Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 7. ALL welcome!

[Sunbird24]

Apologies, I didn’t realise the last thread had filled up.

Some links to online resources that may be useful to anyone currently or recently going through this awful experience:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
www.tommys.org/
miss-support.org.uk/support/
blr.lifecharity.org.uk/
petalscharity.org/
www.miscarriageformen.com/

You are not alone - please post whatever you need, or just read if you aren’t ready to talk. I’ve had 5 MCs, and am now sadly at the end of my IVF journey, but want to keep this thread going for everyone else who might find it helpful.

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/4559567-support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-mcmmc-thread-6-all-welcome?page=1

Yeah @Mumtobabyhavoc and @florafoxtrot it feels kind of unreal to me too. I’m unfortunately still struggling with the physical process (3 weeks on from medical management and I have retained products…) but it seems strangely disconnected from the idea of a baby now. There’s so much potential in that idea - a life! A person! A future! And now there’s just nothing there. It’s kind of unnatural and illogical and that’s hard for our brains.

I find it so helpful to read other people’s experiences, though, so thank you all for sharing. Reflecting with others gives some sense of reality to the whole strange thing.

Thanks all for your messages/sympathies. It's weirdly lonely this time – I told some friends and family last time but I don't really want to now – so yeah, I appreciate being able to chat.

@Oxalis00 thanks for asking. It's heavy bleeding with quite painful cramps but they seem to be easing off a bit today. Realised at 2am last night I shouldn't have been using my mooncup and so switched to pads 🤦🏼‍♀️ I didn't manage to get a doctors appointment (wasn't quick enough ringing). Will try again Thursday. I did call the miscarriage association helpline and spoke to a lovely lady. Have never called a helpline before but so needed to just talk to someone. She said I would need 3 miscarriages before the GP will investigate most likely anyway. But advised I speak to a dr just in case and to get it on my record.

@SnookyPook did some yoga for the first time this evening because you mentioned it. Thank you 💕 Was lovely. Have been hating on my body a fair bit lately (which is really not like me).

@littledinosaurs oh I'm so glad it helped a little in the midst of a horrible time 💕 I hope the physical side of things doesn't go on too much longer for you now. All of us here are happy to chat whenever you need. Xx

I have read through all of your ladies comments and have found them so helpful, I really relate to them all ❤️ I am so sorry for everything everyone has been through, my heart breaks for each and every one of you x

We found out at our 7week scan that our baby had no heartbeat and was measuring a week too small (our first IVF transfer after a tough journey to get there). This was confirmed at EPU a few days later. We waited a week to see if anything would happen naturally but as time went on the wait became too difficult. I Went for surgical management under general yesterday. Such a sad day, I cried from them wheeling me through to surgery until I was asleep. The staff were absolutely amazing. I now just feel so empty. As @Sunbird24 I think it was said, there's a hole in my heart 💔

I've got a sick note for a month but I do hope to be back to work before that. We've another scan in 2 weeks as the surgeon said there has been an abnormality where there was the lining and then like it split and something was between it - I'm not too sure. It could just be blood. He asked if I'd ever been told of anything before, which I haven't and I've had many many scans with IVF. I really hope at my next scan it's all clear.

We have some embryos on ice but I just can't look that far ahead right now. I'm sure in time that will come, I hope so anyway.

Sending love to you all 🌸 xxx

@Jx3303 so sorry to have to welcome you here but hopefully you will find some comfort and support with us. Sending you lots of love. So sorry for your loss, especially after the journey you had to get there. I hope you get reassurance that all is ok with your womb lining at the next scan. Go gentle on yourself this next week. From my experience the immediate grief and loss was overwhelming at times and I just sobbed. It's ok to just feel all the feels. I was also signed off for a month but was back doing little bits after 2 weeks, then had a holiday for a week and then back full time in the 4th week. It has been quite helpful getting back to something meaningful and distracting but I'm glad I took the time previously to focus on processing my loss. Thankfully have a very supportive boss who made the return process more pleasant etc. Wish you all the best. Big hugs xxx

@SnookyPook thank you so much for your very kind and supportive reply. I'm so sorry for your loss 😞

It is very overwhelming isn't it. I find I wake up and feel ok-ish (as ok as I can be I suppose) then it hits me like a tonne of bricks, every day and I'm in tears. I worked a little offline last week for 3 days and then on Monday and it did help in between the wait. I too am very lucky in that my boss is unbelievably supportive and has been throughout our IVF journey. I hope two weeks and I can log on for some light work too. I have my very good work colleagues wedding on the 10th of June and I so want to be there for her on her very special day. But will just have to see how I am.

