Miscarriage support

[Wearenotyourkind]

Hey. I am currently going through a miscarriage (8 weeks) with my first pregnancy and finding it a pretty lonely process. So I just wondered if anyone else in the same position wanted to join a thread for support etc. I know there are lots of other threads, but it's a bit overwhelming and don't want to just jump on an existing thread 💗

Congratulations on AF arriving @Tbug It must be a relief to know your body is getting back to some kind of normality. Is it heavier than usual? I had a scan last Thursday where they said the MC was complete but I still had a 15mm lining and I've hardly bled since then. I'm guessing my next AF might be really heavy- that's how it went with my first MC but that was much earlier.

I guess we'll just have to keep embracing the naps. Our bodies clearly need the rest still x

Yeah it is slightly heavier and my cramps are so bad :( ah okay, hope it isn't too bad for you :( yeah im working nights this weekend so hoping I can nap lots before then haha xx

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been MIA. I've been really unwell and only today have started to feel a little more human. It got to the point where I couldn't keep anything down, so the GP prescribed some antiemetics. Thankfully I think the antibiotics seem to be working well. The good news is, I have stopped bleeding 🙌🏻 exactly 3 weeks since I started.

Sorry to hear your cramps are bad @Tbug but great news your AF arrived so promptly. Hope the night shifts aren't too bad and you're getting enough rest during the day.

Bloody hormones @Poppypip 🙄 how are you feeling now? I must also say that the comment from your boss is completely inappropriate and thoughtless! Please ignore him. I'm really glad you're taking another week off work too. You need to put yourself first right now. I think it's a beautiful idea to do/have something to remember your 2 angel babies.

No I've not experienced leaking nipples either @Snapper81. I'm really sorry that you're having to go through these bodily responses, it's so cruel. How are you doing now? Great that you've had the fertility consultation and agreed to some tests.

How is everyone? @Positivity2019
@goldflakepaint

Hello all, well its friday night and im in bed by 9pm what a party girl!

Drugged up to the eyeballs on antibiotics, iron and paracetomol. Feeling gross too as am too weak to shower. Thats my big 'to do' for tomorrow!

Just wishing u girls all swift recoveries and lots of hugs all round that we'll make it out of this sh*tshow

Hi all, Ive just been reading all your posts letting the tears run down my face while hubby is snoring away!

My heart goes out to all of you - so many of you have been through so much, i almost feel like a fraud for posting but im really struggling tonight.

We were 8 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baba when my husband got covid. He thankfully came through it but it was by far the most exhausting week of my life trying to look after him, our 3 yr old and my pregnant self. I was properly at my limit and then i started to get the brown discharge at 9 weeks 😞 midwives couldnt reassure me one way or another and i couldnt have a scan until i was out of the 14 day isolation period. In the 9 days i waited for a scan it felt like torture not knowing if id lost the baby or not. My miscarriage was confirmed at 10 weeks. We dont get pregnant very easily and were so over the moon when we found out, we left the pregnancy test in the bathroom to keep checking it was really real.

Its been 4 weeks since i had the scan now but i feel like everyone around me just expects me to be ok with it all now. Im stifling how i feel until im on my own where i just blub. I cant get away from the wondering of whether covid caused my miscarriage, lots of people have said to me miscarriage is usually natures way because something isnt right with baby and i nod along but inside im screaming. I feel like im really lacking the support from people close to me right now and feel selfish for even writing that. 😟

@RamboBambino2016 im so sorry for your loss :( ❤️ sounds like a similar time and way mine happened, it's the shittest thing in the world isn't it. I really hope you're okay xxx

@RamboBambino2016 thats not selfish at all. I've found that some of my closest friends dont know what to say, some have just completely ignored me, and some of my distant pals have actually come through for me.

Its tough to find real life support in these times, sometimes the ones we count on aren't quite there for us, so reach out further, you'll be surprised how caring people can be if you open up, I was very surprised to find my dad quite supportive and an old work colleague has been a star, dont stop reachinh out. People care about you

Thank you @Tbug and @GingerCalico. Im thinking about seeking some counseling, I'm very lucky with work, they've been amazing and i can get some sessions through them.

Does anybody else feel like its really knocked your self esteem? I feel totally inadequate at the moment and the smallest of things make me angry if im not doing it perflectly, like tea not turning out how i intended!

Hope the nights are going ok @Tbug You are a hero every day for the job you do but particularly after what you've been through.

@Wearenotyourkind I hope you're feeling a bit better now? Sounds like a horrible time of it. Thank you for the comments about my boss- I agree, totally unnecessary!

