Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 7. ALL welcome!

[Sunbird24]

Apologies, I didn’t realise the last thread had filled up.

Some links to online resources that may be useful to anyone currently or recently going through this awful experience:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
www.tommys.org/
miss-support.org.uk/support/
blr.lifecharity.org.uk/
petalscharity.org/
www.miscarriageformen.com/

You are not alone - please post whatever you need, or just read if you aren’t ready to talk. I’ve had 5 MCs, and am now sadly at the end of my IVF journey, but want to keep this thread going for everyone else who might find it helpful.

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/4559567-support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-mcmmc-thread-6-all-welcome?page=1

@krissy12 sending positive thoughts. 💖

@Mumtobabyhavoc thank you

@krissy12 hope all goes well at EPU today. Sending a hand hold. 🌈💕

@SnookyPook thank you I think I will be too early to see anything but they want to see me because I might be eligible for progesterone hopefully

Good to see updates from people. The journey continues for us all. Tentative congratulations to those with BFPs, though I’m sure that brings its own heap of worries.

Things took a turn for the worse for me, had heavy blood loss over a couple of days so tried GP, was sent in ambulance to A&E, admitted to hospital for 2 nights, given 3 bags of blood and an iron infusion 😬 Turns out there were STILL retained products 6+ weeks after D&C for retained products. Had a hysteroscopy and they assure me it’s clear now but I’m wary after everything. Still very anaemic so feeling rough. Trying to really slow down and take space this time. It’s been quite a trauma.

Oxalis, I'm so sorry. It sounds awful. I'm glad you got to hospital and were looked after. Hoping things will begin to improve. It's so difficult to mentally go forward when the body is still mired in it. Sending positive healing thoughts your way. One step at a time. 💐

@Oxalis00 gosh that sounds horrible. And as @Mumtobabyhavoc said, it's so hard to start moving forwards when still dealing with the physical part of the loss. Sending you a big hug and hopefully that is it now and you can start your recovery. ❤️

May I ask how people are doing with their partners? I felt really lucky in the immediate aftermath as my DH was so supportive and our relationship has stayed strong despite different reactions to the loss etc. However, the last couple of times I've got upset, he's been quite weird, telling me I need to move on now, stiff upper lip etc. The last time this happened was yesterday when I burst into tears when I told him that another friend had just told me that she's pregnant. He initially hugged me but then went all weird and started talking about me needing to get over this now etc. I got cross back and said it's literally been 3 months since the loss and I don't think he realises how lucky he is that I've mostly been functioning and smiling and recovering well.. but that I'm entitled to still be grieving. And we had a sort of row about it all and I just feel completely pissed off and also worried as he basically said we won't be conceiving again if I let my attitude be so negative all the time. I really felt so annoyed as honestly day-to-day I'm so proud of how I've do e,but yes, I do have moments where I break down still and I assume this is perfectly normal?!

I feel bad writing this as it makes him come across badly and that really isn't the case. He's a fantastic husband and I think a lot of his reaction is just from worry about me and how I'm doing etc. But ironically it's now making me worse. However, I just wondered if anyone else is willing to share if they have experienced some discord like this around the grieving process and how you are dealing with it? As I say, he's been great up to now but it's almost like I've now passed some threshold beyond which he thinks I should almost be 'over' it. Sorry for the long rant! Just feeling a bit alone and a bit bothered by this. Thanks for listening!

Thanks @Mumtobabyhavoc and @SnookyPook for your kindness. I do feel that the physical horror has added another layer of grief. I’d like to find ways to gently work through it. I’ve started listening to a Calm app meditation on grieving but any other recommendations welcome.

@SnookyPook I’m sorry you’ve been having a bit of a tough time at home with your DH. I think this is what people mean when they talk about the loneliness of miscarriage - others can walk with you part of the way, but there comes a point when the loss is uniquely and peculiarly yours and you just have to stand in it. That’s so hard, and SO lonely. It can be unsettling for people to have to hold space for difficult emotions for a protracted period - it’s culturally unfamiliar (very limited mourning rituals here) and it can feel personally threatening, perhaps especially for men with the expectations of strength, protection etc. Has your DH had any support of his own, I wonder? Maybe he needs to discharge some of what he’s held so he can come back and share the burden with you again. I’m not sure what he means by “you won’t conceive if…” - is he saying your body will be too stressed? Or that he doesn’t want to pursue TTC from this place?

