Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC

[AMS19]

Hi ladies

A few of us got talking on another thread and found having each other in the same boat, whilst devastating, helpful. So here is a little thread so we can stay in touch and support each other through this journey.

Anyone who has recently experienced or is experiencing a MC/MMC please join us. We are just on the start of our journey ❤

I found out I had a MMC on 21st December at 9+5. This was following a scan that showed a baby with a heartbeat 3 weeks earlier. My body hasn't let go at all, with no bleeding, so I'm booked in for surgery tomorrow. The hardest thing waiting over Christmas 💔

@glowingtwig hope you get the answers you need tomorrow!

@Scottishskifun it's funny you say about folate - I was craving broccoli and Brussel sprouts so bad during my first two weeks of pregnancy! Ate so much! My body obviously know what it needed 😂

@SuzieDeLaTour I hope the answers from the analysis help!

@AMS19 I'm loving your notes! Sounds like the book is really helping you ❤️ I have to say I'm too lazy to try all of that just yet 😂

I've had a horrible day with proper contractions! I've been in so much pain it's ridiculous. Was having 1.5 minute contractions every 4 or 5 minutes for most of the afternoon. Bleeding increased slightly with them. I'm guessing it's just my uterus shrinking but I was just shocked/upset as I didn't have this yesterday so wasn't expecting it! Feeling so exhausted x

@SuzieDeLaTour ideally would you need to take 4 a day. But they look absolutely fine. Here are some that look good and maybe a bit better value for money?

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00ZQULF1C/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_P2XaGbBD22B80?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00T82WOUK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_P4XaGbT2F5CB6?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The last ones are 200mg so more expensive but you could take less!

It is a shame the one I get is out of stock. I'll keep it on my watch list! I stocked up on 3 lots!! Xx

Oh no @LauraT94 you poor thing! Did they say that might happen? That is so frustrating!! Keep an eye on it. If the bleeding picks up I'd check in with EPU. Did they scan you after your MVA to make sure they had got everything? I wonder if you have a little bit of tissue left and your body is getting rid of it maybe?! Xx

@AMS19 they definitely said to expect some bleeding (no more than a light period - which I think mine still falls under!) And some pain... But these are like the contractions I had straight after the procedure 😢 they've quietened down a bit now but still in pain! If it's still bad overnight/tomorrow I might call EPU. They didn't scan - just said it was a blind procedure and they just hope they get it all out?! So totally possible there's some left! Xx

@LauraT94 I'm absolutely no expert at all but contractions I believe is the body's way of trying to expel something. So I would suspect there is maybe a little bit of tissue and the body is trying to get rid of it (which hopefully it has/will do). Especially if they didn't scan after to check they had got everything. When they did my mva they scanned after and went back to get more they'd missed (much to my despair at the time!). Just keep a close eye on the bleeding and if the contractions don't stop or pick back up give them a call as it could just be a little bit of tissue stuck xx

@laurat94 if still heavy and having pains you might have some retained pregnancy tissue.
Take some pain killers but also if it doesn't settle then call the EPU Trust me no midwife is going to have a go for checking via the phone!

A warm bath will help with the pain (I know it sounds daft but it really does help) I had a water birth with my son and was amazed at how much the water helped with the contraction pain. Have a hot water bottle ready for when you get out as well.
Hope it eases.

Should also say that uterus contracting back down can also be painful (it's known as post labour pains) . They gave me drugs to shrink mine quickly to try and control the bleeding but depending on how much your uterus expanded by it then needs to reverse.

@AMS19 aww Thank you for your suggestions - you’re being so helpful! I’m watching the first episode of This is Us, arrrghh it’s so sad!! I LOVE the obstetrician he made me weep!! 😭
@LauraT94 you poor thing. I agree with @AMS19 if the contractions continue you should call your EPU or 111 for advice. You may well have a little bit stuck. I know pain and bleeding can be on and off for a while but definitely don’t suffer in silence if it’s still bad this evening 😰 thinking of you xx

@AMS19 thank you ❤️ I think sadly we're all becoming slight experts through our joint experiences!! I think as pain has calmed down slightly I'm less worried about stuck tissue but will definitely call tomorrow if I'm still in this level of pain!