@GingerCalico I'm sorry for your loss. I completely agree about different friends reacting very differently. The good ones are so important to keep close though.

@RamboBambino2016 so sorry to read your story, i hope you find at least a little bit of support and reassurance from this thread. I completely relate to the loss of self esteem. I'm normally quite confident and outgoing and will always speak up in meetings. I spent last week doubting if I can still do my job (or anything!) and am terrified about going back next week.

Hope you are having nice weekends @Snapper81 @goldflakepaint @Positivity2019 and @mrsssk

We have bought a beautiful rose bush to commemorate our two babies that nearly were. I've also got a card for my OH today. It's a particularly difficult one for him having lost his two babies and also his dad to covid in April. 💔

Hi ladies, I've been reading the past few days and unfortunate to say I'm in the same position. Mmc confirmed last week, baby died a few days before my private 9wk scan. No signs, had to have it confirmed at the epau, scary as I was on my own, but the nurses were truly wonderful and sympathetic and took time to explain all options. I'm booked in tomorrow for an mva. I'm a bit nervous about it, but it's quick and will hopefully mean I'm able to recover, at least physically, quicker.
I think I knew something wasn't right. This is my 4th pregnancy but didn't feel bonded like i had with my others, but I put that down to the current situation and that we'd not told our families yet. They were hard conversations to have....we are pregnant but we're not. So surreal. Luckily have amazing support from them.
Hubby is devastated, keeps a brave face on for me, but we both had a cry this morning before the kids got up.
I'm having ups and downs, yesterday I was fine, focused on the kids and the day, laughed, played, but crashed just before bed....it's exhausting trying to be strong.
I'm just cross at my body for being cruel. I know something was wrong for this to happen, and in a strange way, that gives me comfort, but it's just s* really.
I'm 37, 3 healthy pregnancies behind me (2 From a previous relationship and youngest from current) and am sad and scared that hubby might not have a 2nd child. He loves my other 2, but it's not the same is it.
Tomorrow will be so difficult....fear of the unknown, a definitive end, just sad. Xx

So sorry to hear your sad news @Candyflosscrochet MC is certainly a very cruel thing. Good luck with the MVA tomorrow, it's natural to feel a bit scared but you can then start to slowly heal. Make sure you take it really easy afterwards. Unfortunately it's not uncommon to have a MC and it in no way means that you and you OH can't go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy next time. We've all just drawn a crap hand this time but we get entirely new cards next time around

@Poppypip sad to hear how covid has affected your family too. My OH tends to bottle everything up so im not quite sure how he really felt yesterday. I never considered fathers day would actually be another hurdle with a wave of emotions but the little things of not writing 'from bump' in a card is still hard.

@Candyflosscrochet can totally relate to the exhaustion of having to keep going! When all you want to do is crawl into bed and pretend the world doesnt exist but all the normal stuff needs to keep ticking along! And same with the ups and downs, i start thinking ah maybe im through the worst of it now because ive had a good few days and then its almost back to square 1!

But i guess this is just the process we all have to go through, being angry, sad, happy for others having babies around us but also envious and the rest (too many emotions to list lol)

My sister had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, must be about 11 years ago now and she said this year was the first year it hadn't affected her at the anniversary of when it all happened. So this is part of us all now right? I think I'm coming to realise this isn't something that happens and you get over it and move on, this is a part of me and my story.

@RamboBambino2016 I've been coming to that realisation too. Being a woman who has experienced MC is part of our identity now and it always will be, no matter how much time passes. It's not a club I would chose to be in but I do think it's opened my eyes a bit and possibly made me more thoughtful and compassionate.

Does anyone else ache? My muscles and joints (particularly my hips, bum and lower back) are all so stiff and achey and I don't think I've done anything to cause it. I wondered if it's ligaments tightening back up because they start relaxing quite early on in pregnancy?

@Poppypipi think youre exactly right. its not a club any one of us wanted to join but I feel like i want to spread the word a bit. hiding away like it was something shameful really messes with your head. its a lot better to talk openly about it i've found, if people get awkward they get awkward but bottling things up ive found is far worse

also i'm sorry to hear about your stiff muscles :( i havent experienced that yet, maybe that'll be my next little joyful milestone woohoo

@GingerCalico yes definitely feels like you can't be open with it, i posted our covid/mc story on facebook in a bid to encourage people to still be careful despite lockdown being eased (i think its quite easy to think it wont get to u when u dont know anyone who has had it) and the amount of people i know who commented that theyd been through mc too was astounding

