then this evening I've just been a weepy mess, back to feeling like I've failed, feeling anxious about the possibility of it happening again, feeling like the whole thing is just so unfair... I think it's just everything catching up with me, and it's exactly as you say - it won't last forever and things will get better, but it just feels really bad right now. I'm hoping that I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and will be able to feel brighter in the morning - it's not like overnight can fix everything but I usually find that things feel better if I'm well rested.

@CluelessInLondon I'm so sorry you were struggling last night. I have all those same thoughts, especially about trying again. I wonder if we both had the hormone crash at the same time as I was honestly inconsolable yesterday but I've woken up today feeling a bit stronger and bit more willing to face the world.

Did you manage a better sleep? How are you feeling today?

@Bugdem123 Feeling a bit better this morning, thank you - still quite emotionally up and down, but got an early night last night and quite a bit of sleep so I'm at least better rested than I was yesterday. Emotional state wasn't helped by a work colleague telling me this morning that his wife is pregnant - most people at my work aren't aware of what's going on as I've chosen to only tell the minimum number of people, but it was a reminder that my dating scan was only supposed to be 2 weeks away and then I would have been telling people, so that hit me really hard. I'm really trying not to put pressure on myself to feel "normal", but finding that difficult - I'm the sort of person who likes to get on with things and focus on what's coming next, so it's hard not to feel a bit stuck in a cycle of feeling okay, then feeling terrible, then rinse and repeat.

How are you feeling today? Sounds like a bit better than yesterday?

@MindatWork It's a shame to hear that you're not getting much support from your work - I think it's difficult for workplaces to really understand what someone is going through when they have a miscarriage, but there are so many ways to find out more and at least offer some support even if they don't really "get it". Is there anybody else at your work who you can talk to? Or might your manager understand a bit better if you speak to her and explain that you are still recovering and might need a bit of flexibility while you get back to normal?

I can't fully empathise with your situation as haven't gone through IVF, but I just wanted to say as well that I think it's a really brave thing to start thinking about the possibility of reaching the end of the journey and what might come next for you. It's a lot to put your body through - even more so with IVF compared with natural conception. It's a powerful thing to recognise that there is another possible reality for you - painful too, but I hope that over time you'll be able to see all of the good things that life can offer you, even if it's not exactly what you wanted.

Hi all, thanks for this tremendously supportive thread - I had an mmc in august at 9 weeks. Was wondering if anyone had experience with ovulation returning after surgery for rpoc? I had medical management but ended up with a small amount of retained tissue. My pregnancy tests were very faint before the surgery.

my surgery was now a week ago and tests still look the same.

im now over 5 weeks since I first found out and really struggling with the waiting and not knowing.

thanks in advance

@Bugdem123 @CluelessInLondon so sorry to read your very raw posts and the pain you are in - they brought back memories. I'm 5 months on now from my MMC and honestly surprised at how well I have been able to move forwards and 'recover' - I do think in large part that is thanks to really letting myself grieve and sob and rage in those early days just as I needed. And even though I'm better now than I would have thought possible, sometimes those big feelings hit fresh all over again.

It's a journey... and not a very pleasant one. But one that sadly many women over the years have had to travel. I've met a few much older women since my loss who have all opened up to me about their own losses, often in the context of the families they now have and the grown-up children and grandchildren they have. They still get a wistful look in their eyes when they talk about the one they lost.. but the context of years has softened it. Their lives and loves have evolved around it. I've tried to take comfort from that in my darker moments, that reminder that life does carry on, and it's bearable, and you never know how things will take shape.

Sending you all big hugs and lots of love tonight. 💕 You are all amazing ❤️

@CluelessInLondon Ah that's so difficult about your work colleague, it's so hard to avoid other pregnancies and babies, I seem to see them every where I look just now.

I totally get where you're coming from about pressuring yourself to be back to "normal" and finding the cycles of being okay and being very much not okay exhausting. I genuinely don't know how to comfort myself, all the usual tricks aren't really doing it and I know that I just need to ride it out but it's bloody hard. I felt much better this morning and tonight i'm fighting back tears again as I can't bear to have my husband comfort me again. He deserves a night off.

@SnookyPook thank you for this, it's really comforting to know that this won't last forever and there is light at the end of the tunnel. How long did you find this initial stage of raw grief lasts for?

@Bugdem123 the first 2 weeks were most intense. My third week after the loss we were on holiday in Italy (had been planned before and actually was a godsend) and I found the complete change of location/pace etc did me the world of good. It also reset me a bit and reminded me there is still lots of lovely stuff in the world. (Italy is my happy place - lived there for a few years when I was younger). It was a bit of a 'ripping the band aid off' initially as it seemed like the place loads of families went for a last holiday before new baby was born and at one point I felt like the only woman round the pool without a bump. I wandered off and had a good cry and then regrouped and managed to even take comfort from that in the end - the normality of pregnancy and the hope that it could be me again because it does often go right...

The holiday did me the world of good - space from work/normal life that wasn't just related to my pregnancy loss too. I think I would recommend anyone who can take a little break, even just a weekend away, some time after a loss.

But, I really did need two weeks to just huddle in a duvet, walk round the house crying etc.