@Scottishskifun thanks - I was told by my nurse not to have a bath while I'm still bleeding! Just because it could make me bleed more and apparently there's higher risk of infection? I definitely believe in the soothing power of water and heat though! Just keep topping up my hot water bottle for now.

@SuzieDeLaTour ah thank you, I won't suffer in silence I promise! I've got some co codamol to take if it's still bad as well. Although I fancy another drink tonight so might hold off on taking them as I don't think they'll mix well 😂

Just managed to stand up for a solid hour! Put a Jamie Oliver dinner in the oven and sorted some flowers I got given by OH's family. Longest I've been up today so must be getting better rather than worse!!

Hi everyone, you might remember me from a week or so ago. I'd taken a bit of break following my ectopic surgery which I had on Sunday. I was reading a lot of your stories whilst I was in hospital and they helped so much. I mentioned I'd had a terrible time with the hospital.

It went something like this.

Mon 04/01 - saw some red blood in eve

Tue 05/01 - red blood continued and mentioned to midwife on first tel appt. Referred to EPU for scan next day. Painful cramps, bleeding started and got worse into evening. Pain went away after large clot passed. No gestatational sac seen.

Wed 06/01 - had inconclusive transabdominal scan, told likely miscarried. Took bloods and told to return in 48 hours to check HCG levels had fallen

fri 08/01 - took bloods again, got call later that night to say they had slightly increased to 7469. Told to come back again on 10/01 for bloods and 11/01 for scan as no weekend scans. No explanation or mention of ectopic. Began researching and read about possibility of ectopic. Rang back attempted to talk to dr 3 times to no avail as they were busy.

Sat 09/01 a different doctor rang me back and despite concerns and continued bleeding, they refused to scan on wknd as not in pain.
Booked a private scan at clinic that day which found ectopic pregnancy with transvaginal scan. Clinic rang hospital and sent over results which measured sac at 2.5mm on largest side. Was told they would ring back. After almost an hour with no response i rang hospital. Was told a senior needed to review the notes and they would get back. When they rang back later they said they could not accept results of private scan or scan me that weekend as I wasn't in pain. They got impatient with me and said "oh my god" when I said it seemed as though they were waiting for it to rupture before they would see me. They finally offered to see me face to face but no scan. Waited on maternity ward for 2.5 hours to see dr. They came to me after their shift had finished and asked me to get through my questions quickly even though I was in tears. After every question they said "next" and showed little compassion. They confirmed it was unlikely to pass itself and medical management would likely fail due to high HCG but still would not scan until Monday. I broke down in more tears.

Sun 10/01 I received a call from dr in the morning to say that I could be scanned "as a favour" if I got there in 20 minutes but if I was even a few minutes late I wouldn't be. Luckily I got there in time and they made a point of letting me know they pulled in a favour. The ectopic was confirmed and they put me on the list for emergency surgery later that day. I started experiencing very minor twinges of pain by evening and was relieved to be taken into theatre by 11:30pm

I'd like to put in a complaint to the hospital for how I was treated and to understand why I wasn't offered a transvaginal the first time after an inconclusive transabdominal scan. I came across a report which details the devastating impact of missed ectopic pregnancies and i feel like had I not been persistent or got the private scan, that could have easily been me. Does anyone have any advice on what I should put in the complaint? How much detail should I go I into? Anything I should avoid or make sure to include?

www.hsib.org.uk/news/new-report-highlights-the-devastating-impact-of-missed-ectopic-pregnancy/

Also @LauraT94, I've been following your story since I joined the thread and whilst in hospital, I'm so sorry you've had such a prolonged period of misery with this. I hope at least the support from others in this thread has helped somewhat.

@SuzieDeLaTour wait until the end of the episode and the twist!! It is the best. O promise it is a really happy show, it doesn't stay sad. You'll love it

@Lililou I was actually thinking about you earlier. It is absolutely awful what happened to you. You should absolutely put in a formal complaint. This should never have happened to you and should never happen again. Is there anything on the hospitals website on how to put in a formal complaint? I would also forward onto their PALS too which deal with informal complaints, but be clear this has been submitted as a formal complaint and send for their information only.
How are you feeling now?