We have a lovely dog so that has been and will get us out each day. It's just hard to get through each day. Sending you hugs too. I have found in the past yoga helpful so I will try and pick that back up in a bit. I also have a fertility counsellor who is amazing who I'll speak to in a few weeks, I was meant to today but postponed since I had surgery yesterday and knew I wasn't ready x

New here. I've been reading all of your comments and wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing. It really helps so much. 💟🌸I know it's not easy.

A week ago, I passed an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks. It was our first pregnancy. It's been a scary time with a lot of unanswered questions, and the miscarrying itself was particularly awful and far worse than anything I was advised or read about myself.

Has anyone else here had an ectopic? And how did you cope?

For me, it's a strange mix of sadness and relief. There was so much pain. And the fear - of surgery, fertility loss, death - it was a nightmare. I've been trying to focus on the positives and distract myself with other things. I just feel shell-shocked at times. Having a baby was everything for us. Now we have to wait three months before trying again. I don't know what to do with myself until then. A drop in the bucket, I know, but it feels so long.

People around me seem quite uncomfortable talking about it, too. Everyone except my mother. I appreciate their consideration, but I wish they would ask me questions. Even if I'm feeling better - that would be something. A chance to talk about what I've been going through. An ectopic pregnancy wasn't something I had considered taboo. I guess all miscarriage is off-limits for most people.

How have you all dealt with the hush? Do you appreciate the silence? Do you bring up your loss? Or do you only share your feelings here?

Hoping everyone finds some peace today. Thanks for reading. x

I'm so sorry snd sad reading new posts here. Sending love and support. 💐❤️

@SilverMoonNight a few of us have talked about the silence, the awkwardness and the inappropriate comments. I think people just don't know what to say most times and are afraid to say the wrong thing, so say nothing or end up saying something totally wrong. I got silence and Are you feeling better now? 🤦‍♀️

I purged all my thoughts here and everyone was lovely. It was everything I wasn't getting irl and especially helpful as there weren't any expectations such as, Yep. All better now.
I never did share any details irl beyond the basics. It was too painful. I spent a few nights reading this thread all the way from day 1.

@SilverMoonNight I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain and sadness. I have so much fear too, and right now that's one of main emotions of moving forward and worrying about the future.

I'm having difficulty talking to many people in real life other than my OH. I have yet to see my parents or sister, who I know want to see us but it's just so raw and painful. Every time I talk to them I end up in such a state of tears and I hate them seeing me so distraught and in turn I hate that I'm then upsetting them terribly too. They are giving us the space we need but I know I'll need to see them soon. I am trying to engage in more small talk but it's hard when your mind is just so full of sadness.

Sending you love and here to talk x

@Jx3303 so so sorry for your loss and everything you have had to go through. I hope they treated you well and you were out relatively quickly? I had surgery early in January for a MMC and healed quickly (only had light bleeding that didn't last too long) so hopefully you will too. Hope you're having lots of chocolate and rest xxx

@SilverMoonNight sending you lots of love and strength. I haven't had an ectopic. I don't know if it would help or not but I took a bit of comfort from Laura Kenny's story. You might already know – she had an ectopic in Jan 2022 (and is now pregnant again – I take comfort in that but of course stay away if you don't). I read the article on BBC sport.

People definitely struggle with what to say. I had this weird need when I had a MMC at Christmas to tell everyone, like if I told people it made the experience more real and...I wanted people to know we had a baby (even if it was only for a short time). But there is definitely an expectation that you will keep it hush. To protect others who are trying? To save people discomfort? I really really think it should be spoken about more because I'd read about miscarriage but was still so shocked and confused, and had so many questions but nobody really to ask.

I've just had a v early loss, so two in a row, and I feel exactly the opposite this time. Only my mum and dad know, and ofc my husband. I don't even know whether it's for me or other people. A bit of both I think. And I haven't needed to tell work this time which I'm relieved about. I guess the circumstances surrounding the loss have a role to play and you should do what feels right at the time.

Hi guys, so today is day 21 after my MMC. The EPU said to test after 3 weeks and I have done with FMU and it is negative. Do I take it that my MMC is complete now? I see alot of mention of retained product but how do you know if you have retained product? Sorry if that's a silly question but this was my first pregnancy and first loss so I'm a bit clueless. I have some bleeding still but it's definitely lighter/less frequent. Had some cramps yest across the whole of my womb as well but they passed after like 45 mins. Thank guys.

@Gt1986 sorry for your loss. Yes I believe a negative test indicates that the miscarriage is complete and no retained products etc. From what I've seen, retained products would usually show up as ongoing bleeding beyond the expected 2/3 weeks and continued positive tests. Did your EPU say they would rescan you at all? I believe some cramping is expected as your womb shrinks back down etc. It's all very emotional but personally I found it helpful to draw a bit of a line under things once the physical side was all done. It helped me to start looking forwards again. Sending you hugs and hope you're ok.