Hi all, I found this thread today after looking for some similar experiences. I started spotting 6 days ago and was seen in EPU 4 days ago where they confirmed I was having a miscarriage (I should have been 8+4 but no heartbeat). I started properly cramping and passing clots of Friday, then it settled and the same happened again sat +sun then today I work up in awful pain which went on for a few hours and passed lots of clots and blood. Pain went away and just can back this evening. Would appreciate any advice on how long I can expect this part to last?
I’ve not told anyone apart from my partner (didn’t feel right telling people I was pregnant over the phone, and even less so that now im not). I’m 36 and this is our first pregnancy (been trying for 18 months) and so now I’m really not sure what to do with myself?
I never made it to my booking appointment so didn’t get bloods or similar done

@Cheeseandcrumpets in my 2x experience, a peak of pain, as in 'jesus this is horrific' type pain, often means youre about to pass the sac :(

Granted this is if your MC is happening naturally, or with the help of pills from the Early Pregnancy Unit, i have no experience of surgery, though i've heard you can cramp badly after it too.

If this is your first MC it will likely be your lightest, and if youve already had a big spike of pain and cramping you may be over the worst already. Look after yourself as the blood loss and clot-size will take it out of you, you'll need a lot of rest, and always call 111 or your Early Pregnancy Unit if you have questions

Also soaking 2x sanitary pads right through per hour is kind of the "normal" amount but again if it feels too much call someone and make sure you rest. Im still ongoing my 2nd but coming to the end I think and I. Have. Bled. Buckets very disturbing to know you can lose that much blood and still function, but it is manageable if you inform those closest to you, rest up, and keep on the phone to ask any questions if you have them, never just shrug something off if in your gut it doesnt feel right

Hi to all the new people on the thread- sorry you find yourself here. @Cheeseandcrumpets I hope it is over for you but definitely agree with @GingerCalico that it's important to contact your EPU or 111 if you are losing more blood than expected. I was soaking through a heavy pad within 15 mins at my worse and needed to go into hospital overnight. Any doubt, definitely seek advice.

I have struggled a lot over the last few weeks but am maybe starting to feel a bit better, like I am able to start functioning for the most part (although nights are still difficult). I started reading 'The Miscarriage Map' by Dr. Sunita Osborn and it has helped me realise three things. 1) That I have to give myself permission to not be okay for however long it takes. 2) That my friends and family are not mind readers and I need to be comfortable with saying what I need and also what isn't helpful (I'm not naturally super assertive). 3) That in going back to work (I am going back tomorrow initially on reduced hours/duties), my only job in the next month is to be in the room (so to speak) and survive- I don't need to put any extra pressure on myself or push myself as I might do normally and I absolutely need to be unapologetic if there are things that I cannot do for a while.

Really can't recommend the book enough, it is written by a clinical psychologist who herself experienced two miscarriages and it is informal and engaging, obviously very sad at times.

Also I got a negative pregnancy test on Saturday (three weeks after miscarriage) so I guess am officially ttcing again. Partner and I have been having regular sex since a week after I stopped bleeding (we don't really have any time to waste considering it took two years to get pregnant) and I think I ovulated so I imagine I'll be back on the fun game of symptom spotting soon.

@Poppypip Have you now gone back to work? How is it going? I really relate to the worry about going back. I have not had muscle aches but have noticed that I have gotten stiffer- not sure if that is due to the relaxin disappearing or just the fact that I haven't stretched properly in a while!

How are you @Wearenotyourkind?

@goldflakepaint thank you for such a reassuring message. I'm also back to work tomorrow and felt my anxiety levels start to rise from this afternoon. I'm hoping that once I'm there I'll be able to switch into work mode but I'm worried that I'll have low resilience if anything goes wrong (I just cried because I couldn't find the top I wanted to wear). Wishing you all the best for tomorrow x

@RamboBambino2016 it was brave if you to post on Facebook. I'm really pleased you had a positive response.

@Cheeseandcrumpets I'm sorry you also find yourself here. I passed another large clot (after it got stuck for a while) a few days after I thought things were over. I ended up asking my EPU for another scan because I wanted to know if I needed to expect more or not. The scan confirmed it was complete and I found knowing that reassuring. Do give the EPU a ring if you have any questions, I found them really helpful in my experience. I really hope things settle for you soon 💕

@goldflakepaint thanks for the recommendation, sounds like a good read and the 3 things you've taken from it sound reassuring! The bit about friends and family are not mindreaders rings true but it is hard to speak so plainly when you're not used to it and am normally the independent one looking after them!