@LauraT94 definitely sounds like good progress!! I think it is all moving in the same direction just don't worry about anything and ring EPU if you need to! Xx

@Lililou sorry meant to say, I would lay it out exactly as you have to us. Day by day. Also you should express your concerns throughout and how this has made a very traumatic experience even harder

@Lililou I would definitely complain. Give as much detail of fact as you can eg on x date at x time I called EPU. X doctor answered. I told them x, they replied y. (Its okay if you dont know what professional each person was- that's why all the other detail is helpful)

Then with each bit, add the impacts on you "this made me feel x, y"

At the end you can add your concerns "I am extremely unhappy with how this was managed. It made me feel x, y, a. Given the evidence base about the impact of non managed ectopic pregnancies, this could have led to x, y, z".

Lastly, state the resolution you want. Do you want them to ensure other women are treated better? To get more training? Have a clear protocol for suspected ectopic like yours?

Again I'm sorry for your experience and I want to thank you for complaining- this is how other women are better treated in future

@Lililou I would definitely complain. It’s awful to be treated that way, particularly with an ectopic pregnancy that can have complications if left. I think it’s very insensitive they made you wait on the maternity ward too, it’s distressing enough finding out your pregnancy isn’t progressing let alone having to be around lots of other pregnant women! As @TheDaydreamBelievers says, you should be very detailed in your complaint as well as expressing exactly how it made you feel. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, what a distressing, scary time for you. I feel very fortunate that my EPU had such lovely, compassionate nurses and staff. It makes such a huge difference to women in their darkest hour so if your complaint can help change things even a tiny bit, that would be amazing for other women going forward xxx

@Lililou definitely complain! I can't offer any help in what to say though! Good luck x
And thank you for your message about following my story. I read your message a little while ago and it's sent me into a bit of an emotional l tail spin 😂 I'm going to try and explain why/work it out:

I basically feel like this isn't happening to me. I know that sounds mad. But by talking to you lot on here, reading your stories, commiserating with you etc I feel like I'm just offering support for the awful times you're all going through. And I hadn't realised until reading @Lililou comment about my 'prolonged period of misery' that I was actually one of you too? Like I'm kind of realising I've been in total denial.

I've felt like it's not ok for me to have feelings like 'I've lost my baby' because I only had like two weeks of feeling happily pregnant before bleeding started, my first questionable scan etc... It was so short lived and I guess I've convinced myself that I have no right to feel sad or to feel like 'someone who's had a miscarriage'.

And that in no way represents how I feel about anyone else. If anyone else posted a story identical to mine I'd be full of sympathy and kind words. But because it's me... I'm not allowed to be upset?

I don't know. Sorry I'm really rambling but I'm just trying to explain the epiphany I've had. Kind of ties in to another thing I read earlier that was like 'if you wouldn't say it to your friend, why would you say it to yourself?'.

Anytime anyone tells me they're sorry for my loss, I immediately refer to 'oh don't worry about me, I'm fine!!'. Even in the hospital when the nurse came in to give me the misoprostol or whatever it's called.

Sorry I'm honestly just tired after barely any sleep and a long day of pain 😂 just needed to rant a bit and I hope some of you can understand! Xx

@Lililou reading it all out like that, it's absolutely appalling how you were treated. It's negligent.

One thing I will say is that you should absolutely write how it has made you feel, but try to avoid hedging with phrases like 'I feel that' and 'I felt like...' Women do this a lot when writing complaint letters and it's a much firmer response to write statements like 'this was unacceptable' rather than 'I feel this was unacceptable'.

@LauraT94 I'm sorry you're in pain. It's so awful. One thing I did apart from lots of hot water bottles was to treat myself to lovely organic cotton sanitary pads... Yoni they are called and they were so comfortable and without the awful plasticky, sweaty thing going on. I'm never going back to 'traditional' ones again.

@SuzieDeLaTour I hope they reply to my email in the first instance so I can arrange for it to be sent off. I'd like to at least try. The phone-call is actually Monday (honestly the days are all merging in to one at the moment). We are having to pay for it and it's eye watering. But I want to know that for the next pregnancy we are fully prepared and have everything in place after tests and medications to give it the best chance.

I've got about 5 pages of spider diagrams with different headings with questions for her so I'll have to be careful not to talk too much 😂

Also @LauraT94 it sounds a bit like it all might suddenly hit you when the physical side is over? So you have to expect that this kind of numbness might be short-lived and be really kind to yourself.