@SilverMoonNight welcome - so sorry for your loss. I've had a mix of friends who have been open about it and encouraged me to talk (who have unfortunately been through losses themselves), and friends who are clearly very uncomfortable around the whole topic and have been pretty quiet and awkward about it all. My immediate family were great as again, unfortunately my Sister has been through losses. She was a massive source of support to me in the immediate aftermath. And my Mum and Dad were a bit helpless feeling but again, there for support after having seen my Sis go through losses.

Personally, I have taken some comfort from being open about it but it depends on my mood and who I'm with etc. Like a few of the others though I have really found these forums so helpful and supportive. The feeling of community and solidarity. It's horrible others are going through the same thing, but there is also comfort in that. And in hearing the glimmers of hope from those a bit further down the road etc. Sending you big hugs. X

@SnookyPook thank you for your reply, it's so helpful as I can't talk to anyone IRL as I don't know anyone who has had a MMC and very few who have had a MC but don't feel comfortable to ask! EPU did not offer a rescan, they said test in 3 weeks and it should be neg so I took that as if pos still call them to look into.

I agree with you re drawing a line under it now the physical is done. We are making plans for weekends away and nights out with friends plus our holiday is only 4 weeks away so putting us first 😊.

How are you doing?

@Gt1986 ah that all sounds positive. Our holiday after the loss did us so much good. I'm not too bad, thanks for asking. I think the lovely sunny weather helps too!

I've got a good friend and a SIL both due babies imminently which is lovely but also poignant as I had thought I'd be looking forward to my own when theirs arrived and instead I'm back to square 1 with it all. Not quite sure how baby snuggles will affect me but I'm going to try and see it as an opportunity for further healing and a demonstration of pregnancies going right for when my rainbow comes along... 🤞🏻

@SnookyPook You sound incredibly balanced about the new babies in the family/friendship group. I’m sure I’ve read that lots of time with newborns helps fertility?! But if it’s too hard, or too much, I’m sure they’ll understand if you need time to ease into this new situation.

@Oxalis00 thanks... I've done lots of work on grieving and processing the loss and just taking things day by day. However... I may sound balanced right now but am well aware that it may be another story on another day! Thankfully I know that both these women will be very understanding of whatever I need and however I react to their babies and I think that helps. There is no pressure to be a certain way or to have to pretend etc. I know that I could say "I'm sorry, I'm really happy for you but I need some time" and they would get that. Interesting point about newborns assisting with fertility! I guess it potentially sends your hormones into a certain state etc. We shall see 😊

I think right now I'm in an ok place because I feel hopeful that my rainbow will come along soon... I can imagine having a dip later in the year if that hasn't happened. Trying not to project ahead and just accept where I am right now.

Hello all,
I hope you dont mind me joining on here for some advice.
I had a mmc (baby measured 8.2 weeks) and had surgical management at what would have been 10 weeks.
I had about 3 days of light bleeding followed by a few days of brown spotting before stopping completely. Since last week I've been spotting again, only with fresh red or pink blood. I notice it can be triggered by exercise. It's been just over 3 weeks and I'm showing a negative hcg test. Is this something I need to be concerned of? I don't really want to bother epu if it's normal.
I'm pretty upset by it all and I don't think anyone close to me fully understands how sad I am feeling. So sorry for the long post, I'm just a bit lost and cannot think logically right now.

@Retrogamer I'm so sorry. 💐
My situation was about the same and I bled on/off for 3-4 weeks.

Thanks so much for the reply, I'm so sorry for your loss also 😞

I'll just keep an eye on it for now then. Hopefully it stops soon.

@Retrogamer so sorry for your loss. I would suspect that falls in the realms of normal however, my experience with my EPU is that no question is too daft and they really don't mind people checking things. So if you've any worries or concerns I'd just give them a ring and hopefully they can set your mind at ease. Hope it all stops for you soon. Big hugs x

It's a little relieving to hear that it's probably normal. I may contact them Tuesday if I'm still spotting/bleeding. (Bank Holiday)
My local epu have been really good, I cannot fault them.
Thank you xx

Just looking for some advice ladies. I had surgical management last Tuesday and by Friday the cramps had settled and bleeding stopped. Since yesterday the bleeding and cramps have returned probably worse than before and I'm exhausted, is this normal? I have a check up next week. I read online the bleeding can come and go, but wanted to check x

@Jx3303 I didn't get as far as my surgical management so not quite sure what falls in the realms of normal for that. An increase in bleeding after it had slowed down could maybe indicate some retained products though? I think I'd be giving EPU a call to see what they say. Did they give any indication of what to expect post-surgery? Hope you're feeling better soon. X