@SnookyPook I'm glad of your recommendation to take a break - we've booked a weekend away at a really nice spa hotel at the end of October, we booked it while we were waiting for the second scan and I'm really hoping that it will be the first really nice thing we do to feel like we're properly in the "after" phase. Hopefully by then I will have had my negative pregnancy test and it will feel like a time to start looking forward.

@Bugdem123 How are you feeling this morning? I don't know about you, but I just feel like I can't seem to get enough sleep at the moment - I've had a couple of nights now of going to bed early, I feel like I'm sleeping okay for 8 or so hours but still feel totally wiped out when I wake up in the morning. I'm hoping that's just the hormones and the after-effects of the surgery and I'll get back to normal energy levels in the next few days.

@SnookyPook thank you, I actually am going away for a couple of nights tomorrow with my husband and parents to a cottage in the middle of nowhere near a beach so I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house and realistically probably crying in another location 😅

@CluelessInLondon I'm okay this morning! Seems to come in waves - I was fine most of the day yesterday and then weepy all night before bed. I feel so bad for my husband, it can't be good for him seeing me like this every day.
Yes - I also can't seem to get enough sleep. Before this I probably slept about 7 hours ish a night and was always up around 7 even on my days off. Just now I'm easily sleeping 9 hours a night and forcing myself to get up. It's really unlike me but I suppose it's my bodies way of trying to heal itself.
How are you feeling today?

I've spoke to my work and am going to get another line from my doctor for another couple of weeks. I work in a really mentally challenging role and can't even concentrate on a paint by numbers or a book just now so know id be useless. My boss was really supportive of getting it so feel relieved from that side of it.

@Bugdem123 I'm feeling okay so far today, a little bit crampy but otherwise physically alright, and not feeling as emotionally shaky as I was yesterday. I'm trying to lean into it a bit and just accept that the feelings are going to come and go - it's difficult though as I'd like to do some "normal" stuff like going back into the office but even if I feel up to it physically (which I don't yet, but hoping I might later in the week) I don't quite trust myself to be able to manage all day without needing to go off and have a cry, and I would much rather be at home if I need to do that. I think what has taken me by surprise is that I thought the feeling of being in limbo would be less once I'd had the surgery, but it almost feels like a different kind of limbo and I find that really difficult.

Sorry ladies, I checked out a bit there! Sorry to hear so many of us are feeling low at the moment.
I'll join that club.
On Sunday night I had the most horrendous lower back pain. Thought nothing of it and went to bed but it only got worse. It progressed to lots of cramping and a few hours of heavy bleeding with clots overnight. It was a bit horrific but everything had stopped by morning. The test was lighter today and the EPU had called to check in as obviously still positive 4 weeks following the surgery. But it was lighter so they're assuming I had some retained products that I passed on Sunday night and want me to retest again next Wednesday which is 5 weeks post procedure.
Hopefully this is over now.
I've felt flat and down all day so having a moping day tomorrow as its my day off. I just feel like everything's closing in a bit.
Hope you're all doing okay. X

@Olivia199 ah bless you that must have been a bit scary/overwhelming with the cramps and heavy bleeding. It does sound like you must have had some retained products that have now made their way out. It's such a weird time isn't it because you want it all over with but then... it's all over with. Definitely take some time for a mope and a bit of tlc tomorrow. Sending you a big hug. 💕

@SnookyPook - Thank you. The lower back pain became almost unbearable while it was happening so I guess it probably was linked. It's eased massively now which is nice. It's exactly that. I want it over but I still can't quite believe it's over. Thank you, I'll be enjoying a good mope and trying to get the house back to normality. Everything's a mess and I'm not coping with it!

@Olivia199 Sorry to hear about your experience, and how long it's all lasted too - I hope that's it for you and you don't have to suffer through any more of the physical symptoms. Hope you can get lots of rest and look after yourself tomorrow.

Ohh I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through that @Olivia199 - hopefully this is the end of it for you now and you can get some closure ❤️.

Enjoy your mope, I will join you xxx

@CluelessInLondon how are you doing? I think it’s a good idea to give yourself some time before you go back into the office.

I have just been signed off work for the rest of this week and next week. Still randomly bursting into tears (think hormones still all over the place) and having random sad thoughts out of nowhere. Am feeling better than I was the other night though (I had my post removed as it had some not very nice thoughts in that I regretted after posting 😵).

Sending love to all ❤️

Evening everyone,
sorry I checked out for a few days - think the negative pregnancy test threw me more than I expected. I knew in my heart it hadn’t happened for us this month but you know when you let yourself get carried away with the little possibility that it might just have worked 🫣 I still feel in disbelief that my MC happened if I’m honest - everything else in life has just returned to normal that I almost have to ask myself if I went through what I went through if that makes any sense at all!? And then it hits me like a train and I feel completely overwhelmed for a few minutes and sad, oh so sad 😞
It sounds like quite a few of you are feeling a real mix of emotions too. Just sucks doesn’t it?! I hope you’re all feeling ok this evening and sending love to anyone struggling. @MindatWork I missed the post that you had taken down but I’m sorry to hear you’ve been finding things tough and I hope this time off work gives you the space you need xx