Don't be afraid to tell people what you've been through @Cheeseandcrumpets, i felt like a fool initially for having told family and a few friends we were pregnant before we had had a scan but i wouldn't have been given the support and love that they've given me if id kept it all to myself. Be prepared for silence initially tho if u do decide to tell people - some people just cant find the words.

Good luck on going back to work @Poppypip, and dont be too hard on yourself if u do have a low resilience to things, its not unusual. On my down days ive found anything anyone says to me about something being done differently or whatever is just confirmation that im a complete failure but on a good day i can look back and dont know why i was so upset by it. And yes was very anxious about posting what i did with all the haters flying around on facebook, i didnt want people to think it was a cry for attention.

@goldflakepaint thank you i did have a short hospital stay with my heavy blood loss, didn't need a transfusion but almost did, and am on bedrest now to get my strength back

Your book sounds like its helping you a lot. I like the idea of envisioning what were going through as a map, makes it seem more manageable somehow like encouraging you to take it one bit at a time. Because mine involved a lot of physical trauma i've just now started to allow myself to feel sad, as before all my energy had to be spent on literally getting through the day as I was so weak and pale. Its a strange feeling to be over the worst physically but now the feeling of sadness is coming. Guess i'll have to navigate this too

Hey 👋🏻 I'm still here. 3 weeks today since I started bleeding, so did a pregnancy test and it was still positive. I spoke to the midwife at the EPU and she gave me the choice of having another scan straight away or waiting another week to do another test. I've decided to wait as I'm not bleeding and don't have any pain anymore. The midwife said for some people it just takes a bit longer. I'm due back at work on Thursday. I feel quite apprehensive about it as I've now been off for 6 weeks - since my first scan. But I know I've got to go back at some point and I'm all better now from the infection. I'm a social worker, so things will no doubt be hectic from the off and I'll have a lot to catch up on. But "normal" life must resume, I guess.

I've also been reading a book, it's called "The brink of being: talking about miscarriage". I've found it really helpful too.

Welcome to the new members - so sorry you've found yourself here too. But the support I've got from starting this thread has been absolutely invaluable 💗 hope everyone else is hanging in there 💕

Thank you everyone for your responses and messages, they were all so helpful. After a pretty dreadful morning yesterday everything seems to have settled down (possibly helped by a little gin last night).

Was supposed to go back for a repeat scan tomorrow but think I’ll just ring in the morning and let them know it happened all by itself.

@Wearenotyourkind I hope work goes ok, hopefully you feel like you are starting to have some normality and that work helps with that too. I’ll check out the books recommended on here too.

I’m heading back in on Thursday unless something changes, no one knows there - so I guess I’ll see how it goes! I work in paediatrics so it will be a bit of an experience I’m sure!

Stay safe and take each day as it comes is my new motto

@Wearenotyourkind I did a pregnancy test today too and it was also positive. It's been 18 days since my surgery so not that long I suppose. It's been a month since I found out baby had died and 7 weeks since the heartbeat stopped. The whole process seems to have gone on for ages!

I've been reading It Starts With the Egg which has given me some hope that I could still have a successful pregnancy but has also made me realise how challenging it is for older women (I'm 39) so I'm still undecided about what I want to do about potentially trying again. Hubby gave in his sample 🤢 today for tests and mine start on Monday.
Now that hotels will be opening soon, I've booked us in to a posh hotel for our anniversary in August. We definitely deserve it!

@goldflakepaint hope your first day back at work went ok. I spent most of the day hiding in my office eating chocolate but I think the change of scenery and distraction was good for me.

@GingerCalico sorry to hear you ended up in hospital but glad you got good care. Make sure you take it easy, strength is slow to return after such a big physical and mental trauma. I agree that it's a stepwise process. I also definitely had a week of dealing with the physical aspect, a week of emotional rollercoaster hormone crash and now I'm onto a quieter more reflective grief. I really missed having my baby with me at work today.

@Wearenotyourkind glad the bleeding and pain have stopped. I was so anxious before work today but I feel so much better now I've got over the first day.

@Cheeseandcrumpets sorry to hear yesterday morning was rough but good call on the gin treatment. Don't feel you have to be back at work on Thursday if you're not ready. I was physically too dizzy to be able to work for a week after my heavy bleed.

@Snapper81 I agree. MCs are LONG! I hadn't really appreciated that before. Hopefully the tests come back with something helpful. Booking the hotel sounds like a very good idea.

Thank you for all the book recommendations. I've ordered Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to Know so I'll let you know what it's like when it arrives. I've also been listening to the Life After Miscarriage podcast which is just different ladies stories- I've just been listening to ones relevant to me rather than freaking myself out with stories of ladies who have had it much worse.