When you get that positive on a pregnancy test you're a mother already in my opinion; it doesn't matter how many days or weeks or months you've been pregnant, loss is still loss. Xx

@LauraT94 I totally get you. I fell like I've said "just wasn't meant to be" so many times to the nurses etc I forced myself to believe it. Even though deepdown I'm screaming "but why. Why wasn't it meant to be. I think it was meant to be." Sometimes I throw myself into other things I have no idea if I've actually dealt with it or not. I mean, I still haven't really cried. So surely that means it is all inside somewhere. Maybe I'm also just in denial this has actually happened as well! Xx

@glowingtwig ooh they sound good! I am a menstrual cup user and am hating wearing 'nappies' all the time. I'm usually a nude sleeper too and hate that I have to wear underwear to bed so I can wear a pad!! Barely any bleeding yesterday evening so I just risked it and Luckily was ok overnight and it felt so much nicer to be bare!!

@AMS19 yeah that sounds so similar to me!! I've told people I'm fine about it so many times I think I'd nearly convinced myself it was true!

After sending my last message I just completely broke down sobbing and scared the life out of OH who was happily watching taskmaster without a care in the world 😂 so maybe it's hitting me already?! Just took a day full of intense pain and tiredness for it to kick in haha.

Tried to verbalise my feelings to him and it's so hard! I basically feel like I should be fine, because I essentially knew this pregnancy wouldn't last after I started bleeding at 5.5 weeks so I've had time to come to terms with it... Haven't I?? Completely ignoring the fact that I actually carried the pregnancy to 9.5 weeks. Had 4 scans, each one carrying more bad news. And then had a traumatic 'op' to end it.

I think the thing tipping me over the edge tonight is the fact that if all this pain does mean I've got retained tissue I'm terrified of going back into that room and having that procedure again. I just can't do it! Even the thought of it sends me into fresh floods of tears. I feel so pathetic but this is the first time I've really cried about it so I guess it's just all coming out now x

@LauraT94 letting it all out is so good though. It is part of the healing process. I've no doubt at some point all mine will hit me. I just feel incredibly down sometimes when I think about it, but I definitely have stuff buried. How long you were pregnant makes no difference. You are grieving for the future you dreamed about. The baby you started to imagine. The life you started to plan. Whether you've been pregnant for 5 weeks or 12 weeks those thoughts are the same, and it bloody hurts to have that taken away. It is so unfair!
Having retained tissue doesn't mean you'll necessarily need anything. Hopefully your body has done the job with the contractions and got rid of it. It could be so small you won't have even noticed. So don't worry about worse case scenarios yet. Also someone I know had a small bit of retained tissue and it just came out with her next period!! Xx

@LauraT94 I think on one hand it could be an aspect of "it's hard to be kind to myself like I would be kind to others". Its hard to hold my pain and show myself love. I also wonder if that denial is protective - if I deny myself the status of 'someone who lost their baby's then I dont have to feel that grief.

As @AMS19 said, the loss of a embryo/fetus /baby isnt about how developed they were. It's about the emotions, dreams, plans you poured into TTC and into your pregnancy.

There is no right or wrong. A lot of people do things as a form of protection. I cry every night and have done for 2 weeks but I can't vocalise any of it to anyone in real life not even my husband. I can't find the words to even describe it or the sorrow of it all.

The worst part is that I hate pregnancy (I struggle big time with nausea, fainting, pelvic girdle pain, insomnia etc) which then fills me with more guilt and pain knowing that I didn't enjoy it but I did very much want the baby. Its probably why I can't face the idea of TTC for a long while despite turning 35 this year as at the moment I can't face the idea of going through the rough weeks of pregnancy again in the next couple of months.

I'm great at the idea of helping others but like many can't really accept it myself!
If we do get pregnant again I will definitely get a private scan at 10 weeks although I hadn't had a scan yet there was a big part of me that once I got past 13 weeks thought great I'm safe it's going to be scan at 14 weeks to get an accurate date I didn't consider MMC which is stupid given the number of friends I have who have had MMC.

Just wanted to check in and say how helpful it continues to be to hear of everyone’s stories and experiences. I’ve just read through this entire thread from beginning to end and I’m in awe at people’s resilience and optimism.

Is anybody else struggling with sleeping at the moment? Feel like I have a million thoughts racing round my head, although I’m knackered from the second day doing battle with the misoprostol... x