As for my own experience, we’ve been so stuck in the physical process that I don’t think we’ve faced the emotional aftershocks yet. I don’t think what you’re describing is at all unusual, though. Certainly I feel the loss very differently to DH, and that does have the potential to really hurt.

Sending love and sympathy and solidarity. Give yourself space to feel whatever you feel for as long as you feel it xx

@SnookyPook i am sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.

I think stereotypically, men are men. Most have been raised with the 'get over it/suck it up' and 'don't show emotion' mentality, right or wrong. I understand what you mean re writing it down will make him sound bad. My OH is a very particular man and likes things a particular way, and to some it makes it sound like I'm opressed but trust me I'm not 😂.

I do think men deal with this differently though. They're not the carrier. They don't go through it. Yes they are there with us but they are not us. Have you tried to be open with him like 'when you say X it makes me feel Y'? To see if he knows what you are going through.

Essentially, grief is grief. There is no timescale to be over any loss it's how you work through it, i do hope he understands that.

Sending love ❤️

@Oxalis00 i do think men and women process differently. My OH was sad but I have never seen him cry over it. But that's OK.

He said he doesn't think about it every day, so I think he is in the move on phase. And that's OK if he's OK with that you know?

Talking is so important at this time as things can easily get misconstrued or misunderstood. You need to work together 😊

@Oxalis00 @Gt1986 thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies. We managed to have a good chat when he got home from work and he really reassured me that of course he knows I won't have 'done' grieving and there's no time limit, just unfortunately when he's stressed too he doesn't always respond well in the moment. I certainly think we are both in very different places about the loss. We'd already talked about the fact that for him, the pregnancy hadn't really become real yet, so the loss was far less impactful. I am also pretty sure that any reactions he had at the time were more around being concerned for me and wanting me to feel better etc, rather than sadness about the loss in a way. And yes, I think what he meant re trying again was he was worried if I was too stressed and down, my body wouldn't welcome a pregnancy. Anyway, we've certainly cleared the air and I feel loads better. I think I just had a real dip yesterday and it hit at a bad time for him too. Thanks for your support. ❤️

@SnookyPook I get that. My OH dealt with it by referring to it as a thing and not a living being which is OK as that's how it was dealt with. Again - men and women deal differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Glad you talked it through and can both understand where each is coming from 😊

Apologies if anyone gets upset by the terminology in my post but that's how my OH has chosen to see it and deal with it. Purely fact 😊👍

@Gt1986 we all have to get by in whatever way works for us don't we. As you say, communication and a bit of openness to how someone else might need to process things can go a long way. X

@SnookyPook exactly that,we are very much what will be will be.

Hoping your weekend is going well 😊

Really glad you’ve been able to talk openly with your DH @SnookyPook and feel reassured. There are always going to be ups and downs on this journey, and being human is such a changeable and complex thing that for two people to journey together takes work and trust and talking, even/especially when you’re in different places. Sounds like you’ve been able to listen to each other really well. With luck maybe the horrors of MC can help us be more open and connected to our partners as a result.

hi all,

i found out I was pregnant on the 11th June (2 years of trying, first pregnancy, no children, 36yrs), a week later I was in the EPAU with cramping, spotting and back pain.
3 days later I went for a scan, and got a PUL - my Hcg was low at 151 given i should have been 6 weeks.
2 days later just as I was about to get ready to go the hospital for repeat bloods i passed a number of clots. I was in absolute agony with the cramps, vomiting etc , but as soon as one particularly big clot passed it completely calmed down and my bleeding lightened.

My Hcg was 77 when I went into the EPAU that day. They confirmed I was miscarrying and requested more bloods in 48 hours.

since then I had some mild cramping but my bleeding has trailed off to just brown spotting with some tiny bits of tissue in just over a day.

I don’t feel like I have bled anywhere near enough especially compared to my normal periods.

Did anyone else experience such stopping and starting?
My hcg is 51 today, I’ve just got an overwhelming sense of dread that I’m going to need more interventions to pass everything.

can anyone offer their similar experiences if it’s not too upsetting?

Thanks so much x

@H20202 My situation was different, so I can't comment, but I just want to say I'm sorry. 💐

@H20202 so very sorry for your loss 😞 like @Mumtobabyhavoc my situation was different so I can't speak to having an identical experience, however, I would say that my miscarriage bleeding was different to a period in some ways. It was more concentrated. If you've passed several big clots, it may be that the pregnancy has kind of come away more 'completely' than a normal period. I don't know how to put it other than, obviously it's a collection of things that have grown together etc and therefore if you lose them in larger clots, the bleeding wouldn't necessarily be constant. With mine I did pass a lot of clots on the toilet on Saturday evening, then it pretty much stopped and I thought it was over. When I woke on the Sunday my pad was pretty empty. However, around 11am it did start again with a gush and suddenly passed a load more clots etc. So I guess looking back it was maybe a bit like what you've described..?

Have they offered a scan as well as repeat bloods? I had one and they were able to confirm that I had passed everything which was poignant but reassuring and I then felt able to focus on my healing and dealing with the emotional fallout a bit better.

Sending lots of love your way. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. It's a horrible club to be a part of, but also in some ways, a wonderful one. I have never met so many kind, wonderful and strong women as I have since my loss. We have all lost hopes and dreams and that bonds us. 💕

Thanks so much for your reply and we’ll wishes. I’ll definitely ask about a scan when I next go in for bloods.
I know everyone’s experiences are different but it’s helpful to hear others, if only to put my mind at ease. Thanks again x

@H20202 I was pretty detailed writing my experience in Feb up-thread. It was fairly traumatic for me. The support here has been helpful, though. I hope you find some comfort in shared experiences and encourage you to scroll the thread. 💖

Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind if I join. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I’m currently starting my 5th miscarriage and I just feel so so lost. I haven’t told anyone and don’t really have a support network to turn to. I’m struggling to stop crying and finding everything a bit overwhelming. I have children which I know makes me incredibly lucky but my sadness is preventing me from joining in with their games. I’m also frightened what will happen - I have had two early MCs at home and two surgical management ( 9+ 10 weeks) but I’m in the in-between stage now (7.5 weeks) and feeling really scared of passing everything at home. My early ones were 5+ weeks so only felt like heavy periods. What should I expect now? X

@CrazyMILonthecase I am so very sorry. It sounds so awful. Don't go it alone. Have you contacted your doctor? I elected medical management. You don't need to qualify your sadness or the trauma. Awful is awful. Loss is loss. I'll look for your updates. 💐

@Mumtobabyhavoc thank you so much for replying to me. I am under the care of my local EPAU so I’ve got an appointment in the morning to confirm everything and discuss options I guess. Half want to get the ball rolling but half dreading it. My children keep asking me what’s wrong and I feel so guilty. I keep thinking this little one would have been their brother / sister. Just feel heartbroken 💔 x

@CrazyMILonthecase so sorry to hear of your losses. I had a MMC in April. 12wk scan but baby had stopped developing at 7+5 so probably very similar to yours gestation wise. I opted for surgical management on the recommendation of my sister and a friend who had gone through it, however I ended up miscarrying naturally over the weekend before my surgery. I was also apprehensive about what I might have to see etc.

Trigger warning - describing miscarriage

In my case, it was very like a heavy period still but with some big clots and it was more intense - I felt quite glued to the toilet while the main part of the loss was happening. I prepared myself for the fact it would be going down the toilet which upset me quite a lot initially. However, as time went on I became a bit sort of pragmatic about it and was just relieved in a way that it was happening. I also got a little curious and decided I wanted to try and look at one of the clots to sort of honour the baby and acknowledge it. I did and... I really couldn't make anything out. I'm really not sure if it was the baby or not. There was nothing discernible. It may be of course that I missed a bit that would have been more obvious. At one point I did feel a large clot come out and felt a real emotional wrench. I can't explain it but I do wonder if maybe that was the baby. If so, I didn't manage to catch that one or look at it, and I think that was probably for the best.

I really hope that all goes ok for you. Sorry again that you are having to go through this. We are all here with you and sending hugs. 💕